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Original poster

To text a guy when the dynamic has changed?

95 replies

ktldxox · 10/05/2023 07:35

I met a guy at speed dating just over a month ago and we’ve been on 4 dates since. I really like him, there seemed to be good chemistry and we last saw each other on Saturday- texted loads after, really flirty, he said he had a lovely night and really wanted to see me again. I then didn’t hear from him Sunday even though we had previously been speaking every day but he did text on Monday asking how my bank holiday was and then never replied to my message back. I messaged him yesterday asking how his day was and although he did reply, the dynamic seems to have changed and his messages just felt a bit ‘off’. His replies were shorter, he wasn’t really asking me any questions and he hadn’t put “x” at the end like he previously had.

We had talked about meeting again this week, he said he was going to let me know when he was free and I was going to look at booking something I suggested. I don’t know whether to message today with some days/times for the activity I suggested or wait for him to reach out. I’m not sure whether it’s just a miscommunication and he’s waiting for me to arrange the date or whether I just need accept that it looks like he’s pulling away a bit and doing a slow fade!

I’m TERRIBLE at dating so could use some perspectives about whether I’m just overthinking this whole thing 😂

OP posts:
Gremlins101 · 10/05/2023 07:38

Just text him. You lose nothing either way because if he's keen, he's keen, and if he's not, he's not. But I'm a heart on the sleeve kinda gal.

19lottie82 · 10/05/2023 07:39

Why don’t you call him?

LoveBuzzz · 10/05/2023 07:42

Yes, like @Gremlins101 has said, I wear my heart on my sleeve as I can’t stand game playing. I’d suggest the date and see what he says. If it’s an outright no, it’ll absolutely hurt, but far preferable to just being in limbo given there’s no discernible reason for his change in approach. Good luck!

RoseRobot · 10/05/2023 07:44

I disagree with both posts above. He's cooled off. Don't chase. I don't like games playing generally but it is a general truth that men like to do the chasing and the more you seem like a prize that's hard to catch, the more desirable you seem. We can argue about whether it should be like this or not, but it is with a majority of men.

I'd play the game for a bit here. Don't contact him again. If he's on SM with you, let him see some posts of you having a brilliant time doing interesting things without him. (Go and do interesting things without him!)

One of two things will happen. Either he's the average man and will come trotting to find out what he's missing and you can then decide if you prefer doing interesting things with him or without him. Or he won't, in which case he's just not as keen as he seemed and he's played you, making him someone unworthy of another moment of your attention.

iwantabasketbag · 10/05/2023 07:44

It does sound like a slow fade, however I would ask if he wants to meet, that gives him the opportunity to either be honest and say he's not feeling it or if really coward he'll come up with an excuse.
If yes then great, but he's got to show a bit of effort let him do some of the running.

Corrienation · 10/05/2023 07:45

He’s gone off you. Sorry. Dating can be brutal.

I ghosted someone this week for, after explaining I wasn’t into sexual talk/behaviour before meeting, wrote a long text about the physical connection we were going to have BEFORE WE HAD EVEN MET. What’s the point in saying his morals aren’t where I would like them to be? I’ve already told him.

So, while I doubt you’ve done that, you’ve maybe given him a sign that you aren’t compatible. Or maybe he took a couple of numbers that night and us gelling better with someone else.

It does hurt but all you can do is keep going and hope to meet “the one”.

icelollycraving · 10/05/2023 07:45

The thing with early dating is, you’re very rarely dating exclusively. I think someone else may have come along. If you like him, suggest the date, if he doesn’t accept enthusiastically, you’ll know pretty quickly.

Stratocumulus · 10/05/2023 07:46

Sorry to say but I think he might be “fading.”
He knows how to contact you, so if he wants to he will.
Life is so challenging these days on the dating scene but maybe he’s of the “treat em mean, keep em keen” school and this is what he does?
I suppose you could phone and actually speak to him? Catch him on the hop? But, what if he doesn’t take your call?

Nah, I hope he gets back to you and everything you hoped for gets back on track but I think he’s got bigger fish to fry.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/05/2023 07:48

I wouldn't text. I think it's clear as day hes or interested any more.

Dating is a funny game. You can have a brilliant date and then they disappear. I've probably done it myself tbh (though I wouldn't be so rude, id just say). It's the realisation that actually you can't be bothered with a relationship cos you like being single. Or you do, but you had a few dates at once and you preferred the other one. Or you have an ex that comes back.

TheKobayashiMaru · 10/05/2023 07:48

Sorry but it sounds like he is interested in someone else. If he doesn't send you times he is free, he doesn't want to meet up again.

EndsandBegins · 10/05/2023 07:50

No he has backed off. I wouldn’t bother.

stealthninjamum · 10/05/2023 07:53

ive read loads of these threads and I’d say that 95% of the time it’s a slow fade or they’ve met someone else. There were a couple of times where I thought dp was slow fading but it turned out there were issues with work / his phone charger.

I think it’s true that men (women too) don’t want someone who’s desperate so I would send a firmer message like ‘I can only meet Friday at xxx, let me know if you’re interested’. He might ignore you in which case you have your answer or realise you’re in demand and actually have alternatives to him and step up.

goldenlocks · 10/05/2023 07:57

Dating is brutal.

Original poster
ktldxox · 10/05/2023 08:01

Dating really is hard! I’m wracking my brain to think what I possibly could have done/said to put him off!

its doubley annoying because I ended up footing the bill for quite an expensive meal/drinks on Saturday when his card was declined. I didn’t mind at the time because things were going well and we planning other dates (he said he’d get the next one!) but if I end up £100 out of pocket because he’s been playing games I’ll be well annoyed 😤

I just hate the not knowing I guess, I’d much rather know that he doesn’t want to go on another date than second guessing myself and sitting here wondering if he’s going to text!

OP posts:
thecaramelwafer · 10/05/2023 08:02

I can't be arsed with the games bollocks. If he really likes you, he won't bat an eyelid at you sending the details of the activity and asking when he's free. If he doesn't he'll ignore the message and then you know. The other option is to decide yourself you don't like the ups and downs of his communication and choose to end it yourself. Just pick one and do it, you're overthinking this too much.

Corrienation · 10/05/2023 08:06

ktldxox · 10/05/2023 08:01

Dating really is hard! I’m wracking my brain to think what I possibly could have done/said to put him off!

its doubley annoying because I ended up footing the bill for quite an expensive meal/drinks on Saturday when his card was declined. I didn’t mind at the time because things were going well and we planning other dates (he said he’d get the next one!) but if I end up £100 out of pocket because he’s been playing games I’ll be well annoyed 😤

I just hate the not knowing I guess, I’d much rather know that he doesn’t want to go on another date than second guessing myself and sitting here wondering if he’s going to text!

You have dodged a bullet. Luckily it’s £100 and not most of your salary, half a house and 8 years of your life…

junebirthdaygirl · 10/05/2023 08:06

Well the last thing you need is a guy whose card is declined! This may be a habit of his ..having a fancy meal and then slowly disappearing to try it on someone else. Don't message. Move on as if he stays around he will expect you to pay too often.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/05/2023 08:07

The first rule of dating op is to not take it personally. It won't be anything you said in particular, although you may have given him a sign that you're not compatible, which doesn't mean you've said anything wrong, just that you're not compatible.

I had a lovely date a few years ago where he said early on what his hobby was and I realised then and there we weren't compatible, but we were there eating our cake and enjoying ourselves, so I carried on. There was nothing 'wrong' with him, just not for me.

GoodnightJude1 · 10/05/2023 08:12

Just send a casual message….”still up for meeting up this week?” Kinda thing then see what reply you get….he might message back suggesting dates, great! He might not message back or say something like “maybe…not sure yet, pretty busy” either way at least you know where you stand.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/05/2023 08:15

GoodnightJude1 · 10/05/2023 08:12

Just send a casual message….”still up for meeting up this week?” Kinda thing then see what reply you get….he might message back suggesting dates, great! He might not message back or say something like “maybe…not sure yet, pretty busy” either way at least you know where you stand.

But the ops basically already done that and he didn't respond.

SwedishEdith · 10/05/2023 08:22

No, the card thing would be the end here as he hasn't even had the decency to try to make it up/acknowledge it. Sorry, I think you need to write this one off. A decent guy/person, even if wanting to end it, would be mentioning sharing that meal bill in some way.

Doggymummar · 10/05/2023 08:25

If he hadn't transferred his half yet I think it's over. He will have been embarrassed or expecting it, people generally know if they gave £100 in the bank or not but not fixing it by now speaks volumes

lollh · 10/05/2023 08:28

Definitely do not contact again. I know the uncertainty is horrible, but his lack of contact is still a message – that he's not very bothered.

The problem with pursuing him is that he'll feel guilty for not messaging you, so he'll reply with something vague/non-committal, and this 'is he/isn't he' cycle continues, causing you more confusion and upset.

In my experience, men hate feeling guilty for ignoring you, so they'll often respond to repeated messaging, even if they don't really want to. The worst ones will sniff out an opportunity for easy sex, if they think you're already invested in a potential relationship.

As a PP said, men tend to prefer to be the one chasing, and are put off by women who seem too keen. It shouldn't be this way, but that's generally how it is. That's humans for you. It's a brutal truth and not politically correct at all, but dating gets a lot easier when you accept this.

PrinnyPree · 10/05/2023 08:28

ktldxox · 10/05/2023 08:01

Dating really is hard! I’m wracking my brain to think what I possibly could have done/said to put him off!

its doubley annoying because I ended up footing the bill for quite an expensive meal/drinks on Saturday when his card was declined. I didn’t mind at the time because things were going well and we planning other dates (he said he’d get the next one!) but if I end up £100 out of pocket because he’s been playing games I’ll be well annoyed 😤

I just hate the not knowing I guess, I’d much rather know that he doesn’t want to go on another date than second guessing myself and sitting here wondering if he’s going to text!

Urgh "his card decined" how convenient and you footed an expensive bill and now he's doing a slow fade so he doesn't have to reciprocate. Really sorry OP I think this one was a chancer, what stops his card declining again even if you did go for a second meal out.

Chalk this one up to a bad experience and don't get stuck in a sunk costs falacy with him. Xx

Lampan · 10/05/2023 08:37

I’m pretty sure you haven’t done or said anything wrong. He’s just losing interest and doesn’t have the balls to tell you.

Or if his card was declined, maybe he’s realising he can’t really afford to be dating now.

It’s hard to know how to play this now, on one hand I’d be tempted to message so he either agrees to a plan or has to tell you if he’s not keen anymore (but he might just ignore a message anyway).
I would probably just not message him. But if you take this route, don’t agree to see him again if/when he pops up again in a few weeks time (which there’s a 50/50 chance he will). His lack of contact is making his feelings pretty clear so don’t let him think he can drop you and pick you up at will.