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Original poster

Earning more than your DH

85 replies

AuntieN · 12/05/2023 14:48

My marriage is probably on the rocks already for other reasons, but wanted to know if anyone else has had to navigate this issue. I’ve recently had a bit of luck and my career has accelerated and I now earn about double what DH earns. For a long time he earned a lot more than me and has other benefits which I didn’t / don’t have. My base salary seems to have really upset him although he says well done through gritted teeth. I think this is basic jealousy that he feels as though he is being left behind. Has anyone else had this issue and how did you handle it? I refuse to feel bad about success and see it as something we both benefit from. I’ve always said to him it isn’t a reflection of competence between him and me, just a reflection of the fact that I work in a better paid industry. By the way, I’m not earning the mythical MN “high earner” type figures (I wish!) I just happen to be the higher earner if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

bouncydog · 12/05/2023 17:04

Married over 40 years and I’ve always been the higher earner and over the years the gap increased. Never been an issue - there is one pot! DH is able to do everything DIY wise apart from plumbing and electrics so has saved us a fortune in having to get somebody in to do stuff. He’s now retired and I’m continuing by choice so he does all the housework and cooking as well as I refused to continue to pay for a cleaner! You’re husband is an idiot and way out of touch! Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

aboutbloodytime123 · 12/05/2023 19:20

I got a big promotion fairly recently which makes me the high earner for the first time. DP has been really proud and supportive. He has a job which is less flexible than mine in many ways but he's still really helped me when I've had to work late/start early etc. That said, I've noticed that when we go out he still insists on paying for dinner/drinks, and although we have agreed that I will now pay for the bigger family treats like holidays, he's not very comfortable about it. Male ego!

ZoeyBartlett · 12/05/2023 20:01

Yep. When we met he had a more secure income than me as I was self employed. But over time, especially when I stopped being self-employed, my earnings dramatically overshadowed his. He didn't love his work so we agreed he could stop. He does all the house and life admin.

Money has always been ours not mine. We are a team.

B1rd · 12/05/2023 21:21

I think this has to do with how men were brought up. I'm 50 now and the majority of Mums that we had from my generation, stayed at home and were housewives. Men were educated that they needed to bring the money home for the family. Thankfully, due to many great changes, woman are now earning better wages than the men they are with. I think some men are struggling with the past education from their parents and the change in society. Some men change their views, but others struggle with this shift in society. I would like to think that when my DD gets out there to date, that this won't be an issue.

Reugny · 12/05/2023 21:30

Your husband is a misogynist.

One of my brothers' was very proud when his wife got her first promotion and out earned him, as he had been supporting her doing a degree.

In my family most women out earn their male spouse/partners. Bonus is that they all take fatherhood seriously also don't shy away from the domestic chores.

Riri24 · 12/05/2023 21:32

This is a him problem. He should be your number one supporter and should be proud of your achievements. I earn more than my husband currently, but he has eared more than me in past, neither of these situations has had any bearing on our relationship because we are equal partners. It sounds like he has some ingrained misogyny and some insecurity too. Have you asked raised it with him? What does he say?
Please don't let him make you feel bad, you deserve everything you have achieved.

Farmerking · 12/05/2023 21:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

smellysmellycat · 12/05/2023 22:14

Lillyrosemay · 12/05/2023 16:57

I earn double what my husband earns, he’s really proud and sees it as no reflection on him. Yours is a twat

Ditto. My DM was also the higher earner.

FloydPepper · 13/05/2023 01:12

AuntieN · 12/05/2023 16:44

We have a joint account for bills, holidays, house stuff, and we both pay into it then everything else is separate - at his request. He has never complained about lack of spending money. Perhaps that's an issue though?

Show quote history

Do you pay more as you earn more?

eurochick · 13/05/2023 01:20

B1rd · 12/05/2023 21:21

My husband and I are similar ages to you. We both had sahms. I have out earned him for 20 years and he has had no issue at all with it. Thinking men should earn more is misogyny - it's a view of what women are worth.

Youabsoluteblinder · 13/05/2023 03:08

@AuntieN - I don't know if this would ring true with your DH, but my DH admitted that when he started applying for internal jobs, he found the whole process depressing because he wasn't motivated (felt forced to apply due to HR pressure) and completing applications actually made him hate his current job even more!

He's been moved to another department temporarily and admits he's happy 'coasting' but seems annoyed with my ambition. He used to mock me for regularly applying for job roles, as it felt as though he thought I was wasting my time. When he started trying for himself, he realised that it's not as easy as he thought.

C1N1C · 13/05/2023 05:10

I'm the man in this situation, and I think it's great! Over the course of our marriage, our salaries have both increased, but at her peak, she was earning almost four times what I made. Now it's down to around 2-3x.

Our agreement is slightly different than others as I think you should be rewarded for your hard work, and a slip of paper shouldn't suddenly entitle you to someone else's accomplishments. I insisted that we have separate bank accounts and put money into a joint house account so all of her 'additional' earnings are hers... she earned them, so I'm not going to make any claim to them.

I'm proud of her. She's never made me feel 'small'. We're equal in the relationship and we make informed/discussed decisions together.

OP's husband needs to realise that they're in the relationship together, for the same purpose. One may be able to earn more, one may be able to lift more bricks... if they're building the same house, how your contribution ego is irrelevant.

subsxribed · 13/05/2023 05:25

Op - Do you mean when he earned more he had more and now you earn more you have more?

If so could it be another insecurity around when you earned less, despite a rocky marriage you may have stayed, but now you could up and leave and be ok financially if you really wanted to?

Original poster

AuntieN · 13/05/2023 15:36

JlL2013 · 12/05/2023 16:53

YABU to call it luck, don't do yourself down, you are where you are through hard work no doubt.

I earn twice what DP does (not in a big job either) but he's actually really proud of me. His job allows him to do the school pick up and he has a day off in the week to do the cleaning. Everyone is a winner!

Thanks for the vote of confidence - you are right... I worked bloomin' hard to get this promotion... sad DH doesn't see it that way...

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntieN · 13/05/2023 15:45

@user147283178789765 - I think there is definitely insecurity there and I suspect it is rooted in misogyny that he doesn't recognise.

@bouncydog - we used to make such a good team but over the last few years we are more like people who live in the same house, not even housemates. He's so angry at everything all the time and my career seems to be adding fuel to the fire.

@aboutbloodytime123 - congratulations on the promotion! Enjoy it!

@ZoeyBartlett - DH hates his job and I have encouraged him to do something different, but he won't. He seems to rather wallow in the misery of it. It is t easy to live with.

@B1rd - we are about the same age as you and I think you are right about DH struggling to keep up with social changes.

@Reugny - I wish my husband would be genuinely proud... I am of him. He has some amazing achievements under his belt and I tell him so.

@Riri24 - I have asked and his view is that there is positive discrimination which helps women and disadvantages men. When I ask him if he thinks I don't deserve my role he says no, I'm there in merit. I have pointed out that if there is a systemic approach to promoting women over men then I must have benefited. It doesn't make me feel good to be honest.

@FloydPepper - we both earn enough that splitting 50/50 is fine. We don't have many outgoings really. He wants to split 50/50 too.

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntieN · 13/05/2023 15:48

@Youabsoluteblinder - that's interesting. I think he's scared to move jobs as it is a big change and that makes him feel worse. I've lived multiple times.

@C1N1C - I need you to talk to my DH! What a great attitude you have and so loving to your DP.

@subsxribed - I think the marriage problems are stemming from his insecurities around a lot of things. He's really hard to live with at the moment and my career success is just making it worse. I could have left at any point in the last couple of decades financially so I don't think it is that specifically.

OP posts:

Springissprunging · 13/05/2023 15:58

My DH used to earn double what I did, now I earn double what he does. He has celebrated every promotion, every new job

I think deep down it might have bruised his pride a bit when I started to outearn him but he never made that my problem or let it overcome his pride for what I had achieved

NotNowGertrude · 13/05/2023 16:13

I've got a good job & tbh it's been an issue in both my last 2 relationships. It's unfair when you work so hard to push yourself as a woman & to provide for your kids in a man's world & work industry but some men don't want you & it makes you more vulnerable to negging

TedMullins · 13/05/2023 16:22

I’ve always out-earned my partner since we met - just the industries we work in. He is nothing but proud and appreciative. I agree with the pp who said your H is a misogynist with a fragile ego, as is any man who has a problem with this

TheMoops · 13/05/2023 16:25

My DH earns more than me but that's mainly because he's 11 years older.
He's convinced that I will end up progressing further than him in my career and he's very supportive of that and proud of me.
Which is how you should feel about a partner you love.

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 18:30

I think you should look at taking some time apart.

He isn't happy for or with you and there is little point staying together long term if this continues.

If you have children that might complicate things?

Maybe nesting would work?

But take some space from him to figure out how YOU feel.

Thetimeisnow12 · 13/05/2023 19:26

We had this issue too for past 7 years (married 11.5, ds 9, DD 6) was never a problem cos he always got up and tried and I earnt enough for us to have a nice life. Then in covid my business had to shut and I got a v well paid role needed him to step up for childcare. He resented my time was more important than his and he had to deal
with kids before then I had dealt with kids and alwways felt he was supportive and felt sad he couldn’t do nicer things for me. Then after covid anger and resentment got worse and frequent job hopping for him and now we getting a divorce :(
sadly feel the financial
element was a huge factor

Starseeking · 13/05/2023 19:44

By the time I left my EXDP 2 years ago, I was earning more than 2.5x his salary.

I'd also gone for a big promotion when my boss retired, which took me weeks to prepare for and would have taken me to 4 times his salary, however I never told him anything about it, and had to hide it from him, as I knew he'd become more resentful.

The sad thing is his job was so much more flexible than mine, and he could have taken an equal or majority role in doing nursery runs for our small DC and the housework, but he wanted me to do it all; work, DC and house, and it was all too much. I got to the stage of thinking "what is the actual point of you, when I'm doing everything?".

I don't have a DP now, however I have great support in a Nanny Housekeeper to look after the DC and house while I work, and life is sooooooooo much simpler.

Unfortunately I don't think this type of man changes OP; the more successful you get, the more resentful they get.

Mari9999 · 13/05/2023 21:26

OP, if as you say your marriage is probably on the rocks for other reasons, he may or may not care how much you earn. In fact, he may be relieved that you won't be in a bad or needy place in or when the marriage ends.

This seems like just one more difference in a sea of differences.

UndercoverCop · 13/05/2023 21:34

I've always earned more than DH at times double, we work in the same field. To be fair to him he's done a second degree and professional qualifications (as have I) , I think I'm just more ambitious, I enjoy the strategic senior management stuff he really doesn't. That's fine. About a year or so ago he was nearly earning the same as me (including overtime and unsocial allowances), but I've had another promotion since. He couldn't give two figs and neither could I. We are comfortable all our bills are paid, were off on holiday this week, we save week and we get exactly the same disposable fun money each, each month.
If anything I'm the one judged by others for being career focussed and not a SAHM or working part time doing all the housework and school pick ups/drop offs etc. He gets praised for knowing how to work a washing machine and looking after his own child.

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