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Original poster

Confront the Other Woman?

103 replies

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 18:25

Hi. Looking for some advice. I discovered my husbands affair a few weeks back.

I'm still not convinced that he's being honest about the extent of the affair (ie says they didn't have sex) or how many times they met up. I believe he didn't have sex with her however I think they went further then he's told me and they've met up more times than he's said.

In order for me to be able to consider reconciling I need to know that I have the truth about the extent of the affair. I don't want explicit details but otherwise I'll continue to drive myself crazy with questions about times he went out / worked late etx.

He won't give me these answers so the only other way I can find out is by contacting her. I've read loads of people say that there's no point as she'll lie just as much however in this situation, she doesn't know that he was married. He just suddenly cut contact with her when I found out.

Anyone been in this situation (ie other woman had no idea he was married) and regretted contacting her or glad they did?

TYSM in advance.

OP posts:
BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 09:56

Excellent explanation.

Total transparency, brutal honesty and couple counselling should be the bare minimum, in order to continue with the relationship.

Sorry you endured another 7 years to finally reach this point.

Starseeking · 13/05/2023 09:56

Just leave him.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 09:58

My post was in response to @Carby86

SideBob · 13/05/2023 10:01

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 06:09

Nope. I was the OW and genuinely had no idea he was married. When I found out I didn’t consider it a ‘me’ problem and would not have believed I had any obligation to tell his wife anything, her problem, not mine and I just wanted to remove myself, would not want to be dragged into it by her! She would have been given extremely short shrift if she contacted me.

This is just needlessly hostile. If she was polite and civil, why would you not just say what happened?

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 10:19

SideBob · 13/05/2023 10:01

This is just needlessly hostile. If she was polite and civil, why would you not just say what happened?

Show quote history

Because these type of people don’t care and most probably knew they were messing with married men or men who were already supposed to be in committed relationships.

If I had also been lied to as the OW, I would gladly be spilling all the beans in solidarity with the other woman/women that had also been cheated on by the same man.

I would want to know the truth if this happened to me. Get it all out in the open and then move onto better times.

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 10:49

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime Because these type of people don’t care and most probably knew they were messing with married men or men who were already supposed to be in committed relationships

I’d this was in relation to myself, you are truly out of order. I most certainly had no idea the person I was seeing was married or in a relationship with anyone. The particular scenario did lend itself to people being able to pull this off if they were cheating (think a job where you stayed on site around the clock for several days, rarely had a day or two off and were back).

And to @SideBob , it’s not needlessly hostile. It’s a situation you didn’t ask to be in and instead of being able to 100% remove yourself when you find out, it’s continuing by being dragged into a shitshow by someone who is, to all intents and purposes, a complete random to you. It’s not your shitshow, it’s their shitshow so why should you be expected to give it one single second more of your life?

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 10:51

*If this was

SideBob · 13/05/2023 10:52

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 10:49

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime Because these type of people don’t care and most probably knew they were messing with married men or men who were already supposed to be in committed relationships

I’d this was in relation to myself, you are truly out of order. I most certainly had no idea the person I was seeing was married or in a relationship with anyone. The particular scenario did lend itself to people being able to pull this off if they were cheating (think a job where you stayed on site around the clock for several days, rarely had a day or two off and were back).

And to @SideBob , it’s not needlessly hostile. It’s a situation you didn’t ask to be in and instead of being able to 100% remove yourself when you find out, it’s continuing by being dragged into a shitshow by someone who is, to all intents and purposes, a complete random to you. It’s not your shitshow, it’s their shitshow so why should you be expected to give it one single second more of your life?

Somebody's life is falling apart and you'd giving them 'short shrift' (rapid and unsympathetic dismissal or curt treatment). And you don't think that's needlessly hostile when you were involved? And clearly it is your shitshow, you were part of it whether you were aware or not

SideBob · 13/05/2023 10:55

I have to agree with @BelieveThemtheFirstTime about the type of person who is usually the OW. It's one thing to be unaware of an affair and offer solidarity but getting snippy and rude with the poor wife/partner is really poor behaviour

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 10:58

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 10:49

@BelieveThemtheFirstTime Because these type of people don’t care and most probably knew they were messing with married men or men who were already supposed to be in committed relationships

I’d this was in relation to myself, you are truly out of order. I most certainly had no idea the person I was seeing was married or in a relationship with anyone. The particular scenario did lend itself to people being able to pull this off if they were cheating (think a job where you stayed on site around the clock for several days, rarely had a day or two off and were back).

And to @SideBob , it’s not needlessly hostile. It’s a situation you didn’t ask to be in and instead of being able to 100% remove yourself when you find out, it’s continuing by being dragged into a shitshow by someone who is, to all intents and purposes, a complete random to you. It’s not your shitshow, it’s their shitshow so why should you be expected to give it one single second more of your life?

Because it would be the decent thing to do that’s why.

And yes, it is also your shitshow, as you were also involved in their relationship, regardless of whether you were initially aware of the partner/Wife.

ZebraD · 13/05/2023 11:05

Put yourself in the OW shoes. She starts seeing someone and he just ghosts her from what you say. She doesn’t know about you.
Yet most of these comments are suggesting you can’t trust her? Why can’t you?
She has been duped just like you. In fairness to her, she is probably wondering what the heck happened and could potentially be really upset and therefore have her own questions that need to be answered.
I feel for both of you so if you do contact her, remember she has no reason to lie to you and be gentle with each other.
I really hope you find some peace as it must have been a gut wrenching couple of weeks.

perfectcolourfound · 13/05/2023 11:05

I'm really sorry op, but I think you already have enough information without contacting her.

If he was truly sorry, if he acknowledged the damage he's done to you and your marriage, he would be doing everything he could to reassure you, to rebuild your marriage, to put things right with you.

But he's refusing to give you details. The one thing you need most in order to move on.

You shouldn't have to ask another person what your husband has been up to. You should be able to trustyour husband, to know he's giving you the full truth. If you can't trust him, if he won't give you the full truth, what chance do you stand of having a good marriage going forward?

RunThroughTheJungle · 13/05/2023 11:18

My husband had an affair 16 years ago, he was devastated when I found out and broke it off, he begged me for a second chance. He 100% committed to me. We had counselling and I truly thought our marriage was strong because we had the experience and the knowledge to ever stop it happening again. We were happy for 16 years.

Then he met someone at a low point in our marriage, I'm going through the menopause and have been having a tough time, he has always had bad mental health and anxiety and he was struggling. All the tools we had set up to stop it happening again were of zero use as he didn't want them to be of use. He knew it would lead to our marriage ending but he was happy for that the happen as he'd fallen in love with her. He still loves me and I truly believe he'll regret what he's done, but she's currently exciting and I'm not. When he eventually realises she's no more exciting than me, he'll plummet into depression, but it'll be too late I'll never take him back now.

Save yourself the heartache. Dealing with infidelity was very hard the first time but he fought for me and that was intoxicating, it's much harder when you've been left behind.

Lillyrosemay · 13/05/2023 11:31

Can I ask if it wasn’t a physical relationship then what has made it an affair over a friendship?

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 11:36

Lillyrosemay · 13/05/2023 11:31

Can I ask if it wasn’t a physical relationship then what has made it an affair over a friendship?

Emotional affairs without any physical contact is still deceit and considered cheating.

There were still lies and deception.

Ultimately, the trust is gone.

Only time will tell in regard to whether the cheating partner will cheat again. It’s a big risk to take.

MrsJackWhicher · 13/05/2023 11:40

In my case he was loving the life of a single man and everyone thought he was divorced -he went about openly with me in his local area. He don’t want me to visit his home as good two sons were teenagers and he didn’t want them to meet me till he has a chance to prepare them
Eventually he admitted his wife also lived there and that they led separate lives, but not so separate that he was prepared to reveal my existence to her.
Anyone in Richmond borough avoid a tall handsome seemingly surprisingly dingle

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 11:41

And clearly it is your shitshow, you were part of it whether you were aware or not

Absolutely not. You have a choice whether to be in the circus or immediately hit the exit. Why should you stand for someone blocking the exit and making you spend more time in the circus! It’s his circus. It’s the wife’s circus. But it’s not your circus and you have zero obligation to be a performer if it was a case where you genuinely didn’t know. You can be as sorry as you like for the wife but you don’t owe her anything or have any obligation whatsoever. Anyone who thinks you do have such an obligation is misguided.

SideBob · 13/05/2023 12:46

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 11:41

And clearly it is your shitshow, you were part of it whether you were aware or not

Absolutely not. You have a choice whether to be in the circus or immediately hit the exit. Why should you stand for someone blocking the exit and making you spend more time in the circus! It’s his circus. It’s the wife’s circus. But it’s not your circus and you have zero obligation to be a performer if it was a case where you genuinely didn’t know. You can be as sorry as you like for the wife but you don’t owe her anything or have any obligation whatsoever. Anyone who thinks you do have such an obligation is misguided.

There's a difference between trying not to be involved - understandable - although you already are involved... and getting irritated at someone who wants to speak to you about the affair.

My initial point was the unnecessary hostility which you said you said you'd do (short shrift). How can you give someone short shrift when you engaged with their partner?

I mean, there's lots of things we're not obligated to do. You don't have to hold a door open for anyone but letting it slam in their face is still rude.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/05/2023 12:48

She’s irrelevant. The problem is your husband. You have to decide whether you can ever trust him again.

Gigglemous · 13/05/2023 13:09

So he's lied to you both.
Which means he managed to convince one woman he was a loyal husband and another a loyal bf at the same time..
Sorry, why do you want to reconcile with him?! You seriously think this is the best you can do? Stay with an out and out liar who has zero respect for women?
Please leave this man. You deserve so much better!

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/05/2023 13:14

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2023 11:41

And clearly it is your shitshow, you were part of it whether you were aware or not

Absolutely not. You have a choice whether to be in the circus or immediately hit the exit. Why should you stand for someone blocking the exit and making you spend more time in the circus! It’s his circus. It’s the wife’s circus. But it’s not your circus and you have zero obligation to be a performer if it was a case where you genuinely didn’t know. You can be as sorry as you like for the wife but you don’t owe her anything or have any obligation whatsoever. Anyone who thinks you do have such an obligation is misguided.

You’d better hope you don’t end up a Wife in a circus one day.

Treat people how you would like to be treated. Maybe you already do.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 13/05/2023 13:17

I didn’t confront the other women and to this day so wish I wish I did.
Its nearly a decade ago and I still occasionally think of the situation (usually when blow drying my hair.)
I have things I wished I’d asked and said.
Be prepared for tough answers if you choose to confront her. It properly will make it worse and more realistic. The other woman in my case was much older than me and not as attractive (sorry but it’s true - I was surprised!) I’ve seen in her in the flesh many times but always kept a dignified silence. They only lasted a few months after I got rid of him. The one thing I want to ask is was it worth ruining two long term marriages and potentially six children’s’ lives? She is alone and old now. What a shame!

WandaWonder · 13/05/2023 13:19

If you can't trust him you will never be able too, it is up to him not her

OhComeOnFFS · 13/05/2023 13:26

I think what he's admitted to would be enough for me. I wouldn't want to hear any details from her.

TheKobayashiMaru · 13/05/2023 14:35

SoonToBeinSpotlight · 13/05/2023 07:19

Again, really don't understand the lack of compassion... no you don't want to get pulled into drama, but being unwilling to have one conversation, simply to tell the truth, with someone in distress, shock, who is being deceived? I don't get it.

Show quote history

To be fair the OW can often get all the anger focused on her. She 'lured him away', 'seduced him', 'must have known he was married' etc. Rather than focus on the cheater in her own home, the wife can fixate on the OW and forgive her DH as if he was almost blameless.