Claire’s Law

[Bec199923]

Hi

I’m new here! I’m wondering if anyone can help me please?

Im 23, a single mum to a 3 year old boy. There was issues with DV with his Dad and we had to live in a women’s refuge for almost a year before we was moved areas and started a new life.

We are settled and happy now and safe too and over the last 4/6 months I have been dating someone new. I haven’t introduced him to my son yet as it’s too soon but I had some concerns from what I was told by mutual friends (been told he was horrible to his ex off some people and others have said she was a liar and made things up about him) and by him (he told me his mum has a restraining order against him and he was on tag in the past but won’t tell me what for).

So, because of my history with my sons dad, and this information, I decided to do a Clare’s Law disclosure. I filled in an online form almost 3 weeks ago now but I haven’t heard a single thing since then.

Does this mean that it’s good news and they don’t have any concerns? Or will it just take a while longer? Also does anyone know if the police will contact me either way- for example if they have nothing to disclose to me will they ring me to tell me they have nothing to disclose or will I just not hear anything?

I do really like him and I’m wanting to take the next step ie introducing him to my son, but I wanted to know about the Claire’s law before I did this so I can make sure my son isn’t put through any more trauma and disruption.

Many Thanks :)

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like he's hiding some pretty major bad stuff. My DS recently interviewed a very good candidate for a position at his work place and everything was going great. The guy was lovely, well qualified and capable but when it got to the 'any questions etc' bit at the end the guy said "By law I have to tell you this" and then proceeded to detail that he'd just been released from prison after being inside for 10 years. He stated that he had served half of sentence, wore a tag and would do so for the next 15 years. He also said that he was on the sex offenders register for life and that he had been convicted of multiple rapes and assaults against many women - this person is in his mid twenties. What shocked DS was the way he seemed to be everything they wanted in an employee and played this to perfection. Obviously he wasn't given the job (because of there being women on site working in isolated areas etc)

My point is that you potential partner seems plausible and right for you. He is manufacturing this front - what you see is not the real person. Have you completed The Freedom Programme OP? If not then please do it as you come across as vulnerable and that makes YOU an easy mark. You are worth more.

Hope you can now go about your normal business happily, knowing you've done your 'I'm a prick' duty for the day. Give yourself a gold star and a lollipop and go tell mummy you're ready for a nap because you've tired your tiny little brain out

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice!

I guess I was being naive and I will be speaking to him later on today to tell him this isn't working anymore and I don't wish to continue seeing him.

I'm glad I found this forum as to not sound like a loner but since relocating, I don't have any family or friends in this city, but me and my boy are so much happier for being away from our old city.

With reguards to the people telling me I'm not being truthful about the freedom programme as it runs every 12 weeks- I am very aware of this but the town I live in now is very very small and only runs a programme once every 6 months not every 3 and it has been full the last 2 times but I have seen plans from the local council to run an online version which will allow for more people to join.

Thanks again for everyone's advice.

FYI - Yes I did mean Clare's law but I thought that would be pretty fkin obvious

Well done OP, you’re doing your very best for your boy and yourself, it’s no doubt very hard when he “seems” so nice, but with so many red flags you really are better off without him.

I wish you the best in finding your feet in your new town, hopefully you will soon make some nice friends maybe through work or your DS school or some hobbies. Keep posting for support if you need!

This forum can be brutal, but there are some really lovely helpful & kind people here.
Please stick around and don't let anyone else's negativity stop you building an online community.
I've had some vile comments but mostly some really really lovely ones and there are posters names I recognise and think, "I'd love a coffee and cake with you".

I'm dead proud of your progress!

What does your counselor say about the relationship?

I think the correction there was more about wanting a murdered woman’s name spelt correctly rather that ‘I’m going to be a dick and correct your grammar’

He sounds like a real catch!

I dont think so. Absolutely everybody knew what OP was referring to and absolutely nobody misspelt it with the intention of tarnishing the name or memory of a murdered woman or the importance of the law her tragic murder brought about.
And it was a spelling mistake, not a grammar one if you're going to be so pedantic as to hijack OP's post with such shit.

Oh op please please be patient and hold back before you get them the police information back about him.

As a mother I cannot imagine how serious a thing must of happened to make his mother require a restraining order against her own son.

if you wanted to you can do the FP online, it costs £12 I believe.

might be good for you to do it f2f though, especially if you’re socially isolated.

I strongly encourage you to go to any toddler groups, peer support groups, whatever’s available - as social isolation/loneliness makes people more vulnerable to abusive relationships.

They could have said that then, "just a reminder it's Clare's law, named after Clare Wood who was tragically murdered by her ex partner".

Not make a sarcy, disingenuous throwaway comment in the form of a faux genuine question, to a woman who is concerned for her safety.

It was uncalled for and mean spirited.

I’m not being pedantic at all, was just trying to give an explanation as to why someone may have felt compelled to correct OP.
Anyway, good luck OP. I hope you have positive answers soon.

Yes, I agree with you. I just don’t think insult slinging is needed.

Well done OP. You've done so well to escape and start again and build some stability for you and your little boy. Focus on that and things will continue on the up I am sure. That last thing either of you need now is anybody in your life that could cause more disruption and trauma.

Oh @LostRahRah well done you. I was one of those who mentioned freedom programme as I've done it - twice as it didn't sink in the first time and I went back!! - and I live in a small town too but we must have high incidence of DV as it's packed and popular and runs online and face to face several times a week 😲

I wish you well for the future good luck!

My god, what is wrong with you?

Just read your update - well done! You and your son deserve better.

Oh no honey, he's a bad'un. Two women have had issues with him. It's not a coincidence. Nor is you having come from abuse as you may still be drawn to abusers and vice versa.

Clares law can take many weeks to come back. But you don't need it for this guy. Listen to the people here. They can sense threat.

If you must keep seeing him then keep him away from your family. Never give him keys to your home. And make sure Your contraception is foolproof. Seriously, the pill and always use condoms. Always.

Revisit things in a year (normally I'd say six months is find but not for this guy) if you're still together. Same people don't ever get electronic tags op. Let alone regarding their treatment of women.

How much work have you done regarding spotting abuse? And regarding learning to love yourself again? Did you do the freedom programme? If not, it might be wise. It's cheap online.

But tbf you've been smart to run a claires law at least. And to check in here. I think your alarm bells are ringing. But you're ignoring them. You have to stop that or you'll end up with another psychopath.

@Neverthinkjustdo read the thread.

He is not telling you the truth because he is protecting himself, read that again

in an instance where an ex told me the full truth about something, the following happened:

• an officer called and asked first me what I knew/had been told.
• they didn’t say anything else to me went away to discuss with someone (can’t recall the name but someone who makes decisions on disclosure).
• they then called at a later point and said it was a ‘non disclosure’ because he had told me the truth. That was it.

So the request should be helpful even if he’s told you the trust.
remember you have to approach your own pol ie force (if different from his) with your request.

Well done, my lovely and good luck for the future. Keep strong for your little boy-you are so strong to have got to where you are. I really do wish you all the very best-go out and show the world how fab you are!!!

You don’t really need Clare’s Law, you already know he’s a dud.

Well done OP. Good luck x