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Original poster

Men paying on dates?

128 replies

CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 13:49

Ive been out of the dating game for so long so I'm not sure what the general thing is with this but I was just saying how expensive dating can be if you factor in having to pay for childcare plus dinner and drinks basically a night out could cost over £100 and been told I shouldn't be paying for dinner or drinks?! I thought the done thing now was splitting the bill? Apparently I shouldn't even be going out with a man who wouldn't pay the whole bill but how would you even know till the bill arrives 🤔?! I thought splitting was the done thing these days?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2023 17:17

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 13/05/2023 16:52

I never paid when I was dating. Met my husband about 6 years ago. He asks. He pays. If he wanted me to split it i would pay but I wouldn’t have seen him again. Never happened though and I always got asked out again. If men ask you to pay they’re not interested in you romantically.

DH let me but my own coffee and cake on our first date. Then he paid for the cinema and I height the ice cream on it next few. God to know 11 years and 3 kids later he's not interested in me 😂

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 13/05/2023 17:22

@Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway I’m very far from a simpering little woman thanks. I’m 5ft 10 for a start and I expect to be treated well. That’s all. The way people date is a personal choice. Some women want to pay, others think it’s a man’s role, some want to have sex on first meet, others wouldn’t dream of it. Personal.choice.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 13/05/2023 17:28

@SleepingStandingUp not what I said. Letting you pay is different from asking you to pay.

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/05/2023 17:35

A man paying is a very 'role traditional' thing to do.

So I guess those who expect it are also comfortable in the 'female traditional role' of doing household chores.

I'm not traditional, so 50/50 always for me. Why would I let someone else pay for the food I ate?? Baffling expectation.

JenniferBooth · 13/05/2023 18:02

I agree with @Wavescrashingonthebeach I have a couple of friends married to men who are all 50/50 when it comes to money including the dating when they first met but its the only bit of feminism they have been willing to get on board with. It hasnt manifested itself into the housework and childcare. One had to save up for her own maternity leave like it was the Immaculate Conception FFS.

Comedycook · 13/05/2023 18:14

I'd offer to split...

Then

If I liked him and he offered to pay, I'd graciously accept and offer to pay full next time.

If I didn't like him and had no intention of seeing iagain, I'd insist on splitting.

If I liked him and he accepted my offer to pay half, I'd pay up and never see him again.

defi · 13/05/2023 18:18

If a guy asks me out on a date I would expect them to pay. First dates for me are usually quick drink, coffee, icecream. Save dinner dates for further along. If I guy didn't have it in him to ask me on a date and pay for a first date he's not the guy for me.

perfectcolourfound · 13/05/2023 18:24

I'm amazed there are still people who think men should pay more for dates.

OK, if they invite you for a meal then they may want to pay - same as if the woman suggests a meal, she might expect to pay. It should level out at 50/50 over time, either by going 50/50 each time, or taking it in turns to pay.

If you want to be treated as an equal in a relationship then you have to act like an equal from day one. Men paying is a throwback to when only men earned money, and women relied on them to be 'treated'. I find men who respect me as their equal much more attractive and better long-term bets. I'd be offended if a man assumed he earned more than me so should be paying.

Men doing more of the paying screams old fashioned (not a good thing as it often goes hand in hand with expecting the woman to look pretty for them / be grateful that the hero of a man has paid / do the housework if you ever live together).

indigovapour · 13/05/2023 18:27

Comedycook · 13/05/2023 18:14

I'd offer to split...

Then

If I liked him and he offered to pay, I'd graciously accept and offer to pay full next time.

If I didn't like him and had no intention of seeing iagain, I'd insist on splitting.

If I liked him and he accepted my offer to pay half, I'd pay up and never see him again.

This is hilarious. Do you provide this as a laminated flowchart in advance or are dates expected to just guess the weird rules you've invented?

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 18:28

I don’t really understand how it works with not going on dates unless a man pays, do people actually ask beforehand? That seems so awkward

OP posts:
indigovapour · 13/05/2023 18:29

@OhComeOn123 "Nothing more unattractive than a tight arse."

Why be one then?

BounceyB · 13/05/2023 18:30

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/05/2023 16:51

Il add if I had zero chemistry with someone I would 100% pay for everything I had on a first date

This is me too. If I've had a really good evening and want to see them again I'm more than happy for them to pay but would then offer tye next time.

Comedycook · 13/05/2023 18:37

indigovapour · 13/05/2023 18:27

This is hilarious. Do you provide this as a laminated flowchart in advance or are dates expected to just guess the weird rules you've invented?

Show quote history

Well I'm not single and haven't been for a long time...but when I was dating this is what I did.

JenniferBooth · 13/05/2023 18:41

@briansgardenshed if a woman pays for the whole date is she also paying for the mans company

SirenSays · 13/05/2023 18:42

Comedycook · 13/05/2023 18:14

I'd offer to split...

Then

If I liked him and he offered to pay, I'd graciously accept and offer to pay full next time.

If I didn't like him and had no intention of seeing iagain, I'd insist on splitting.

If I liked him and he accepted my offer to pay half, I'd pay up and never see him again.

Exactly what I was about to say.

I think the person who invites should expect to pay and for me thats always been the man

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/05/2023 18:54

@perfectcolourfound

Do you have children? If so does the man you are with split the housework 50/50 and also when you are on mat leave how did he treat you?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/05/2023 18:57

Why don't we start splitting pregnancy and childbirth 50/50 😂😂😂😂

ArcticSkewer · 13/05/2023 19:00

Op have you actually had many of these dinner dates yet?
I know you say you want to do them, rather than coffee, but you may not be saying that from experience?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/05/2023 19:01

I don’t really understand how it works with not going on dates unless a man pays, do people actually ask beforehand? That seems so awkward

It is a bit mad these days to be fair. I usually go on the expectation that I may have to pay, I wouldn't go along to a meal with an empty purse. It's just nicer if they can be a man and pay for the first date if they have asked me. I don't go out with men who wear heels and wear makeup, I'm not a full on "trad wife" I work and earn my own money but there are some aspects of masculinity and femininity that can be desirable. I wonder how well I would do if I went on a first date with hairy legs and no makeup.. men do so why shouldn't we?!
Each to their own, as this thread proves there is no set way any more and it's a case of finding someone you are more compatible with. But ladies, if you go out with a man who's all 50/50 don't be surprised if you are left skint when you've had a baby. Consider yourselves warned by one who's seen it all before and it's all over this forum!

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 13/05/2023 19:02

The irony of people saying a man is unattractive when he doesn't pay, while not wanting to pay themselves.

I'd split it. I want a relationship of equals from the outset.

billysboy · 13/05/2023 19:04

Old fashioned fella here

if I invited anyone to dinner male or female or even a group I would expect and want to pay as I had invited them

if I was lucky enough to have a date I would always expect to pay , wouldn’t let it spoil the date but would feel uncomfortable if the other person paid

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2023 19:06

billysboy · 13/05/2023 19:04

Old fashioned fella here

if I invited anyone to dinner male or female or even a group I would expect and want to pay as I had invited them

if I was lucky enough to have a date I would always expect to pay , wouldn’t let it spoil the date but would feel uncomfortable if the other person paid

If you're old-fashioned, who cleans the bathroom, cooks and does all the rest of the housework when you're in a relationship?

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 19:07

ArcticSkewer · 13/05/2023 19:00

Op have you actually had many of these dinner dates yet?
I know you say you want to do them, rather than coffee, but you may not be saying that from experience?

Yes pre children cinema dinner drinks at a bar, never been for a coffee and none of my friends do that

OP posts:
Starseeking · 13/05/2023 19:09

I would offer half, but expect him to pay. A lot of men would expect to pay too.

With my EXDP, I offered to pay half on the first date, which he didn't accept, but only drank water "to keep the costs down".

I should have listened to my instinct, as he was tight-fisted and miserly. Lucky for me I was completely financially independent, so didn't rely on him for anything.

I only intend to have a relationship with a generous man in future, and by generous I mean with everything; time, emotions, money, love. Those that aren't, won't last.

ArcticSkewer · 13/05/2023 19:09

OK.
Well it's up to you but it's a bit of a numbers game these days so you may be eating a lot of dinners with slightly dull companions.