Cancelled trip

[Madopause]

I’m laying in bed feeling very strange.

My elderly parents live 7+ hours from us, and I haven’t seen them in roughly 10 years. They’ve travelled to us very rarely, saying the roads are too busy. They live in a 1-bedroomed park home, so for us to go to them the costs rapidly escalate. Difficult relationship, they’ve never forgiven me for moving away from the area when I was younger to pursue a career, and I’ve always felt like the black sheep of the family. I have a brother who lives nearer them. They’ve fallen out with pretty much every relative - neither of them had spoken to their siblings for years before they died, and they now don’t speak to my sil.

They’re both early 80s and I was really getting worried that one of them might die and I wouldn’t have seen them in so long. We couldn’t afford the whole family, but I looked into flights to them and found a good deal just for me. They said I would need to stay somewhere, and put forward a b and b their friend has but it turns out she didn’t have availability. I am fairly stuck on dates between both me and DH working full time, and kids needing lifts etc. so I found myself an AirBnB. Mum said the AirBnB wasn’t ‘near’ and she was worried about dad driving. It’s 4.4 miles from the cafe they drive to every day to meet friends. Paid for this, the flight and airport parking and was due to fly today.

My mum called me at 0530 today to say that Dad has been up all night with diarrhoea, and do I think it’s better I don’t come? I was floored tbh and didn’t know what to say. She said well, we’re really worried about Dad driving and think that’s why he has diarrhoea. She said we would probably have to ask you to get taxis everywhere if you come down as we can’t drive you.

They’re both active, no serious illnesses that I know of (she said they’re both very frail and ill but we FaceTime 2-3 times a week and while they seem older, they’re still active, go shopping, out with the dog etc.).

She asked me what I thought, and I expressed confusion as I don’t think the distances warrant the concern, and I said well it’s really what you think, you’ve called me with this info so close to me coming, and she said I shouldn’t push it back at her. I said I felt I had done my best to try to come to see them, within the constraints I had, and did it mean I couldn’t ever come and see them? I can’t afford a hire car on top of everything else.

It’s kind of an AIBU but I don’t want the barrage that brings! I’m feeling very rejected, and pissed off they’ve let me book everything to do this at the last minute

That is possibly the hardest reach I’ve ever seen.

Are you the OP’s mum?

No, of course not 🙄. I take it you don't know many elderly people @LiliLil

@CoronationKicking

I think you might have the luck of having loving reasonable parents.

It is slowly soul destroying and traumatic to have parents who put the entire weight of maintaining a relationship on their children. OP has said this is not new - they did not come to her wedding FFS. It is soul destroying to never be able to "please" your parents and to feel like a permanent hassle for them. The feeling of being unwanted by your parents is horrific, at whatever age. And even if you know in the back of your mind, realizing you are the very very last of their priorities and that however much you try you're just an inconvenience to them is heartbreaking.
Just because they are in their 80's does not mean they get a pass at being bad, uncaring parents who would let their daughter book a trip to see them and then get her to cancel over minor details - also, it does not seem that their behavior is new.

Sounds really tough OP but I think for your own mental health its time to accept that they just don't want to see you and start withdrawing. You know you have done everything you can to facilitate a visit.

Its sounds really tough OP.

On a side note, its obvious from your posts that you a struggling with the cost of living. Why are you giving money to your parents, who arent willing to take time to see you?

I know plenty, but that’s irrelevant isn’t it?

Based on what the OP has said, it’s pretty obvious that her parents don’t want to see her. You are determined to brush over that and make excuses for a couple you don’t know based purely on their age and ignoring the back story.

I assume you don’t know many people with toxic family members.

Why are you desperately trying to make excuses for them?

Where did I say they get a pass? I said there are 2 sides to it and acknowledge that the situation is sad all round.

"On a side note, its obvious from your posts that you a struggling with the cost of living. Why are you giving money to your parents, who arent willing to take time to see you?"

I agree with this, don't send them money when you are short yourself! At least you can put an end to that now.

I understand OP, my mum gets herself all kinds of worked up for the same things your parents have. However they would never cancel a visit and would definitely attend my wedding.
They don’t want to see you, and have obviously done the same sort of stuff and used the same excuses on everyone around them since you are the only one that talks to them.
Its your choice to send them money-they don’t deserve it but you must feel obligated in some way.

@CoronationKicking actually my mum said they were frail and unwell. For the first time, this morning. Until then they regularly chat about how spritely they are.

I wasn’t dismissive to them when they mentioned the accommodation being far. I said that here. I said nothing to them because I know the Gardens they visit and I pay for their membership for are not 2 mins from where the AirBnB is.

The dog thing is a running theme. Not sure if you read my previous post, but their dog always takes precedence - including letting their grandchildren sleeping in a tent in days of torrential rain, because the dog sleeps in the spare room. (Previous house).

OP have you ever had a look at the Stately Homes threads?

It might help in some way to know that you are not alone regarding difficult or toxic parents.

Except she hasn't seen them for 10 years and I doubt very much if they're all phoning each other for chats and updates

OP - the more you post the more it’s becoming understandable why you may not want to visit them again. You don’t have to explain your choice to anyone. You are entitled to feel your feelings. It sounds like it’s not only about their current behaviour which, at least partly, may be attributable to their old age and everything that comes with it. There is a long history of them being self- centred and seeing children as either ‘useful’ or ‘not useful’.
Your parents are not going to change. Focus on your children and your DP. It’s ok to do so.

I'd give up now OP and stop sending them money. I'm really sorry as it must feel absolutely shit.

They FaceTime 2-3 times a week. It’s right there in the OP’s first post.

Just stop OP. Stop sending money too. Live your life, with your DC. You have moved on.

It sounds like it would have been better to hire a car at the airport and stay at a Premier Inn or similar en route from the airport to your parents house. I understand why you would like to see them. Unless you see them walking around etc during face time it's hard to understand how frail they are. It would also be an opportunity to gauge the next step eg one of them dies or is incapacitated. Is there good nhs/social services support that kind of thing. Is your brother able to visit and provide hands-on support. You don't want to feel guilty being so far away.

@CovertImage i say in one of my posts we FaceTime regularly.

@MidgeHardcastle i did what I could with the money I have available. The Airbnb is half the price of a PremierInn where they are, and I don’t have the money to hire a car (and yes, I looked into all of this before booking anything, and discussed it with them!)

Do whatever you will feel happier you did if one of them dies next week.

No judgement on you going or not, it’s really what you feel is the right thing for you in the circumstances.

Ouch, OP, that was hurtful of them to you, yet again.
Please stop sending them money.
If they are struggling, well perhaps they should walk the dog without taking it out in the car, so using less fuel. For starters.
If you're not in a position to stump up for hire cars and taxis (and not everyone can do this) then please keep your hard earned pay for you.

Ah OP, I feel for you. My DH's dad and step mum are a bit like this (his DM has passed away sadly). We do go up to see them once a year or so but all the effort has to come from DH - they have never been down to visit us other than briefly in the daytime for our wedding and have never been to our home, which DH has lived in now for seven years (we've been together five years). His dad constantly reinforces 'boundaries' when we do visit, completely unnecessarily IMO (specifying that we need to make our own way to their house - which we were already planning to do - specifying strict times and days that they would be available to meet or would be willing to provide dinner, reiterating when we need to leave by as soon as we arrive etc). I think it's just that they're so set in their ways but it really feels so unwelcoming. DH is also adopted and very different to his dad and I know it cuts deep partly because of that, like he's always seeking his dad's approval. It makes it worse that my parents are very much open house/always welcome types which makes the contrast more stark.

No advice really, but you're not alone!

I wouldn't be expecting 80 year olds to pick me up from the airport or drive me around, so I'd expect to pay for taxis and would have factored that in before booking to see whether I could afford it all. So I don't think they are being unreasonable about the not driving around thing.
However, the rest of it paints a different picture. I think they don't really want you there OP, sorry. That must be very hard for you. They've rejected you on several occasions, made you feel unwelcome, and resented you moving away for work. I think you have to make peace with the situation as it is - keep facetiming then. Don't send them money if you can't afford it. But don't make another attempt to visit them as it's too expensive and they haven't treated you wellon previous visits either.

Not the same situation but my parents used 'the dog' as an excuse to never invite us to visit & we're only a few miles away.
I got fed up of feeling unwelcome & decided to wait until I was invited.
That was 18 years ago.
My dm would visit our homes but there was never an invite back. Eventually I stopped inviting her to mine although my dsis will still invite her.
The dog died a good few years ago but it changed nothing!
Some parents are cold, unwelcoming, obsessed with routine & just downright odd.

You really, really, really do sound dense. Actually you sound spiteful and making shit up to be cruel to the OP. Why?