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Original poster

Claire’s Law

86 replies

Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:29

Hi

I’m new here! I’m wondering if anyone can help me please?

Im 23, a single mum to a 3 year old boy. There was issues with DV with his Dad and we had to live in a women’s refuge for almost a year before we was moved areas and started a new life.

We are settled and happy now and safe too and over the last 4/6 months I have been dating someone new. I haven’t introduced him to my son yet as it’s too soon but I had some concerns from what I was told by mutual friends (been told he was horrible to his ex off some people and others have said she was a liar and made things up about him) and by him (he told me his mum has a restraining order against him and he was on tag in the past but won’t tell me what for).

So, because of my history with my sons dad, and this information, I decided to do a Clare’s Law disclosure. I filled in an online form almost 3 weeks ago now but I haven’t heard a single thing since then.

Does this mean that it’s good news and they don’t have any concerns? Or will it just take a while longer? Also does anyone know if the police will contact me either way- for example if they have nothing to disclose to me will they ring me to tell me they have nothing to disclose or will I just not hear anything?

I do really like him and I’m wanting to take the next step ie introducing him to my son, but I wanted to know about the Claire’s law before I did this so I can make sure my son isn’t put through any more trauma and disruption.

Many Thanks :)

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 22:33

Why do you like someone who has had a tag and had a restraining order against him? Raise your bar op, he sounds like a wrongun

LumpySpaceCow · 10/05/2023 22:36

They should contact you either way - is there a phone number on the form you could ring? Or ring 101 to see if they can help.
However, read the warning signs - you've heard he's not great, his own mum even had a restraining order and he's been on tag. I wouldn't be continuing a relationship with him.

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:36

He is 25 now, and this happened when he was 16 so nearly 10 years ago, he’s a lovely person to be around and I have had no issues with the way he is to me and treats me. I think everyone has a history and has done things that haven’t been the best but I’d like to think he has changed since he was 16 but ofc I just want to make sure of this, for mine and my sons safety and peace :)

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 10/05/2023 22:36

You really like and trust someone who won't tell you why he's been tagged and received a RO from his parents? And considering introducing him to your DC? You're making this up, right?

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 22:37

Have you done the freedom programme or had any counselling after your last relationship?

Dontbelieveaword · 10/05/2023 22:39

Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:36

He is 25 now, and this happened when he was 16 so nearly 10 years ago, he’s a lovely person to be around and I have had no issues with the way he is to me and treats me. I think everyone has a history and has done things that haven’t been the best but I’d like to think he has changed since he was 16 but ofc I just want to make sure of this, for mine and my sons safety and peace :)

Yes, we all have a past. Yes, we've all done things we're not proud of and have all upset our parents in some way, shape or form as teenagers. But to the point they needed an RO? And then refuse to tell you under what circumstances?

Houseupdate · 10/05/2023 22:39

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 22:33

Why do you like someone who has had a tag and had a restraining order against him? Raise your bar op, he sounds like a wrongun

This. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who refuses to tell you the truth.

How long between leaving your ex and your new relationship starting? Have you done the freedom program?

BarbieGirl999 · 10/05/2023 22:39

Too many red flags OP. If his own mum doesn't feel safe with him, what chance do you have?

Shitsville123 · 10/05/2023 22:39

He won't be truthful with you. That's not acceptable OP. Don't waste your time with him.

lunar1 · 10/05/2023 22:40

There are so many people out there who never had a tag and never had a restraining order against them.

Want better for your child. There is no universe where this man is worth the risk.

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:41

As I have just said, I believe some things do just happen, I myself ran with a wrong crowd at the age of 15 and was arrested and placed on community service for graffiti on a wall, was told I would be put on tag if I didn’t abide my community service. Since then I have gone back to college, had my son, got my forever home and am starting university doing nursing in September so no. I’m not joking. No I didn’t do the freedom programme as it was full up in my area I’m actually still on the list to do that waiting to hear. I currently have a counselor who I see every 2 weeks :)

OP posts:
goinginsaneinthemembrane · 10/05/2023 22:43

Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:41

As I have just said, I believe some things do just happen, I myself ran with a wrong crowd at the age of 15 and was arrested and placed on community service for graffiti on a wall, was told I would be put on tag if I didn’t abide my community service. Since then I have gone back to college, had my son, got my forever home and am starting university doing nursing in September so no. I’m not joking. No I didn’t do the freedom programme as it was full up in my area I’m actually still on the list to do that waiting to hear. I currently have a counselor who I see every 2 weeks :)

Don't you think he would've told you if it was something like graffiti?

He isn't being honest with you, you don't trust him, I don't know why you're wanting to introduce your child to him and have potentially another dangerous man in your child's life.

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:46

goinginsaneinthemembrane · 10/05/2023 22:43

Don't you think he would've told you if it was something like graffiti?

He isn't being honest with you, you don't trust him, I don't know why you're wanting to introduce your child to him and have potentially another dangerous man in your child's life.

Show quote history

I thought I made it clear I wanted to take the necessary precautions before I considered introducing him to my son, as he is my first priority and always has been and always will be. That’s why I have done the Claire’s law application as my sons dad was 10/10 on paper, worked in a hospital, had his own house at 18, had a loving mum and dad, and look how that turned out. Turned out he had previous but I didn’t know about Claire’s law back then that’s why I am wanting to do this and if they tell me he has any history of abuse or anything I will cut ties immediately.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 10/05/2023 22:46

Have you told your boyfriend about your past? Did you have any qualms about telling him about your past or did you just tell him you'd been in trouble with police in the past but I'm not going to tell you why, I'm going to just let you sit there and guess and worry if you're safe enough to have me in your and your DC life? You're being awfully naive. Not about people having pasts, but to look past the secrecy. Even if police come back and say he has all clear, he's still keeping secrets from you

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:50

Dontbelieveaword · 10/05/2023 22:46

Have you told your boyfriend about your past? Did you have any qualms about telling him about your past or did you just tell him you'd been in trouble with police in the past but I'm not going to tell you why, I'm going to just let you sit there and guess and worry if you're safe enough to have me in your and your DC life? You're being awfully naive. Not about people having pasts, but to look past the secrecy. Even if police come back and say he has all clear, he's still keeping secrets from you

Yes I told him about my past and that’s when he said about his. That he didn’t stick to his community service at 16 and was placed on tag and that his mum took a restraining order against him, I asked him why what happened and he said he didn’t want to talk about that as it’s all in the past. I think in my head I don’t want to constantly see every man as bad just because of my ex. I want to give him a chance but at the same time I am scared too, hence doing the Claire’s law.

OP posts:
CaribbeanCupcake · 10/05/2023 22:50

It's around a month for you to get a response and if you are in imminent danger they will do face to face via an officer. You should get a response either way but no harm in calling 101 to chase it up

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:51

CaribbeanCupcake · 10/05/2023 22:50

It's around a month for you to get a response and if you are in imminent danger they will do face to face via an officer. You should get a response either way but no harm in calling 101 to chase it up

Great thank you! So I hopefully should head either way in the next week or two!

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/05/2023 22:57

Have you met his mother? Or are they still estranged?

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 22:59

GrazingSheep · 10/05/2023 22:57

Have you met his mother? Or are they still estranged?

They’re estranged. I’ve met the rest of his family. His sisters and brother and auntie, I don’t believe any of them speak to their mum. I didn’t want to pry with them for the reasoning why as we was at a family party thing.

OP posts:
CaribbeanCupcake · 10/05/2023 22:59

@Bec199923 yeah I would have thought so. If you don't, chase it up anyway, just to make sure it's been looked at and give you piece of mind

Dontbelieveaword · 10/05/2023 23:00

But it doesn't matter if your query comes back clear, he's still lying to you. Why? The old 'I don't want to drag up the past, it upsets me' shit is exactly that - shit. You've already heard rumours he was treating his ex badly. She may never have formally reported it so he may not have a record for DV.
Yes, you have every right not to suspect every man you meet of being abusive, but there are too many red flags here. And a negative Claires law request is not going to prove his ex (or his mum) was lying.
Sorry, I know you don't want to hear it, but this is not a good relationship to put yourself or DC in.

LondonLovie · 10/05/2023 23:01

"was on tag in the past but won’t tell me what for)". And you want to introduce him to your son. Jesus.

Original poster
Bec199923 · 10/05/2023 23:03

Dontbelieveaword · 10/05/2023 23:00

But it doesn't matter if your query comes back clear, he's still lying to you. Why? The old 'I don't want to drag up the past, it upsets me' shit is exactly that - shit. You've already heard rumours he was treating his ex badly. She may never have formally reported it so he may not have a record for DV.
Yes, you have every right not to suspect every man you meet of being abusive, but there are too many red flags here. And a negative Claires law request is not going to prove his ex (or his mum) was lying.
Sorry, I know you don't want to hear it, but this is not a good relationship to put yourself or DC in.

It’s not that I don’t want to hear it. I came on here for advice at the end of the day and that’s what I got. I just feel a little bit like some posters are having a go at me and calling me stupid when at the end of the day I just want what’s best for my son and after everything I have been through, and the way my new bf treats me I thought that I could finally have a chance at being happy, but off these comments that doesn’t seem likely. I think I will just cut ties with him anyway as clearly I’m the one in the wrong here and focus on UNI and my son. Thank you for your advice :) xx

OP posts:
technotstarnotechstar · 10/05/2023 23:04

I think you have an uneasy feeling and you are letting the Claire s Law result make a decision for you, rather than listening to your own instinct. Listen to your gut feeling, not to the excuses your brain makes to your gut response.

Devonshiregal · 10/05/2023 23:10

Hang on… forget the tag, forget his own mother having a restraining order against him. Forget that yes sometimes shit happens when you’re young and people change. HE IS BEING UNTRUTHFUL AND NOT OPEN OR UP FRONT WITH YOU. That is what matters. THAT is enough to prove already he is not a trustworthy man.

as a PP said, raise your bar