When does the mental health excuse not cut it

[Cherry85]

My DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1.5 and have the most amazing happy 3yr old..... but things recently have been horrendous.

Through covid, despite both being at home with a new baby things were great - I remember thinking 'if we can survive being locked in a house with a newborn, we can survive anything!

A few weeks before the wedding we all got covid....his was worse than mine but we all came through it OK. Then just before the wedding he was in a lot of pain and discovered he had a small clot as a result of covid. They gave him blood thinners and sent him home but since that point he has become increasingly paranoid. The first 3 months of our marriage the majority of our conversations were about his heart rate monitor on his watch, he stopped going out and eventually quit his job as he wanted to focus on him feeling better.

Almost a year on and he is still unemployed, he is heavier and unhappiest with himself than ever and just increasingly difficult to be around. To add to this he lost a parent at the end of last year.

I appreciate this is all mental health related and I should support him - I have asked him to go and speak to someone but he point blank refuses.

All of the above I can cope with.... but what I am really struggling with is the way he treats our child who is naturally closer to me because daddy is always high or low. He gets jealous and tries to elicit hugs by scaring him telling him there is a monster behind him. Recently as DH is feeling out of control he has said we have to start being more strict with DS as he doesn't listen to him. DH regularly loses his temper, stomping around the house swearing and shouting and no matter how much I ask him not to he tells me I'm being ridiculous.

Recently he has become jealous and makes snidey comments any time I mention my work colleagues and even came over to see who I was messaging the other day. On top of this he has blown through £30k of savings in the last year and we have had multiple incidents of DH leaving medication around the house that DS has or could have got hold of. He is no longer on prescription meds but opts to buy and take asprin every day despite the doctor saying there is no need anymore.

I have tried to get him to get help, I even asked him to move out at Easter which he talked his way out of and things improved for a bit, but a few days later it was back to normal again. I am so tired of walking on eggshells, being told to 'f*ck off' multiple times a day and listening to sweary tantrums over things like the TV remote or ham sandwiches'. I have tried speaking to his mum but she is grieving and in denial I think.

I have spoken to my parents about leaving. I would be happier and financially stronger on my own - but they say I have to support him through this hard time - at what point do you say that the mental health excuse doesn't cut it anymore?

This sounds very difficult OP. I think I’d give him a deadline to seek help and if he still doesn’t even try then I’d be off.

Very shocked your parents said you "should" stay with him.

My argument would be that staying together isn't making him better so the sacrifice of your well being (and money) and your DS's well being is all for nothing.

Who knows, maybe living on his own will be good for him.

He's damaging your dc so that alone would make me leave.

I think you're past that point. He's not seeking help and his behaviour is getting worse.

I don't believe it is at all related to his mental health, the suggestion that having poor mental health means you turn into an utter arsehole depressing.

Separate the two and ask yourself why you are allowing your child to grow up with this awful man in his life. If not for you please leave for your son. It's no one else's business but yours and you need to step up for your boy.

I have spoken to my parents about leaving. I would be happier and financially stronger on my own - but they say I have to support him through this hard time

He does sound unwell but that doesn't mean you need to suck it up and accept his abusive behaviour. Your child is at risk if your husband is leaving medication lying about in his potential reach. Your husband's behaviour might escalate. Protecting two people trumps supporting one abusive one, OP

My advice is run a mile - no one should put up with that.

Mmm, this is a tricky situation. He really needed to speak to GP about his mental health-he sounds thoroughly depressed. Might need some medication to help him for awhile so he is able to work in building himself up again. Healthy diet, walks outside, planning enjoyable activities, volunteering perhaps or an easy part time job to start with. It is only a few months since loosing parent which can affect people very badly for some time. But he should see his GP as it is affecting his family.
You have been very patient with him but you need to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to see help and tell him this.

The mental health excuse doesn’t hold when it’s clear that he can control his behaviour - which he did at Easter when faced with an ultimatum.
Also when he refuses to engage with treatment.
It is time for you to separate to protect your child and it’s sad that your parents won’t support you in this.

He is damaging your child.

There is so much here OP.

First of all tell your parents it's not them that has to live with him. Tell them everything if you feel you can.

Taking out whatever it is on a 3 yr old. Being jealous of a 3 yr old is rock bottom eh.

And spending 30k. I would hit the roof.

I would give him two choices, either he starts becoming a positive, caring, loving, fun, active member of the family contributing with money, or housework and childcare without complaint and looks to find work, and stops spending whilst telling everyone to fuck off, or you leave. Give deadlines, absolutes.

This is if you really want to stay.

There’s mental health problems plus making an effort to seek help and contain the effects family.

and then there’s mental health problems plus taking everything out on family and staying on a self-destruction path.

He’s clearly in the second camp at the moment. The difference between the two camps is will - whether he has an active will towards his and his family’s health and happiness.

Because of the effects on your child I would do whatever you need to do to keep him emotionally safe and secure first. That’s priority. Your child is under 7, still in the key brain development period where things that happen now will have an effect on how his brain is wired for the whole of his life. So if that means separating temporarily, do that.

Second you need to think about relationship longevity with your husband and what you need. Think about your dealbreakers. I think it’s too much to give an ultimatum with an instant change expected, but for me he would need to show a good commitment to moving into the first camp, where he shows a good degree of will to prioritise his health, getting better and showing a tangible will and caring towards you and your child for a sustained period. Your preferences might be different, but I would give a lot of thought to that and how you want to feel in life. You need to prioritise your and your child’s safety and happiness.

Emotional security is everything in life - don’t give it up to him lightly. Take counsel from people in your life who understand that - it sounds like your parents don’t.

This

And this

Btw take the pressure off yourself to make any forever decisions. It isn’t a decision right now about separating or divorcing forever etc. You can still be a supportive wife and keep your marriage vows in mind while holding him to account and loving him from afar.

Your child is being exposed to emotional violence. You are being eroded by his aggressive and toxic behaviour.

MH is important - so much so that you need to protect your DC and your own MH from collapsing.

He will have done enough damage already to your young child who is living in an environment of fear. Their emotional development is being undermined at best and derailed at worst.

Take yourself and your child out of harms way and focus on restoring both of your emotional wellbeing. Your DH needs professional help - that’s up to him to access and engage with.

Its disappointing that the first reactions of your DP and MIL is to minimise and dismiss - don’t let that put you off.

Can you go back to your DP and tell them you are leaving and you need their support even if they don’t ‘approve’?

When he refuses to get help, and when he puts your child at risk.

I have a lot of time for anyone with a mental health issue.

I have absolutely no time for people who refuse to seek help while their family suffers.

He has a moral obligation as a husband and father to make every effort to be well.

I would have left him long ago. You don't owe him anything else at this point.

What did he spend the £30k on?

So sorry to hear you are having to live with this op.
He needs to want to change before he will do anything until then you are fighting a losing battle l think

My DH has put up with a lot of my mental health issues over the years and I think that's because I've been proactive about getting help. I have therapy, I take my meds, I talk to my psychiatrist regularly. My DH also knows he can speak to my psychiatrist at any time if he's worried and always has the option of being referred to someone if he needs support himself. I work incredibly hard to make sure that the impact on him and my DS (who is also 3) is as minimal as possible. If I didn't do that, my DH would be absolutely reasonable to decide to leave with my DS.

That sounds awful. I think it's one thing to be supportive to a partner going through a bad time but quite another when the partner refuses to take any responsibility or make an effort to get over their issues.

He's behaving like a sulky child. I'd give him an ultimatum to make some changes, and start planning for a new life for you and your child if he doesn't.

I'm shocked at your parents' advice. They are suggesting sacrificing your own wellbeing, and risking your child's wellbeing and safety, for the sake of your husband's. Is that honestly what they mean? That he is more important than you or your child?

Perhaps they don't fully appreciate the situation you are in. I was in a comparable one many years ago. I didn't tell my parents what was happening as I didn't want to worry them. When they found out a bit of it, I still minimised to save their feelings (I had enough on my plate without worrying about what they were worrying about, too). As soon as they got a real sense of what was happening they encouraged me to leave.

Your DH may be suffering a MH crisis, but you can't change that. You've tried and he just abuses you and your child. Staying with him isn't helping him in any case. Whereas leaving him will put you and your child in a happier, safer place. Noone should put up with abuse, no matter what the 'cause' of that abuse.

If you still love your husband (and that isn't guaranteed as he's been so abusive to you) you might want to support from a distance; encourage him to seek help; you may even get back together if he can get himself sorted. But if he won't even try to do that, then he's showing you that he would rather abuse you and mistreat your child than put a bit of effort in to getting himself better. In which case - there's your answer. He's not willing to put effort in to not abusing his wife and child.

Please don't sacrifice yourself and your child for someone who is abusing you.

I would give him an ultimatum, get professional help or leave. He does sound poorly and that’s not his fault, but your child needs to grow up in an emotionally stable home. Choosing not to get help isn’t an option when you have a partner and child to think about.

It doesn’t hold when their not trying to get help

Refusing to get help is a reason to leave and putting your child at risk is another, you are doubly justified leaving, I would say triply as your happiness is of importance too