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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When does the mental health excuse not cut it

85 replies

Cherry85 · 14/05/2023 09:21

My DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1.5 and have the most amazing happy 3yr old..... but things recently have been horrendous.

Through covid, despite both being at home with a new baby things were great - I remember thinking 'if we can survive being locked in a house with a newborn, we can survive anything!

A few weeks before the wedding we all got covid....his was worse than mine but we all came through it OK. Then just before the wedding he was in a lot of pain and discovered he had a small clot as a result of covid. They gave him blood thinners and sent him home but since that point he has become increasingly paranoid. The first 3 months of our marriage the majority of our conversations were about his heart rate monitor on his watch, he stopped going out and eventually quit his job as he wanted to focus on him feeling better.

Almost a year on and he is still unemployed, he is heavier and unhappiest with himself than ever and just increasingly difficult to be around. To add to this he lost a parent at the end of last year.

I appreciate this is all mental health related and I should support him - I have asked him to go and speak to someone but he point blank refuses.

All of the above I can cope with.... but what I am really struggling with is the way he treats our child who is naturally closer to me because daddy is always high or low. He gets jealous and tries to elicit hugs by scaring him telling him there is a monster behind him. Recently as DH is feeling out of control he has said we have to start being more strict with DS as he doesn't listen to him. DH regularly loses his temper, stomping around the house swearing and shouting and no matter how much I ask him not to he tells me I'm being ridiculous.

Recently he has become jealous and makes snidey comments any time I mention my work colleagues and even came over to see who I was messaging the other day. On top of this he has blown through £30k of savings in the last year and we have had multiple incidents of DH leaving medication around the house that DS has or could have got hold of. He is no longer on prescription meds but opts to buy and take asprin every day despite the doctor saying there is no need anymore.

I have tried to get him to get help, I even asked him to move out at Easter which he talked his way out of and things improved for a bit, but a few days later it was back to normal again. I am so tired of walking on eggshells, being told to 'f*ck off' multiple times a day and listening to sweary tantrums over things like the TV remote or ham sandwiches'. I have tried speaking to his mum but she is grieving and in denial I think.

I have spoken to my parents about leaving. I would be happier and financially stronger on my own - but they say I have to support him through this hard time - at what point do you say that the mental health excuse doesn't cut it anymore?

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 14/05/2023 13:36

Taking out all emotion, your priority is your child. He is putting your child at risk both mentally and physically. His crisis (or just his personality) does not cancel that out.

I would ask him to leave and stay with his mother today.

SheilaFentiman · 14/05/2023 13:40

OP

you can separate from him and call it temporary, if that helps you do it. You move out, or he does. If he then gets help, you can review if you want to get back together.

by any chance, do your parents tend to assume you are in the wrong on things?

ICMB · 14/05/2023 13:46

My babydad is similar. I always say to him ‘I care about your depression etc but I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves’
in my experience, people don’t change much in the end. It has made me cynical

Pixiedust1234 · 14/05/2023 13:54

Its ultimatum time. Either he seeks professional help via the GP (and not FB, tiktok, best mate etc) or he leaves.

He is destroying you and your life and he does not have that right even with MH issues.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/05/2023 14:01

OP, you need to leave this abusive prick.

Put your child first

GloriousD · 14/05/2023 14:04

If you are unable to see this as abuse then at least consider it as a contagious disease - you and your DCs MH is compromised in his presence. You need to separate until he has ‘recovered’

Is there drink and drugs involved?

Grumpigal · 14/05/2023 14:06

You never “have” to support anyone through anything.

Even if this is all mental health related, you can still leave him.

You don’t owe anyone your life, your inner peace, your own happiness and security.

And your child absolutely does not owe him anything either.

It sounds like it’s escalating to really concerning levels. I would leave or ask him to leave. If it escalates further and something bad happens in the home, you’ll never forgive yourself.

If your parents are that concerned about him being supported, suggest he move in with them.

No ultimatums, just leave. The time for ultimatums has long gone.

GloriousD · 14/05/2023 14:12

SheilaFentiman · 14/05/2023 13:40

OP

you can separate from him and call it temporary, if that helps you do it. You move out, or he does. If he then gets help, you can review if you want to get back together.

by any chance, do your parents tend to assume you are in the wrong on things?

This is a possible way to do it by stealth if it helps you - but agree with PP that the time for ultimatums has long gone.

Grimchmas · 14/05/2023 14:15

You don't deserve to beverbally abused in your own home, and your priority must be the safety and wellbeing of your child.

Your DP seems to be incompatible with those things.

MsMarple · 14/05/2023 14:18

The current situation isn’t helping anyone. You and your child are being abused, and he isn’t getting any better.

Did he promise to change/stop swearing and stomping over Easter? If he’s gone back on the chance you gave him, he has to leave.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be when you and your son can peacefully enjoy your own home, without the constant shadow of shouting and manipulation. When that weight is lifted, you’ll be amazed at how you tolerated it for so long!

ElizabethTaylor · 14/05/2023 14:34

I agree with many of the posters here. It’s time to say enough. Your mental health matters too and it’s clear he is not only making himself unhappy but intent on dragging you into his hole. And now your child. (This is a choice he makes every single day.)
You are your child’s primary caregiver and after you have a child, you have an obligation to keep your child out of harms way. Your DS doesn’t know any better. You do. If not for yourself, do it for your child. Get that arsehole out of your lives.

ruddygreattiger · 14/05/2023 21:04

MintJulia · 14/05/2023 11:05

So he isn't on sick leave? He quit his job months after the wedding and has lived off you ever since, spending £30k of savings in the process. And refuses to get any help. He doesn't show care for your child, he doesn't do anything to help the situation and, he can improve when he thinks he needs to for a couple of days but then reverts to telling you to F off.

In the kindest possible way OP, you've been had. You need to get out now before he claims to be permanently disabled and tries to claim you should support him for life.

⬆️This....

He is dragging you and your son down mentally, emotionally and financially and seems hell-bent on destroying everything you have. Get out now op xxxx

EllandRd · 14/05/2023 21:07

No OP, you are not him emotional crutch, you can walk away whenever you want, after all why should you stay support and help him if he is not prepared to help himself?

Original poster
Cherry85 · 15/05/2023 07:24

Thanks everyone, it is really good to.know I'm not overreacting if u do ask him to.go.stay at his mums for a bit. I should say - in between the outbursts he is a really good dad and husband , but the constant tantrums and tiptoeing around apologising are wearing me down..... he was nothing like this before we got covid.

I'd also like another baby and at 38 that sort of has an input into things so I think I'm going to suggest he stays at his mums until he gets help and then we can see if there is anything salvageable left

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 15/05/2023 07:26

You can still support him but that does not mean you need to live with him. He needs to move out, seek help and once he regains a balance you can talk about the future of your marriage.

100daystogo · 15/05/2023 07:30

If possible sit down calmly and explain everything you have said here. He needs to hear this feedback. Then make an action plan together, what’s your boundaries. You can tolerate x but won’t tolerate z.

In your head work out can you stay if he doesn’t change, how long do you give?

Flufs · 15/05/2023 07:39

I would give him an ultimation. A choice. Get help from the GP (tablets, coucelling) this week or leave. You are at breaking point and cannot cope with his behaviour any longer.

Flufs · 15/05/2023 07:40

Telling him to stay at his mums till he gets help seems a good option. Hopefully it will be a wake up call to him

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 07:41

If he needs help but won’t get it, then it’s over. He is affecting the family but won’t do anything about it.

Frogger8395 · 15/05/2023 11:58

Abusive behaviour is not a medical problem. Pills from his gp or counselling will not cure it.

Outdamnspot23 · 15/05/2023 16:12

"There's mental illness and there's arsholeness." Well said @Alcemeg

OP you sound like a really nice person and you're clearly desperate to save your marriage - but doing that isn't something you can do by just trying harder yourself. You both need to be trying, and right now you're doing 99% of it and he's doing 1% if that.

I can't actually believe that he's not taken over the cooking and house stuff when he's at home all day. What does he think is actually wrong with him? (I mean that genuinely, does he believe he is ill?)

You say "in between the outbursts he is a really good dad and husband" but be honest, if you were telling him to fuck off multiple times a day, refusing to work, scaring your son for attention, going on rants about sandwiches, and so on - even if you were nice in between would you truly consider yourself a good mum and husband?

And when you say "tiptoeing around apologising" - is that you doing the apologising? Please stop apologising, stand up for yourself and your son, and tell him that he needs to stop being a bully to you both, talk to a GP, sort his attitude out and organise some counselling for himself by the end of this week or he can go to his mum's - no argument.

Outdamnspot23 · 15/05/2023 16:13

*a good mum and wife, even

Alcemeg · 15/05/2023 16:22

@Outdamnspot23
In between the outbursts, Hitler was a caring vegetarian 😜

Turfwars · 15/05/2023 16:41

DH has long covid - lots of health niggles and also was made redundant. We also got married just before he lost his job. He's not got MH issues but lots of his symptoms are unpleasant and leave me to do a lot of the slack.

I made my vows -in sickness and in health, better or worse and all that and I fully mean them. But if it was adversely affecting our DS I would be gone. Or at least I would separate until DH sorted himself out so that DS wasn't impacted.

So to me that's the line - it's affecting your child. And it's one thing if it was something he's worked on and tried so hard to fix, but he's not even trying. So you have to remove your child until he does at least attempt to sort himself out.

Franticbutterfly · 15/05/2023 17:07

There are no "shoulds". Your main responsibility is to your child. If you think your child would be better off with you alone but in a happier home then your decision could already have been made.