Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men who don't help women?

91 replies

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:11

I think there is a group of men who are reluctant to help a woman, almost like "she'll not use me/I'll not be made a mug of" does that make sense? Any experience of this ladies?

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 08/05/2023 22:56

I think it's a combination of entitlement, ego and being just lazy.

They add philosophy to being useless but really they just don't want to help. They are also the same men who are always broke and yet terrified women will come for their money (all the while their overdraft is maxed out every month)

Mouldyfoodhelp · 08/05/2023 22:57

I mean you say he's not lazy so I presume he does other things?

Is it possible he just isn't a gardener/ hates cutting hedges?

If he does help do other stuff it seems a leap to make all these big conclusions about his mindset

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:57

HotPenguin · 08/05/2023 22:50

Maybe he thinks you should just pay someone to cut your hedge? Why should he have to cut your hedge just because he's a man?

Of course if he is generally an unhelpful arse then yes cut him loose, but I don't think you should ditch him for not wanting to be your free odd job person. I also don't think this is a "man thing" as I know both men and women who are super helpful and men and women who are lazy as hell.

Already said it's not him being lazy as he's most definitely not, I'm already working 50 hours a week to make ends meet so don't have the luxury of paying someone, is it wrong of me to expect someone I've been in a four year relationship to help me out? I don't think so?

OP posts:
Mel146 · 08/05/2023 23:01

I'm so confused .... What is his reason for not helping you out? Is this a frequent occurrence?

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 23:01

like a deep down women are takers vibe

you are getting the vibe. listen to it.

PaintedEgg · 08/05/2023 23:01

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 22:57

Already said it's not him being lazy as he's most definitely not, I'm already working 50 hours a week to make ends meet so don't have the luxury of paying someone, is it wrong of me to expect someone I've been in a four year relationship to help me out? I don't think so?

Show quote history

if it was just one particular type of task like the gardening I'd believe that he simply does not like doing it...if it applies to all sort of help then I would say he is not reasonable

btw, does he ask for your help? or to bring him things etc?

AutumnCrow · 08/05/2023 23:02

If he's not lazy, then he simply doesn't want to help you and is possibly looking down his nose at you in some way for needing his help or for asking for it. It's quite a convoluted dynamic with some people and it won't get any better.

ilovewispas · 08/05/2023 23:05

Op of course it's a bad sign! My DH and I BOTH help each other, particularly if there's something the other is better at or find easier. It does go both ways though, I have a friend who expects boyfriends to do a lot for her but doesn't think she ever has to return that!

EarthSight · 08/05/2023 23:08

Yes -

  • Plain selfish and mean. They just won't put themselves at discomfort for anyone. They might not be like this all the time but it can wear you down. Their relationships are far more take than give.
  • Narcissism - they think themselves as the CEO of your invisible company. This means that you are meant to approach everyone around you for help first before bothering the CEO of the company. You are made to feel small and insignificant and stupid when you do ask for help, and it will probably be followed by him needing lots & lots of praise afterwards, and then maybe reminding you that he helped you about 10 times afterwards. There will be rolling of eyes, huffing, signing and you, the lowly employee have come to his Royal Highness for assistance instead of figuring it out on your own.
  • Misogyny - you are one side (the enemy) and he is on his. He will make sure that he gives you as little as possible, because in his mind, he really is sleeping with the enemy as all women are nasty vipers that take advantage of poor men like him. He sleeps with one eye open. There is no trust in such relationship. He'll never be on your side. He's on his own side, much like the above two.
Mouldyfoodhelp · 08/05/2023 23:09

All these OTT comments because a man didn't want to cut a hedge ( literally all we know about him other than his height and hes not lazy):

"Yes I think I know what you mean. There are men who are so keen not to be "under the thumb" that they refuse to do anything for their partner at all. Possibly linked to this mindset are men who believe women are always out to get them. They think the worst of women whilst exonerating men from any form of responsibility eg. She got pregnant to trap him, she's a gold digger. Its all deeply misogynistic thinking."

"bit like a power thing with him ie she'll not tell me what to do"

"OP, it’s a childish power thing. Throw this one back. A good man would want to help."

"I think he just doesn't care about you enough"

"This man is not a keeper.

Whatever you do, do not have children with him"

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 23:11

He will do dishes if I've cooked and clean the kitchen and he works very hard at his job so it's not laziness it's more a power thing

OP posts:
Newbeginnings90 · 08/05/2023 23:11

Yes there is.

Don't get involved.

Mariposista · 08/05/2023 23:12

I will always remember my aunt's parents coming round to my gran's shortly after they got married. My aunt's car had a puncture and he made her change the wheel in front of us all, even though she had white trousers on, and kept making comments like 'well that's how you learn, I'm not doing it for you'. He could have done it himself quickly and subtly in about 3 minutes, instead it was a long, drawn out, humiliating process. I don't mean that women can't change wheels, of course they can. But he clearly had better knowledge than her and we could have just got on with the day, rather than subject her to this sort of double humiliation - that and then having to go out for lunch in ruined trousers. I remember my gran being pretty furious after.

Mariposista · 08/05/2023 23:13

Mariposista · 08/05/2023 23:12

I will always remember my aunt's parents coming round to my gran's shortly after they got married. My aunt's car had a puncture and he made her change the wheel in front of us all, even though she had white trousers on, and kept making comments like 'well that's how you learn, I'm not doing it for you'. He could have done it himself quickly and subtly in about 3 minutes, instead it was a long, drawn out, humiliating process. I don't mean that women can't change wheels, of course they can. But he clearly had better knowledge than her and we could have just got on with the day, rather than subject her to this sort of double humiliation - that and then having to go out for lunch in ruined trousers. I remember my gran being pretty furious after.

Sorry he being my aunt's father.

Triflenot · 08/05/2023 23:14

I don’t understand this thread. I cut my own hedges.

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 23:16

Triflenot · 08/05/2023 23:14

I don’t understand this thread. I cut my own hedges.

The thread isn't about hedges and cutting them. It is about men who would never help a woman or seem to think women are out to get them or exploit them. And whether a woman should be in a relationship with such a man.

It was pretty clear from the OP's posts at the beginning which said nothing about hedges.

PaintedEgg · 08/05/2023 23:17

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 23:11

He will do dishes if I've cooked and clean the kitchen and he works very hard at his job so it's not laziness it's more a power thing

so maybe he just does not like working in a garden...some people don't

and everyone is sometimes on a lazy side and doesn't want to get up when someone asks them to bring something (especially if this person can do it themselves)

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 23:18

Mariposista · 08/05/2023 23:12

I will always remember my aunt's parents coming round to my gran's shortly after they got married. My aunt's car had a puncture and he made her change the wheel in front of us all, even though she had white trousers on, and kept making comments like 'well that's how you learn, I'm not doing it for you'. He could have done it himself quickly and subtly in about 3 minutes, instead it was a long, drawn out, humiliating process. I don't mean that women can't change wheels, of course they can. But he clearly had better knowledge than her and we could have just got on with the day, rather than subject her to this sort of double humiliation - that and then having to go out for lunch in ruined trousers. I remember my gran being pretty furious after.

Yes it's similar to this, it's like he would view this as tough love, she'll learn, I can cut the hedge but I'm surprised that anyone would let someone they love struggle

OP posts:
Mel146 · 08/05/2023 23:18

He do you know if it's a power thing?

... In all honesty if you really aren't feeling this man and think he always wants the upper hand then I don't really see this working out. Maybe you are having an off day or maybe this is an off relationship.

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 23:19

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 23:16

The thread isn't about hedges and cutting them. It is about men who would never help a woman or seem to think women are out to get them or exploit them. And whether a woman should be in a relationship with such a man.

It was pretty clear from the OP's posts at the beginning which said nothing about hedges.

Show quote history

Thank you Pallisers! Xx

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 08/05/2023 23:19

Im assuming you have more than one pair of tools to cut the hedge and dont just expect to do it all for you, right?

AlexClo · 08/05/2023 23:20

Maybe he just dislikes the presumption that because he's a bloke he should help out with all the physical/dirty jobs?

Mariposista · 08/05/2023 23:22

Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 23:18

Yes it's similar to this, it's like he would view this as tough love, she'll learn, I can cut the hedge but I'm surprised that anyone would let someone they love struggle

Show quote history

I have to agree. Of course both a man and woman can do the same, or similar things, but we are all better at some things than others. Take cooking for example - I do the majority, not because 'I'm the woman', but because I genuinely enjoy it and am probably better at it (I certainly make less mess). DH is good at putting things together (I can do it, but he has way more patience). it's about playing to your strengths (and not being objectionable and condescending for the sake of 'you have to learn')

Original poster
Vgtasd · 08/05/2023 23:24

Mariposista · 08/05/2023 23:22

I have to agree. Of course both a man and woman can do the same, or similar things, but we are all better at some things than others. Take cooking for example - I do the majority, not because 'I'm the woman', but because I genuinely enjoy it and am probably better at it (I certainly make less mess). DH is good at putting things together (I can do it, but he has way more patience). it's about playing to your strengths (and not being objectionable and condescending for the sake of 'you have to learn')

Show quote history

Absolutely it's playing to your strengths and being a team

OP posts:
Mouldyfoodhelp · 08/05/2023 23:25

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 23:16

The thread isn't about hedges and cutting them. It is about men who would never help a woman or seem to think women are out to get them or exploit them. And whether a woman should be in a relationship with such a man.

It was pretty clear from the OP's posts at the beginning which said nothing about hedges.

Show quote history

But the reason OP gave for thinking her DP was like this was due to not cutting the hedge so the hedge plays a big part because she's said he isn't lazy. Ergo it's about the hedge

Swipe left for the next trending thread