Men who don't help women?

[Vgtasd]

I think there is a group of men who are reluctant to help a woman, almost like "she'll not use me/I'll not be made a mug of" does that make sense? Any experience of this ladies?

I do think there are some men who can be nasty about support. But IME, it is generally not only practical support they are stingy about, but also emotional support. I've a friend whose partner declined to help her out with some DIY, and also refused to come pick her up at the train station when she had had some horrible news and could have done with a lift home.

IMO, it's the combinations of behaviours that are telling (in men or women). Someone who is selfish and uncaring will find reasons no to be supportive in multiple areas of life.

But, someone who refuses to help out in one area, might really be being reasonable.

Can you really not cut a hedge/mow a lawn/whatever?

My DP is a woman, and you know, it's amazing what you find you can do when you stop subconsciously assuming there are 'pink' jobs and 'blue' jobs. When I met DP she was much stronger and more practical than me, and when she got pregnant, I went on a steep learning curve. But ... that was useful. It was good for me to struggle for a bit, while I was learning how to do things. I've ended up feeling far more practical and capable. And now I love that I can do things.

I don't see that as tough love. It's more about realising that yes, most practical jobs can be done by women or men. Men are really not that much stronger than women - and there are very few day-to-day household tasks that women can't do.

Of course I can cut the hedge (and I Did) and I cut the grass and bleed my boiler but the point is why would you not do all you can for the people you love, I'd give lifts, cook, clean anything to help someone I love to make life easier for them

Unfortunately my dh is incapable of helping. He will take over and then do what he wants, regardless of how many times you say "no, I don't want that heavy box put here, can you put it there" he will put it where he thinks it should go. I have had to rehash plans for the garden to several rooms because he's put things where they shouldn't be; needless to say he doesn't want to 'help' move them again. Thank god dd is grown up and stronger than him now, so far more helpful when it come to it. Bless the delightful creature ♥️

In that case should I answer about how best to cut hedges. Recommendations about best tools to cut the hedge. Names of good hedge cutters.

It isn't about the hedge. It is about what the OP said in her title and OP. The hedge is an example - not a reason.

because you may not be "good" at those things - maybe he sucks at cutting hedges as much as you do, why do you assume he has to help with that particular task and washing dishes is not good enough?

Ok - does this bloke ever cook, clean, or give lifts?

If not, then he's being a dick.

Yes, they vastly overestimate their contribution and therefore feel hard done by when asked to help with anything else.
For example, he no doubt thinks that putting a couple of plates in the dishwasher is equal to planning the meal, buying the food, prepping and cooking and serving the food, as well as paying for it.
Not a keeper.

Is it a 'power' thing though or just a "it's your hedge, why I am sorting it" thing?

Yes this! He is also so mega careful with money to the point it comes across as mean

I get what you mean. I’m in a LDR, we’ve been together 5 months. I do try and do most things myself but I’m not that confident with DIY. My fella has offered to help me with stuff already. I’ve said I don’t want to put upon him. He’s got his own house to deal with and when we are together I don’t expect him to be doing jobs around my house! BUT he says he doesn’t want me to struggle when he could help me..so I have started accepting his advice and sometimes his physical help.
You would think your partner would not want to see you struggle, especially when your height plays a part! Also the money thing is 🚩

@ThisWormHasTurned thanks this is exactly what I mean x

My ex was like this. Would sit back and watch me totally exhaust myself. Every time we were going away he’d lie in bed until ten mins before watching me do everything and look after two little kids. He once watched me laying a patio with two toddlers in hand.

Total, rampant misogynist. Do not let men like this steal your energy.

Then why are you even with him?

OP you know how it goes. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has demonstrated clearly that he either a) doesn't love you or b) doesn't have the capacity to love you fully.

He may well love you as much as he is able but if that's not enough for you then the relationship has run it's course. It wouldn't be enough for me. I want to be adored in a relationship and fortunately for me, my dh does adore me. He would do anything for me. That's love. I could be dealing with your partner's power shit

Sounds just like my husband.

@ggogogoji yep that's it you've got the nail on the head I want someone to love me enough to not want me to struggle xx

Throw him back OP.

I know men who don't offer help because they say their 'hands have been batted away too many times', but if asked, they'll jump right in.

If you think he's trying to teach you a lesson, feel superior or any other shitty thing, just let him go. No-one has space or energy for such foolishness.

Then again, I'm partial to a man who's good with his hands and happy to do my heavy lifting, so he wouldn't work.

Even if it was a 'let's leave her to it so she learns' kind of thing - he's her partner not her parent so fuck that. I want a partner that helps me do things I struggle with and vice versa. I can learn with them as we go along, together.

If you get the sense he sees women as always out for something from him then he's a mysoginist. We need to stop looking for healty excuses for unhealthy people like this. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And once we recgonise that, it's best for us to say - off you fuck, duck!

Yep incel vibes.

Want little woman to know her place. Me with mighty penis in charge. Won't be told or asked to do anything by a mere woman. Oh yes and my mighty penis work money, little woman will know her financial place and won't get any of my mighty penis money because it's mine. (As the useless lump sits in your house burning through your resources).

Men like this don't deserve company, love, food, washing and sex.

Up to you if you put up with it.

Stop bending yourself out of shape trying to figure out why this mean man couldn't care enough about you to want to help you, and focus on why you have wasted 4 years on such a loser.

THAT is what you should focus on.

WHAT were you thinking.

Focus on your really low standards.

Focus on why you would do anything for a selfish mean man?

He's a loser.

What is sad is you not realising you deserve so much better than a loser.

This would turn me off a man massively. I don't care how old fashioned that is 😂

My DP gets very happy when I let him help, after being married to a man who's response to any issue or problem was "well what do you expect me to do about it?". I am very independent and don't ask, I'm having to learn to accept he enjoys helping me.

Thanks for all the advice guys! He is here this week and it will be make or break if nothing changes x

I know exactly what you mean OP and people thinking it's about gardening are being so disingenuous to make some ridiculous point!

XP would watch me struggle with heavy bags, watch me do housework (sometimes literally follow me round chatting and observing), shrug when I was talking about struggling to fit everything in, let me bike to the garage for petrol when I was worried I'd run my tank too low to make it to the petrol station etc. Other exes had their faults but would always jump in if I needed spare pair of hands or a favour and vice versa so it was really noticeable.

I know some here have said you need to ask them to help but I knew I would get a grumpy response then stonewalled for days so was trained to never ask for help. Plus, these people who need explicit instructions to be a decent human, don't deserve a relationship. I'll help anyone struggling, strangers with full hands trying to open a door, friends moving house...of course you jump in to help the person you are supposed to like most! Or, if you are unable, at least express sympathy and understanding.

You have to dump if you are questioning this quality in him and in time I bet you'll look back and realise there was other shit stuff.

My husband used to be like this until I pointed out to him how the neighbours asked why ‘bob’ didn’t cut the grass or clean the car…think he felt embarrassed that other people had noticed what a dick he was…he’s not so bad now 😃