Cancelled trip

[Madopause]

I’m laying in bed feeling very strange.

My elderly parents live 7+ hours from us, and I haven’t seen them in roughly 10 years. They’ve travelled to us very rarely, saying the roads are too busy. They live in a 1-bedroomed park home, so for us to go to them the costs rapidly escalate. Difficult relationship, they’ve never forgiven me for moving away from the area when I was younger to pursue a career, and I’ve always felt like the black sheep of the family. I have a brother who lives nearer them. They’ve fallen out with pretty much every relative - neither of them had spoken to their siblings for years before they died, and they now don’t speak to my sil.

They’re both early 80s and I was really getting worried that one of them might die and I wouldn’t have seen them in so long. We couldn’t afford the whole family, but I looked into flights to them and found a good deal just for me. They said I would need to stay somewhere, and put forward a b and b their friend has but it turns out she didn’t have availability. I am fairly stuck on dates between both me and DH working full time, and kids needing lifts etc. so I found myself an AirBnB. Mum said the AirBnB wasn’t ‘near’ and she was worried about dad driving. It’s 4.4 miles from the cafe they drive to every day to meet friends. Paid for this, the flight and airport parking and was due to fly today.

My mum called me at 0530 today to say that Dad has been up all night with diarrhoea, and do I think it’s better I don’t come? I was floored tbh and didn’t know what to say. She said well, we’re really worried about Dad driving and think that’s why he has diarrhoea. She said we would probably have to ask you to get taxis everywhere if you come down as we can’t drive you.

They’re both active, no serious illnesses that I know of (she said they’re both very frail and ill but we FaceTime 2-3 times a week and while they seem older, they’re still active, go shopping, out with the dog etc.).

She asked me what I thought, and I expressed confusion as I don’t think the distances warrant the concern, and I said well it’s really what you think, you’ve called me with this info so close to me coming, and she said I shouldn’t push it back at her. I said I felt I had done my best to try to come to see them, within the constraints I had, and did it mean I couldn’t ever come and see them? I can’t afford a hire car on top of everything else.

It’s kind of an AIBU but I don’t want the barrage that brings! I’m feeling very rejected, and pissed off they’ve let me book everything to do this at the last minute

They have not once given her any indication that they wanted this. Before she booked, they were very clear that it wasn’t straightforward for them. But the Op ploughed on regardless

They offered their friend’s B and B so obviously not completely against it.

But your MO on threads seems to be “anti OP” whatever the topic, so I’ll leave it there.

Look I’m not anti Op

but the op hasn’t seen them in 10 years and a poor relationship.

she suggests a visit out of guilt rather than actually wanting to see them

They immediately start with obstacles. OP ignores and books.

On the one hand the Op is worried about feeling guilty if they die without seeing them, on the other hand she point blank refuses to believe her elderly parents when they say they are worried about driving further than normal (totally normal).

They have obviously been very poor parents, and I feel for the Op.

but this was not going to go any other way

Oh well save your £100 that is far more important that seeing your 80-odd year old parents after ten years.

No seriously, my FIL is early 80s and guess what, he doesn’t want to drive these days! Is it that hard to understand this.

I can understand they don’t want to drive at their age but should have been more upfront about it.

@Banditdog You can't save money you don't have.

Mum said the AirBnB wasn’t ‘near’ and she was worried about dad driving. It’s 4.4 miles from the cafe they drive to every day to meet friends.

The mum expressed concern before the Op booked.

but the op concluded it was unreasonable and so went ahead and booked regardless

I know quite a lot of people still happily driving at that age. If they didn't want to do it, they should have said so at the time, not let the OP book everything and then invent a trumped-up excuse at the last minute. Diarrhoea my foot.

They did express concern about the driving before OP booked but in the immediate sentence after this… the OP says she paid and booked ie the OP thought… bugger that, I’m coming and they can drive

Mum said the AirBnB wasn’t ‘near’ and she was worried about dad driving. It’s 4.4 miles from the cafe they drive to every day to meet friends. Paid for this, the flight and airport parking and was due to fly today.

op totally ignored mother

If you were 80 and hadn't seen your daughter for ten years, she was travelling hundreds of miles to come and see you and was staying four miles away from where you live, would you make the effort to drive that four miles? Because I know I would. I'd move heaven and earth to make sure I could see her.

Time to let go I think, you have done what you can.
It is not going to change.
They are stuck in their ways and you are just setting yourself up for more rejection. Write off the money and spend the time with your children and husband.

@tailinthejam there's a big difference in doing same journey, a familiar route, day in and out (the daily cafe trip, for example) to going to an airport and trying to find unfamiliar accommodation, running OP around for duration of her stay because she's made it very clear she's gome to great expense, time and effort to visit and absolutely won't be sparing any extra money, time or effort in arranging taxis or public transport.
Parents did express concerns. Parents did try say they wouldn't be comfortable. OP went ahead and booked anyway.
Parents might be absolute dreadful parents, have no interest in entertaining OP because all of a sudden, after 10 years, she's decided it's time to go visit in case they pass away before she could be bothered to bother.
Parents might he hiding a lot about declining health, finances, state of their own accommodation and feel that they know OP has only arranged visit out of duty, not desire to actually see them.
Maybe dad is really ill and mum is struggling to look after him in a small one bed on her own, unable to drive herself, and doesn't want OP to see them like that.
Who knows? But if you're happy assuming they're dreadful people who hate their daughter and would lie about having diohrrea to avoid seeing her, then that's your right. You could have just said that. Absolutely no need to copy/quote my comment at all.

@Madopause If I was you I'd back out of this thread, a lot of people don't seem to understand how toxic parents (even elderly parents) can be. You tried, you did your best. They were not nice or accommodating. They could have offered you stay the one night on their sofa to avoid journeys. They didn't.

Take care of yourself, and your husband, and your children.

@Madopause I think you did a right thing to cancel, at best they were not bothered either way, at worst they did not want to see you. Even IF driving was an issue they would have said so before but they didn't - so it was likely a last minute excuse.

I have had a very similar case in the family - a mother literally told her daughter she would NOT come and visit her if the daughter was seriously ill because it was daughter's choice to move far away.... some people are just awful, and there's nothing we can do about it

Just to be clear, @TuesandThursNero the events ran as follows:

I asked them would it be ok if just I came to see them, by plane to save time.

They said yes, absolutely, how lovely, stay at our friend’s B and B

2 hours later: Friend doesn’t have space then, could you come (all midweek days, meaning more AL and overlapping work commitments booked months ago. BTW, friend is £80 a night

Me: shall I have a look to see if I can find anything around St Austell? Yes! Good idea

I find something, check it is as near as I can whilst also affordable, book it

2 days later: There’s another B and B over the road to our friend’s. It’s £120 a night but she could ask for a discount. I say I’ve booked following our last conversation. Also now booked time off work, a flight and parking. They now ask where my accommodation is and immediately say it’s a long way (I’d looked on map and googled and it is 2 mins drive from the Gardens they visit regularly.

This morning they suggest I don’t come. I did NOT plough ahead over their misgivings, I was NOT just doing this for me, this came about because I wanted to see them, for once had a few quid combined with a window that was not consumed with my work, DH work or kids’ commitments. We haven’t been for 10 years because we had been made to feel so unwelcome previously, because for a year we weren’t speaking after mum verbally laying into me, me having a heart attack and subsequent ongoing treatment, and Covid. I’ve recently had another cardiac procedure which mum had commented she wished she could give me a cuddle, when were they going to see me.

So, No, this was not me forcing myself upon them. I honestly don’t think some of you have read all my posts.

And do you know what, IF I had the money, and had gone with buses/hire car, I guarantee there would have been another reason put in place. I hope neither of them are seriously ill, whenever we talk we discuss any doctors visits, quite often they ask me for help getting things sorted. I know how they’re living, we both wander around our houses/gardens when FaceTiming.

They.just.don’t.want.to.see.me. 🫤

@Dontbelieveaword my first post does not say I booked the accommodation after they’d expressed concerns, it just says it was all booked. They didn’t express concerns for 2 days.

and where in my post did I say my mum doesn’t drive? Sounds like you know them and don’t have the actual timeline. I could screenshot the time stamps and messages on WhatsApp to prove to you, but I shouldn’t have to.

I said 'maybe' mum doesn't drive. It all says 'maybe'. I even said 'maybe' they were awful parents. I could screenshot it for you if you want??

Your parents sound very odd. I’m afraid there isn’t much you can do about them.

At least you tried. And at least now you know, that it isn’t in your imagination or something that you’ve done.

have you discussed this with your brother? What does he make of this? It sounds like they actively try to push people away. Falling out with lots of people in your family, over time, for different reasons is a red flag.

and you can also be assured you made the right decision moving away. These people would probably have engineered a fall out with you if you’d stayed in your hometown and not followed your career.