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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get her to see that this isn't a healthy relationship?

88 replies

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 17:26

DSD is 22, in her first year of a proper job as a teacher, and now wants to jack it all in to move to the US with a new BF she's known 3 months. He's in the US military and being posted back there. If she did another year of teaching she'd be able to go and visit him and see how she likes it out there, and also with 2 years of teaching would be eligible for a work visa for the US. But he won't do this - says he needs her with him and he can't do long distance. He's 29 and I don't feel has her best interests at heart - why else would you pressure someone to give up their career and move across the world having burned bridges?

She was previously living with another older BF who she left because he didn't like her seeing her own friends and got violent (breaking things, not against her, but frightening nevertheless). Now this new one is doing just the same and won't let her see her own friends but there seems so much more at stake now if she moves, as she'd be so isolated and without any income of her own. She's a very young and naive 22 year old. How can I talk sense into her? She realised that last relationship was controlling and not right. How can she be unable to see that she's repeating herself again so quickly?

OP posts:
Muppetshair · 11/05/2023 20:45

Also because of his age and culture I suspect he will be pushing for DCs asap.

If it was my DD I would be hoping she had a 3 year contraceptive implant…..

It really will be a mess if she is stuck on the other-side of the world unable to leave the country with her child for decades with no career or friends. Happened to my aunt similar whirl wind romance with US military - marriage was a disaster.

Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 20:47

DH (her dad) shares all my concerns. We've both spoken with her about them (together and separately)

I know nothing about his previous relationships. Might ask DSD about that. Maybe he has a long distance relationship break down that way? But I don't know.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 11/05/2023 20:48

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 20:37

Yes that's a good point about not doing long distance being incompatible with a military lifestyle. He's an engineer not a combat role but has been deployed to war zones in the past and could be so again

Yes, that’s what you sign up for. A combat zone is still risky even if you’re an engineer, they have to protect their locations, they won’t be on FaceTime peacefully every evening. If only because they have strict schedules.
If he’s already been to combat zones, could he maybe have ptsd that makes him struggle ? Which I of course would not judge. I’m just wondering about the seeming gap in maturity between having worked through that (I wouldn’t have guessed he’d been deployed from your previous posts, if anything once you are you become even more protective about your families best interests if something happens to you).

Although aside from that I have to say if you take away the military aspect (which as you can see I’m naturally invested in), anyone insisting on a transatlantic move after 3 months + controlling, isn’t right. He would know full well she would struggle like hell for parental rights if she wished to separate

Im sorry I’m posting so much!

Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 20:55

Not too much at all @Godlovesall26 . I appreciate the perspective. I know very little about military lives or the US.
She said he'd been in Iraq. I know nothing more than that about what he was doing there (other than that he's an aircraft engineeer)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 20:58

Actually no that's wrong. It was Afghanistan she said he'd been in, not Iraq. She said he was helping with the exit when they tried to evacuate all the Afghans who'd been helping the Brits. So not that long ago.

OP posts:
Muppetshair · 11/05/2023 21:17

Sorry I missed the 3 MONTHS!!!

That’s absolutely crazy.

When is he going back?

Godlovesall26 · 11/05/2023 22:06

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 20:58

Actually no that's wrong. It was Afghanistan she said he'd been in, not Iraq. She said he was helping with the exit when they tried to evacuate all the Afghans who'd been helping the Brits. So not that long ago.

It’s not really possible to know from this description, those are very complex operations. For the soldiers on the ground you can ‘vaguely guess’, aircraft engineer he could have been very junior and never left the base (not minimizing that role, it’s just a little different), or have had to move, or been in a more senior ‘active’ role. I don’t wish to get into American politics (well, more precisely I feel it’s disrespectful to try to in a forum post, and unfortunately, I’m like you, I’m European, I don’t know lots about US specifics) but I imagine you’d understand what I mean.

If he’s done one though, he’s perfectly aware there could and probably would be others.

I worry he feels your DSD is the perfect plan for ensuring permanent stay with him, as she would be vulnerable in so many ways. So did he fall madly in love with her also in 3 months and forget his job involves separations, or is there another reason. I would say the only way to know this is to insist to him she delays going, so keep inviting him, and ask questions. She may hate you for it, she may jump into an even more troubled relationship in the UK. There’s no way of knowing.

Is there a way of you affording private counseling for her ? I can give you recommendations by pm, but expensive, they all are though.

Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 22:16

Thanks. From what DSD has said he's reasonably senior/doing well in his career, at least that's the impression he's given her. She thinks they're both madly in love with each other. DD (who has known the BF longer in her wider friendship group) things that he is a bit of an all or nothing person who believes himself to be madly in love with DSD, or at least with the person he imagines/wants her to be. It was DD who told me about the BF not liking DSD seeing her friends thing, and said they'd had a row about that. But despite that DSD is still saying she wants to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 22:21

And re counselling, yes I agree it would be very helpful. Money's not a problem, but I'm not sure we could get her to agree. Can you get counselors are at short notice for help with a one off decision like that?

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 11/05/2023 22:27

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 22:21

And re counselling, yes I agree it would be very helpful. Money's not a problem, but I'm not sure we could get her to agree. Can you get counselors are at short notice for help with a one off decision like that?

The one I’m thinking of, at relatively short notice yes, a complete one off no, they’d want a preliminary longer appointment (which costs a fortune) to do a general evaluation, after that yes you’re free to do it or not as much as you wish (by zoom because they try to match you with a specialized person across the uK). It’s a very big uK clinic so for the short notice aspect it should at least be good

Godlovesall26 · 11/05/2023 22:29

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 22:16

Thanks. From what DSD has said he's reasonably senior/doing well in his career, at least that's the impression he's given her. She thinks they're both madly in love with each other. DD (who has known the BF longer in her wider friendship group) things that he is a bit of an all or nothing person who believes himself to be madly in love with DSD, or at least with the person he imagines/wants her to be. It was DD who told me about the BF not liking DSD seeing her friends thing, and said they'd had a row about that. But despite that DSD is still saying she wants to go.

He’s (well, they’re both) a bit old for teenage style infatuations, when there’s so many life implications I’d say.

Godlovesall26 · 11/05/2023 22:31

Godlovesall26 · 11/05/2023 22:27

The one I’m thinking of, at relatively short notice yes, a complete one off no, they’d want a preliminary longer appointment (which costs a fortune) to do a general evaluation, after that yes you’re free to do it or not as much as you wish (by zoom because they try to match you with a specialized person across the uK). It’s a very big uK clinic so for the short notice aspect it should at least be good

Show quote history

Sorry I misread as one off appointment, for your question yes you definitely can, just be prepared for it to cost

Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 22:36

Thanks. If you could pm me the details that would be much appreciated. Can look into it and then see if I can sell it to her. Would be happy to pay £££ given how much is at stake for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 22:38

And DH has already tried hard to explain that marriage is a big commitment and you need to know your lifestyles will match etc, but I don't think it goes in. She likes to believe in romance

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2023 07:24

Sell her the romance of a big wedding in 2024 - summer or at least Easter?

I mean she can go out there for Summer and Christmas. Finish the next year of work so she can work out there etc.

afterdropshock · 12/05/2023 07:44

22 is so young to be teaching. It's not the end of the world if she stops and starts again later in life.

Pinkbonbon · 12/05/2023 11:31

Thus reminds me so much of an episode of 'my lover my killer' from netflix.

The girl travels from America to England and he kills her.

Think the parents said they wish they had gone with her and met him in person. Maybe something would have tweaked.

Could you arrange a family holiday? Meet him and his family. See his living situation ect..

Pinkbonbon · 12/05/2023 11:37

Also, just checking, you say you've met him, but through video chat right? Did the talking sync up with the image on the computer? (Eg: mouth movement matching) Did he speak for a long time and use your daughters name?

It's just there are a lot of cons like romance scams out there where scammers create fake people and use videos where they mute them and add their own voices ect. And this whole in the military thing sounds very standard scammer to me. Has he ever asked her for money?

And you mention her abusive ex, just checking he couldn't be behind the profile. Getting her to give up her life for a non existent person. Maybe hoping to swoop back in when he doesn't show.

I'd encourage her to use the social catfish website to check his name and number are legit and run reverse image searches on the pictures.

Pinkbonbon · 12/05/2023 11:49

Also 'Mr army engineer' is a common romance scam.

They set up urgency and then hit you with something that needs paid for. For example they get you to the point where you're all caught up in the fantasy of living with them (maybe quit your job, getting ready to move) and then tell you that they cant come home as they are stuck off shore - as key part they need for their machinery is broken and and can't leave until its fixed/can't pay the people under them etc...and can they borrow 7000 until they get paid? So you can 'start your new life together'.

Goodread1 · 12/05/2023 11:54

Hi @Fireyflies
I agree with first Poster @Shivvy120 has nailed this totally 👌 about this situation in regards of daughter currently love interest. !

I really think you need to show her some true life insight of what reality will be really like being a relationship with a military 🪖 guy as this,

Look up youtube Internet videos ect...with her she soon start to get a less rose tinted glasses image of life as a military 🪖 based one too,
no wonder Fergie Duchess of York split up divorced with Prince Andrew orginally, Cause of his all consuming naval duties came first.

Also make her see that a year completing her important studies is really not a long time, in the bigger picture at all,

Just think how long it's been since first Lockdown was with covid situation .

I think this situation is a test to see how this relationship will pan out in future,
Just like any relationship has enivatebly ups and downs,

Hopefully some way or other this relationship will with a bit of luck fizzle out how intense if is now..

Being with anybody in armed forces or navy or police is like being married to that career, by proxy if you happen to be their partner, that's for sure. !

Isheabastard · 12/05/2023 12:21

If you can’t stop her going then make sure she knows all the potential pitfalls or problems she may face, and plan for them.

It could be anything and everything. Keep a copy of her passport, maybe an open plane ticket to uk. Ask what her plans are for income when she first gets there. Make sure she understands working regulations in US. Maybe she gets a long lasting birth control jab. Costs of healthcare and paying for accident insurance. Etc, etc, etc.

Theres a slight possibility it may put her off, but more importantly it will help keep your minds at rest if she decides to go. I don’t know how you can stop her if her mind is made up. The only thing you can do is mitigate the dangers/problems by research and planning.

superstar63 · 12/05/2023 12:27

She will be refused entry at the border if she says she is looking to work unless she lies and says she is just going for a two week holiday and they may want to see a return ticket.

Outdamnspot23 · 12/05/2023 12:34

I think if your daughter is the trusted confidante you could help by sending her things to read that she can then (if she wants to) mention to the DSD, maybe like the red flags for coercive control: https://intervalhouse.ca/blog/coercive-control-7-red-flags-to-remember/

I really doubt the suggestions about listing boring but difficult practicalities would work - she's young and in love, she'd think it was romantic to conquer adversity together.

A family holiday to visit his family is a good idea, you'll see their dynamic more then too.

He sounds like an absolute rotter, giving her an ultimatum to leave her home and family for him after just a few months. "Don't do long distance" my arse, have all his previous partners been in the regiment then?

Of course if he feels that much for her how about he could quit the military and get a job as an engineer in the UK? Engineers are on the shortage occupation list which means the UK wants them and he could probably get a visa:

Coercive Control: 7 Red Flags To Remember | Interval House

Coercive control is defined as a pattern of behaviour where an abuser dominates, humiliates, and isolates their victim. It’s a central characteristic of abusive relationships that strips the victimized person...

https://intervalhouse.ca/blog/coercive-control-7-red-flags-to-remember

Outdamnspot23 · 12/05/2023 12:34

Oh it killed my second link re the shortage occupations: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/skilled-worker-visa-shortage-occupations/skilled-worker-visa-shortage-occupations

I think that's a very real possibility actually and if he's not willing to do that for her, it might make her think about giving up her career for him.

Pallisers · 12/05/2023 13:16

I think you should talk to her about the practicalities of this as a start. She will find it extremely hard to get a visa. Yes she could enter on a tourist visa - may involve lying to the immigration guys, not something I'd advise- but she will not be able to work and will be in a great deal of trouble if she overstays it. Even if she marries him right now, it will take a while to sort her visa.

She absolutely cannot move to the US without health insurance.

She should take a look at where he is stationed. Many of the military camps etc are in the south. She needs to take a good hard look at the climate, the place, how far it is from a city, what the accommodations are like - even supposing she could share quarters with him.