Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“Fat chicks are easy” discussion at work

119 replies

Jennyven · 12/05/2023 17:54

So I work in male industry (IT) and today we were chatting about dating. I’m a bigger woman (size 18) and I’ve been trying to
lose weight but at the same time I don’t want to stop dating and don’t think I’m unattractive . However, my colleagues started chatting and they basically told me they would date bigger woman only if they want to have sex (in encouragement to lose weight - we are supporting each other and are very friendly). Apparently because they have lower self esteem and is easier to
play them. One of married colleagues basically said that if he would ever want to cheat only with big woman because they have lower standards and it would be easier keeping them quiet. I was upset, but also thought to myself that it’s probably partially true as I was the other woman few times (unwillingly and found out later and stopped immediately). I also have a tendency to get validation through sex. I also recently saw advert for bumble on Instagram of bigger lady and fit guy and thought to myself “wow they look happy”, but omg the comments from men were vile! Anyone’s thoughts? It really got me down today - so men really despite bigger women? I’m very athletic and just finished half marathon month ago, but I’m big

OP posts:
TallerThanAverage · 12/05/2023 19:34

Why on earth are you participating in this conversation you should be challenging it as soon as the toplc arose.

Doobydoo · 12/05/2023 19:40

Wow OP..just wow! Unbelievable.

Isheabastard · 12/05/2023 19:42

Men, they never fail to disappoint

EarthSight · 12/05/2023 19:48

Fandabedodgy · 12/05/2023 18:00

Straight to HR to report them

This is completely inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour in any workplace today.

This is not realistic. Have you ever actually done this yourself? Even if someone else reported then, there were only a few people in that conversation, and they would highly suspect it was O.P. She needs to be ready as to how that might affect her work life.

Zenana · 12/05/2023 19:57

That this kind of thing happens in the workplace in 2023 horrifies me. It's not Life on Mars.

Nobsandnockers · 12/05/2023 20:03

I suspect you were encouraged to consider the conversation helpful to encourage to lose weight and it might be difficult to report now. If I were you I would say something to them about how disappointing it was to hear them speak about women like that- the lack of respect, the speaking in front of you like you should be grateful for their ‘pearls of wisdom’. Tell them you had hoped they were better than that in 2023.

Every timeI come on MN and read a thread like this I thank fuckity fuck I am married.

LooseFit · 12/05/2023 20:03

Urgh. Horrible conversation. I can’t believe they felt it was in any way appropriate to talk like this full stop, let alone at work and to a woman.

Creeps. I bet none of them are lookers either. Men are always blind to their own unattractiveness.

LooseFit · 12/05/2023 20:04

(Not that being good looking would’ve excused their misogynistic bile)

Heartsnrainbows · 12/05/2023 20:06

I think I'd just reply 'I've got a fat arse, you've got a tiny dick, he's got a tiny brain, we've all got problems...'

OneFrenchEgg · 12/05/2023 20:06

I think you should have shut the conversation down rather than participate. Now you know what they think don't discuss dating with them.
Reporting to HR is a fucking hand grenade, do you want to put yourself through it? You don't (from your post) have a protected characteristic that was being attacked and would make reporting easier.

AllegraWalterJones · 12/05/2023 20:07

OK we all know the discussion is disgusting, blah2 but to answer the actual question.
Nope.
So many women get cheated on etc regardless of what they look like.

theblackradiator · 12/05/2023 20:15

I remember hearing a group of men in our local pub talking like this around 25 years ago can't believe men still think it's acceptable to speak like this in 2023. Men can be vile sometimes.

SimonsCow · 12/05/2023 20:21

they Are being honest though and giving you insight into the way many male brains work. Ridiculous to say go to HR about it. It’s the way it works, sad but true. I’ve been there (fat girl with no self esteem) and been the skinny girl who found it easy to get a date.

Susieb2023 · 12/05/2023 20:26

I’d report this forward. Entirely unacceptable in the work place.

5128gap · 12/05/2023 20:47

SimonsCow · 12/05/2023 20:21

they Are being honest though and giving you insight into the way many male brains work. Ridiculous to say go to HR about it. It’s the way it works, sad but true. I’ve been there (fat girl with no self esteem) and been the skinny girl who found it easy to get a date.

How do you explain why all the OW women in the world aren't either single or being used for sex then?

Carla224 · 12/05/2023 20:50

Our beauty standards would suggest that those who don't fit within a certain mold would grow up with lower self-esteem. Having lower self-esteem is a risk factor for engaging in unhealthy relationships.

This itself isn't shocking. Men talking about deliberately finding a girl with lower self-esteen so they can mess with her - is shocking.

ehb102 · 12/05/2023 21:06

There are two kinds of men out there. One kind think that women are people, they seek to make a connection with a woman and have excellent sex together. The other kind doesn't really think women are people but rather an object, or possibly a kind of pet. They seek to conquer like levelling up in a video game. You want to avoid those.

Being fat is a really good filter. You can spot the second kind really easily.

evuscha · 12/05/2023 21:14

Not to get into stereotypes but I have known many guys in IT talk like that about women, and they were never exactly male models…
No seriously it’s pretty disgusting.

JaffaCake70 · 12/05/2023 21:19

Fandabedodgy · 12/05/2023 18:00

Straight to HR to report them

This is completely inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour in any workplace today.

This 100%

Completely and utterly unacceptable.

CountMushroom · 12/05/2023 21:25

SimonsCow · 12/05/2023 20:21

they Are being honest though and giving you insight into the way many male brains work. Ridiculous to say go to HR about it. It’s the way it works, sad but true. I’ve been there (fat girl with no self esteem) and been the skinny girl who found it easy to get a date.

Why on earth would it be ridiculous to report discriminatory, sexist, unprofessional workplace behaviour?

peanutbutter00 · 12/05/2023 21:33

That is disgusting, I hate the term 'easy' in regards to sleeping with someone. As though women are commodities to 'get' or 'achieve'. That kind of language tells me everything I need to know about someone - that they don't see women as human beings and therefore don't respect them

GabrielleLegs · 12/05/2023 21:33

According to the UK government's latest figures two thirds of adults in the Uk are overweight and men are more likely than women to be so. That's a whole lot of overweight women and men out there who are in happy, loving relationships.

I wonder how many of your colleagues would like their wives to hear what they'd said?

You sound lovely, healthy, fit and clever so if I was you I'd ignore these sad, delusional and no doubt inadequate arseholes. Carry on doing what you want and enjoying life.

Chispazo · 12/05/2023 21:42

They said that in front of you? Assholes.

coxesorangepippin · 12/05/2023 21:46

Yes it's disgusting but unfortunately true.

Feliciacat · 12/05/2023 21:53

CountMushroom · 12/05/2023 21:25

Why on earth would it be ridiculous to report discriminatory, sexist, unprofessional workplace behaviour?

Show quote history

I agree totally with @CountMushroom. This is harassment of the OP as well as direct discrimination based on her sex (a protected characteristic). If she reports them and anyone turns on her; that’s victimisation! These things are all covered in the Equality Act 2010.

OP should be able to be supported by HR and those men could rightly end up in a disciplinary. If it doesn’t get resolved by HR or if she’s treated unfavourably for reporting it, she could take them to tribunal.

So, it’s not ridiculous to suggest reporting to HR at all.