Cancelled trip

[Madopause]

I’m laying in bed feeling very strange.

My elderly parents live 7+ hours from us, and I haven’t seen them in roughly 10 years. They’ve travelled to us very rarely, saying the roads are too busy. They live in a 1-bedroomed park home, so for us to go to them the costs rapidly escalate. Difficult relationship, they’ve never forgiven me for moving away from the area when I was younger to pursue a career, and I’ve always felt like the black sheep of the family. I have a brother who lives nearer them. They’ve fallen out with pretty much every relative - neither of them had spoken to their siblings for years before they died, and they now don’t speak to my sil.

They’re both early 80s and I was really getting worried that one of them might die and I wouldn’t have seen them in so long. We couldn’t afford the whole family, but I looked into flights to them and found a good deal just for me. They said I would need to stay somewhere, and put forward a b and b their friend has but it turns out she didn’t have availability. I am fairly stuck on dates between both me and DH working full time, and kids needing lifts etc. so I found myself an AirBnB. Mum said the AirBnB wasn’t ‘near’ and she was worried about dad driving. It’s 4.4 miles from the cafe they drive to every day to meet friends. Paid for this, the flight and airport parking and was due to fly today.

My mum called me at 0530 today to say that Dad has been up all night with diarrhoea, and do I think it’s better I don’t come? I was floored tbh and didn’t know what to say. She said well, we’re really worried about Dad driving and think that’s why he has diarrhoea. She said we would probably have to ask you to get taxis everywhere if you come down as we can’t drive you.

They’re both active, no serious illnesses that I know of (she said they’re both very frail and ill but we FaceTime 2-3 times a week and while they seem older, they’re still active, go shopping, out with the dog etc.).

She asked me what I thought, and I expressed confusion as I don’t think the distances warrant the concern, and I said well it’s really what you think, you’ve called me with this info so close to me coming, and she said I shouldn’t push it back at her. I said I felt I had done my best to try to come to see them, within the constraints I had, and did it mean I couldn’t ever come and see them? I can’t afford a hire car on top of everything else.

It’s kind of an AIBU but I don’t want the barrage that brings! I’m feeling very rejected, and pissed off they’ve let me book everything to do this at the last minute

Lucky escape op

the visit would have been a shit show

you’ve not seen them for 10 years. They don’t seem too bothered.

Put them to the back of your mind. They failed you as parents

Taxi? It’s difficult for you but tbh I wouldn’t drive with diarrhoea .

To be honest I would just go anyway. Could they add you to the car insurance so you can do the driving ? Do they still see your brother? What does he think?

If you can't get refunds I would go. Even if you end up sitting in the b&b for the time then you know you have made the effort. You might also get more of a picture of what is going on with them. Maybe there are other relatives you can catch up with even if they don't want to see them?

It’s taxis for the whole stay, so 2 15 mile airport runs plus to and from their house to the Airbnb. Probably getting on for another £100 on top of what I’d already spent. Another £100 I don’t have.

There’s no other relatives to see, the AirBnb was on a farm so nothing to do if not seeing them. She was quite clear on the side of cancel, rather than more of a halfway point.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place here. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If it's at all possible (and assuming you can't get a refund on the flight and AirBnb at this point), then I would go. You can do one visit to them, then it's done and at least you have made the effort to see them one time.

Or perhaps go to the cafe that you know they will be going to each day, again just the once.

Then you can speak to them face to face, put any demons to bed, before going home and not bothering with them again.

There's just no pleasing some people. (And you are not the only one with difficult family so know that it's not you, it's them.)

You were expecting two 80 year olds to pick you up from airport and then ferry you around for duration of your trip? You haven't seen them for 10+ years and you couldn't be arsed to get a taxi to go see them, specially now knowing DF isn't well to You're right, it might be the last chance to see them but hey ho, priorities eh?

Which airport is it that there are no buses or trains? Bus fares have been capped at £2 as well in most places for now.

Go, make the effort because it's going to be the last time you see them most likely.

I’ve got most of a refund on the Airbnb and got the parking back. The flight was 35 so will write that off.

I’m not going. I think there could have been a discussion around this earlier, or even saying do you mind getting yourself from the airport? But there wasn’t, and it’s because they don’t want to see me. I think I knew it would kick off, as soon as she said the place I had chosen was ‘too far’ - 4 miles, they are out and about in the car all the time.

Ffs op I'm so sorry your parents are like this!. If I hadn't seen my dd for ten sodding years I'd be crawling through hot coals to see them!. It's obvious they can't be bothered. I'm so sorry x

@Madopause I'm sorry you have to deal with parents like this. Can you plan something nice for yourself with the 50ish pounds you've saved by not going ? Build a nice memory with your husband and children - your chosen family ?

At least you know where you stand with them now.

Wow thats shocking behaviour. Id most likely just totally pull back now tbh, fuck them. I'm really sorry 😞

Taxi's are neither here nor there I think, the fact is they are not dying to see you when they should be. I think you can just leave them be now. Be cordial but focus your energy on your immediate family going forward. Sorry you lost some of the money.

They were really quite clear that they had no enthusiasm for this trip whatsoever.

but you went ahead and booked anyway

You expected them to drive you around. You don’t think that after a decade of not seeing one another, a more softly softly approach would have been better ie you hire a car or get a taxi.

I think you forced the issue because you don’t want them to die without seeing them but say you’ve had a difficult relationship and you seem to doubt whatever they bloomin say about their health and generally seem frustrated and annoyed with them. Inheritance?

I think you have all had a lucky escape by this trip not going ahead

A sad post of pure indifference and rejection on behalf of the parents. You made the effort OP and you did the right thing by not going IMO.

That's it then, Facetime from now on. If you even want to do that.

If you haven't made the effort to visit in 10 years you obviously aren't too bothered either. I suspect they may be frailer and feeling the effects of age more than comes across in a facetime call.

Just get taxis. I understand they don't want to drive out of their comfort zone at that age

AS I said it has been a difficult relationship - they have very vocally made it clear I did wrong by choosing a career that took me away from where they live. There’s little work where they are, it’s a long way from anywhere but itself and most jobs are minimum wage, with property being expensive, usual second home inflated market.

From this things were always tricky. There was a period of us not speaking for a year after a phone call where mum ripped into me for an hour, my husband, my kids. They didn’t come to our wedding because they thought my husband ‘was just after a passport and the dog isn’t well’.

We ‘bothered’ going to see them, for a long time, until on the last occasion they left us to stay in a tent in 5 days of pissing rain, with 2 small kids, when at the time they had a caravanette AND a spare room (different house). They still drive around quite happily, and are out at least twice a day, every day. After that, and the horrible phone call my husband and kids didn’t really want to go, and there’s only so much AL we get from work too.

And I wasn’t going for an inheritance ffs, they live on pension credit alone in a fucking tiny park home. I send them money to help with bills. I scraped together the money for the flight etc, another £100 odd just doesn’t exist for me to magic up for taxis. I wasn’t asking for guided tours of the area, just to go and see them and give them a cuddle fgs 😞

She’s now saying it’s because their dog is old.

I can’t ‘just get the taxis’ because I do not have the money after having already spent more than I could afford on getting there and accommodation.

There is a marked lack of love and fondness from you to them and vice versa

Your frail and elderly dad is that stressed about driving to places he's not used to driving that it's made him ill. You said "it doesn't warrant concern" when they told you about this beforehand.

It's a farm air b&b so presumably country roads. Where I live people fucking fly down them, accidents all the time. I'm not surprised he's nervous.

When your mum said they think it's the nerves getting to him why didn't you say you'd get a bus from the airport?! Honestly, I can see their point here. You've not been to see them all through their 70s, they're set in their ways and have lost confidence with age.

I'm so sorry that your parents are behaving in this way.

I can see why you have cancelled. I probably would have too. It would be very upsetting to have parents who so clearly just didn't want to know. Sounds like they want to just remain in their little bubble and have as little as possible to do with the outside world.

My parents could be like that sometimes, but they would never have told me not to come, and they did come on planned visits to us when they were still able to. With them it was just that they didn't want too much disturbance to their daily routines unless planned for well in advance.

You've retrieved some money from cancelling your Airbnb so maybe use that to treat yourself a bit now.

I do get what you mean about the guilty feeling when you haven't seen them for so long, and the worry about not wanting to leave it too late. Been there and got the t-shirt. It is what it is though, and they are who they are.

Have you told them your fears, how you were looking forward to spending a bit of time with them and how you now don't know how to achieve that? I guess you probably have, but they don't sound very receptive to the feelings of others, including their own family.

Oh for gods sake.

Who said he was frail and elderly? Did you miss the part where they are out driving every single day?