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Original poster

When does the mental health excuse not cut it

85 replies

Cherry85 · 14/05/2023 09:21

My DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1.5 and have the most amazing happy 3yr old..... but things recently have been horrendous.

Through covid, despite both being at home with a new baby things were great - I remember thinking 'if we can survive being locked in a house with a newborn, we can survive anything!

A few weeks before the wedding we all got covid....his was worse than mine but we all came through it OK. Then just before the wedding he was in a lot of pain and discovered he had a small clot as a result of covid. They gave him blood thinners and sent him home but since that point he has become increasingly paranoid. The first 3 months of our marriage the majority of our conversations were about his heart rate monitor on his watch, he stopped going out and eventually quit his job as he wanted to focus on him feeling better.

Almost a year on and he is still unemployed, he is heavier and unhappiest with himself than ever and just increasingly difficult to be around. To add to this he lost a parent at the end of last year.

I appreciate this is all mental health related and I should support him - I have asked him to go and speak to someone but he point blank refuses.

All of the above I can cope with.... but what I am really struggling with is the way he treats our child who is naturally closer to me because daddy is always high or low. He gets jealous and tries to elicit hugs by scaring him telling him there is a monster behind him. Recently as DH is feeling out of control he has said we have to start being more strict with DS as he doesn't listen to him. DH regularly loses his temper, stomping around the house swearing and shouting and no matter how much I ask him not to he tells me I'm being ridiculous.

Recently he has become jealous and makes snidey comments any time I mention my work colleagues and even came over to see who I was messaging the other day. On top of this he has blown through £30k of savings in the last year and we have had multiple incidents of DH leaving medication around the house that DS has or could have got hold of. He is no longer on prescription meds but opts to buy and take asprin every day despite the doctor saying there is no need anymore.

I have tried to get him to get help, I even asked him to move out at Easter which he talked his way out of and things improved for a bit, but a few days later it was back to normal again. I am so tired of walking on eggshells, being told to 'f*ck off' multiple times a day and listening to sweary tantrums over things like the TV remote or ham sandwiches'. I have tried speaking to his mum but she is grieving and in denial I think.

I have spoken to my parents about leaving. I would be happier and financially stronger on my own - but they say I have to support him through this hard time - at what point do you say that the mental health excuse doesn't cut it anymore?

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 14/05/2023 10:56

He is unsafe around your child.

he has already been asked to leave and improved for a few days. Then reverted.

he has had his chance.

he can be your husband and be a parent from outside the house until he is safe around the child.

HecticHedgehog · 14/05/2023 10:58

If he won't help himself by seeing someone then that's where anyone can draw a line imo. Also it's affecting your child so acceptable to leave.

MintJulia · 14/05/2023 11:05

So he isn't on sick leave? He quit his job months after the wedding and has lived off you ever since, spending £30k of savings in the process. And refuses to get any help. He doesn't show care for your child, he doesn't do anything to help the situation and, he can improve when he thinks he needs to for a couple of days but then reverts to telling you to F off.

In the kindest possible way OP, you've been had. You need to get out now before he claims to be permanently disabled and tries to claim you should support him for life.

Bananalanacake · 14/05/2023 11:08

Before he gets called a cocklodger please tell us he is doing most of the childcare, housework and cooking so you are able to work.

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 14/05/2023 11:10

I agree you're not obliged to stay and support him. Yes the vows (and implication if you don't use them) say 'in sickness and in health' but he has already broken his promise to love and care for you. It would be different if he was seeking help and accepting he was struggling, but he's ignoring your feelings, abusing your son and putting you at risk.

Lots of people struggle with their mental health and grief, but when the people they care about tell them they need them to seek professional help it's on them to listen and get it, or at least try.

Alcemeg · 14/05/2023 11:21

There's mental illness and there's arsholeness. Your husband, mentally ill or not, is an arsehole. Please pay no attention to your parents, if they were flies on the wall and could actually see your life behind closed doors there is no way in the world they'd urge you to stay.

Frogger8395 · 14/05/2023 11:29

He’s been like this for half of your relationship.

You seem to be suggesting that this started due to covid. But it also coincides with you having a newborn and getting married. Many men become abusive when a baby arrives or they get married.

He's emotionally and verbally abusive. He’s also financially abusive and he’s abusive to your child. It doesn’t matter why he’s like this. Get rid of him.

GloriousD · 14/05/2023 11:31

Frogger8395 · 14/05/2023 11:29

He’s been like this for half of your relationship.

You seem to be suggesting that this started due to covid. But it also coincides with you having a newborn and getting married. Many men become abusive when a baby arrives or they get married.

He's emotionally and verbally abusive. He’s also financially abusive and he’s abusive to your child. It doesn’t matter why he’s like this. Get rid of him.

All of this.

Thesharkradar · 14/05/2023 11:31

Christ on a bike if you were my daughter I'd have your arm up your back forcing you to leave him....
not really but I would be doing everything I could to persuade you to get out of this situation because he is going to take you all down with him.

Thesharkradar · 14/05/2023 11:34

I think your parents are just thinking of themselves, they think that if you're no longer married you might start leaning on them for support and that will inconvenience them/eat into their free time/make demands on their finances etc

YouTarzan · 14/05/2023 11:41

You don’t need our permission. You don’t need your parents permission. You don’t need his permission. You don’t need a ‘good enough’ reason. You can leave because you want to.

Frogger8395 · 14/05/2023 11:43

If you haven’t taken steps to protect yourself financially do so today. You are within your rights to move your money where he can’t access it. Out of interest what has he spent 30k on?

Did you tell your parents how bad things really were? Because if you’ve presented it as he is grieving and mentally unwell they might not realise what’s really going on.

Fladdermus · 14/05/2023 11:49

'Mental health' doesn't ever excuse abusive behaviour and he is being abusive to both you and to your child. Your relationship is over I'm afraid.

Original poster
Cherry85 · 14/05/2023 11:51

Hahahahahahaha I wish!! He claims to spend 8 hours away applying for jobs and has had 23 interviews in 3 months. I do everything.

OP posts:
cisisaslur · 14/05/2023 11:55

My (ex) husband had a breakdown when my children were 3 and 1, whilst I felt sympathy for his plight. The effect he was having on my children was my biggest concern. I asked him to leave as they were my priority and not him. Also he was drinking and taking drugs and generally not doing things that were conducive to improving matters.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/05/2023 11:57

Has he had 23 interviews? That is a lot, I don't believe he has had 23 rejections unless he is sabotaging.

Thesharkradar · 14/05/2023 12:08

My advice, start making a plan but keep it very quiet, do not give your parents any indication or they will betray you to him because it's in their interest for you to stay together.

Hurryupandleave · 14/05/2023 12:18

The mental health excuse doesn’t hold when it’s clear that he can control his behaviour - which he did at Easter when faced with an ultimatum

OP if you take nothing else from this thread please read this sentence over and over again because it answers all your questions. He could change/stop this, he is choosing not to despite knowing how it affects you and DS. And there is your answer, you have done (more than) enough and now is the time to take steps to ensure he does no more damage to you and your boy Flowers

2bazookas · 14/05/2023 12:23

Inform DH's parents pf the situation (especialy in relation to the child).

Then get yourself and yout child out of there, to your parents.

DH still has one choice; he can get professional help for his problems .

He no longer has the option to abuse his wife and child.

Manichean · 14/05/2023 12:24

He is an abusive bullying arsehole, send him on his way - I bet he will soon get a job without you to support him. Sooner, rather than later, he is just the type to try to claim he is the primary carer of your child to get maintenance from you so he can sit on his arse forever more.

BertieBotts · 14/05/2023 12:25

When it's harming you or your child, that's when it doesn't cut it.

Mental health isn't an "excuse" anyway but yeah, there's a difference between supporting someone in a difficult period and accepting harm from them because they are in a difficult period.

Thesharkradar · 14/05/2023 12:27

Then get yourself and yout child out of there, to your parents
Her parents have already made it very clear they don't want to be lumbered with her and her child, if they get wind that she's leaving they will do everything they can to Sabotage this and make her stay.
Obviously her parents ought to be supportive but you can see why they're not going to be exactly thrilled having two Extra People move in with them

DeadSea95 · 14/05/2023 12:34

I have unmedicated bipolar (serious allergy to all medications tried) and work full time - almost never off sick.

I also have some health anxiety thanks to the allergic reactions.

What helps is staying busy (working) and not dwelling on it.

Allowing him to hide out at home is enabling him out of kindness. He needs an ultimatum.

PaigeMatthews · 14/05/2023 13:14

Cherry85 · 14/05/2023 11:51

Hahahahahahaha I wish!! He claims to spend 8 hours away applying for jobs and has had 23 interviews in 3 months. I do everything.

Then what is the point of him being in your home?

Lostinplaces · 14/05/2023 13:22

You're already beyond the point. He’s had enough chances to sort himself out. You’ve done enough. Time to look after your child and yourself, you owe him nothing.