Earning more than your DH

[AuntieN]

My marriage is probably on the rocks already for other reasons, but wanted to know if anyone else has had to navigate this issue. I’ve recently had a bit of luck and my career has accelerated and I now earn about double what DH earns. For a long time he earned a lot more than me and has other benefits which I didn’t / don’t have. My base salary seems to have really upset him although he says well done through gritted teeth. I think this is basic jealousy that he feels as though he is being left behind. Has anyone else had this issue and how did you handle it? I refuse to feel bad about success and see it as something we both benefit from. I’ve always said to him it isn’t a reflection of competence between him and me, just a reflection of the fact that I work in a better paid industry. By the way, I’m not earning the mythical MN “high earner” type figures (I wish!) I just happen to be the higher earner if you see what I mean.

Your DH is being so unreasonable. He should be proud of you, and happy that the family overall has more money.

I've always earned more than my DH (like you, not a high earner, he is just in a very underpaid industry). He literally does not care. We are a team. That's how it should be. I just mention because someone will surely come along and say all men are like your DH but it's not true.

Do you think his attitude is because of all the other problems you're having? i.e. if you were happier in general, would it bother him less? Because it's possible there is no solution to this specific issue, it's just a symptom of the relationship being in trouble anyway.

It is good to hear that your DH is unbothered by this kind of thing. I think my career success is one of the causes of our problems. I almost didn't tell him about the latest promotion. Work for him is not good, he doesn't enjoy it but won't change jobs. He feels overlooked and my recent success just highlights it more. I have offered repeatedly to support him to do something else but he won't. He seems to have become very old fashioned in his outlook about men looking after their wives... he wasn't always like this... but then I didn't earn more than him...

Him being bothered seems to come from jealous or, unfortunately, deep rooted misogyny in society. DH and I have both earned more and less than each other over the years, we’re always happy for each other and share money anyway so it benefits our family

This is a him problem not a you problem.

I have out-earned every partner I have had (with one exception where he was born rich). All my relationships I’ve been the high earner. It’s only a problem if you’re with a thin skinned misogynist.

My ex husband hated the fact that I earned twice what he did and constantly tried to make sure I was too busy with childcare to advance at work (he didn’t succeed, we got divorced).

I out earn current partner by a factor of three to one and couldn’t care less.

You don’t need to apologise for being good at your job. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not worthy of you.

I had this issue with ex-husband. We were in the same profession, met at work when I was 25 and he a few years older. He earned more than me to begin with of course, but over the time we were together I eventually caught up and then overtook. He took it really badly!

He was a workaholic, brought up with very traditional expectations of a man's role, whereas I definitely was not. He was very peeved that I got to where I was and I'm sure he thought I didn't deserve it. I never once got a heart-felt congratulations when I got a promotion or new job, and it got to the point where I didn't tell him about successes as I knew he'd take it badly.

We spit up after 10 years, and this was probably a good example of why I was so unhappy for so long.

My now lovely husband earns a sixth of what I do, (but does a job that's far more important for society!), and he is nothing but very proud of me and very happy the he can work part time 😁

Men that are bitter and jealous of their wives are really not good to be around.

Ugh, I can’t stand insecure men like this, who can only feel good about themselves if they have a woman living as second class (earning less, being his skivvy etc) for him to measure himself against. It’s truly pathetic. Sorry you’re with sucha twat OP, but congrats on the pay rises :)

I earn more than my dh and could take more dividends out of company if I wanted. He earned more than me up until about 4 years ago. We've always had separate finances. We've minimal outgoings as no mortgage. I pay for more day to day things which makes out family life nicer so dh is happy!

I earn about £15k more than my dh and at various parts of our careers earnt almost double.

But it doesn't actually matter to us. Money is our money. We met when we didn't have a penny and he supported me when I finished Uni and had no money and lots of loans. In fact he actually helped me pay off my loans sooner so we could get rid of them.
We have separate finances but it really doesn't matter whose account the bill or income sits in, it's all shared and if one of us needs some cash the other transfers it over. Infact it's only this week I have just set up a joint account for us, and we have been married for 20 yrs

I don't think I could stay with a man who had an issue with my salary as this would for me personally be a reflection on his views of women

As long as money is all shared, or you’re paying your way in proportion to earnings then he shouldn’t have an issue.

This is his problem. My DM earned more than my DF, I earn more than my DH, it's not a new issue.

However when I was dating, a lot of men heard what I did for a living, realised I out earned them and couldn't run away fast enough.

It's no reflection on him as a man that he earns less but it is that he dwells on it and has a job he is unhappy in.

He needs to get over it

we have been together over 20 years, over that time one or other of us has always earned considerably more than the other - it has switched a number of times - neither of us care, it all goes into one pot - we are a team

I hope you sort it out x

@AuntieN - I could have written your post! Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom as am going through the same thing; rocky marriage and career acceleration over the last couple of years has resulted in me earning almost double my DH's salary.

My DH is also not having a good time at work, after being moved into a role he didn't want. He doesn't enjoy it but won't change jobs. He too feels overlooked and my success in getting my new role has highlighted it further, as he's envious that i know what i want to do whereas he really doesn't know what he wants to do next.

It's hard work but that said, I completely agree that you shouldn't feel bad and should be proud of what you have achieved.

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to hear other's thoughts and experiences.

@Lcb123 - I think you may be right about deep rooted misogyny. It's odd, he's incredibly supportive when work gets hard for me, shares housework evenly etc, but when something like a bonus or pay rise happens you can see it gets to him.

@Thepeopleversuswork - I liked your comment about him not being worthy... for many reasons you have hit the nail on the head.

@UnnamedPoster - we seem to have the same story... he was brought up in a traditional environment about a man's role and I was basically told to get out there and do my thing, no limits for girls and women. The only thing haven't done yet is divorce... I'm glad you are with someone so lovely now.

@Naunet - I'd never seen him as insecure until these last few months. It's a real problem and be as no need to feel that way. Ironically because he's good looking and I am not people think I punch well above my weight!

@lunaloveroo - that's how we are set up too. It seemed to wok ok until now.

@greenplants1 - I fear his views on women are coming out now and they are not what I thought they were.

@AnnaMagnani - I was shocked at your experience of men running when they realise you out earned them. The ego is very fragile isn't it? Frankly with life the way it is right now having a job and some money as a couple so you can keep a roof over your head and pay the bills seems like a priority rather than worrying about who earns what cash.

@PickledPurplePickle - that's they way I had hoped it would be. It isn't though. I hope to work it out too but I'm not sure we can.

20 years ago my DH was earning very good money while I was pottering about with part time jobs. We were a team. Now, due to unforeseen circumstances he's in a badly paid industry and I'm doing quite well. We're still a team. He's only sad that we can't afford for me to retire anytime soon.

Wow - it's almost the identical situation isn't it? I cannot understand why my DH won't change jobs. I've had a couple of absolute stinkers in terms of jobs and as soon as I realised they were no good for me I left for something better (not necessarily salary).

Just reading all the replies here... we are a group of women making our way in the world... just wanted to say well done us!

I earn more than DH; currently only a bit, for a few years quite a lot more. For a few years before that he earned more than me.

Its genuinely not been an issue.

@AnnaMagnani

Agree it is not a new problem. My DM earned more than my DDad and it was actually my DDad who encouraged me to work and be financially independent. I am with my DH because he is amazing and I love him and not because I am trapped financially.

Also it's interesting how many comments we get about how much he does around the house and how 'lucky' I am. But obviously I don't discuss our income with anyone else but no one ever says anything about me working full time with three children and every thing I juggle

Do you share the money, with a faulty pot, or could he feel like he has less spending money than you now?

I earn double DH's salary. It's never been a problem but he does sometimes joke about becoming a house husband!

Your not-so "D"H sounds insecure and jealous.

We have a joint account for bills, holidays, house stuff, and we both pay into it then everything else is separate - at his request. He has never complained about lack of spending money. Perhaps that's an issue though?

Insecure and jealous is about the size of it I think.

YABU to call it luck, don't do yourself down, you are where you are through hard work no doubt.

I earn twice what DP does (not in a big job either) but he's actually really proud of me. His job allows him to do the school pick up and he has a day off in the week to do the cleaning. Everyone is a winner!

I now earn more than DH because he has gone part time for childcare reasons to enable me to work full time. I have noticed a change in him with the double 'hit' of beconing the lesser earner and also the primary parent.
I think he's definitely become insecure and frequently mentions his future career ambitions. Most people have responded positively to him when they hear he has stepped down in his career to raise DD but I think there's definitely some deep rooted misogyny that he just can't shake off.

I earn double what my husband earns, he’s really proud and sees it as no reflection on him. Yours is a twat