Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men paying on dates?

128 replies

CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 13:49

Ive been out of the dating game for so long so I'm not sure what the general thing is with this but I was just saying how expensive dating can be if you factor in having to pay for childcare plus dinner and drinks basically a night out could cost over £100 and been told I shouldn't be paying for dinner or drinks?! I thought the done thing now was splitting the bill? Apparently I shouldn't even be going out with a man who wouldn't pay the whole bill but how would you even know till the bill arrives 🤔?! I thought splitting was the done thing these days?

OP posts:
AbsolutePixels · 14/05/2023 00:24

Nothing better than leaving them without the "and the bitch got a free meal out of me as women do" self-pity rant with their friends in the pub later.

There's nothing empowering about handing over your hard-earned cash to earn the good opinion of a low-life such as you describe. He'll slag you off anyway: if he's not moaning about free meals, it'll be something else he didn't like. You can't cure him of misogyny by picking up the bill. If he's the type of man who likes to call women bitches, that's a him problem - it's nothing to do with what you did/didn't do.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/05/2023 00:28

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 13/05/2023 16:07

MN is the only place I've ever seen women saying that men SHOULD pay on dates/they'd never see them again if they were so 'disrespectful" as to not pay.
In the real world, women offer to pay half because that's fair. If the man accepts, it does not make him any of the negative connotations MN would suggest.

And then of course the irony is that MN is also full of women moaning about wanting true equality!

Can’t win 😅

Seasidemumma77 · 14/05/2023 00:40

I always paid my share on dates until we became a couple. Now, whoever suggests/plans the date pays. Gives us the freedom to plan dates within our very different budgets without putting undue pressure on the other. Works for us.

EBearhug · 14/05/2023 01:08

I go prepared to pay all (just in case), usually offer to split, but now I'm in my 50s, have given up arguing with those who insist on paying.

Current man has paid more than me overall, but we're probably roughly even if we ignore being taken on holiday for my birthday, and it's not just about money anyway. I think we're pretty equal on the mutual support of doing things for each other.

DontCallMeMaybeBaby · 14/05/2023 01:09

I am more than happy to be treated. Personally I don’t think I’d want to agree to a second date with a man who didn’t pay, but it’s never happened.
I don’t think we ask enough of men in general in society; could give numerous examples of all the times they benefit from double standards and I am held to a higher standard than they are. So yes, I’m more than happy to let them handle this one.

Comedycook · 14/05/2023 01:17

Equality within a romantic relationship is not as clear cut as it is in other areas of life. We are driven by our hormones and emotions to a certain extent within romantic relationships....the reason a lot of women prefer a man to pay is not because she is desperate for a free plate of pasta carbonara and a glass of pinot grigio...it's a bit more primal...

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2023 03:13

I'm a bi woman and thus have experience of dating women.

In MN threads about dating etiquette, there are often posters who advise, wait for the man to text, the man will show his interest if he is interested, let him suggest the dates, he should pay for the first date..... Etc.

This reminds me of two women I dated, who absolutely expected me to meet these expectations. I was expected to court them basically, suggest the dates, make all arrangements, and pay for all the drinks, taxi etc!

It massively put me off. I found it fucking passive and really unsexy.

And yet both are otherwise nice and attractive, intelligent women. It was just when I started dating them that they appeared to slip back into the 1960s....

I chose not to pursue either relationship to any great extent. Both did progress as far as sex, but I even regret that because I was already starting to feel a bit exhausted by the weird expectations they were putting upon me, so it was done (from my side) more out of a sense of obligation and not wanting them to feel rejected in both cases, which is not a good or fair or sensible reason to sleep with anyone I fully admit......

I imagine some men must feel the same.

If you like someone, text him/her.

If you fancy him/her, ask them on a date.

If you are happy to be on a date, be willing to pay your way, either by splitting the bill or alternating.

I think

ClaireSweeneyStuntDouble · 14/05/2023 03:20

Play it by ear and do what suits you.

On mumsnet so many people married their uni boyfriend and are horrified by the very idea of online dating (they think everyone would be pressurising them into having anal sex in the pub toilets 5 mins after having met) that their advice is a bit shit and out of touch.

slipsand · 14/05/2023 04:16

In modern 'first' dating, offer to split and be prepared to, but men usually pay. If you know you're never seeing the guy again insist

Subsequent dates are split or you get the next one.

As a pp said - better not to meet for dinner anyway, it's too long to be out with someone you're meeting for the first time and really awkward if you instantly know you're not attracted.

gannett · 14/05/2023 06:45

Like others I insisted on a 50/50 split from the start because I wanted to set out the base principle of equality in a relationship. I specifically wanted to weed out men who had a "traditional" mindset. If a man tried to override me and insist on paying, that was a red flag and a sign to me that he'd try to override me in other ways, or see me as a possession or trophy that he could buy.

I have never found that a man willing to go 50/50 was mean in other ways. But then I always raise an eyebrow when women complain a man is "tight" or "not generous", because usually there's an expectation of being paid for underpinning that. You hardly ever see women called "tight" and the same women who complain a man is "tight" would never dream of reaching into their purses themselves. Personally I think being sensible with money is a great character trait and something else I wanted to find in a man.

I also find the expectation of being paid for on a first date a bit backwards. When you get to know someone and like them, that's when it's nice to treat them. That's when it means something. On a first date you barely know each other at all. I have no interest in paying for someone who's basically a stranger and it would be bizarre if I expected him to prove he was seriously interested in me at that stage. Of course you're not seriously interested in each other after an hour over drinks. The point of dating is to find out.

Once you're actually in a relationship, that's when it's natural to treat your partner and be treated by them in return. Not on a first date.

snitzelvoncrumb · 14/05/2023 06:55

Comedycook · 13/05/2023 18:14

I'd offer to split...

Then

If I liked him and he offered to pay, I'd graciously accept and offer to pay full next time.

If I didn't like him and had no intention of seeing iagain, I'd insist on splitting.

If I liked him and he accepted my offer to pay half, I'd pay up and never see him again.

This is also what I think. I would never expect a man to pay for me, but if he let me pay I would assume he wasn’t that interested or just really cheap. To me it’s a nice way of letting someone know you are interested.

gannett · 14/05/2023 06:57

snitzelvoncrumb · 14/05/2023 06:55

This is also what I think. I would never expect a man to pay for me, but if he let me pay I would assume he wasn’t that interested or just really cheap. To me it’s a nice way of letting someone know you are interested.

Show quote history

I don't understand this if it's about a first date.

He doesn't know you. He doesn't know if he's seriously interested. And vice versa. How can you know if you're actually interested in someone before you've spent multiple dates with them?

snitzelvoncrumb · 14/05/2023 07:00

Though if I was dating just for casual ‘fun’ for the night if he didn’t pay, I wouldn’t be interested in ‘fun’.

snitzelvoncrumb · 14/05/2023 07:02

gannett · 14/05/2023 06:57

I don't understand this if it's about a first date.

He doesn't know you. He doesn't know if he's seriously interested. And vice versa. How can you know if you're actually interested in someone before you've spent multiple dates with them?

Show quote history

A first date it the first chance to make a good impression. I would absolutely offer to split it.

WeWereInParis · 14/05/2023 07:07

I don't understand this if it's about a first date.

He doesn't know you. He doesn't know if he's seriously interested. And vice versa. How can you know if you're actually interested in someone before you've spent multiple dates with them?

I have definitely been on first dates where I've not needed several more to know I'm not interested.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/05/2023 07:09

The person who invites, pays?

gannett · 14/05/2023 07:15

snitzelvoncrumb · 14/05/2023 07:02

A first date it the first chance to make a good impression. I would absolutely offer to split it.

Show quote history

Yes, both he and I are trying to make a good impression with our conversation and our personality, not our bank accounts. But it's meaningless to "treat" someone you've only spent an hour with. It's not real interest.

gannett · 14/05/2023 07:16

WeWereInParis · 14/05/2023 07:07

I don't understand this if it's about a first date.

He doesn't know you. He doesn't know if he's seriously interested. And vice versa. How can you know if you're actually interested in someone before you've spent multiple dates with them?

I have definitely been on first dates where I've not needed several more to know I'm not interested.

Oh for sure, same. I've never known whether I was actually interested in someone off one date though. Usually takes at least 3-4 dates.

CurlewKate · 14/05/2023 07:16

I haven't dated for 30 years-but I made it clear to my dd that she should always split the bill-it keeps the power balance more equal.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 14/05/2023 07:23

Men doing more of the paying screams old fashioned (not a good thing as it often goes hand in hand with expecting the woman to look pretty for them / be grateful that the hero of a man has paid / do the housework if you ever live together).

Many, many men still expect women to pay AND do/be all that.
Most men are only ’progressive’ 50/50 when it comes to money/ women paying.
Women should be carefull that they don’t get with stingy and useless men.

Idrankyourbananamilk · 14/05/2023 07:39

It’s interesting, because when I was dating I found that the men who insisted on paying for everything were the ones who then seemed to think you “owed” them something. Like the one who got shitty because I wouldn’t come home with him (first date) and said he’d paid for all the drinks which I shouldn’t have accepted if I wasn’t going to put out, and he’d wasted a decent Saturday evening on me. For the record, it was 3 drinks and I’d tried to pay for the second but he point blank refused and then ordered a third one (and it was a double) while I was in the bathroom getting ready to make a swift exit. Lesson learned there about being polite and staying when your instincts tell you to leg it.

The ones who tried to pick up the second round of drinks/dinner but politely allowed me to insist on splitting the bill were the ones who seemed to be the most decent people in the long run.

I think expecting a date to always pay for everything because they are a man is taking the piss. And then what do two women do? Or two men?!

Idrankyourbananamilk · 14/05/2023 07:44

For the record, DP is a 50/50 man and that rolls on to everything. Housework, admin, money, free time and hobbies. He’s been picking up more than 50 this month as I’ve had deadlines, and hasn’t mentioned it once. He does all diy as he’s a tradesman and only expects me to help with that if I’m keen.

You can find properly decent men, you just need to be prepared to date lots and throw them back in the pond when it becomes apparent they aren’t going to pull their weight.

KCIII · 14/05/2023 08:02

JenniferBooth · 14/05/2023 00:00

@KCIII And yet when women post on this board that they are with someone who wont do his share or makes their partner account for every penny they spend on the kids they get replies like "well surely you must have spotted this in the early days" "werent there any red flags" "why didnt you notice before" etc etc.

I’ll say it again - suggesting if someone buys you dinner as the way to determine whether someone will be an equal partner is ridiculous.

man doesn’t pay for coffee and this is now a “red flag”. Absolutely nuts.

Sh4rkAttack · 14/05/2023 08:27

WrigglyDonCat · 13/05/2023 22:40

This will probably get me a torching...

It probably says a lot about my naïveté as a youngster way back, er, quite a long time ago, like early 1990s back to my uni days - but actually until reading similar threads to this in the last year or so, I had no idea it was a 'tradition' that men pay, certainly for the first date, and possibly all dates.

As a young man I wouldn't have thought to offer to pay for everything and I guess expected a broadly 50:50 split. Why? Because I wouldn't have wanted to (or indeed dared to) imply that my date wasn't my equal. Passing through my teenage years in the 1980s and early 90s meant that I expected women would assume they would be treated equally, so it wouldn't have entered my head to suggest otherwise. That doesn't necessarily mean a meticulous 50:50 to the last penny - one person buying drink and the other food, for example, works fine as long as over a couple of dates it broadly balances. It also doesn't preclude someone who is a better financial situation treating the other (whether man treating woman or vice versa), but in my undergrad and postgrad dating days we were mostly running on fumes financially so generally people were in a pretty similar position of penury.

Indeed had I insisted on paying everything with the young woman I was to spend 27 years with until she died a couple of years ago, it would have been 'destination Dumpsville, population me'. She was truly her own woman and would be beholden to no-one, and anyone trying to force her to behave differently would have received extremely short shrift. You might almost think that her fierce independence and sense of fairness was part of her attraction to me. Now that I'm thinking about my future, in my mind, I guess she sets the standard - any woman who expects me to routinely pay for the privilege of her company can, to use modern parlance, get in the bin. It would tell me everything I need to know about her values, and they wouldn't be the values for me.

At the time this didn't strike me as odd or unusual, it was what I assumed she would expect - which it was - might explain why we got on of course (but she was not the only one - just the one that I settled with - it was normal with everyone in those days in my circles)

I would also say as someone of forty plus quite a lot of years and now dipping my aged, marginally wrinkled toes into the OLD world, I have found this seems to be a perfectly normal and acceptable route with all the people I have been on dates with.

As for those PPs who wonder if I would be happy with unshaved legs and no makeup in a date? I'm easy on the former and pretty much look for the latter. I want to see the real person thanks, can't be doing with some poor artificial facsimile of the real deal.

I'm a woman of a similar vintage to you and agree with all of this. Slightly staggered that so many women want / expect the man to pay, and any man who made this assumption would be unlikely to see me again. But then, I've never worn make up and hardly ever shave my legs... I guess, as pointed out upthread, these things serve as quite useful compatibility checks.

AbsolutePixels · 14/05/2023 08:28

I’ll say it again - suggesting if someone buys you dinner as the way to determine whether someone will be an equal partner is ridiculous

You're getting things the wrong way round. It's not that the man who pays is proving he's a good partner, it's that the stingy 50/50 is proving he's not. It's a good way of ruling men out.