How do I get her to see that this isn't a healthy relationship?

[Fireyflies]

DSD is 22, in her first year of a proper job as a teacher, and now wants to jack it all in to move to the US with a new BF she's known 3 months. He's in the US military and being posted back there. If she did another year of teaching she'd be able to go and visit him and see how she likes it out there, and also with 2 years of teaching would be eligible for a work visa for the US. But he won't do this - says he needs her with him and he can't do long distance. He's 29 and I don't feel has her best interests at heart - why else would you pressure someone to give up their career and move across the world having burned bridges?

She was previously living with another older BF who she left because he didn't like her seeing her own friends and got violent (breaking things, not against her, but frightening nevertheless). Now this new one is doing just the same and won't let her see her own friends but there seems so much more at stake now if she moves, as she'd be so isolated and without any income of her own. She's a very young and naive 22 year old. How can I talk sense into her? She realised that last relationship was controlling and not right. How can she be unable to see that she's repeating herself again so quickly?

It’s very hard to be so so young and doing something grown up, like moving your entire life to a new country! She definitely needs to make sure she has her teaching experience under her belt first in order to get her work visa for US. She needs her independence in this life.
He as a 29 year old should know better. But, he seems very very selfish. He’s pushing her into a corner by saying he can’t do long distance. He knows this is how to get her to play ball, and this is rather manipulative.
It might be tough for her to see now at only 22 which is an issue.
is there anybody outside of the family she could talk to, an impartial opinion (or 10!) to help her see the light? She will regret this very much in 10 years if she follows this path, If her bf loved her, he’d want the best for her. I mean If he’s in the military, is she gonna be left on her own in th US when he’s posted away? Don’t military men get posted places for months at a time? She’ll see him about as much as if she didn’t move there! Grown up life isn’t as fun when you are in it, she needs to be young and enjoy freedom, and protect herself from bad relationships.

Thanks @Shivvy120 You're completely right about everything. But she won't see that. She's never had many close friends (an introvert who tends to overthink things and decide people don't like her all too often). She's close to my DD who has also been trying to talk some sense into her, but also without success. Apart from that she sees work colleagues socially (or at least she did until new BF started getting difficult about that) and one or two old uni friends but I don't know these people so can't ask them to speak with her. DH and I have been quite blunt with her about this being a bad idea

I am with you OP. Is sounds like her new BF does not have your DSD interests at heart.
Seeing she is 22 it will be hard to try and divert her from her decision if she is set in going. But, you can be there for her if things dont work out.

Apart from that she sees work colleagues socially (or at least she did until new BF started getting difficult about that)

Any chance you can gently point out that the pattern of isolation by bf seems to be repeating itself and what's she going to do when she's in the US and knows no-one but him and he (for example) wants her to leave her job and depend completely on him?

I'm sorry. From what you've posted he sounds really bad news for your DD.

If worse comes to worse, I’m originally European and you can take sabbatical leave in my country, although I’m wondering if that could need a bit more experience teaching. Think like people taking 6 months off to tour the world.

Basically by this I mean is there at least a way to ensure it is not presented as ‘jacking it all’ to protect her qualifications etc for when she (hopefully) decides to return if she réalises it’s not working out. I wouldn’t discuss it necessarily with her, it sounds a bit too much like a free pass to go ahead.

Apologies if my post doesn’t correspond to English rules, although my country is a close wester European one so I was wondering.

Otherwise, agreed it’s all kinds of wrong and selfish, if he was 22 himself I’d be less annoyed.

Being there for her when it all goes wrong is kind of easy, but very much the plan b. I'd so much rather she didn't fuck her life to to start with!

Bringing up the parallels with the previous BF is a delicate issue because some of what I know about the new BF in particular I know via DD (who's told me things because she shares my concerns about DSD) so I have to be careful what things I admit to knowing without DSD feeling she can't trust DD. I may try some conversations about her work socials and see if she'll open up.

Apologies because I know you tried to explain in your first post, but unsure I fully understand what happens if she goes right now

In a healthy relationship, I'd say actually that 22 is the perfect time to jack it all in and move to the US. She's so young and she should be out there living and experiencing the world, rather than just focussed on working at this point. At 22, I moved across the country and left everything I knew growing up. At 28, I moved to the other side of the world. And then at 30, I moved again to the other, other side of the world after I met dh.

Do you think you are feeling like he's controlling just because he's offered up an idea that you don't want her to do? Or is he truly controlling? If it's not a healthy relationship, then I'd have a chat with her about that (and perhaps hope her friends do the same). But maybe you could pair that with encouraging her to find other ways that she could travel or work abroad, as maybe it's adventure she's seeking rather than this guy. At 22, I probably would have gone off on an adventure with the first guy who offered it, simply because I wanted to go have fun and see the world. But there are ways she can do that without a relationship and that might be a way to spin it if you are concerned for her.

What’s her childhood back story?

Are her Mum and Dad close to her - are there other siblings?

Any chance she is ND?

It doesn’t sound good - but the best outcome is it goes sour and she comes home and picks up where she left off.

The worst case is he coerces her into a pregnancy and she will never be able to leave the country with her baby if they split up…..or even if they don’t if he doesn’t want her to.

She needs to be 100% aware of this outcome.

@Godlovesall26 - she could potentially get back into teaching in the UK if she came back here. (Though it doesn't look so great to have left a job after just one year). But to teach in the US she'd need a work visa which requires 2 years experience in the UK, whereas she'll have only one. She could marry him and eventually get a green card and then a job, but that's a process takes around 2 years and doesn't sound like he wants her to work.

Of course, I just know in my country if you don’t do the proper paperwork it’s very easy to get screwed over. Just a suggestion as this seems to be moving so quickly.

Otherwise, can you bribe her with something (I know this sounds awful, but behaving young sometimes calls for reactions corresponding). Moving back in with you for token rent to allow her to save for moving in properly with him, at least at the end of that first year ? Hopefully he’ll have moved on!!

Maybe detailed research on how much limitations she’d have living in America without being any helpful status, versus after a year ?

@mindutopia - I see what you're saying but she's really not an adventurous type. She's never wanted to travel before, or move abroad. And I wouldn't be against her moving abroad if it seemed a good plan for her, just not handing in notice on her job and leaving everything for someone she hardly knows to a place she's never been

Sorry, cross posted. Have you met him ? Are his family with some beliefs like the man works and the woman raises the child.
PP made a valid point about pregnancy unfortunately. Which adds (sorry, a big part of my job includes a form a risk assessment, which can make me think worst case scenario) what would the childcare laws be in case of separation and she wishes to return ?

I think I’d try to get to know him as much as possible (feign full interest and enthusiasm : if she’s determined to leave, you want to know as much as possible).

I think I'd be asking her about definite plans. Does she have a job? Where's she going to work? can she work? what happens if she can't? where's she going to live? can she drive? can she afford a car? can she afford her own apartment? or is she going to be wholly, totally dependent thousands of miles away from family from someone who after 3 months is already displaying red flags for abuse - cutting her off from friends and not wanting her to work.

Yes it’s very clear you have her best interests in mind.
Theres so many reasons against this. And it’s not like she’d have to wait ages, you said it was 1 year to visit freely ans 2 years for a work visa. So it does seem extremely shortsighted. She’ll be 24 max in 2 years, quite enough time for the world

A baby would make things so much more difficult and it's a very real worry - DSD likes children and would like her own sooner rather than later... DD has already been telling DSD what a very bad idea that would be though so might not be helpful for me to add to that.

Her childhood wasn't bad overall. Quite a sheltered upbringing I would say. Other siblings have left home and she's not really close to any of them, somewhat fractious relationship with her older sister who tends to dominate conversations, DSD finds my DD (her step sister) an easier confident I think. Her own mum is the one person advocating the US move, because she met the new BF and liked him and thinks he'll take care of DSD, which probably isn't helpful, though DSD isn't close to her mum (she lives with us currently).

Yes we've met him quite a few times. He's pleasant enough but doesn't have much to say for himself or take any interest in us or any other topics of conversation so it feels a bit like an inquisition.

Haven't spoken to him about our views on DSD moving there. I'd quite like to hear direct his reasons for the "I can't do long distance" and why he can't wait just a further year (during which time they could both visit one another) But having him know we're opposed might be something he could use against DSD (eg "you're just being controlled by your parents who don't want you to go") so I'm wary.

Why does she think she needs taking care of ? Unless she meant that in an off handed way, but after 3 months relationship not many mum’s would be advocating a move to the other side of the world for a 22 yo, with no financial stability (or is he marrying her before departure?). When her daughter could do the same in not too long but with a work visa ? If he dumps her in the meantime for not going transatlantic after 3 months, he’s hardly a keeper (not that he sounds like it regardless)

I would feign enthusiasm for this plan, and then subtly talk about having to have health insurance, needing to drive, how to earn a living etc etc. Look up whereabouts in the USA she will be living. Try and discreetly plan an exit strategy for if it all goes wrong.

I think I've already made my worries clear enough that I'm not going to get away with feigning enthusiasm! Have tried to talk about practicalities. She says BF will provide for her financially. I think she sees that as love rather than control. It can be both I guess.

She finds teaching stressful (though seems to be getting on well) and there's a bit of an appeal in not having to work.

If she’s so infatuated she may have confided in him you’re not in favor. If mum has said but I am… won’t be helping.

Maybe try to reframe the discussion with her in a you’re not against, you like him, it’s just very soon and would like to get to know him more ? Fake it until you hopefully make it, in a way. Just maintain the timeline argument and that one only maybe.

Sorry I’m not being very useful I’m sure. I’m 22 and left home at that age, except it was to finally be able tu pursue the great degree I’d been accepted in but my family would rather me stay at home and be the carer for years (long story, been a young carer years, also been in care). There’s not much you could have said to convince me (maybe offer me money if I delayed my spot for a year because I was skint as hell)

Apologies I’m 32

Apologies again cross posted. I see what you mean by not being able to feign enthusiasm, so maybe bank it all on you will fully support her when the time is right ? Just insisting on the notion of time? Long shot I get it

What does she absolutely like ? A young marine won’t be rolling in money likely, and be moved often. Can you discuss the appeal of having her own good salary to contribute (what would she like to do with it? Provide her kids with activities holidays extra etc?). Even if she works part time (the idea might appeal to her more). And have her own pension ?

I’m unsure it would resonate with her, but (not mentioning the controlling part and doubts about him), have you tried mentioning how many people would give everything to be in her position ? She’s in a position to literally have it all (work visa, marriage, kids, green card!) and how it may not be very well received on the other side for people who have had to fight so much longer for these things, the sheer immature of saying f*ck it I can’t be bothered to wait another year, not to work ? Military families I know tend to place a lot of value in independence and hard work. Maybe that could be an angle, how would she really be viewed on the other side ? Versus if she waited another year how much difference

Apologies, posting a lot!

@Godlovesall26 DSD's mum is an odd character who seems to believe that it's a man's job to earn the money and a man who wants you to stay home and will support you is a good catch. DSD is the least academic of her siblings and I think her mum always marked her down as the one who needed to find a good man. DSD always played the little girl when she was younger, she could be very charming, she was very pretty (and still is).

The BF is some sort of aircraft engineer and DSD says he's on a high salary, significantly more than she earns. I don't know anything about his family background but from what DSD says it seems he has very traditional values and wants a wife to stay home.