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Original poster

Earning more than your DH

85 replies

AuntieN · 12/05/2023 14:48

My marriage is probably on the rocks already for other reasons, but wanted to know if anyone else has had to navigate this issue. I’ve recently had a bit of luck and my career has accelerated and I now earn about double what DH earns. For a long time he earned a lot more than me and has other benefits which I didn’t / don’t have. My base salary seems to have really upset him although he says well done through gritted teeth. I think this is basic jealousy that he feels as though he is being left behind. Has anyone else had this issue and how did you handle it? I refuse to feel bad about success and see it as something we both benefit from. I’ve always said to him it isn’t a reflection of competence between him and me, just a reflection of the fact that I work in a better paid industry. By the way, I’m not earning the mythical MN “high earner” type figures (I wish!) I just happen to be the higher earner if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 15/05/2023 16:49

monsteramunch · 15/05/2023 15:45

@FloydPepper

I just know that any woman choosing (freely? Under social pressure? Misguidedly?) to allow her partner to pay less than his fair share would get a pretty robust and clear response on here that she should not do that.

'Fair share' is completely subjective though, that's the issue I suppose.

And you specifically asked OP why she is personally 'comfortable' with her partner paying 50/50, despite the fact she has said this is what he has chosen. I would guess she's comfortable with it because it's what he is also comfortable with. And they are both adults.

I'm not sure what answer you expect her to give you unless you're being disingenuous and the 'question' was actually just you accusing her of being unfair to him?

It just felt like your way of saying OP is being unfair or unkind to him, which I can't see evidence of as she specifically said it's her partners choice to go 50/50 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was kind of prodding as it might be unfair, and I’m not 100% sure it’s a lower paying partners total free choice to pay more than they should, certainly a man in the op’s position would get challenged much harder on why they are doing this.

but yeah, I see she’s tried.

cannaecookrisotto · 15/05/2023 16:52

I currently earn x3 what DP does and he loves living the life of Riley, plus facilitates child care when I need to work away enabling my career. He gets rewarded with holidays and cars so happy enough 😂.

We don't pool finances but I do pay 2/3 of household bills so that it's fairer.

Original poster
AuntieN · 15/05/2023 18:05

@FloydPepper - keep in mind at the start of the relationship when we moved in together he was earning much more than me. We could each comfortably afford to pay 50/50 and we both considered that fair. We always said that if one us couldn't afford our 50% share we would re-visit but that never happened. For us it worked fine. Your mileage may vary. :)

OP posts:
TedMullins · 15/05/2023 18:44

FloydPepper · 15/05/2023 16:47

Fair enough. I’d be very uncomfortable not paying my share, and even when partners have wanted 50:50 I’ve refused. I wonder if he feels he should be paying due to the whole societal pressure on men to pay and provide.

id say 50:50 when you earned less though was also unfair so I guess what comes around goes around.

Show quote history

Well I disagree. But then I don’t subscribe to the idea that each partner MUST have equal spending money. My partner earns less but has said he’ll pay 50/50 when he moves in with me and I’m hardly going to argue when it’s better for me financially am I? I’ve also paid 50/50 in a previous partnership where I was the lower earner. In the current situation it means I sometimes have to pay for stuff upfront like holidays and he pays me back in instalments but when we both equally live in and use my flat I think it’s fair we shoulder equal costs for that.

FloydPepper · 15/05/2023 20:20

TedMullins · 15/05/2023 18:44

Well I disagree. But then I don’t subscribe to the idea that each partner MUST have equal spending money. My partner earns less but has said he’ll pay 50/50 when he moves in with me and I’m hardly going to argue when it’s better for me financially am I? I’ve also paid 50/50 in a previous partnership where I was the lower earner. In the current situation it means I sometimes have to pay for stuff upfront like holidays and he pays me back in instalments but when we both equally live in and use my flat I think it’s fair we shoulder equal costs for that.

Show quote history

Horses for courses. I know though that if I said my partner earned less but paid half of her a rough ride on here.

and morally I wouldn’t be comfortable not paying what I think is fair.

BeverlyHa · 15/05/2023 20:22

I actually like your husband.

HarrietStyles · 15/05/2023 20:30

AuntieN · 12/05/2023 16:44

We have a joint account for bills, holidays, house stuff, and we both pay into it then everything else is separate - at his request. He has never complained about lack of spending money. Perhaps that's an issue though?

Show quote history

Did he used to earn more than you, when he insisted on keeping separate finances (beside the joint bills account)? Could have been a selfish move, wrongly presuming that he would always earn more than you and put himself in a stronger position. Now he’s fuming that actually he has shot himself in the foot.

Resilience · 15/05/2023 20:39

My view is that your DH is absolutely being unreasonable but that doesn't necessarily mean he's being a misogynistic arse.

The world is full of people who say we'll done when secretly they feel jealous and hard done by in comparison. They say the right thing because they know they are being unreasonable but they can't help how they feel. When it's a partner, relative or good friend, that becomes harder to feign convincingly.

People who are genuinely happy with their own path don't feel like this. Your DH's lack of enthusiasm betrays the fact he feels life and opportunity are passing him by. It's him not you and he may actually really dislike himself for what he feels.

Unfortunately, the only solution is that he addresses his own life. If he can't/won't do that he genuinely doesn't deserve you.

TLDR version: jealousy actually fairly normal, but he still needs to get over himself.

Anyway, congratulations on doing so well! Flowers

Original poster
AuntieN · 16/05/2023 12:38

Resilience · 15/05/2023 20:39

My view is that your DH is absolutely being unreasonable but that doesn't necessarily mean he's being a misogynistic arse.

The world is full of people who say we'll done when secretly they feel jealous and hard done by in comparison. They say the right thing because they know they are being unreasonable but they can't help how they feel. When it's a partner, relative or good friend, that becomes harder to feign convincingly.

People who are genuinely happy with their own path don't feel like this. Your DH's lack of enthusiasm betrays the fact he feels life and opportunity are passing him by. It's him not you and he may actually really dislike himself for what he feels.

Unfortunately, the only solution is that he addresses his own life. If he can't/won't do that he genuinely doesn't deserve you.

TLDR version: jealousy actually fairly normal, but he still needs to get over himself.

Anyway, congratulations on doing so well! Flowers

I think a lot of what you say is very true in my case. I do think there is some underlying misogyny there but he doesn't see it. However I do think he is re-evaluating his own life and doesn't like where he ended up professionally. All of that was his choice though. He chose to focus on his sport and ended up representing his country. I'm not sure you can have both.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntieN · 16/05/2023 12:39

BeverlyHa · 15/05/2023 20:22

I actually like your husband.

Why?

OP posts:
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