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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men who don't help women?

91 replies

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:11

I think there is a group of men who are reluctant to help a woman, almost like "she'll not use me/I'll not be made a mug of" does that make sense? Any experience of this ladies?

OP posts:
Fatkittythinkitty · 08/05/2023 22:12

Help in what sense? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:13

There was a thread on here recently of a male partner who left his girlfriend in a broke down car

OP posts:
Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:17

Like if their female partner was struggling with a DIY job or something in the garden

OP posts:
breakingthebank · 08/05/2023 22:22

Yes I think I know what you mean. There are men who are so keen not to be "under the thumb" that they refuse to do anything for their partner at all. Possibly linked to this mindset are men who believe women are always out to get them. They think the worst of women whilst exonerating men from any form of responsibility eg. She got pregnant to trap him, she's a gold digger. Its all deeply misogynistic thinking.

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:24

Thank you @breakingthebank this is exactly what I mean!

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 08/05/2023 22:29

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:17

Like if their female partner was struggling with a DIY job or something in the garden

I have been on the other end of this and have been previously told, that my help is not needed or required ( even when it clearly was), so I’m more cautious about offering help unless asked for, and tend to leave a “shout if you need my help “, message, even if you see someone struggling

damned if you do , dammed if you don’t really 🤷🏻

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:32

My partner of four years I think is like this, we don't live together but I've cut my own hedging which is well over 6ft and he was here two weeks before, asked if he could help tackle the garden with my dad, his attitude was reluctant to say the least, other wee things too - if I ask him could he get me something from upstairs or something again he is negative, is this a bad sign for the future?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:35

@NoDatingForOldMen but I've been crying out for help but it almost seems a bit like a power thing with him ie she'll not tell me what to do, I would do anything for him but it's not reciprocated

OP posts:
Toiletfriend · 08/05/2023 22:36

Playing devil's advocate- would you help him with his gardening?

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:38

@Toiletfriend absolutely I would, my point is I'm 5ft and have struggled with heavy work, he is a big strapping man why on earth would he not want to get stuck in?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:41

I should also say that he is 100% not lazy so it's not this

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 08/05/2023 22:41

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:38

@Toiletfriend absolutely I would, my point is I'm 5ft and have struggled with heavy work, he is a big strapping man why on earth would he not want to get stuck in?

Without trying to sound like a dick, so you want he to help you, or just take over and do these things for you ?

barmycatmum · 08/05/2023 22:43

NoDatingForOldMen · 08/05/2023 22:41

Without trying to sound like a dick, so you want he to help you, or just take over and do these things for you ?

Show quote history

It’s ok. You sound like a dick without trying.

OP, it’s a childish power thing. Throw this one back. A good man would want to help.

Vanillarose1 · 08/05/2023 22:45

My exh was exactly like this. Once watched me and my Mum paint the whole house while saying he "didn't know how to paint". Made me feel almost embarrassed about asking for help, like when I needed him to help me pick up a Christmas tree from a local DIY shop he huffed and puffed and said he'd "think about it".

Since we divorced, he has shown incel tendencies and I've had to get a restraining order against him so I think the poster above who mentioned misogyny is spot on.

My current partner goes above and beyond to help me in all aspects of my life. It's a world apart.

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:46

@babarmycatmum thanks barmy yeah this is my thought, if you love someone you want to make life better for them not watch them struggle x

OP posts:
zeropercent · 08/05/2023 22:46

I think he just doesn't care about you enough. My husband is as you describe. Will watch me lift things that are too heavy or struggle in laden down with shopping or give up trying to work the telly etc etc and never offer to help. If i ask for help he gets exasperated. It's easier just to try do things myself. It's sad.

FloydPepper · 08/05/2023 22:47

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:38

@Toiletfriend absolutely I would, my point is I'm 5ft and have struggled with heavy work, he is a big strapping man why on earth would he not want to get stuck in?

Is it because a big blokes should want to do your garden stuff as it’s man’s work. How would you feel if he asked you to clean his bathroom and was surprised you didn’t want to get stuck in.

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:48

@NoDatingForOldMen help or takeover I don't really care just can't understand his reluctance but it does seem to be a power thing for some men

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 08/05/2023 22:49

This man is not a keeper.

Whatever you do, do not have children with him.

HotPenguin · 08/05/2023 22:50

Maybe he thinks you should just pay someone to cut your hedge? Why should he have to cut your hedge just because he's a man?

Of course if he is generally an unhelpful arse then yes cut him loose, but I don't think you should ditch him for not wanting to be your free odd job person. I also don't think this is a "man thing" as I know both men and women who are super helpful and men and women who are lazy as hell.

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:51

Yes @Vanillarose1 it is almost like incel behaviour like a deep down women are takers vibe

OP posts:
Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:52

FloydPepper · 08/05/2023 22:47

Is it because a big blokes should want to do your garden stuff as it’s man’s work. How would you feel if he asked you to clean his bathroom and was surprised you didn’t want to get stuck in.

Show quote history

But physically he can manage cleaning his own bathroom you are being pedantic

OP posts:
Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:53

zeropercent · 08/05/2023 22:46

I think he just doesn't care about you enough. My husband is as you describe. Will watch me lift things that are too heavy or struggle in laden down with shopping or give up trying to work the telly etc etc and never offer to help. If i ask for help he gets exasperated. It's easier just to try do things myself. It's sad.

It just makes me resent him and completely rethink things

OP posts:
Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:55

PaminaMozart · 08/05/2023 22:49

This man is not a keeper.

Whatever you do, do not have children with him.

I'm 45 definitely no more babies with him or anyone!

OP posts:
OliverKitten · 08/05/2023 22:55

Do you spend roughly equal amounts of time helping each other with all things at both of your houses? That's the crux isn't it.
So, for example, he helps you paint your spare bedroom and you help him take the legs up on his trousers. He helps you clean out the rabbit hutch and you help him put up a shelf. It doesn't matter what the things are, or whether they are 'woman jobs' or 'big strong man jobs'. It matters that you give each other an equal amount of kindness, help and time. If one of you is asking too much, or one of you is not giving enough, that's a problem you need to discuss.