Earning more than your DH

[AuntieN]

My marriage is probably on the rocks already for other reasons, but wanted to know if anyone else has had to navigate this issue. I’ve recently had a bit of luck and my career has accelerated and I now earn about double what DH earns. For a long time he earned a lot more than me and has other benefits which I didn’t / don’t have. My base salary seems to have really upset him although he says well done through gritted teeth. I think this is basic jealousy that he feels as though he is being left behind. Has anyone else had this issue and how did you handle it? I refuse to feel bad about success and see it as something we both benefit from. I’ve always said to him it isn’t a reflection of competence between him and me, just a reflection of the fact that I work in a better paid industry. By the way, I’m not earning the mythical MN “high earner” type figures (I wish!) I just happen to be the higher earner if you see what I mean.

My base salary seems to have really upset him although he says well done through gritted teeth

Sorry OP. You just don't get jealous or insecure of your partner if you are on the same team as them, psychologically. You are joyful on their behalf, maybe sad that you can't do better than your current circumastance maybe, but still very joyful for them. That's because if you are a relationship orientated person, you think of your relationship as 'us' and 'ours', one team.

It took me a while to realise that despite being in stable, apparently loving relationships, some people just don't think like that. They are on their own team OP. That team consists of 1 person, and you are very much on a different team. There will always be a degree of gap between them and their partner, because of that it's possible for them to feel resentment and jealously.

Been there done that 🙄

My exH liked having the money I earned (as much again as he did) but didn't want to pull his weight about the house.
When I complained, he had an affair with an airhead who earned peanuts. So I divorced him and set him free to have a woman who he could financially control, and who wouldn't intellectually challenge him.

DH2 earns less than me, is happy to take on his share of household tasks and celebrates my successes.

Sadly, some men just feel threatened by intelligent, competent women.

My EXDP wanted to financially control me too @Postmanpatscatisfab except he couldn't lol

Where did you meet your DH2? I need to know where to find non-jealous supportive men!

I met my DH2 at church.

It also helped that he had looked after his elderly parents for years so he was domesticated !

When dh and I met, I earned more than him. Then for ages after we had dc he earned way more than me. Now we earn roughly the same. He'd be delighted if I had a big payrise and earned more than him! He was never bothered by me earning more when we were first together either, because he's not a misogynist twat!

I had this problem with my ExH.

I have to say, I don't think he was a misogynist, but he was insecure, and he was brought up to see his principle value to be linked to earnings and professional success, so feeling less successful and contributing less in this way made him feel insignificant.

I think this is indeed a common problem in men, and I think it can take a long time to identify the problem, and it also relies on other factors. Of course there are some cave men misogynists who will show their colours early.

But more likely you will discover this slowly. For example, one poster has celebrated that their partner is not like this, while saying at the same time their DH is 11 years older, still earns more, but is proud of what she is/ might achieve. I'm sorry but in this situation you just don't know what will happen. My DH was supportive and championed me for 16 years, appearing every part a feminist and supportive, until he started feeling bad about various parts of his own life, and my earnings surpassed his to a significant degree that he could no longer ignore. (Indeed I would suggest that if this poster's DH has partnered with somebody 11 years his junior, he may well be the type of man who feels best when he is more experienced, and might well have a challenge when he is growing older, loosing his lustre and professional power, while his wife is flying higher and higher.... so beware!)

Everybody needs to feel good about themselves and earnings are pretty central to that, particularly for men. If everything else is going well in their lives, in terms of ego, then most could overlook earnings discrepancy. But potency/ power/ esteem are balanced across multiple realms. Deficiency in too many at once will upset the apple cart.

I out earn DH by a significant amount. He is proud of me as I am of him. His background is very t traditional. His parents were horrified I kept my last name etc. When they commented that I was lucky to be in our house thanks to DH’s efforts, DH explained in no uncertain terms that I contribute more financially. Blaming a traditional upbringing is silly.

In any case he works very hard. My industry just pays more..

he needs to grow up it’s not the 1950’s!

I have always earned more than my DH he is always delighted when I have had a promotion and supports me 100% - and I him in his work - he works just as hard its just a lower paid industry- and he likes his job 😀. We are a team - ultimately it doesn’t matter who earns more it goes into one pot to which we both have access. Just wanted to say congratulations to you and unfortunately it does seem like your husbands less than positive views on women and employment success are coming to the forefront.

Thabks op. I take it from your vague answer that you earn more but he pays 50:50.

Yes, we split 50/50 just as he wanted.

Thanks for the congratulations 🙂
As you say, I think his opinions are coming out now.

This is very well observed... he's struggles but at the moment and I suspect his self esteem has been hit by my promotion. He does forget that he's very successful in other areas. For example he has represented the UK at the world championships of a sport he plays. He's not exactly failing at life as far as I can see.

I've always earned far more than my DH does and ever will - for health reasons he's not really capable of working full time and despite being one of the most intelligent people I know he isn't particularly good academically (suspected autism/ADHD and other mental health stuff going on), so he works part time in a near NMW job that is really fulfilling for him and 'worthy' (public sector, caring type role). I, on the other hand, earn a lot more than I'm worth (IMO) as a lawyer. We're both proud of each other for different reasons - he's proud of me that I've managed to make a financial success of myself against considerable adversity, and I'm so proud that his work makes a real difference to people's lives. It works for us because neither of us sees it as a competition - we're a team! It's a shame that your DH seems to feel that your success is taking something away from him somehow.

Congrats on your promotion!

I would also say that societal norms play a big part here. My DH has had several of his (male) friends question him or rib him a bit about being a 'house husband' and who wears the trousers blah blah. I can tell it does get to him a bit because there is still this accepted view that men are meant to be providers

I find this thread interesting. Of a lower paid woman is paying 50:50 her partner is accused of abuse. If she says that’s her choice she’d be roundly told not to be a mug, and make her partner pay more.

I wonder why you feel comfortable having him pay more than he should.

@FloydPepper

I wonder why you feel comfortable having him pay more than he should.

She said that they split 50/50 as her partner wanted.

What do you think she should do - force him to contribute less than he, an adult man capable of making his own decisions, wants to?

He shouldn't get less of a say than her in who contributes what just because he earns less. You're saying he should contribute a different amount to the amount he feels comfortable contributing. And that OP should enforce that somehow as if she's the final decision maker.

I can't see much about that which is fair on him tbh.

OP is simply respecting his preference to pay 50/50.

I just know that any woman choosing (freely? Under social pressure? Misguidedly?) to allow her partner to pay less than his fair share would get a pretty robust and clear response on here that she should not do that.

@FloydPepper

I just know that any woman choosing (freely? Under social pressure? Misguidedly?) to allow her partner to pay less than his fair share would get a pretty robust and clear response on here that she should not do that.

'Fair share' is completely subjective though, that's the issue I suppose.

And you specifically asked OP why she is personally 'comfortable' with her partner paying 50/50, despite the fact she has said this is what he has chosen. I would guess she's comfortable with it because it's what he is also comfortable with. And they are both adults.

I'm not sure what answer you expect her to give you unless you're being disingenuous and the 'question' was actually just you accusing her of being unfair to him?

It just felt like your way of saying OP is being unfair or unkind to him, which I can't see evidence of as she specifically said it's her partners choice to go 50/50 🤷🏻‍♀️

@FloydPepper - honestly I don't feel comfortable with it and I have offered many times to adjust it, but DH is adamant he wants 50/50. When I earned a lot less than he did it was still 50/50.

And your salary raise isn't through luck, op.

It's through hard work and talent

Do not undermine yourself

Thanks you

Until about 8 years ago, I earnt more than DH. Then I went PT when the dc were little and he was promoted and earnt considerably more, but he was fully aware of the domestic support I provided. Now he's been made redundant... I'm steady away in my lower paying but secure, public sector middle manager job. It's been swings and roundabouts, but he's never had an ego at all about what we earn relatively, and is far better at housework than I am!

Fair enough. I’d be very uncomfortable not paying my share, and even when partners have wanted 50:50 I’ve refused. I wonder if he feels he should be paying due to the whole societal pressure on men to pay and provide.

id say 50:50 when you earned less though was also unfair so I guess what comes around goes around.

yABU for saying you’ve had a bit of luck at work as the reason you’ve been promoted. It’s not luck it’s hard work and talent. Don’t minimise your achievements to appease your DH.