Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward around DH

102 replies

247 · 18/02/2008 14:27

This is weird but I would like some feedback please. A few years ago DH wanted to leave as he no longer loved me. He stayed but our relationship never got back on track. Infact it is non existant, there is NO physical contact whatsoever. I feel so sad and lonely. I always hoped we would get over this and continue a long life together. I do still love him (call me a fool) and I do not want to be a single mum and give access to the DC every other wkend. We talk as normal but never about personal stuff, usually just his work, he is very successful. I feel I was put out to graze a few years ago and he is just not coming back to me. It has reached a point now that I am just so and lonely, like all the time, and I am now even feeling embarrassed to sit close to him on the sofa.

OP posts:
mishymoo · 18/02/2008 14:29

I'm sorry you feel like this and I don't have much advice but have you considered some sort of counselling, like Relate?

Karen999 · 18/02/2008 14:29

It must be very hard for you but I dont see why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone who does not love you. I understand that you have children but your happiness is also important. Can you speak to him about how you feel?

hecate · 18/02/2008 14:30

Why did he stay?

Did he say because you begged? In which case he is there out of guilt, not because he wants to be. Or did he stay because he genuinly wanted to try to make things work? In which case maybe Relate could help.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 14:42

we did try relate as we were both going to try and make it work. That is easier said than done because I was never more loving towards him, I was always waiting for him to come to me, it was too hard to approach him after hearing he no longer loved me IYSWIM. Apparently I asked him to sty, I don't remember. He is here because of the DC too, he cannot bear to be apart from them either. He knows I am sad, he knows I am so lonely but I think he just buries his head in the business

OP posts:
Karen999 · 18/02/2008 14:44

I think you both really need to talk to each other and see if you can improve things.....otherwise it will continue this way and tbh that is not good for anyone...

warthog · 18/02/2008 14:45

how old are your dc's?

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 14:47

they are 10 and 13

OP posts:
dittany · 18/02/2008 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 18/02/2008 14:49

what happens when you try to talk to him?

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 14:56

No dittany, he doesnt spend loads of cash on himself but yes he does control the money. He is very rich and complains that I spend too much. I guess we both want to stay together because it means we get to live with our DC 24/7. I know he cares about me to some degree (strange way of showing it). Yes my loveless marriage is destroying me, but I just cannot go. The kids adore him, they have a great relationship and they have absolutely no idea there is anything wrong. I just want to be loved again.

OP posts:
dittany · 18/02/2008 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 18/02/2008 15:23

sorry things haven't got any better for you 247.

i understand that you don't want to leave.

i think that you should focus on yourself for the next 6 months, and then re-evaluate. try and find ways of making yourself happy, without relying on him. go out an evening a week, get a babysitter. go to art appreciation classes. anything that sounds appealing without requiring anything from him.

look at your life, write down the things that get you down and try to solve a couple of them.

from your previous thread, it doesn't sound like he's going to change overnight. i think you have to make things better for yourself so that you can cope.

dolally · 18/02/2008 15:24

i'm going to get all "pull your socks up my girl" on you . Sorry that you are so sad. I wonder if you can approach this from another angle?

Do you respect yourself, do you look after yourself, do you love yourself? If the answer to these is no, then you will need to get this angle sorted before you will have any chance of sorting your relationship out..iyswim.

You say you want to be loved again, then please 247 start loving yourself. You are worth it! Your dc's will see a difference and you might have a better chance of resolving your relationship issue when you are not so dependent on dh for your self esteem.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:27

dittany, thanks for your opinions. in answer: para 1 - no I dont think so. Para 2 - I guess you are right. Para 3 - I was over him like a rash until the DC came along and they basically took his place, but we were very very in love. I got PND (twice) and as soon as I came out of it he delivered the blow about not loving me anymore and wanting to leave. Maybe I have time on my hands now, I NOTICE he is not loving towards me. Its just hard for me to get close to him and show any affection as he said a few years ago he no longer loved me. I perhaps just should forget that and try to improve things but it ripped through my heart like a fire and I am a very moral person. I stood in church and married and I stand by my vows (i.e. not leaving) but I have this barrier of not getting close, one that he put there.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 18/02/2008 15:29

This sounds very familiar to me 247 and you have my understanding.

I find it very difficult to show affection to my dp and know now that it is all to do with my past; the problem is that IME you tend to get more and more withdrawn instead of being able to just change things by yourself. It may be all bound up with rejection issues, whether by your dh or someone else from your past.

Have you considered some personal therapy, just for you, to work on your self esteem?

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:30

Can i say that every other area of my life is good. I just (bloody stupidy) want him to love me again. I CANNOT give up my DC and have time without them, I just CANT

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:33

He tells me I will never be happy with anything . He truely believes he is so generous and giving (just not affection)

OP posts:
twospecialgirls · 18/02/2008 15:33

you say you love him but he doesnt love you wouldnt you rather be with someone who will love you totally x i feel so sad for you as i would be heart broken if this happened to me , dont you think also it would be better for you dcs as they must sense something is not right even if you dont argue there must be some kind of tension x
i hope you work it out and all the better if its together x

Wisteria · 18/02/2008 15:33

Xposts - maybe he felt rejected by you after the dcs and PND etc and now you are both stuck in a rut.

Have you asked him whether he would like more physical affection now and whether it would be worth trying again - there are some great couples courses out there - not just relate but sexual therapy etc.

Life is too short to spend it unhappy and if you are both determined to stick it out then it may be worth considering - what about a weekend break with some rules to start with. 10 mins of you giving him pleasure and then vice versa. Blindfolds can be good to become less inhibited and written requests so you don't have to say it.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:34

we have been married 21years.

OP posts:
Karen999 · 18/02/2008 15:36

21 years is a long time. perhaps you should really concentrate on yourself first....other things may be easier after that. It might be an idea to go to Relate yourself....even for a few sessions and then you can chat to your DH about it....he may want to go along too...

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:43

I really do not see how relate will help at all. I have lots of friends, I have a full day of doing 'stuff', great DC, lots of material things (not worth a jot in the light of things). He is just wraped up in business and getting more and more successful. We are a sideline. He is a great father and we go out as a family every weekend, it is just the personal relationship between us that does not exist.

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:45

He is a very unforgiving person and says I have hurt him (I had PND FGS) so he felt rejected for so long. Is it pay back time? He just accuses me of never being satisfied with anything, ungrateful etc. I have told him it is not material things that will make me happy but it falls on deaf ears. Couldn't believe why I was upset recently as he had 'done everything I asked' (fix door on cupboard, put out rubbish, change lightbulb.

OP posts:
Maidamess · 18/02/2008 15:49

It sounds like you are blaming yourself for his shortcomings...you say 'he' is rich. Surely you are rich as a couple? Where did all this separateness come from?

Think about your children. Do you want them to see Mum and dad sad and miserable every day? No hugs or affection? This is something you could say to your dh... that you have to work on this marriage together, or decide how to end things but try not to hurt the children.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:50

I believe the separateness came when he told me he no longer loved me. I guess I felt isolated then and still do and therefore not a part of himor his wealth.

OP posts: