To text a guy when the dynamic has changed?

[ktldxox]

I met a guy at speed dating just over a month ago and we’ve been on 4 dates since. I really like him, there seemed to be good chemistry and we last saw each other on Saturday- texted loads after, really flirty, he said he had a lovely night and really wanted to see me again. I then didn’t hear from him Sunday even though we had previously been speaking every day but he did text on Monday asking how my bank holiday was and then never replied to my message back. I messaged him yesterday asking how his day was and although he did reply, the dynamic seems to have changed and his messages just felt a bit ‘off’. His replies were shorter, he wasn’t really asking me any questions and he hadn’t put “x” at the end like he previously had.

We had talked about meeting again this week, he said he was going to let me know when he was free and I was going to look at booking something I suggested. I don’t know whether to message today with some days/times for the activity I suggested or wait for him to reach out. I’m not sure whether it’s just a miscommunication and he’s waiting for me to arrange the date or whether I just need accept that it looks like he’s pulling away a bit and doing a slow fade!

I’m TERRIBLE at dating so could use some perspectives about whether I’m just overthinking this whole thing 😂

OMG get rid. And develop some self respect!

If he has his act together he would have had another payment method available. What does he do when his mum isn’t there to bail him out? Don’t step into the role of mother.

And don’t chase people. Watch this to understand why:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrR7XcqJd9-/?igshid=NjZiM2M3MzIxNA==

It always puzzles me when posters urge other posters to develop self respect by speaking to them in a massively disrespectful way. Stop using imperatives when you speak to strangers!

(See what I did there?)

The OP hasn't done anything lacking in self respect AT ALL. She just had a few dates with a guy who turned out not to be quite what she thought he was. Not being a mind reader or having a crystal ball, she could not know this.

It's gutting OP, but in no way your fault or down to anything you have done. And I don't know what your financial situation is but personally I would ask him for his share of the money back if it looks like you aren't going to see him again. He might well not pay up but you lose nothing by asking.

well played OP- you’ve picked up on his reg flags and stood your ground. He’s gone off the boil and is hoping for a parting shag. I went through a few frogs online dating who behaved similarly before I found DH.

It’s all about the tone you read into it @Ilovelurchers

More a chancer than disorganised. Wnder how often he does this

The OP hasn't done anything lacking in self respect AT ALL.

All the questioning and self doubt and the lack of anger does not speak of someone who has healthy self respect.

Chuck him back.

His card declined, his communication is hot and cold and his idea of a date is inviting you round for a shag?

Not the one. Next!

Yep- this. He sounds like an utter dickhead. He knew his card would be declined (most people are fully aware of how much money they have in their bank accounts- especially if theyre taking a date out to a restaurant).

OP got stuck paying for an expensive meal and now instead of offering to even the balance by taking her out for an expensive meal on Saturday, he wants her to come round to his which is free for him and presumably he can get his leg over too. He's also been hot and cold.

You may have had chemistry but he is not a decent man. He's a cheap bellend.

Crikey.. sounds like he's a cf and a player. Probably got his next date lined up for an expensive meal where his card gets declined again. Cheeky cheeky fucker...

To his credit, he did offer to send me money at the time if I sent him my bank details or he said he would just get the next one

Its not to his credit- it was HIS idea to "get the next one" knowing full well he would invite you to his for the next one so none of his money needed to be spent. He also knew that most women would not demand an immediate bank transfer because that comes across as very direct and women are socialised in our culture to be polite and accommodating. Isnt it funny how its all worked out incredibly well for him?- a free meal, you texting him to initiate dates, him asking you to come to his place where no money needs to be spent by him and sex is potentially on the menu? Why, its almost as if he knew his card would be declined.......

Block this one and move on OP.
A decent man would be embarrassed you paid and would have been tripping over himself to make up for it.
Well done for rejecting his gentlemanly offer to go round to his where he gets to make zero effort and no bill to pay, and maybe gets a jump. 💩 x

Well because not all men are dicks, I reckon he was embarrassed at the card declining, and he wants to make you dinner at his cos he's skint (as many folk are these days). Doesnt automatically mean he wants a shag.

he could be that rare genuine species..... Or he may be a dick who just wants a shag....

You replied with the wrong message. It should have read something along the lines of: " Hi, these are my bank details, let me know when you do the transfer. Thanks".

Once you get the money you block. He's a tosser and a chancer and you're not going to see him again so shy should he be walking away with your hard earned?

nah... a nice guy would have said something along the lines: "would love to cook you a really nice meal on Saturday as appreciation for you treating me for dinner the other day". Maybe he's still expecting a shag but at least he's being nice, putting some effort and cooking for you.

"hey you wanna come to my place Saturday?" is a straight away shag without any effort. Zero investment. You'll probably get a beer and a bag of crispies if you're lucky. Bring the condoms because he doesn't have.

He’s checking his options, ditch and work on knowing your worth!

Totally agree with this. He's just skint and embarrassed and staying in is cheaper.

Did he message back op

"Totally agree with this. He's just skint and embarrassed and staying in is cheaper."

If that's the case don't agree to go to a spendy restaurant and let someone sub you for a meal you've no ability or intention of paying half for

He doesn't have any money

You never know what's going on with people. I'd say if it seemed great before just ask him outright if you want the date and then see, you've got nothing to lose. 'Are you ok' is also fine to ask, you've known each other a few weeks now.

Completely possible he's losing interest. However, I had similar with my now-bf where I thought he was pulling away and wasn't interested, whereas actually he was going through something really big in his personal life and wasn't ready to share something so intimate. There's reasons why men pull away into their man cave sometimes, withdraw from society, but sometimes their behaviour has nothing to do with us.

Do you think he's embarrassed because his card got declined?
Maybe he's strapped for cash which is why he's invited you to his?

he wants to make you dinner at his cos he's skint (as many folk are these days). Doesnt automatically mean he wants a shag.

If he is skint, what was he doing having a meal out which he knew he couldn't afford?

And now when it is his turn to reciprocate, he is trying to have an 'at home'.

Yeah, throw this one back.

"Yes I'll come around on Saturday, by the way, my bank details are xxxx xx, see you then x" I bet he'll pay the money if he thinks you'll show up. Then make an excuse not to go.

Always let men do the asking. If he’s not asking he’s lost interest. It’s v simple. You’ve done enough chasing

Exactly!