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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confront the Other Woman?

103 replies

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 18:25

Hi. Looking for some advice. I discovered my husbands affair a few weeks back.

I'm still not convinced that he's being honest about the extent of the affair (ie says they didn't have sex) or how many times they met up. I believe he didn't have sex with her however I think they went further then he's told me and they've met up more times than he's said.

In order for me to be able to consider reconciling I need to know that I have the truth about the extent of the affair. I don't want explicit details but otherwise I'll continue to drive myself crazy with questions about times he went out / worked late etx.

He won't give me these answers so the only other way I can find out is by contacting her. I've read loads of people say that there's no point as she'll lie just as much however in this situation, she doesn't know that he was married. He just suddenly cut contact with her when I found out.

Anyone been in this situation (ie other woman had no idea he was married) and regretted contacting her or glad they did?

TYSM in advance.

OP posts:

letthatmango · 12/05/2023 19:57

If he is refusing to answer your questions and you suspect still lying then there is no remorse and he is absolutely NOT reconciliation material. He’ll continue to be an unsafe partner. That is sadly the bottom line.

I’m so sorry.

Isheabastard · 12/05/2023 19:57

I agree only contact her if you want more reason to leave.

You say he won’t give you answers. I think you should read that as he knows he’ll make things worse for himself if he tells the truth. He may think he can’t fool you if he lies, so no answers from him really is an answer.

If she refuses to talk to you, you still won’t know the truth, but will probably conclude that if she had nothing to hide she would be happy to talk.

Ifshe says nothing happened, then you still won’t know if she’s telling the truth.
She may worry you will tell her family.

If she tells you that everything happened, then you’d probably decide there’s no reconciliation.

Either way he should be moving heaven and earth to make you stay.

Original poster

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 19:57

Houseupdate · 12/05/2023 18:54

He has had an affair and understandably you don’t trust him. Either she says he is telling the truth and then you have to decide if you believe her, would you? or she says something different and then what do you do? Or she doesn’t want to talk to you.

Why would she lie? He's cut all ties with her (I know he has) so they haven't spoken since I found out. He doesn't want her to find out he's married as it will mess things up for him at work. Hence if I ask her for details she can only tell me the truth. He wouldn't have contacted her to match stories as that would involve telling her he's married. So she either tells me the truth or she doesn't reply

OP posts:

Takeitonthechin · 12/05/2023 19:58

If she didn't know he was married he must've been available on weekends to see her, take her out etc.... she knew he was married.

Whatever you ask him, you're not going to get the full truth. Have you asked him why he had an affair in the first place?

heartbroken40 · 12/05/2023 20:01

I wouldn't reply (well I wouldn't have an affair to start with but that's another story). Imagine this woman contacts you and you don't know who she is and what she wants.if I were you I would simply leave him. An emotional affair is worse than a sexual affair in my opinion

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 12/05/2023 20:01

Contact her ask her for her side

But I wouldn't continue with the marriage whatever she said.

quietheart · 12/05/2023 20:02

Why would you want to reconcile with a man who is still lying to you?

What if she backs him up and they both keep on lying and have an affair?

What if she tells you they had sex, what if she is lying, who will you believe?

If you would believe the OW before your DP what is the point in reconciliation?

Your DH needs to do the work here not you.

hellosunshine8 · 12/05/2023 20:03

She might lie because she will be a woman scorned. Sounds like he ghosted her. She'll figure out in no time who you are and she will want to make life difficult for him. She won't care about you.

Neverhot · 12/05/2023 20:07

She would lie if she was hoping to get back with him.
In my case my ex had an affair and when it all came out and she realised he had in fact still been having sex with me, she gave me all the details and sent every single message over that she could. She relished in it.

ChristmasFluff · 12/05/2023 20:10

He is not reconciliation material:

https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse? - ChumpLady.com

So you’ve been chumped and you’re trying to decide if your cheater is truly sorry. Is it real remorse? Or is it genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse (GINR)? You know, sort of looks like the real thing, but upon closer inspection is a cheap fake. Here’s...

https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse

TeenLifeMum · 12/05/2023 20:10

They met a number of times but never had sex? I would find that hard to believe they made all the effort to go behind your back for a chat and a kiss.

i would contact ow out of curiosity (because I have no restraint) but remember she might want you to split so she can get her man. If you do make contact, stay calm and keep the high ground - she’s unimportant so don’t make her feel otherwise.

Minimalme · 12/05/2023 20:16

Well, you definitively know he's lied, you just don't know who too.

Either he lied to AP and led her to believe he was single. Or he's lied to you because he wants her to be 'blameless' and thinks it reduces the chance of you contacting her.

He hid an affair from you once. He can and probably will again. It is unlikely the affair has stopped.

tuvamoodyson · 12/05/2023 20:22

They definitely had sex.

Starlitestarbright · 12/05/2023 20:29

People don't have affairs to kiss and cuddle op your being naive. They have sex if they meet up regularly, he's lying to you.

Houseupdate · 12/05/2023 20:36

Dubaigirl211 · 12/05/2023 19:57

Show quote history

To make herself look better or to support his stories and keep him happy.

She didn’t know he was married? So he lied to you and her?

NalafromtheLionKing · 12/05/2023 20:48

Bonbon21 · 12/05/2023 19:05

He has lied. He has been unfaithful.. whether it was physically almost doesnt matter.. the intention was there.
One chance and he failed.
Not good enough for me.
He would be gone.
If I am not number one in his life he is not in mine.

Yep. Why would you waste the rest of your life with someone who would do this so you really can’t trust to ever be there for you?

He will always look out for himself.

Booklover40 · 12/05/2023 20:59

He's cut all ties with her (I know he has)

What does that even mean? Did he make a big show of deleting her number from his phone/social media in front of you OP? It doesn't mean Jack shit.

He's a liar, he's been sneaking around behind your back- why from this point would you believe anything he says? He's going to tell you what you want to hear because he wants to carry on having his cake and eating it.

I get you love him and want to believe him but honestly, he will just lie and lie and quote from "the script" atm.

Personally would probably contact the OW to hear if her version of events tally up with his and just for my own curiosity. I'd kick the bastard out whatever she says though.

orangegato · 12/05/2023 21:12

What makes you think she doesn’t know he’s married, his word? Lol.

He’ll still be in contact.

Fantina · 12/05/2023 21:14

So many of us on theses threads wish we’d taken the first opportunity to leave now we are older and wiser. Many of us didn’t and wasted many years on these waste of space men. I wish I knew what I’d be doing now if I’d gone the first time. They do not change.

FallHappy1 · 12/05/2023 21:17

Sorry you're going through this OP. I honestly wouldn't waste my time talking to the OW, it's not going to fix things.
My exdh had a short lived affair a year or so into our marriage with one of his old flames. He came clean about thw affair a few months after it ended purely because I was extremely suspicious he was/had been cheating and I think he knew it was only a matter of time before I figured it all out so he just confessed. He told me he'd ended the affair due to the immense guilt he was feeling.
I thought speaking to the OW would bring some closure, it was a very awkward conversation. Her version of events was identical to ex's. She also confirmed he had indeed been the one to end things between them.
It didn't fix my marriage. I tried to make it work, we were together for 4 years after the affair but I never trusted him and would continuously accuse him of having affairs, go through his phone, emails etc. It all really sad.

Riceball · 12/05/2023 21:22

Does he work with her? If so how are you ever going to put it behind you? Especially with him still being so cagey.

Bonbon21 · 12/05/2023 21:29

It really doesnt matter what she says. The relationship is between you and him. Either you accept what has happened, put it behind you and move forward together. Or you part.
She might tell the truth.... she might lie.. she might recite the alphabet... doesnt much matter..
You have to decide what you want... can you EVER trust him again? Or will you spend the rest of your life double-checking everything he says.. and wondering?

Mari9999 · 12/05/2023 21:45

Why not just tell yourself that he has cheated on you? He has said and done all of the things to her that he has said to you.. He has probably said some very hurtful and possibly untrue things about you. If he has any sense of decency about him, he won't want to discuss the intimate details of their relationship, and if you have any self respect you won't need to know. It is enough to know that he has cheated. He will not be more or less of a cheIater if he had sex only 1 time vs 10 times. Even if he is willing to or has ended the affair does not mean that it was not meaningful in some way to him. I think that most women want and need to believe that the affair was not meaningful , and I think that most men will say that it was not if they choose to try and keep the marriage together. Those are the lies that women need to hear and the lies that men will tell when trying to keep a marriage or relationship together.

Once you accept that cheating involves a whole range of activities, emotions, and experiences, you
either have to come to terms with the whole package or walk away.

Anything else is unfair to the both of you, and the constant reliving and asking for details nd comparisons won't give you closure or understanding. It will only subject the both of you to death by a thousand hurtful cuts

gotmychristmasmiracle · 12/05/2023 21:56

There is nothing to stop her lying to you also.

I spoke to my exh AP and it really didn't resolve much apart from me hating them both more, so was much easier to cut ties though.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 12/05/2023 22:02

I think you should contact the other woman.
From your posts it’s clear that you won’t leave him based on the information you currently have so I think you might as well try & get more info.

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