Awkward around DH

[247]

This is weird but I would like some feedback please. A few years ago DH wanted to leave as he no longer loved me. He stayed but our relationship never got back on track. Infact it is non existant, there is NO physical contact whatsoever. I feel so sad and lonely. I always hoped we would get over this and continue a long life together. I do still love him (call me a fool) and I do not want to be a single mum and give access to the DC every other wkend. We talk as normal but never about personal stuff, usually just his work, he is very successful. I feel I was put out to graze a few years ago and he is just not coming back to me. It has reached a point now that I am just so and lonely, like all the time, and I am now even feeling embarrassed to sit close to him on the sofa.

Agree with previous posts but, also, some people believe it is shallow to value a stable family and material (but emotionally hollow) life. As a single parent, I can see, (not the attraction but) the dilemma. BUT, personally, I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. He may also still leave you when the children have left home.

Does he have the opportunity to have an affair, is he away working often? If he is not having an affair, he may be ploughing all his energy into his business and getting his satisfaction that way. But, surely, if you are committed to staying together, he can't enjoy this frosty truce any more than you do. The ice needs to be broken. You are like a bird in a golden cage.

It is worth taking the risk of putting your cards on the table and challenging him.

Try Dittany and Warthog's suggestions of a hug. If he recoils, that is your excuse to initiate The Discussion.

It is worrying that he says things like: 'why do you want to stay if I am so awful?' 'Why don't you go if you are so unhappy'. 'I will never be the person you want me to be'. It is like he is determined not to take the blame for breaking up the relationship. He would prefer that you leave and, if you aren't going to, then he will punish you with passive agression, lack of affection and other controlling behaviour.

skyatnight, I agree wholeheartedly with your last paragragh. There is no frosty atmosphere here, it is just like two people sharing a house I guess. We eat together, do family stuff together. I am too hurt to walk away, does that make any sense at all? And I think he would prefer me to go than him to walk, the blame could be directed at me then couldnt it.

247 none of those things tell me that you love him to be honest (sorry) and that's why I asked the question. As someone else said they are great attributes for a flatmate and a dh but only if that dh does something for you.

Sometimes we view our marriage as a business contract and it sounds as though you are doing the same. 21 years is a long time and a lot to throw away but can you imagine another 21 years without being told you're beautiful, feeling sexy and most importantly feeling valued and loved by the man whose undies you wash and children you bore.

I grew up in a loveless marriage and am a direct result of it - I wouldn't say nothing is more damaging to a child as there are things far more damaging but it can colour your children's lives and their own relationships for ever. I remember going to a friend's house when I was about 11 and running home in tears because her parents were kissing in the kitchen - I thought it was absolutely disgusting and when I got home Mum had to explain to me that it wasn't disgusting but natural and normal - of course she was in tears by this stage as she desperately wanted some affection. She stayed with my Dad for all the same reasons you are with yours (except the non smoking and non drinking ones ).

my dh of 21yrs has NEVER complimented me or made me feel special, its his way, whether I like it or not.

we were incredibly close before the DC came along, admittedly, I suppose I did all the pampering etc, but I don't forget how it once was and could be again. I feel he has just shut down and I can't get in. He once told me he trusted only 3 people. His parents and best friend. When I asked 'what about me? he replied, I could always leave him. I think he has some hangups and insecurities and to be honest that is why he doesn't get too close in our relationship. No excuse as it is killing me.

247 - you deserve more.

Did he ever love you or can you remember a time when you felt real love between you?

i don't know what to say.

it doesn't sound to me, that your relationship has ever been that good.

it hasn't been good for years.

you're desperately unhappy but don't want to make the first move for fear of rejection.

you won't leave him.

catch 22.

what do you think is the way forward?

I think you are right in that he is either massively insecure or very spoilt- so everything was fine until the dcs came along and then your attention was diverted from him.

What a can of worms. I can see why you all think I deserve better and should go but it is never so easy in reality is it. I guess I query how he would feel if I quit. He can say what he likes but i would never know for sure the real impact on him, he would never show it. He is the most stubborn person I have ever met and does not EVER wear his heart on his sleeve, he would go without god knows what than tell his true emotional feelings. Also, I do believe it would be a terrible mistake to go, I do think there is feeling there from him but he will not show it. Call me a fool. Either him or me!

He is very successful and controls and dictates lots of people in the workplace. He is used to being in charge, I am sure this has a huge bearing on how he behaves here.

For further analysis, he is always calling people bad names and slagging them off. He is full of road rage. He never ever ever calls me by my name. Make of that what you will.

So why do you think there is feeling from him?

Possibly there is, but if you're never going to feel the benefit of it then it's fairly pointless really isn't it?

What is/ was his mother like?

Thinks he is closer to god than anyone, basically he thinks mosts people or lots of people at any rate are complete arsles. And yes I have to listen to that language too even though I have repeatedly asked him not to use it. Also ask him to slow down in the car (dangerous driver), he doesn't.

She is so timid and scared of her own shadow. The father is fairly quiet but nice with mother. He doesnt like many people either.

247 - he sounds rather screwed up to me. Possibly has low self esteem despite being successful now.

The only other thing that springs to mind is that he sounds full of pent up frustration at the world which may well be masking his own pent up frustration, be that sexual or not.

Has he ever initiated sex?

So, what are you going to do to make your life better 247?

Or would you rather stay in this situation for the rest of your life?

you wrote: I guess I query how he would feel if I quit. He can say what he likes but i would never know for sure the real impact on him, he would never show it. He is the most stubborn person I have ever met and does not EVER wear his heart on his sleeve, he would go without god knows what than tell his true emotional feelings.

Tbh this is not your problem, I don't understand why you are focussing on how he would feel if you left, you are not responsible for his feelings, he is. Just like he isn't responsible for your feelings. You are only responsible for your feelings. I'm not sure where all this analysis of him and his personality is going, or how it will help?

I totally agree with you overmydb but the OP doesn't want to leave but seems to want to know why he's like this and how/ if it can be resolved.

yeah I know but even if she knows exactly why he's like this it won't help as she can't change him, only he can change and only if he wants to. Chances are, if he feels he doesn't love her, he isn't going to see any point or reason to change.

247 do you really truly want to stay in thius relationship for the rest of your life or is it just that the thought of leaving is very scary?

All I can say is he reminds me of my Dad

I think it is worth knowing what's going on in his head as 247 is basing her decisions on the rest of her life on it - if something can be salvaged then great but I don't think it sounds that feasible so far....well not and for 247 to be happy as well.

I agree Wisteria, and I think it may help 247 see the situation for what it is if she understands him better.

It just makes me to think of people spending their whole lives unhappy or lonely or not being given the physical and emotional attention that they need while being trapped so they can't even find it elsewhere.

Both the op and her husband sound desperately unhappy.

Me too - I saw my Mum live it and would hate anyone else to make that mistake because of the mistaken assumption that it's better for the children - I assure you it isn't and my brother and I are living proof.

Hi 247, I recognise so many of the phrases you have used, ones that your DH has said. It's been nearly 20 years of marriage in my case and the children are 10 and 12. The one about me never being satisfied...how many times have I heard that! I'd be happy with a bag of crisps and a smile and a wink.

I agree with the poster who said try and do stuff for you, where you are not expecting emotional warmth from DH. You will experience again the sensation of people smiling at you when you walk in the room, giggling at something you say, being pleased to see you and giving the odd hug when you ask for it, or when they need it. For me working at a charity shop was such a start to being a real person again, all the rude jokes and silliness.

I feel awkward round my husband, he sort of leans back if we have to pass in the corridor!! I tell myself that I have friends who phone me and who I can call and he doesn't.

Sometimes he's fun and we all sit round the table in the kitchen with the children chatting.

Other times it's the cold business man spending 7 minutes in the kitchen before going out for the day, no jokes or enthusiasm, just a sort of money robot.

My husband is very successful at what he does, but no friends call him. He doesn't call on them when he needs emotional support, no fun chat between him and his mum either. My parents are a bit odd, but they are a laugh to be with and I enjoy speaking to them often, even though I disagree with practically everything they say!!

What can I say...you are not the only one in this sort of situation, living in the deep freeze. I'm building my little bonfires and know that every day is one day closer to spring and summer for me and my children.