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Relationships

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Original poster

To text a guy when the dynamic has changed?

95 replies

ktldxox · 10/05/2023 07:35

I met a guy at speed dating just over a month ago and we’ve been on 4 dates since. I really like him, there seemed to be good chemistry and we last saw each other on Saturday- texted loads after, really flirty, he said he had a lovely night and really wanted to see me again. I then didn’t hear from him Sunday even though we had previously been speaking every day but he did text on Monday asking how my bank holiday was and then never replied to my message back. I messaged him yesterday asking how his day was and although he did reply, the dynamic seems to have changed and his messages just felt a bit ‘off’. His replies were shorter, he wasn’t really asking me any questions and he hadn’t put “x” at the end like he previously had.

We had talked about meeting again this week, he said he was going to let me know when he was free and I was going to look at booking something I suggested. I don’t know whether to message today with some days/times for the activity I suggested or wait for him to reach out. I’m not sure whether it’s just a miscommunication and he’s waiting for me to arrange the date or whether I just need accept that it looks like he’s pulling away a bit and doing a slow fade!

I’m TERRIBLE at dating so could use some perspectives about whether I’m just overthinking this whole thing 😂

OP posts:

tomorrownevercomesagain · 10/05/2023 22:28

Oh dear it's not looking good! You paid £100 for a meal and he hasn't even paid you back. He then invites you to his when he should be taking you out.

You'd be very unwise to follow this one up

Zenana · 11/05/2023 07:42

He's terrible isn't he? He's just a vampire by the sounds of it. I wouldn't see him again.

burnoutbabe · 11/05/2023 08:33

The thing is

He could be legit. He could just be busy. One never really knows.

So generally in these situations I don't "call them out" or ghost them. A Saturday night date at their house for date 5 doesn't sound totally outrageous to me, that's about standard. (But fine if too soon for sex)

I'd keep an eye on what's happening and whether he gets back in touch now you turned down a home visit - he may now not be interested as you don't want to progress to anything sexual, which is fair enough (on both sides)

swayingpalmtree · 11/05/2023 08:38

CombatBarbie · 10/05/2023 19:46

Well because not all men are dicks, I reckon he was embarrassed at the card declining, and he wants to make you dinner at his cos he's skint (as many folk are these days). Doesnt automatically mean he wants a shag.

he could be that rare genuine species..... Or he may be a dick who just wants a shag....

If you know you are skint, why on earth go to a fancy restaurant, order food and drinks costing £100 then?! He clearly knew he was skint and just expected OP to pay. That’s pretty revolting behaviour. It’s not embarrassment, it’s entitlement. I

swayingpalmtree · 11/05/2023 08:39

CombatBarbie · 10/05/2023 19:46

he could be that rare genuine species..... Or he may be a dick who just wants a shag....

Original poster

ktldxox · 11/05/2023 10:43

He messaged back saying no problem if you’d rather we went out and asking where I want to go. Not sure what to do now, I like(d) him but just feel a bit uneasy about things after the last few days. It could just be anxiety but maybe I should just learn to trust my gut! To be honest I wasn’t expecting to hear from him again after saying no to going round so I hadn’t thought this far ahead 😂

As for the card thing, he was adamant he had money in the bank and it was just a problem with his card but who knows! He earns 4x what I earn and had previously talked about how he was saving up to buy a second property and was almost there with the deposit so I can’t imagine he’s that skint- I could be wrong though!

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 11/05/2023 11:08

The thing that would concern me op. Is why he is not desperate to get your &50 back to you? I don't get that. If that happened to me on date 4 I would be making sure you knew I was paying for dinner or whatever. The onus should not be on you at this stage to ask for it.

What happened payment wise on the previous dates?

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 11/05/2023 11:11

I would lose this one. Too many red flags. He’s not trying to impress and they do try if they like you. He should have paid you back for dinner by now.
if you absolutely must carry on which I suspect you will I would reply ‘anything pick near x place’ ( x place being somewhere close to you. Don’t travel to him) and let him do all the arranging.

LiliLil · 11/05/2023 11:14

Don’t make excuses for him.

A decent man would have fallen over himself to pay you back, especially if he’s as well off as he claims to be.

Sandra1984 · 11/05/2023 11:18

"let me take you out for a nice diner because I owe you one" is the only acceptable answer here, anything else is taking the piss. If he earns 4 times more than you, boasting about a second property but he's expecting you to foot in a 100 pound bill he's either lying about his earnings, being a chancer or a stingy t-wat.

Sorry OP but you need to raise the bar.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/05/2023 11:30

I guess what happened on the previous 3 dates payment wise is vital info! If he paid for all 3 to a similar tune, then not saying anything now would be fine.

Datesandfates · 11/05/2023 11:31

Sometimes my card declines even though there is money in the account.

I think OP needs to tell him what her concerns are so he knows she won't accept shady behaviour. If he doesn't like it then that's why you date and find out the content of their character.

OP you need to tell him what your needs are. If he can't handle it then move on.

Tell him straight off the bat if you are looking for a long term partner and tell him what kind of person you are looking for. He can get on board or not.

What are you looking for in a partner OP?

FinallyHere · 11/05/2023 11:47

Agree that it matters a lot how bills have been split so far?

If you have been going 50:50 &
he accepted with no complaint that you are not up for visiting him at home &
he asked you where you want to go

and if you enjoyed his company,

then I would suggest somewhere similar to where you went and you paid, and I probably wouldn't stop myself saying 'your treat this time' with a happy smile.

And see where it goes from there.

Given he appears to have the resources to pay his way , I'd allow the declined card may have been a glitch but I would still keep a sharp eye on his being happy for you to pay more. Some men are skint and others are tight. I'd be looking out for both extremes as red flags.

If he has paid the majority, then my steps above remain but I'd keep an eye on making sure it's 50:50

If you have paid the majority, I'd been keeping an eye on that snd letting him pay y you are caught up.

Original poster

ktldxox · 11/05/2023 11:54

Previous dates were all for drinks and were split pretty much 50/50- he’d get a round then I’d get a round and so on.

we did have a chat on the 2nd date about what we were looking for/wanted and we seemed to be on the same page but things can change I guess.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 11/05/2023 11:57

Ok. Given your update, it's a no thank you for me. Red flag that he isn't falling over himself to buy you dinner back.

Tellmeimcrazy · 11/05/2023 12:07

I would go and give it one more chance. Maybe he was just ruminating on things. Sometimes guys pull away to then come back closer. One more date won't hurt.

Datesandfates · 11/05/2023 12:10

I would go on your fifth date and see what happens. He might well be buying a second property by getting other people to pay for his social fund... or he might not.

Hold your standards high OP.

Wishimaywishimight · 11/05/2023 12:35

Really bad form that he hasn't offered to pay you back. I would maybe meet up one more time, if he pays you back then you decide where you want to go from there. If there is no mention of money after an hour or so I would make my excuses and leave.

starlight1011 · 11/05/2023 12:46

I would probably proceed with caution on one more date to see how things pan out. I’m too nosy not to lol 😂

burnoutbabe · 11/05/2023 13:51

Wishimaywishimight · 11/05/2023 12:35

Surely you just say in advance, it's on you this time.

My new credit card decided to not work when I got it, the pin isn't working.

Now he May be a complete cock lodger but he may just be a guy whose card didn't work and he accepted her offer to pay.

In that case, wouldn't most people who are dating someone regularly just think they would pay next time, rather than transfer cash? If he had offer to pay the whole lot, would there be any angst about her having to send him £50?? Wouldn't she just accept and pay next time/weekend?

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