Confront the Other Woman?

WomensLandArmy · 12/05/2023 18:27

Seems like you are doing all the work here. ? Surely for you to want to reconcile you would want him to show remorse and regret and be truthful at the very least?

Niceseasidetown · 12/05/2023 18:28

My friends husband had an affair. My friend did message her. It got vicious on both sides.

This isn't going to help you reconcile. Contact with her with make it all the more real and you won't want him back.

My friend was also plagued by self-loathing and comparisons.

Honestly? I think you want something from this youre not going to get.

If he's lying to you then her telling the truth isn't going to help you reconcile now is it.

IfICouldIStillWouldNot · 12/05/2023 18:30

He is lying to you, but don't think for a minute that she will tell you the truth. You will probably never know the full details and there will always be secrets about this betrayal/deceit between you. Can you accept that?

Original poster

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 18:36

"If he's lying to you then her telling the truth isn't going to help you reconcile now is it."

Yes unfortunately this is what's stopping me. I know if that he hasn't been truthful about the extent then finding out will make it less likely for me to take him back. On the other hand if (and this is a very small if) he has beeb truthful then I think I can move forward with him.

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Original poster

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 18:38

WomensLandArmy · 12/05/2023 18:27

Seems like you are doing all the work here. ? Surely for you to want to reconcile you would want him to show remorse and regret and be truthful at the very least?

sigh Yes unfortunately I also feel like I'm doing all the work. Which isn't good is it?

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WomensLandArmy · 12/05/2023 18:42

Nope. This is not your problem to fix. His level of effort and desire to do the right thing demonstrates how invested he is in reconciliation. Not much?!

PollyPeptide · 12/05/2023 18:47

You know the truth just not all the intimate details. He cheated on you and would have carried on doing so if he could have got away with it. You don't trust him not to cheat again because you don't even trust that he's not lying.

Any way forward is going to be torturous and long and confronting his gf isn't going to make it any easier.

sladys · 12/05/2023 18:50

It sounds like you caught him and that's the reason he stopped?

Therefore if you hadn't caught him he'd be happy to continue to lie to you?

If that's the case why would you believe a word he's saying?

HicLocusEst · 12/05/2023 18:53

He's read the Script. He's lying.
It's very easy to focus on the woman your cheating skank of a husband betrayed you with.
If he wants your forgiveness, he works fucking hard to win your trust back.
Leave the woman out of it. She's not your problem.

Houseupdate · 12/05/2023 18:54

He has had an affair and understandably you don’t trust him. Either she says he is telling the truth and then you have to decide if you believe her, would you? or she says something different and then what do you do? Or she doesn’t want to talk to you.

AsteroidCollection · 12/05/2023 19:01

Why do you want to reconcile with him if he is making zero effort to show remorse or make amends?

OneMoreCookieMonster · 12/05/2023 19:02

I'd probably contact her. You have nothing to lose really. If you want to continue on with your relationship and feel you need the details then I would. Either way he's lied to you and betrayed you. You might as well know the full extent and make your decisions from there.

What's the worst thing that could happen? She won't reply to you or that she will lie and back him up. But, if you do contact her make sure it's done privately. You don't know her circumstances beyond she didn't know he was married. The blame here lies with your husband not her.

Also, if he wanted to make it work with you he should be being completely open and honest about the details. He's not showing any remorse or effort in wanting to patch things up

Bonbon21 · 12/05/2023 19:05

He has lied. He has been unfaithful.. whether it was physically almost doesnt matter.. the intention was there.
One chance and he failed.
Not good enough for me.
He would be gone.
If I am not number one in his life he is not in mine.

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 19:06

You don't believe him, and even if she corroborates his story you still won't believe it.

You need to decide whether you can move forward based on accepting that whatever he's told you is the truth or not.

GuevarasBeret · 12/05/2023 19:08

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 18:25

Hi. Looking for some advice. I discovered my husbands affair a few weeks back.

I'm still not convinced that he's being honest about the extent of the affair (ie says they didn't have sex) or how many times they met up. I believe he didn't have sex with her however I think they went further then he's told me and they've met up more times than he's said.

In order for me to be able to consider reconciling I need to know that I have the truth about the extent of the affair. I don't want explicit details but otherwise I'll continue to drive myself crazy with questions about times he went out / worked late etx.

He won't give me these answers so the only other way I can find out is by contacting her. I've read loads of people say that there's no point as she'll lie just as much however in this situation, she doesn't know that he was married. He just suddenly cut contact with her when I found out.

Anyone been in this situation (ie other woman had no idea he was married) and regretted contacting her or glad they did?

TYSM in advance.

It won’t help you reconcile.

But his actions aren’t that of someone who wants to reconcile- this is a test to see whether you can be coerced into shut up & put up.

what do you think she’d say anyway?

honestly, don’t lose your self respect. Just get rid of him now.

XBealtaine · 12/05/2023 19:09

This is torture. I'd tell him that you have to give up because you don't know what it is you're accepting or forgiving or overlooking. You just don't know. And because you don't know and because he won't tell you, you have to give up.

I think he thinks that telling you that he did sleep with her would be worse than leaving you with doubts and uncertainty. but it definitely isn't. I think it's more disrespect.

Mykittensmittens · 12/05/2023 19:11

I’ve been in your position and yes, I did contact her.

I was in a tenuous position - in the middle of IVF, considering whether to continue my marriage, emotions all over the place. He was a very convincing, lying, manipulative wanker who exploited my vulnerabilities to convince me it wasn’t a full on affair and that he would never, ever do it again.

I’m glad I did talk to her. I found out it was a lot lot more than he’d described. They’d had sex in my bed when I was at work. She was able to describe the contents of my dressing table and so forth. That was the tip of the iceberg. He’d also had several over sleazy hook ups and had admitted this to her, they met on a ‘no strings’ website (he said something else) and so on and so on.

so for me, going to her gave me the anger to divorce the bastard and not look back.

XBealtaine · 12/05/2023 19:12

Are you in Dubai? [sad}

PollyAmour · 12/05/2023 19:18

I think, from what you've written, that you don't believe he's telling the truth regardless of what the other woman says. I would advise against contacting her, and work on separating from your husband as soon as you can. He's a cheat, and you deserve better than this.

PrestonHood121 · 12/05/2023 19:32

If he won't give you the answers you need, then I wouldn't waste time trying to reconcile.

Rogue1001MNer · 12/05/2023 19:37

XBealtaine · 12/05/2023 19:12

Are you in Dubai? [sad}

Ooo. If this means who I think you're referring to, I do hope you're wrong

AnyFucker · 12/05/2023 19:40

What is this about Dubai ??

Aubree17 · 12/05/2023 19:43

Trust your gut instinct.
If you don't believe him the trust will be gone and that is not a basis for moving forward in a relationship.
You'll end up miserable.
If you contact her, ask yourself what you want from it.

Original poster

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 19:52

XBealtaine · 12/05/2023 19:12

Are you in Dubai? [sad}

Nope, UK. My username is dubai as I used to live there

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Original poster

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 19:54

Mykittensmittens · 12/05/2023 19:11

I’ve been in your position and yes, I did contact her.

I was in a tenuous position - in the middle of IVF, considering whether to continue my marriage, emotions all over the place. He was a very convincing, lying, manipulative wanker who exploited my vulnerabilities to convince me it wasn’t a full on affair and that he would never, ever do it again.

I’m glad I did talk to her. I found out it was a lot lot more than he’d described. They’d had sex in my bed when I was at work. She was able to describe the contents of my dressing table and so forth. That was the tip of the iceberg. He’d also had several over sleazy hook ups and had admitted this to her, they met on a ‘no strings’ website (he said something else) and so on and so on.

so for me, going to her gave me the anger to divorce the bastard and not look back.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I think what I'm hoping to gain from contacting her is either a) she backs up what he says in which case I can work forward with him or b) she tells me more in which case I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably separate tbh.

But atm I'm stuck in limbo with no clearer mind than when I found out.

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