OP
Don't know if this helps but this man's advice is generally excellent.
(The Lizard is our reptilian brain.)
"We betrayed spouses (“BS”) are told all the time…once amends are made, remorse is shown and the wayward spouse is offering transparency and truly wants to work with you to rebuild the marriage, then you (meaning the BS) must now move past it…and move forward"
I hear this advice a lot, and think it doesn’t go deep enough. I think it probably brings up more trouble than it solves. The fun part is to look at how to understand and then deal with affairs from the point of view of the Lizards involved. I will track both. You might call this a Lizard view of Affairs.
Affaired – against Partner
As I see it, in an Affaired-against partner, whom you-all call the BS or Betrayed Spouse or some such terms, their Lizard will start to freak, beginning at the moment of the “discovery.” Lots of stumbling around panic behavior will happen. Lots of Fleeing, Freezing, Submitting, and Fighting. Twill be pretty chaotic for a bit – maybe weeks. But eventually I think two healthy processes will emerge.
In this Affaired-against partner, their image of their past months, maybe of the past years, has been shattered. They know that. Their trust in their partner is gone, and I believe trust perhaps will return solidly in 3 to 5 years, and then only if their partner displays significant change.
Apologies won’t work. While the Affaired-against partner can generously, and perhaps virtuously “forgive,” at best that is a shallow event. Their lizard cannot forget, won’t believe the apology, and will start to plan for the future based on what it now knows. Twill sound something like, “Omigod, I just forgave a, perhaps well intentioned, apologizing liar. What the hell am I doing!”
This first process then will be about the profound shock (Lizard hates shocks). This situation is a betrayal (big surprises) at the Lizard level, all about discovering your partner lying (how much?) or withholding data (how much?). It doesn’t take an affair to kick this process off. Could be many things. That knowledge that your partner can and has lied will never be forgotten. I don’t think it wise to forget it.
I also think this process is wonderful. I think it is earned. It is a huge wake-up call to what I call “blind living”, living out of contact, living in fantasies. Tis about growing up. Hopefully the shock is big enough to truly wake up the Affaired-against partner and never let them go back into dreams-ville.
Once you’ve found your partner has lied or withheld, how do you go about “forgetting” that they have this capacity? Your lizard can’t forget. A Lizardy rule of thumb is, “If you aren’t hearing daily from your partner about the details of their inner world, you are probably heading for trouble.” This is big grown-up stuff.
The second process that kicks off I think emerges from the first. The Affaired-against partner’s Lizard wants to re-establish safety – to have Predictive Information (it just got a big surprise) and a Sense of Control (it just got, “what the hell is going on”, often called Chaos), thus it goes to work. (Lizards never gives up, bless ’em.)
It wants to know how it got to be so surprised. It wants to know how it missed knowing what was going on in their partner. And now it wants to know all about what was/is going on in their partner that made their partner’s behavior (the affair?) logical and predictable. And finally it wants to know why friends didn’t clue them in. In general the Lizard wants to see the “sense” in it all, so as to be able in the future to predict and prevent stuff like this. Tis all about a scared Lizard building safety.
This process will probably involve needing to build terrific communication skills in order to a) overcome whatever foolish communication failures led to the partner’s withholding and b) to facilitate the process of getting and assimilating all this data – past, present, future.
Often this second process starts by lots and lots of questions (always a risky communication tool) directed at the other. “Why did you do that?” “How could you do that?” etc. etc. etc. etc.
Even if the Affairing partner shares all at once (which is extremely unlikely), I fear that will not be enough. The Lizard has lost trust in both the Affairing Partner and it has also lost trust in its host body/mind. It will feel betrayed by both: by the partner and by you – yourself. “I should have known? Why didn’t I see it coming? Why was I so blind?” are questions that beg answers that one cannot get from the Affairing partner.
The Lizardy processes in this Affiared-against partner will reach its conclusion over time, when their Lizard notices that the affairing partner has become, in a significant way, a new person, – such a person to whom an affair makes no sense. This new state includes knowing pretty much what led their partner to the affair and how their partner has since changed their world view. This is certainly not a cosmetic change. Its big. Also necessary is a sense of confidence in the Lizard that its host is no longer blind. That means changes too. And fortunately all for the good.
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