Claire’s Law

[Bec199923]

Hi

I’m new here! I’m wondering if anyone can help me please?

Im 23, a single mum to a 3 year old boy. There was issues with DV with his Dad and we had to live in a women’s refuge for almost a year before we was moved areas and started a new life.

We are settled and happy now and safe too and over the last 4/6 months I have been dating someone new. I haven’t introduced him to my son yet as it’s too soon but I had some concerns from what I was told by mutual friends (been told he was horrible to his ex off some people and others have said she was a liar and made things up about him) and by him (he told me his mum has a restraining order against him and he was on tag in the past but won’t tell me what for).

So, because of my history with my sons dad, and this information, I decided to do a Clare’s Law disclosure. I filled in an online form almost 3 weeks ago now but I haven’t heard a single thing since then.

Does this mean that it’s good news and they don’t have any concerns? Or will it just take a while longer? Also does anyone know if the police will contact me either way- for example if they have nothing to disclose to me will they ring me to tell me they have nothing to disclose or will I just not hear anything?

I do really like him and I’m wanting to take the next step ie introducing him to my son, but I wanted to know about the Claire’s law before I did this so I can make sure my son isn’t put through any more trauma and disruption.

Many Thanks :)

OP, most abusers start off lovely and treat you wonderfully, then when their feet are under the table, they change. Don't let history repeat itself. He's not worth the risk. Eliminate all doubt, spend time being alone and working on your boundaries then find someone that has never been on tag or had a RO against them.

Your son needs you to make good choices. This isn't one

I never called you a I'm not sure I've seen anyone else say that either. We've all got your best interests at heart and the consensus is that there's something not right here.
Pp is right, all abusers are bloody lovely to start, of course they are. How do you think they worm themselves in partner's lives, hearts, families and homes?
You sound like you've done an amazing job getting yourself out of a dangerous situation, have worked bloody hard at college and work,got yourself a lovely home for your family and brilliant prospects for the future. Its so admirable and all we want is to see you don't fall into the same trap as before. I only wish the best for you and if my replies came across as harsh, I apologise. They weren't meant maliciously at all.

Once you've been in one abusive relationship you are at increased risk of having another abusive partner.

This means you need to be extra careful, take things slow and when you see red flags, don't proceed.

He's estranged from his
Mother, has been tagged and you have been told her wasn't nice to his ex. That's three red flags.

You can find someone kinder, nicer and most importantly SAFER for you and your child.

You have a choice who you let into your life but your child doesn’t. You have already shown great courage escaping DV and keeping your child safe and now a bright future nursing. Your little lad has already experienced a traumatic start to his life, please don’t risk everything you have achieved so far on someone like this. Your gut is telling you something is not quite right, hence doing Claire’s law. You both deserve someone you can trust and your lad needs a positive male role model in his life. You can choose to find someone like this, you can choose to be single, or you can choose the bloke you are seeing now whose own mum got a RO against him…….

@Bec199923 first of all I want to applaud you for having the strength to leave your sons dad and get out of that situation. You also recognise the dangers and haven't introduced your son, and are looking closer at your new DP.

Have you done anything else to help you recognise unsafe behaviours such as freedom programme? I'd really recommend it and stay away from dating until you do. Claires law is great, but not everything is reported and its much better to be able to identify the red flags and worrying patterns of behaviour yourself.

I can't comment on your new partner. Clearly he has a past. To some extent a stupid deal when he was 16 doesn't mean he's a bad person now, but if you're being told bad things about him from many people at many stages of his life - well theres no smoke without a fire. The fact hes outright told you about his restraining order is good, the fact he won't tell you about it is bad. He should know you need to keep your son safe and you need to know everything to make an informed decision to protect him.

Personally, I'd cool it off and focus on yourself. If you decide to continue the relationship, I'd strongly encourage you don't introduce to your son for a very long time.

You and your lovely boy deserve so much more 💐

come on op !! Believe in yourself & don’t waste your life on this type of a man

Hell be lovely until he's not!! See the red flags and run for the hills. Everyone makes mistakes but it's a pretty massive mistake for your own mum to have a restraining order against you at any age

Op you are high risk for succumbing to a another DV relationship. Men like this prey on weak women and they ALWAYS start out "lovely". You said yourself your child's Dad started out "perfect".
Please start reading some of the awful stories that have been in the news lately.
How would it make you feel if he killed your child? Yes, I'm using an EXTREME and horrible example because these things happen on a DAILY BASIS to people who thought their partner would "never go that far". He's already given you major red flags.
RUN. A . MILE.
And definitely try and do the Freedom programme before you consider any further relationships. I genuinely wish you the best x

I did a Claire's law check at the tail end of 2021. It took over a year for a call back, I have no idea why it took so long as I believe it's usually weeks.

They had information to disclose.

I thankfully had split with the man. I told them this and they asked all kids of questions about financial ties or if there were children involved so presume it was serious. As I had no ties with him the information wasn't disclosed.

This was all based on a funny feeling one night that from then on I just couldn't shake.

Please wait for a call - they will call either way - before you introduce this man to your child. No matter how long it takes.

Posters are telling you you’re stupid because despite the trauma from your last relationship, you are in a relationship with someone who you feel the need to make a Clare’s law request.

Your standards should be higher, especially when you have a little child to protect. I have NEVER needed to do a Clare’s law on any partner. I’d end a relationship before that point anyway.

If it comes back clear, you’ll just take that as acceptable that he poses no risk to you or your child? Despite his own mother having a restraining order against him? And despite his inability to be honest with you? And despite hearing about how badly he treated his ex?

Thats why people wonder if you’re making it up - it sounds ridiculous

Also, you’ve done SO WELL getting away from your last situation. Your gut instinct should be enough for you to call this off - your gut instinct is telling you that he might be a risk to you and/or your child.

There are so many women in the news this week who have been killed at the hands of their partners. It’s heartbreaking. Don’t be a statistic. Trust your gut, rather than a potential piece of paper

Restraining orders on your own child do NOT "just happen".

Listen to what you're saying. Not only are you accepting him lying to you, you're already minimising his actions and trying to make it out like whatever he did wasn't his fault and "just happened".

You're setting yourself up for another shitty relationship and potentially failing your child. Do better for your son.

Hang on… forget the tag, forget his own mother having a restraining order against him. Forget that yes sometimes shit happens when you’re young and people change. HE IS BEING UNTRUTHFUL AND NOT OPEN OR UP FRONT WITH YOU. That is what matters. THAT is enough to prove already he is not a trustworthy man.

This, with bells on.

Your past relationship has made you vigilant, that is not a bad thing. Claire’s Law can’t tell you everything and I fear that you think it will. Just because he isn’t your Ex doesn’t mean he’s worthy of being around you or your son. Him not being upfront about his past to a woman with a child who has suffered abuse in her past, is a man not mature enough to put your needs above his wants.

Yes op many people do have a past however there are many people who's pasts don't involve restraining orders and criminal offences. You need to step away from this relationship now if you want to put your child first.

Oh dear, OP, he is bad news and you know it. You said your ex was 10/10 on paper - well this one doesn’t even sound good on paper so why risk it when you worked so hard to escape abuse? And he’s not even honest with you.

You sound very kind and non judgmental OP, which is a wonderful quality.
But the best advice I ever got was "don't judge someone by your own standards".
In this case, because you've worked hard to turn your life into a better place, don't presume everyone else with a past has.
But amazing that you're doing CL and you're having counselling etc! You sound very focused on not making the same mistake and I can only applaud that.

Definitely chase it up next week, these things you have to push for!

my SIL was seeing a man who had more red flags than a ski slope and she introduced him to her young DC, I begged her to do Claire law as his history was actually what I'd class as, "fucking terrifying", that was just with what he told her.
Anyway she wouldn't do it, or give me details and he started to be a total arsehole to our nephews and nieces and they begged their mum to stop seeing him. She never. So DP asked some friends to do some digging and we heard some shocking stories. SiL didn't want to believe them. Took this fella sparking her after her being love bombed to pieces for her to leave and that was because DP said he was reporting her to SS and he said we'd be getting the kids with us.
SiL is very vulnerable and not the sharpest knife in the block.
This happened within a few months and I'm not even sure a CL check would have been back before this which is so so sad.

For starters the freedom programme runs every 12 weeks, there is no way it's been full for the 18?Months or more since you were placed in a refuge.
Secondly you are the perfect example of someone who NEEDS to complete it. Before embarking on any further relationships.

You're main duty is to protect your child, I don't believe you're doing so right now, harsh as that may sound, as you're in a relationship with someone who definitely has had issues with past relationships and that you felt the need to Claire's Law about.

Please take a step back and work on yourself, from someone who learnt from making similar mistakes xx

Your own mum having a restraining order is the biggest red flag I've ever heard! You don't need Claire's law OP!?

It’s not that I don’t want to hear it. I came on here for advice at the end of the day and that’s what I got. I just feel a little bit like some posters are having a go at me and calling me stupid when at the end of the day I just want what’s best for my son and after everything I have been through, and the way my new bf treats me I thought that I could finally have a chance at being happy, but off these comments that doesn’t seem likely. I think I will just cut ties with him anyway as clearly I’m the one in the wrong here and focus on UNI and my son. Thank you for your advice :) xx

He's admitted his own family needed a restraining order but won't tell you why. He has admitted he was "on a tag". That's just what he has told you. You were told he was abusive to an ex-partner and concerned enough to need to ask for a Claire's Law disclosure. That fact you've felt the need to do that tells you everything you need to know.

What part of this makes you feel that this is an ideal man to be around you and your son, or for him to get to know?

Why of all the possible men, when your son has already been through so much, would you choose a man like this?

Do you honestly think it will end well, even if the disclosure comes back blank because he hasn't yet been convicted of anything that will show up on it? Do you have a desire for you or your son to appear on the next disclosure?

Sorry to be harsh but you must understand that clearly after what's happened to you, you have poor boundaries otherwise you would not have entertained getting involved with a man like this. From his perspective you will be walking around with a neon sign on your head saying you are vulnerable.

End this. Focus on your son and sorting your own life out. Wait for space on the Freedom Programme and don't have any relationships again for a few years at least until you know that you have got past your trauma and have appropriate boundaries that will keep your son safe.

Take it very slowly, see him once or twice a week, do not introduce him to your son for at least a year. Don't let him move in with you. Wait until you've got the Claire's report to decide this.

Do you mean Clare's Law?

It's pretty fucking obvious what she means.

Clare's law is fantastic. However, I personally think that if you are in a position where you're having to consider using Clare's law, then you already know enough to know that you shouldn't be in the relationship.

Why?? Why on earth should she put herself or her child in that position? So this man can have a 'second chance'? She doesn't owe him anything. Herself and her child on the other hand...

he told me his mum has a restraining order against him and he was on tag in the past but won’t tell me what for

This would be enough for me!

All abusers are lovely to start off with or they'd never have a relationship in which to be abusive.

Do you honestly feel better for typing this out?

It couldn't be more obvious what she means.