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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awkward around DH

102 replies

247 · 18/02/2008 14:27

This is weird but I would like some feedback please. A few years ago DH wanted to leave as he no longer loved me. He stayed but our relationship never got back on track. Infact it is non existant, there is NO physical contact whatsoever. I feel so sad and lonely. I always hoped we would get over this and continue a long life together. I do still love him (call me a fool) and I do not want to be a single mum and give access to the DC every other wkend. We talk as normal but never about personal stuff, usually just his work, he is very successful. I feel I was put out to graze a few years ago and he is just not coming back to me. It has reached a point now that I am just so and lonely, like all the time, and I am now even feeling embarrassed to sit close to him on the sofa.

OP posts:
warthog · 18/02/2008 15:54

surely your pnd was a long time ago if your youngest is 10. hasn't he moved on?

are there family / friends who know him well that you can confide in?

Wisteria · 18/02/2008 15:57

What does he do for satisfaction then 247, doesn't he miss the personal side of your relationship?

Do you still share the same bed and do you ever have sex?

warthog · 18/02/2008 15:59

what about downing a couple of glasses of red and then jumping his bones?

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 15:59

no one who knows him well to confide in. Don't know what he does, the obvious I guess, same bed no sex, no cuddle, no kiss

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:01

I just cant climb that barrier and come on to him. He fell out of love with me and wanted to leave. Seems I cant move on either.

OP posts:
skyatnight · 18/02/2008 16:02

It sounds like you are talking two different languages, serious communication difficulties. Why is that some men don't understand about PND, that they take it as a personal affront to themselves? Why is that some men only value sex and material things and don't understand emotions? Futile questions.

Apparently 80% of couples who are having relationship difficulties who end up staying together, do so because of the children. I appreciate that you take your marriage vows seriously and, it appears, so does he but it would make sense to try and improve things if you are both miserable.

Would it help to tell him that you give up, that you can't go on like this. Perhaps he resents you because you wouldn't accept him leaving? I don't mean that in any nasty way but his behaviour could be his passive-aggressive way of expressing his unhappiness. If you stopped trying to make it work and admitted to him that it isn't, he might be more open to discussing it properly.

Sorry if I am being blunt and way off the mark here.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:06

skyatnight, I totally agree with you. But if I say 'I give up' then it HAS to be followed through. I am not ready to go even though I am in tears daily. I cannot relinquish part of the parental care of my DC.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 18/02/2008 16:06

247 - I don't think you have any choice but to do something, you are obviously wanting help as you have posted so the only way forward is to sit down and discuss it with him, or get pissed and jump him - apologise for rejecting him if that will help to start a conversation (I'm not saying it was your fault though as it wasn't, PND is horrid) but men can be notoriously stubborn so if it would help to men bridges then it may be worth it.

It's so hard isn't it? The longer these barriers are there, the tougher they are to break down - I know because I'm in the process of trying to do it myself and to be honest it's hard work.

Do you still love him?

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:07

And yes, I'm sure he does resent me. Resent me for asking him to stay. Resent me for pushing him away and having PND. Resent me for spending too much money (he can afford it), but of course that is not the point.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 18/02/2008 16:09

247 - maybe he would resent you more if you split up and took 50% of his wealth and limited his access to the dcs.

It sounds awful

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:10

Yes Wisteria, I do still love him, though why is beyond me if he can make me so unhappy. He says stuff like 'why do you want to stay if I am so awful?' 'Why don't you go if you are so unhappy'. 'I will never be the person you want me to be'

OP posts:
warthog · 18/02/2008 16:11

i've thought about you a lot since your last thread.

tbh, i think you have to try to break down your barriers, as extremely hard as it is, because if you don't i don't see anything changing. sorry to be so blunt. you have to find the strength from somewhere.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:11

He is a fool, he is very rich and I would be a very rich single mum if I left. I sometimes think, deep down, that he doesn't believe I would go.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 18/02/2008 16:12

What exactly do you love?

Sorry for the 20 questions but I am wondering whether you do or whether you are in love with the memory........

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:13

Warthog, I agree, but its just so hard. I fear rejection from him as it has gone on for so so long. So pathetic, I actually feel quite cross that I have allowed myself to feel so shi*

OP posts:
dittany · 18/02/2008 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:16

Wisteria, these are the reasons I still love the man who puts me down : In no particular order

He is intelligent, hard working, clean, tidy, great father, honest, good provider, non smoker, non drinker (almost), cares about his parents and relatives deeply, truely believes he is good to me (so he says),

OP posts:
warthog · 18/02/2008 16:17

good idea - you don't have to make a full on pass, could start small. try holding hands, cuddle up to him on the sofa. don't think, just DO.

Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:17

Dittany, I feel too silly and shy now

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 18/02/2008 16:20

Ive got to go out now, will check back later if anyone stills feels they want to offer their opinions, thanks.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 18/02/2008 16:21

Sounds like you are both in an unhappy unfulfilling relationship here. You only have one life, do you really want to spend the rest of it in an unhappy marriage?!

There is nothing wrong with being a single parent, and as for spending time away from your kids, don't they ever go away overnight now? Don't they ever have sleepovers? It would be no different than that if you and H share custody. You say your boys know nothing about all of this, well, I bet they know their mum isn't happy.

You don't deserve to be lonely all the time, I think you should seriously consider ending it, it sounds like it would be better for you and him if you could both go your seperate ways and find happiness again.

warthog · 18/02/2008 16:22

you can get the courage up to try. we'll give you support!

Maidamess · 18/02/2008 16:23

247 Sorry but your reasons for loving your dh sound to me more like requirements in a flat mate than a husband.

Is he good to you? Is he thoughtful? Does he compliment you? Does he make you feel safe, sexy and loved? If you cannot say yes to these questions, I really think you are on a hiding to nothing.

I think all perspective on what a husband should give you has been lost in upset of your relationship. I don't have the answers, but staying together for the children and them seeing you sad is not a great option.

Ask him what he needs from you, and you tell him what you need from him. If you can't fulfill each others needs, then I don't know what to suggest....

dittany · 18/02/2008 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverMyDeadBody · 18/02/2008 16:39

Ok, all the posts so far have been focussed on you (and rightly so, as you're the one who asked for support here) but, I'm going to turn the tables here and focus on your DH for a minute...

You say you love him, and still love him despite no physical relationship whatsoever. From what I can gather he said he no longer loves you, wanted to leave, and you persuaded him to stay. Is this really love? Do you think it is love to put pressure on someone else to stay in a situation that they are unhappy in? Personally, I don't think so. I'm not saying here that you don't love him, but that if you do then you really need to let him go. If you love him don't you want him to be happy? By staying with him not only are you ensuring that you don't find happiness or love, but you are also ensuring that he doesn't. To me that sounds more like dependancy and selfishness than love.

Sorry to be blunt but I really don't see how staying together is loving or fair, to you, your husband or your children.