Cancelled trip

[Madopause]

I’m laying in bed feeling very strange.

My elderly parents live 7+ hours from us, and I haven’t seen them in roughly 10 years. They’ve travelled to us very rarely, saying the roads are too busy. They live in a 1-bedroomed park home, so for us to go to them the costs rapidly escalate. Difficult relationship, they’ve never forgiven me for moving away from the area when I was younger to pursue a career, and I’ve always felt like the black sheep of the family. I have a brother who lives nearer them. They’ve fallen out with pretty much every relative - neither of them had spoken to their siblings for years before they died, and they now don’t speak to my sil.

They’re both early 80s and I was really getting worried that one of them might die and I wouldn’t have seen them in so long. We couldn’t afford the whole family, but I looked into flights to them and found a good deal just for me. They said I would need to stay somewhere, and put forward a b and b their friend has but it turns out she didn’t have availability. I am fairly stuck on dates between both me and DH working full time, and kids needing lifts etc. so I found myself an AirBnB. Mum said the AirBnB wasn’t ‘near’ and she was worried about dad driving. It’s 4.4 miles from the cafe they drive to every day to meet friends. Paid for this, the flight and airport parking and was due to fly today.

My mum called me at 0530 today to say that Dad has been up all night with diarrhoea, and do I think it’s better I don’t come? I was floored tbh and didn’t know what to say. She said well, we’re really worried about Dad driving and think that’s why he has diarrhoea. She said we would probably have to ask you to get taxis everywhere if you come down as we can’t drive you.

They’re both active, no serious illnesses that I know of (she said they’re both very frail and ill but we FaceTime 2-3 times a week and while they seem older, they’re still active, go shopping, out with the dog etc.).

She asked me what I thought, and I expressed confusion as I don’t think the distances warrant the concern, and I said well it’s really what you think, you’ve called me with this info so close to me coming, and she said I shouldn’t push it back at her. I said I felt I had done my best to try to come to see them, within the constraints I had, and did it mean I couldn’t ever come and see them? I can’t afford a hire car on top of everything else.

It’s kind of an AIBU but I don’t want the barrage that brings! I’m feeling very rejected, and pissed off they’ve let me book everything to do this at the last minute

Of course, there could be something in some of this, but the parents could and should have discussed anything they were less than happy about with OP when she first proposed booking her trip.

Then it wouldn't have felt so much like a rejection on the day of departure.

Doesn't sound like communication is their strongest point though.

Op said their elderly

op said worried they would die without her seeing them

they said they were too frail for it

plus - they’re in their eighties and whilst many are not frail. Many are

@Topseyt123 yes, just had a tearful phone call with mum explaining everything. She said in the call it’s partly the driving, I said well I could’ve driven on my insurance, she then said well actually it’s more that we don’t know how much longer our dog has, so we’re too stressed for a visitor. As I said upthread, they said this 22 years ago when DH and I married.

I probably do sound unloving, this is just another episode of them rejecting me, admittedly the biggest one yet. My brother and I are adopted, and I think because I’m so different from all of them, I’m just not part of things. There’s a lot of form for this, so I expect the posters giving me a kicking will say it’s my own fault for forcing a visit on them.

The op says several times that they’re still very active and there is no ill health.

My parents, also early 80s, are also out driving everyday but they likewise have become extremely uncomfortable about driving new routes or anywhere out of their comfort zone. They used to give me lifts all over the place but in the last couple of years that's really shrunk and they'll only go to very local places and a couple of well known routes further afield (by which I mean less than an hour away - they won't drive further than that now). My dad has always been the driving type and loves cars, but he's feeling his age now and tbh I wouldn't feel comfortable either if he was driving on unfamiliar roads. It's just not worth the risk. In your situation, having gone so far with the booking, I'd have gone and used cabs and sucked up the costs - or ideally have gone halves on it with them, though perhaps your parents would have refused.

Anyway, you've decided now. Perhaps you could start with the bnb next time - find available dates and go for a brief visit so that taxis won't cost so much.

They also struggle with any kind of change/disruption to routine, so even though the dog/visitors thing sounds like an excuse, it could well be genuine. After 10 years, and with all the other history, there'll be a lot of emotions and the fear kicks in. Even without all those complications, my folks got v stressed about me offering to take them out for a pub lunch. like they couldn't cope with it and all the logistical demands around it - which were truly miniscule but had them in a real state. I think when their life is so set, it can just get too much.

Yes but they say otherwise

mum has said they can’t handle visitors because of the elderly dog (who they take out, in the car, for his walk twice a day).

They could not have helped with taxis as (mentioned previously) they are very hard up (blew Dad’s pension, house equity and 2 loans on a house in Spain which is now worth next to nothing) I actually send them money when I can.

(and they go out for lunches all the time but with their DC there's a whole other emotional subtext - feeling obliged and not wanting to upset me but that becoming this pressure that turns into fixating on these details and the whole thing becoming more trouble than it's worth)

They’ve also said it’s now not about the illness/driving it’s because the dog is too old.

So maybe people should stop making excuses for them and listen to the OP when she says she feels hurt and rejected by her parents because they clearly don’t want to see her.

@Pinkdelight3 i think you’ve hit the nail on the head - it’s all of it. Although, as I’ve said, this isn’t the first time. Missing our wedding was a memorable one!

OP, you have done nothing wrong. They could easily have said when you talked about booking that they wouldn’t be able to pick you up. Posters suggesting buses - there aren’t buses from everywhere to everywhere!

And absolutely it’s all of it - if it was feeling overwhelmed last minute but most times they were welcoming, you would feel differently

My Dad was what you could have called frail and elderly. He was becoming more and more disabled with age throughout his eighties.

He was still driving right up until about a month before he died at the age of 87. At that point it was definitely time to stop driving (and he did).

Frail and elderly can refer to the issues (medical and otherwise) that often come with ageing. It doesn't necessarily mean that they can't drive, and many do.

Sounds really hard for you, so sorry. At least you know you tried and did the right thing by trying. And perhaps it's good that they were honest in the end because it seems like they can't cope with it after all this time. Maybe you could visit the general area and/or your brother next time - if there is a next time - and minimise any pressure on seeing them. But don't feel bad if you don't try again. This is the level of contact they seem able to cope with and if you need to focus on your own family closer to home, no one can blame you.

Well you've tried and they've made it clear they don't want you to visit. Leave them to it.

Don’t be dense @CoronationKicking, the point is they’re her parents and they’re not excited to see her after all this time. Can’t you see that would hurt? Don’t twist the knife further.

I think you deserve a medal for keep trying tbh.

You drew the short straw when it comes to parents. It’s very sad, but nothing changes that. I’m sure you’re loving mum to your kids. Focus on what you have. It’s them, not you.

Could you do the trip
in a day even if you just see them for a couple of hours and you get a taxi to the house?
If that doesn’t work just leave it, for whatever reason they aren’t acting as if they are desperate to see you?

I’m not going to try again. She’s made it clear that actually any visit would be too much, even if I did manage to hire a car.

When we used to visit, we would drive there, 7-8 hours, and after seeing them for some lunch, and the afternoon, she would say ‘so what are you doing for the rest of your holiday’ and would expect us just to go out all of the time, just meeting up to eat with us (at their place) a couple of times during the week we were there. This was with our 2 dc when they were young. We invited them out with us, but they never wanted to go with us. The weather was mostly horrific, we spent as much as a foreign holiday and barely saw them.

I don’t know why I even came up with the idea. During the recent call she AGAIN said ‘well, we wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t insisted on moving away’. I swear, it sometimes feels like I’m being punished for wanting a career.

"Who said he was frail and elderly? Did you miss the part where they are out driving every single day?"

Erm, the OP did

And no, they drive to the same places every day according to the OP and her mum explained they think he's been up poorly all night because of the worry about driving to unknown areas. Did you miss that bit??

"Don’t be dense @CoronationKicking, the point is they’re her parents and they’re not excited to see her after all this time. Can’t you see that would hurt?"

Dense? You're nice.

Of course it's hurtful, I'm sure her parents are hurt too. It's not nice when relations are strained. Does that mean the parents don't have a point? They said to her that they feel frail and the accommodation she'd chosen was a worry for them with the driving. The OP replied that it didn't warrant worrying about. Sounds to me like the dads worked himself up into a state.

The thing with the dog is it's easier to say that than it is to say, look, we're worried about ourselves and how we can cope. We feel limited and lack confidence but each time we try to explain that we're dismissed. Yes we drive to the cafe but we are just too old and anxious to think about trying new routes.

But yes, sorry, I'm just "dense" for thinking there might be another side to this, very sad, story.

"Posters suggesting buses - there aren’t buses from everywhere to everywhere!"

No @SheilaFentiman of course not. But there are buses and/or trains from all UK airports, even the remote ones and the OP said herself she's only travelling 15 miles to her accommodation.