How do I get her to see that this isn't a healthy relationship?

[Fireyflies]

DSD is 22, in her first year of a proper job as a teacher, and now wants to jack it all in to move to the US with a new BF she's known 3 months. He's in the US military and being posted back there. If she did another year of teaching she'd be able to go and visit him and see how she likes it out there, and also with 2 years of teaching would be eligible for a work visa for the US. But he won't do this - says he needs her with him and he can't do long distance. He's 29 and I don't feel has her best interests at heart - why else would you pressure someone to give up their career and move across the world having burned bridges?

She was previously living with another older BF who she left because he didn't like her seeing her own friends and got violent (breaking things, not against her, but frightening nevertheless). Now this new one is doing just the same and won't let her see her own friends but there seems so much more at stake now if she moves, as she'd be so isolated and without any income of her own. She's a very young and naive 22 year old. How can I talk sense into her? She realised that last relationship was controlling and not right. How can she be unable to see that she's repeating herself again so quickly?

even if they do get married, she might not even get a spousal visa for the short time they have been together
i know people who have been together a lot longer and married a lot longer who struggled to get the proper visas to get into the USA
its not a case of oh your married you can live here legally, they will check every aspect of the relationship to see that its genuine

I would explain the whole visa situation.

Suggest she goes out for the summer holidays and then again at Christmas whilst they explore the visa.

I'm just wondering how long she'll be allowed to stay because she certainly won't be allowed to work, unless they get married! Even then they'd probably get grilled because of the short length of the relationship. Also she won't be able to leave if she did end up with a child and he'd be able to prevent them leaving the country if he so desired. Plus where are they going to live, would she be able to live in military housing with him? All seems so vague. Fingers crossed you talk her out of it or at least into getting her qualification here first.

It is not as easy as all that to get a visa for the USA, especially if you are planning to live there and have no job to go to.

Does anyone have a link to info that says it's hard to get a visa even if you're married?

Ah sadly it's a known thing with young US soldiers. They get married v quickly (to get more money and better housing) and have SAHM wives known colloquially as 'dependapotamuses'.

Maybe see if there's videos on TikTok #armyboys #armymen #armymarriage and forward them on. She may listen to the fears of her peers more.

So looks like a years wait to get a visa even if they're married

www.boundless.com/immigration-resources/average-green-card-wait-times/#:~:text=concurrent%20filing”).-,If%20your%20spouse%20is%20a%20U.S.%20citizen%20and%20you%20currently,to%20get%20a%20spousal%20visa.

She can stay for 90 days without a visa, if you screw that up they won't let you back in for a minimum of 3 years.

Tell her that if she has a baby in the US she might never be able to bring that child back to UK if he refuses. And that if she can't work she might face some very difficult choices.

I admit i was very surprised by how simple this seemed. Hence one of my previous messages about does she realize how lucky she is. Good luck for that type of delay it seems here in Britain, or at least I can definitely say for sure in my home Western European country!

Now several of you PP are making me wonder if she’s being sold a pipe dream (I don’t know much about American rules, but I guess they are notoriously difficult to settle in, so I did wonder why so much easier than ours, I assumed it was a military thing tbh). But you’re making me think you’re right and my initial feelings were maybe more close to the reality

Some of them yes, not all. But yes OP has confirmed his family seems to favor women not working, that was why I asked tbh.
I think a big difference is that they marry young American girls who know (or their families know and expect) what they’re signing up for. I don’t judge really if it’s their choice (and given the amount of times military families move, it can be a nightmare for the wife to keep finding a new job, but mostly a choice of life yes). And as they’re American + married at least they have regular custody battles in their own country if separation.

I don’t know many of these situations like this in person though, so I don’t doubt you’re right and it can lead to unhappy situations

She needs to realize it’s his salary, she won’t get a penny unless he hands it over.
Its a very sad situation (the main risk being if she has a child), hopefully other posters will have additional information

A couple of things that might help are:

Boosting her self worth as much as you can. Not just you but her Dad and whole family tell her she's worth being treated like gold and how proud you are etc etc

Getting to know the boyfriends family as much as you can. Whatsapps, zoom calls etc. so that if you're worried you can contact his mum for example and have a chat.

Thanks - I'll check that out

Yes good advice about boosting her self esteem. I've been trying that today as she was talking about a difficult situation at her school and I told her it sounded as if she'd dealt with very well.

Trouble is we love her by wanting her to make a success of her life, which includes sticking at her job. The BF says he loves her so she doesn't have to work. That's appealing to her.

I don't think it's appropriate to be asking to speak with the bf's parents. He's 29 and where he's about to be posted isn't where he grew up so they won't be local.

No real advice, but I just wanted to point out that if she is in a state school in England (not sure about elsewhere in the UK), she will need to resign by 31st May if she wants to leave on 31st August. Stall, stall, stall and she will have to stay in her job until Christmas at least. Her work won't want her to leave as she is cheap due to her lack of experience. Also, she is on around £30k ATM l, and I assume she is not paying full rent and board to you. I don't know how much more money BF earns, but if she moves out there will be a lot more expenses (and that's before even considering whether he'll share his income). I'm not sure she'll actually be better off. She sounds awfully naive and I do sympathise with you!

You can formulate it in a casual hey don’t we have a FaceTime chat with your BF’s family. They’re going to be closer, I’d like to get to know them, it’s very important for emergencies. Something like that. She knows you disagree, but she’d struggle to argue it’s an unreasonable request. And then repeat. Or at the very least try to get the mum to, sure she’ll probably say they’re lovely, but hopefully you can get a few bits of info. I think it would help you a lot though, and it’s not his age that’s relevant it’s your DSDs

She's well aware of the 31 May deadline unfortunately @Crustsamongus. I'm currently trying the "you could always leave at Christmas" to get her to delay and not feel so pressured to making a decision right now (though imagine that would be letting the school and her students down more badly than leaving at the end of the year)

The real problem is that the BF has apparently said he's not prepared to do long distance so she either quits her job or loses her relationship :(

I’d clue her up a little more on military lifestyle in this case. Half the time young couples are separated

Sorry, I really don’t like this guy instinctively. As a PP poster said this set up does happen in military families and socially accepted, but they were also right about it generally happening younger.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s all ages, but a 29yo supposedly very successful military (so, guaranteed housing, university fees deductions for children is quite a catch theoretically, and if he’s traditional I’d be wondering why it hasn’t happened sooner and why with a British girl he just met and knows he would limit completely by pushing her to not wait another year). I’ve never heard military personnel saying they can’t do long distance I have to say (part of my family is in), it’s par for the course to expect periods of separations.

That + the controlling worries and the age gap + DSD being on the naive side, it’s absolutely not the vision of military I was brought up with. Honor includes the best interests of your wife

Yes that's a good point about not doing long distance being incompatible with a military lifestyle. He's an engineer not a combat role but has been deployed to war zones in the past and could be so again

Sorry for being so cynical, but although I’m European I know a couple of American families as well, and his attitude is just strange.
Its a bit like, I have Jehovah’s Witness and Mormon friends who married early within their circles, and stayed happily in their respective circles.
But a military man who can’t do long distance is for me a red flag

I wonder what his relationship history is - and why he didn’t get married young?

I suspect a previous relationship ‘escaped’ so he has targeted a young, naive woman and forcing her into making a snap decision. He knows what he’s doing.

How did they meet?

Where is her own DF in all of this?