How do I get her to see that this isn't a healthy relationship?

[Fireyflies]

DSD is 22, in her first year of a proper job as a teacher, and now wants to jack it all in to move to the US with a new BF she's known 3 months. He's in the US military and being posted back there. If she did another year of teaching she'd be able to go and visit him and see how she likes it out there, and also with 2 years of teaching would be eligible for a work visa for the US. But he won't do this - says he needs her with him and he can't do long distance. He's 29 and I don't feel has her best interests at heart - why else would you pressure someone to give up their career and move across the world having burned bridges?

She was previously living with another older BF who she left because he didn't like her seeing her own friends and got violent (breaking things, not against her, but frightening nevertheless). Now this new one is doing just the same and won't let her see her own friends but there seems so much more at stake now if she moves, as she'd be so isolated and without any income of her own. She's a very young and naive 22 year old. How can I talk sense into her? She realised that last relationship was controlling and not right. How can she be unable to see that she's repeating herself again so quickly?

Not sure if it's been mention or pointed out. But he can't do long distance. This individual is in the military. What happens if he's posted somewhere else thousands of miles away on a tour of duty for several months. He will have to do long distance then. What a prick he sounds

How did they meet?

Any chance he targeted her?

Ask her 'why would someone who claims he loves you, ask you to give up your career for him, based on just 3 months of knowing you? That's not love. Love isn't selfish like that. People who love you don't let you gamble your future like that. He only cares about what he wants'.

Also,you can let their border force know she isn't a genuine traveller via anonymous tip. You just email them with her date of intended travel and say she is not a tourist but intends to stay.

I know thar might make her mad at you. But it's better than her marrying some abusive man in a country where she has no family to look out for her. Its worth her being mad at you. Do whatever it takes.

This!

Happened to me sister last year. Thankfully we made her see sense

I would be concerned about her as well from what you have told us. She seems to lack maturity. I know that she is recently qualified as a teacher in her 1st job which she has to find her feet in and deal with issues that come up.
If she gets 2 years experience in the UK it can help her get a proper work visa in the USA if that's what she wants to do and does not have a boyfriend rushing into this.

The reality is that she with a man who has more life experience than her. He is pushing her towards moving to the USA for his own reasons and telling her he will mind her.
If he is 29 with a good military job why is he not all ready married? I wonder did his ex girlfriends and her parents notice his control tendancies.

I tell her that at the moment the only visa she will get into the USA is a 90 day tourist visa and she can't work on this visa. She will have to produce her passport, this visa and tell the USA boarder officer where she is going when she is in the USA and show them a return ticket.
Tell her they can and do ask people questions despite having this and they can stop her entering the USA if they feel she is going to stay their after her 90 day visa is up.
Getting a visa into the USA where you can live and work permanently on it far from easy and it has a large amount of paperwork and expense. She will have several meetings in the US embassy for this and will be questioned in depth as well.
I ask her does she want to work in a school where they have regular drills on how to deal with the situation if a mass shooter gets into the building.

At this stage I get your husband and any other person she trusts around and tell them you have decided to set the boyfriend up and you need their help in getting him out of her life.
Tell them why don't we bring him around to the house for a family meal and start to bring up things and ask him loads of questions.

Let's ask him the following:

Ask him how much does he earn? Tell him you want to see his bank statements.
Ask him why told X that you don't want her to see her friends since she met you?
Tell him that you have heard that married quarters far nicer than a dorm room he has currently as a single man in the army.

Ask him how is he going to support her if she moves their. Ask him how much is her medical insurance going to cost him a year? Ask him what visa she needs to move to the USA with him?
My feeling is that he thinks she move over with him and has no idea that it's going to be far harder and more expensive than either of them realise.
Ask him does your boss know your planning to bring a woman you know just 3 months back to the USA with you? Tell him I am sure you won't mind my husband contacting them about this because we need to know more about your plans and how this works.

I would also tell them that you have the contact details of the USA boarder force and that they like to know that he is planning to bring your step daughter into the USA and she will overstay her 90 day tourist visa. Tell him his boss will be told this as well.

Let him see that your on to him. My feeling is that she won't be attractive to him once you do this. He is just looking for some quite woman who say yes to him, marry him so he can get married quarters and have his kids. Meanwhile your step daughter is left with no family or friend support and no money of her own living in the USA.
He is setting her up to be used and she can't see this. The fact he does not like her seeing her friends it a big red flag as her friends would be asking her questions and telling her not to move with him.

Might also help to discuss love bombing with her. Ask if that's been going on. Things like telling her he's 'never met anyone like her before' or she's 'the only one who understands' me.
Link her to some example websites.

YouTube videos on how to spot narcissists too. Just fire off links to her phone when you see relevant ones. Maybe get her some books like 'the gift of fear' or lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that?'

That's really not helpful.

Exactly how do you propose I stop a 22 year old from moving abroad if that's what she's intent on doing. I am not asking whether or not it's a good idea for her to go - I can already think of many, many ways this could all turn so bad. But I can't just tell her "you're not allowed" as if she was 15.

And demanding to meet his parents. Really?

Sorry, some people appear unclear (maybe I was unclear). The BF is here in the UK currently. He's been posted here the last 3 years, but DSD only met him 3 months ago. He's being posted back to the US (to a new part of it, not where he's originally from) in a few weeks. She wants to follow him in September. He's a real person, not a romance scam. But it doesn't seem a healthy or balanced relationship.

Thanks. Some good advice here. I will speak to her about birth control. (Or put DD up to it). Imagine it may be harder to get in the US and the state she's wanting to move to is one that has banned abortion.

I've already talked about incomes and health insurance. She says BF will support her.

Copying passport and knowing where the embassy is if it should ever get lost is a good suggestion.

That's more or less word for word what I said to her when she told me he wouldn't do long distance 😔. I don't know what more I can say? She hears, she clams up and goes quiet (which is always her instinct when stressed), she blocks it out because she doesn't want to think about it. She's always been a bit of a head in the sand type who ignores difficult things and hopes they'll go away.

@Pinkbonbon - I don't think it would really be true to tip off the home office to say she wasn't planning to return. She has a vague plan of going initially under a tourist visa and then applying for a spousal one after getting married (not sure whether she'd need to return to the UK in between these, but she potentially could)

@Ihadenough22 - much as I'd love to do some of that, I don't think creating a huge conflict between us an the BF would help. DSD would feel boxed into a corner and would likely just move in with him and not speak to us. Not speaking with people is her main way of dealing with difficult situations or avoiding conflict. And she'd then be even more vulnerable than she is right now. DH is a diplomatic man too, and wouldn't want to charge into conflict.

I like this idea. Hearing the things he's said to her used as illustrations of the types of language controlling people use might help. Will try and find time to do that. It's hard because she's working full time and spends quite bit of her spare time at his, or with him round here at ours. Could work on that over the summer with her - she'd have given her notice in on her job by then but there's a couple more months before she's actually planning to go when maybe she can still back out.