Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“Fat chicks are easy” discussion at work

119 replies

Jennyven · 12/05/2023 17:54

So I work in male industry (IT) and today we were chatting about dating. I’m a bigger woman (size 18) and I’ve been trying to
lose weight but at the same time I don’t want to stop dating and don’t think I’m unattractive . However, my colleagues started chatting and they basically told me they would date bigger woman only if they want to have sex (in encouragement to lose weight - we are supporting each other and are very friendly). Apparently because they have lower self esteem and is easier to
play them. One of married colleagues basically said that if he would ever want to cheat only with big woman because they have lower standards and it would be easier keeping them quiet. I was upset, but also thought to myself that it’s probably partially true as I was the other woman few times (unwillingly and found out later and stopped immediately). I also have a tendency to get validation through sex. I also recently saw advert for bumble on Instagram of bigger lady and fit guy and thought to myself “wow they look happy”, but omg the comments from men were vile! Anyone’s thoughts? It really got me down today - so men really despite bigger women? I’m very athletic and just finished half marathon month ago, but I’m big

OP posts:
Fmlgirl · 12/05/2023 21:59

I say this as someone who works in a technical job too but some of the most unattractive men in my company work in the IT department.

maybe It makes them feel better about themselves to put other people down. They sound like vile misogynists.

Maverickess · 12/05/2023 22:17

Yes, unfortunately ime men do think that way, I've had my fair share of "You should be grateful" when as an overweight woman I have the temerity to refuse their advances - not my colleagues (they wouldn't dare, I'm old as well as fat and a bit scary these days I'm told because I didn't take any shit any more) but pissed male customers and of course, I'm then rude and have no sense of humour because they were "only joking anyway" 🙄.

What I find more worrying though is that you seem to think this type of conversation is acceptable? It's not. They have showed an utter lack of respect for you with this conversation. I can understand why you think it's encouraging to you to lose weight - but that's not their intention, their intention is to put you in your place. They believe the only reason you want to lose weight is to be more attractive to men - because clearly they believe that that is all women exist for. And you were involved in that conversation.

I think rather than report or confront, because I can understand how difficult that might be, if the situation arises again I'd be telling them that I am losing weight for health reasons, because it's better for me and nothing to do with appearance because my sole purpose in life isn't to be attractive to the opposite sex, and then shut the conversation down.

OneFrenchEgg · 13/05/2023 07:25

As I said before I disagree it's an EA issue - they were talking about fat women, disgusting as the conversation was, not women generally and not about something woman are more likely to be. I don't see how being fat is a protected characteristic and I wouldn't be reporting a conversation I continued with, if I hadn't made attempts to stop it.
Mainly because reporting to HR invites all kinds of stress that I wouldn't want to face unless very clear cut.

SallyWD · 13/05/2023 07:34

CountMushroom · 12/05/2023 17:58

Sorry, I can’t get past the fact that your male colleagues were, in front of you, having a lengthy discussion about fat women being ‘easy’ and grateful for sex, and that you view this as ‘friendly’ encouragement to lose weight!!! Seriously, OP, you’re worth more than this. Did you say anything???

This

Buildingthefuture · 13/05/2023 07:36

They sound fucking vile! Whether I was 8 stone or 28 stone I wouldn’t go anywhere NEAR these rancid specimens. What they have utterly failed to grasp is that, for a lot of women, looks aren’t the biggest thing. Women care far more about what’s on the inside. And these fuckers are rotten to the core.

VashtaNerada · 13/05/2023 07:37

What absolute nonsense. I’m fat and I don’t have low self esteem, and I wouldn’t take any shit from men like that. Women can have high or low self esteem for a multitude of reasons. We also have the right to have as much or as little sex as we want; enjoying sex doesn’t make someone ‘easy’ it’s just what that person wants to do. What a bunch of fucking losers.

YRGAM · 13/05/2023 07:42

I'm sorry you had to experience this. For what it's worth these attitudes are becoming rarer. I'm a man and I haven't heard any man in front of me, in any situation, say anything like this since I was about 18. It looks like you struck unlucky to have to work with a pack of misogynistic teenagers

PermanentTemporary · 13/05/2023 07:45

Well at least you know not to date any of those wankers. Or ever to discuss dating, sex or love with them. They're fools.

BTW, you ran a MARATHON? Fucking hell.

FrancescaContini · 13/05/2023 07:46

You have vile colleagues.

Fizzadora · 13/05/2023 07:58

What I am shocked by is how many of you are shocked by this.
This is how men think and the OP's colleagues are actually being honest about it.
Most men these days manage to keep their thoughts to themselves in public and especially in front of women, but in reality this is how they think.
It is sort of the equivalent of women not wanting to date short men though isn't it?
It's just human nature.

KCIII · 13/05/2023 08:07

So are all these men in great shape?

I’ve worked with a lot of men and have to say this sort of ‘chat’ is not my experience at all.

What’s really pathetic is men not shaming other men who come out with this shit. That’s when you know you’ve got a good colleague/partner as they’d shut that down straight away.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 13/05/2023 08:07

Fizzadora There are billions of men in this world and quite a few prefer women on the larger side. I worked with one. He was engaged to my colleague who was a very large woman, it didn't work out and several years later he married another very large woman. He was a large man too. He just found overweight women attractive. There were quite a few overweight women where I worked, they were all in long term relationships or married. Implying all men find all overweight women unattractive is just not the case.

And I think being 'easy' is more a case of lack of self esteem, not understanding boundaries well, and looking for love and affection in the wrong way. That can effect women of all sizes.

FoxCorner · 13/05/2023 08:10

I also recently saw advert for bumble on Instagram of bigger lady and fit guy and thought to myself “wow they look happy”, but omg the comments from men were vile!
Social media is one of the things that made me realise that the idea that women are bitchy and men aren't is just sexism. Men can be vile, but we don't label it as bitchiness. Only if a woman is nasty.

FatAgain · 13/05/2023 08:11

It’s sad that you view them as friendly and supportive people OP. Your body is a mere vehicle for your personality and your soul, nothing more.

I’ve been fat many times and never viewed myself as anything but fabulous and I think it shows.

I can see why you didn’t challenge them on it at the time but I’d not be letting them get away with comments like that which were designed to put you down.

MissingMoominMamma · 13/05/2023 08:13

Have any of them run a marathon??

Why the fuck do they think it’s acceptable to speak like this in front of/to you?

Ugh.

Onehappymam · 13/05/2023 08:23

Be proud of what your body can do, not the number on your clothes.

Running a half marathon is amazing!

Once upon a time I would have been devastated if I heard a comment like that, but now I get angry! They are inferior morons and I enjoy tearing them to shreds.

Onehappymam · 13/05/2023 08:25

I’ve been fat many times and never viewed myself as anything but fabulous and I think it shows.

Love this!

ferntwist · 13/05/2023 08:28

Poor you having to listen to this. You sound lovely. Good luck with your healthy eating and finding a decent bloke. (Some) Men are trash!

SaulSobieski · 13/05/2023 08:31

I read shit like that by men on a male dominated forum I used to frequent all the time.

The other group they claimed was easy and grateful was single mothers.

There's a type of man who thinks like that and they're generally scumbag bastards. Unfortunately you're working with scumbag bastards. I wouldn't participate in convos with them like theyre alright people, they're not.

Fact is plenty of non skinny women get partners - men have different tastes.

I've been slated (yes verbally/publicly) by two men with non skinny wives for "she doesn't gave a pick on her!!" and told to "eat something!!!" by the 2nd when needing help pulling a dinghy on a heavy metal trolley up sand on a slope. I've been ridiculed for having small boob (not uncommon when you're skinny) etc etc. A certain type of man will criticise and ridicule no matter what.

They don't like it back though ... They can't take it back though, I've noticed that

Just ignore them, they're wankers.

And people who look for perceived vulnerabilities in others to take advantage of are predators and have no self respect or decency.

SaulSobieski · 13/05/2023 08:32

*she doesn't have a pick on her
*boobs

OneFrenchEgg · 13/05/2023 08:33

Fizzadora · 13/05/2023 07:58

What I am shocked by is how many of you are shocked by this.
This is how men think and the OP's colleagues are actually being honest about it.
Most men these days manage to keep their thoughts to themselves in public and especially in front of women, but in reality this is how they think.
It is sort of the equivalent of women not wanting to date short men though isn't it?
It's just human nature.

I'm not shocked by it, I'm surprised that they let their guard down to that extent. Casual comments from various men throughout my life have revealed what they think of women generally.
Comments on passing women who they deem too fat for their crop top, comments about being lucky, calling me 'darling' to put me in my place - the majority of men I've worked with, met through friends, dated.

OneFrenchEgg · 13/05/2023 08:35

• "Women fail to understand how much men hate them."

• "All men hate some women some of the time and some men hate all women all of the time."

Germaine G

ImAvingOops · 13/05/2023 08:37

I don't think the OP can report to HR when this is a conversation she participated in and encouraged them to have, freely and in her presence. While they are absolutely nuts to speak like this at work, this is what they actually think and it's useful to know that sometimes. Reporting to HR doesn't change how they think, only the veneer put on top at work. Personally I'd rather know who they really are.

The world is very anti fat and the OP will find if she loses weight that people treat her differently - I've been both and the difference csn be stark.

Redebs · 13/05/2023 08:42

Two separate issues:

  1. Their behaviour is totally unacceptable in any workplace
  1. You have some worries about your weight

These are in no way connected. Misogynist negging is a way to diminish and control women. It's about making these creeps feel like big important men. It has nothing to do with your weight. Don't let them knock your confidence. Any man who talks like this is a pathetic, inadequate person.

Take it to HR. Your issue is how they talk about women, not anything about your size.

AzureBlue99 · 13/05/2023 08:43

This is such a weird discussion to be having at work. The fact that you were participating in what was a highly misogynistic conversation, with you the butt of the insults, calls into question your self esteem. You need to work on your boundaries. I know people are telling you to report this to HR. I wouldn't because you were participating in it. But you need to shut down this type of conversation in the future. They are not your friends, keep your private life to yourself. If they do raise it again tell them you were very hurt by their comments previously and have no wish to revisit the subject.

Do I think men think like this? Some men will do, because quite a lot of them are idiots. However there will be others who want a relationship with someone they connect with. If you are losing weight, do it for yourself, not because it increases your chances to find a man.

It's awful the way you were hurt by these Neanderthals. I bet they are no oil paintings themselves. But this is not an acceptable conversation for the workplace and you should do your part in stopping this type of conversation taking place by shutting it down.