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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has thrown paint everywhere

120 replies

Dapps · 14/05/2023 15:17

Hi ladies, this is my first post - please be gentle, I'm a bit emotional to say the least.
I tried to end it with my partner of 7 months last night because he's incredibly jealous and is making me miserable with it. He went off ok but then came back round shouting through the letterbox and banging on the windows, getting louder and louder saying I had his bank card - we both knew I didn't.
So eventually I went out and told him to go and he'd thrown paint from my garden all over my front door and my driveway.
We got into a fight and I called the police. They turned up at 8.30am this morning and I said I didn't want to press any charges, I just wanted them to turn up at the time of the incident and get him to go away.
Now there's paint up the road where he got it under a neighbour's car and it's been driven up the road and I feel absolutely drained and depressed and I'm worried he'll be back. This has to be the end, obviously, but if he comes back again I don't know what to do. Help guys, please xx

OP posts:
ShowUs · 14/05/2023 17:12

gamerchick · 14/05/2023 17:08

You've never been on the recieving end of a scary man, have you?

Show quote history

Yes I have but the alternative is to clean it up herself which isn’t fair.

AnyaMarx · 14/05/2023 17:18

thecatsmeows · 14/05/2023 15:43

Ultimately it's not your decision whether or not the Police 'press charges'...the Police and the CPS will decide.

Not entirely true .

The victim has to be willing to give a statement and assist , otherwise 9/10 cps throw it out anyway .

In my force if the victim
Says they do t want to prosecute then we take a negative statement of non compliant or a negative pocket notebook entry , signed and if the victim is non engaging - ie - doesn't want to asssit then it's filed .

It will still be recorded as a criminal damage (domestic related ) but without serious injury it will go no further .

I'm a police officer.

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 18:03

Help yourself.

Press charges.

drpet49 · 14/05/2023 18:04

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/05/2023 15:42

Why the fuck wouldn't you want to press charges?

This for heavens sake.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 14/05/2023 18:06

He shouldn't get away with being a cock.

greyhairnomore · 14/05/2023 18:09

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/05/2023 15:42

Why the fuck wouldn't you want to press charges?

It's not up to her the police and CPS decide.

AnyaMarx · 14/05/2023 18:32

SuperSange · 14/05/2023 17:06

Which part of 'pressing charges' are pp not getting? It's not up to her. It's up to the police.

That's not true . As I've explained.

Original poster
Dapps · 14/05/2023 18:47

I don't want to press charges because I'm hoping this is the end of the whole mess. The police went through the motions and they also paid him a visit, he'd cut himself and was saying last night that he'd say I'd stabbed him and I'd never see my daughter again. I'm not a big fan of the police and knew they wouldn't be here in time to intervene, so to be honest the main reason I even rang them was to make sure I'd put the real situation across and that they didn't just have the fantasy that he'd concocted to go on and even come and arrest me. They won't be involved further, and mentioned that they would get in touch with my daughter's school about this. How on earth does that give you any confidence in them? She wasn't even here, she's at her dad's at the weekend. I've cleaned up some of the mess but I'm waiting for it to go dark so I can scrub the floor better on my drive and the road. I'd just given my porch a makeover so that will be why he mostly went for that. I'm going to be so humiliated when I see my neighbours. But my daughter's staying at my mum's tonight so I'm locking up tight and not taking the bait. He will shout outside for hours though. It's the worst feeling in the world not being able to shut him up and make him go away.
Thanks again for the support, today is a lonely feeling day and so it means a lot xx

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 14/05/2023 18:54

Op this is on him not you. It's him that threw paint. Hopefully visit from plod will deter him coming back. Hope you get a peaceful night.

blueminnow · 14/05/2023 18:59

Ahh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've been through similar myself and to offer some hope I am now out the other side and far happier. I asked him to leave, he did and then smashed my car up in full view of all the neighbours and was aggressive and verbally abusive to me so I called the police as like you I just wanted him to go away and was scared.

You have been so brave and strong to get to the point of asking him to leave and you know you deserve better than having a jealous controlling partner but it's still a shock and hard when you do ask them to go as reality kicks in.

Looking back now there are some things I couldn't see at the time.

  1. By asking the police not to take things further I was letting him get away with treating me like that, but I said that at the time as I just wanted it to all go away. I went back to them after a week and explained I'd changed my mind and they charged him with criminal damage. This meant I eventually got compensation and felt some sort of closure.

  2. I was so embarrassed about what the neighbours would think, but I shouldn't have been ashamed as his behaviour is down to him. He is a grown man. And actually when one of my neighbours asked if I was ok and what had happened, they didn't judge at all and even offered me a lift to collect my car from the garage after I managed to have it repaired. It's hard though especially as I had small children and was worried for that side of things too and thought people would be judging my parenting.

  3. I was worrried about the children as the police told me as it was a domestic incident it would be reported to social services. I was terrified but a lovely social worker called, went through what had happened and said that as I had taken steps to protect the children, reporting to the police etc there was no need for them to be involved any further, although they did give me contact details for women's aid.

  4. women's aid - I called them and they were so helpful and supportive. They advised me to get a ring doorbell incase anything else happened so I had proof and also talked about other steps I could take, if I needed to it should it get worse. I also did the freedom course through them and I feel so much stronger for it.

I know it feels awful right now but you will get through this, it's a scary and shocking situation to be in, but I found taking control of the situation made me less anxious and gave me things to focus on. I couldn't control what he did but I could control how I dealt with it. For now just take it one step at a time.

Lucky for me it was a one off and there were no further incidents.

Also don't be afraid or embarrassed to reach out to people in real life, remember you have done nothing wrong and no one deserves to be treated like he has treated you. People will be judging him not you.

Keep talking to us on here too as it can feel quite lonely when something like this happens and sometimes it's easier to talk to people without the emotions that them being close to you brings.

AnyaMarx · 14/05/2023 19:05

Op the reason the police didn't come as an immediate is because you were not in immediate danger - he was outside you were inside . I know it's shit - but the gradings are immediate (immediate risk to life ) priority - needs attending sooner rather than later but no immediate threat to life , and there another grade which is get to it as and when .

Yes there was a threat to your drive - and door - not to life - and beer in mind it was a Saturday night - would be busy with immediate incidents and there are NEVER enough police to get to everything.

Divebar2021 · 14/05/2023 19:08

The report to the school will be part of the responsibility that the police have to protect children. Hard to believe that some parents do not prioritise the welfare of their children but there you have it. If the neighbours car has been damaged they may decide to pursue the matter with the police separately from any action you may or may not take. Fingers crossed he doesn’t come back

Itdoesnthavetobejusrol · 14/05/2023 19:09

It's no wonder you feel anxious. He has been threatening and aggressive.

You did the right thing calling the police. Keep away from this man - he will ruin your life. Call the police again if he comes anywhere near you or your house.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 19:10

The police are absolutely right to warn the school. He threatened your kid right? (Saying you'd never see her again). They need to be aware. Not sure why you'd take a bee in your bonnet about that.

Make sure to have your locks changed if he has a key. Even if there's a possibility he could have one.

Then block him on everything.
Tell your daughter to stay away from him (and to scream really loudly if he approaches her)

Well done for getting rid.
Take any help the police offer in future.

If he threatens self harm in future, don't respond to him (though you won't know if you block him so hopefully you don't need to worry about that) But just call the ambulance services and let them know the deal,that it might be bs but you're just letting them know. They can decide what to do. If he is found to be wasting their time they'll soon sort him out.

Never answer the door to him or agree to meet him anywhere. Let your neighbours and work know what's what so they can keep an eye out for you.

cestlavielife · 14/05/2023 19:12

Meadowfly · 14/05/2023 16:47

Show us- why should she clean the paint up! The victim should NOT pay for the crime!!

Exactly. Tell them who did it. Theg can chase him.
Next time do not go outside just call poluce
And charge him for criminal damage

Why do you believe you are responsible f9r his behsviour?
Change your mindset

Original poster
Dapps · 14/05/2023 19:12

@blueminnow not sure if I'm doing this right but thanks so much for this amazing advice. I'm battening down the hatches now and only sneaking out with a yard brush and some bleach. Thanks a million lady xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Dapps · 14/05/2023 19:15

@Pinkbonbon oh no honey, not like that. He meant because I'd allegedly stabbed him and I'd be locked up. Oh God no, he wasn't threatening her. I probably shouldn't say this but if he meant it like that then I'd probably torture and THEN stab him... 😳

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/05/2023 19:15

Bexthe hero
Of this tell the neighbours
You got rid
Be proud
And say that if they see him around they can call police tooif he behaving oddly

GoodChat · 14/05/2023 19:15

and mentioned that they would get in touch with my daughter's school about this. How on earth does that give you any confidence in them? She wasn't even here, she's at her dad's at the weekend.

But she could well be there the next time he vandalises your property and her welfare is top priority.

A man who behaves like that shouldn't be around children. The school and the services need to know she's safe.

CadburyDream · 14/05/2023 19:24

Normal to contact the school and ss

Original poster
Dapps · 14/05/2023 19:25

@GoodChat you're quite right of course. I never imagined he'd do and say some of the things he did last night so who knows what he's capable of. I feel like such a failure as a mother, how could I not see that he might be liable to behave like this?? Fucking pathetic, seriously. Especially considering how fiercely I love and care for my girl wow.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 19:29

Ahh right I getcha.

Hopefully he won't come back now he's made a total mug of himself. But he's clearly very manipulative and often it takes being told to stay away by the police to stop them carrying on.

Definately call them if he comes back.

Be aware his next tactics might be trying to get to you via your friends or family. Eg: telling them you've gone nuts. Or that he's worried about you. Or that he's really sorry (boohoo poor me) so that they feel sorry for him and try to talk you into taking him back.

Also things like texting you from withheld numbers. So don't answer calls you don't recgonise.

And asking for his stuff back. Send any you have via recorded delivery to his place...or his parents place. Or have a friend of yours whom you can trust not to be conned by him take it to him (ideally a guy).

Also as pp said he may try to claim you are cheating. Just ignore. Don't be drawn in. Any response to him is just what he wants- attention.

Remember it wasn't actually about jealousy - it was about control. If he pretended to be jealous, it made you alter your behaviour to suit him. So don't excuse his bs as insecurity (not that that's an excuse anyway). That's just what he wanted you to think.

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 14/05/2023 19:32

OP this is on him not you. And you’re not pathetic to feel intimidated by an angry aggressive abusive man. And I bet most of the people saying to press charges haven’t been in the situation themselves, there are potential pros and cons to this as the abused ex partner especially where there is a child and kidnapping has been threatened. I’m not saying you shouldn’t press charges by the way, but the situation is a hell of a lot more nuanced than people realise. I’m glad you can now see that police are correct to involve school and S/S, it’s not a criticism of you that she has a father who is creating a potentially unsafe and unstable situation.

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 14/05/2023 19:35

Also I recommend getting some support from domestic abuse services. Who can help you safety plan. Don’t open the door to him under any circumstances. Consider applying for a non molestation order. And be prepared to call police again if he turns up again, you can also ask police to flag your address on their system as being higher risk due to domestic abuse currently (the highest risk time is when you are getting out of it and he’s already been round to threaten and intimidate you). And I recommend doing the Freedom Project (Google it!)

AnyaMarx · 14/05/2023 19:39

One price of advice I can give op - if yku aren't willing to support prosecutions- co tact the national ce tee for domestic violence - Google NCDV

They are here for just such cases

They are staffed by trainee solicitors and they do restraining orders for nothing and can do so within 48 hours.

Do this if nothing else.