Moving abroad. Dh wants to cut MIL off

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I feel so awkward. I really don't like MIL and over the years she has done so many mean things that I agree with dh but feel terrible cutting her off, he almost already has and if I wasn't in contact I imagine he just wouldn't speak to her again.

Nothing big but numerous minor nasty events over the years have made us question what family even is.
I think she can't help the way she is and am probably too soft, she expects constant praise and fawning over but never has much nice to say about anyone else.
She plays BIL and Dh off each other and has lied so much that BIL believes her lies and is resentful towards dh. I see why dh has almost gone nc with the occasional happy birthday, Christmas sort of texts now.

We are moving abroad to a tourist hot spot, he said that if we tell her where we're going she and BIL will magically want to be friends again for free holidays. He's right this will undoubtedly happen. He wants me to go nc and not tell them where we're going. Aibu? We have dc and I would hurt so much if they did this to me but at the same time I would never do what she's done to us.

How is she with the children ?

Yes, you are. She sounds awful. It's his choice.

His mother, his choice.

I think it is cruel to just cut her off with no word. Be honest with her and let her deal with it and process it. I’m not saying tell her where you are moving to but be honest that you are going nc and for what reason.

I’d respect his decision
remember he has a whole childhood with her !
id try and get him to open up and understand what she has been like and respect his decisions here

Cut her off. You owe her nothing and if her own DS wants to do this, why should you feel guilty?

How would you feel in his shoes?

It’s his choice, you have presumably not had to deal with her nonsense as long as he has.

If your DH feels this way then cut her off. It’s his mother and his decision.

This is his decision to make, not yours.
She sounds awful. Especially to have ruined the relationship between her two sons.

I think she's owed an explanation otherwise she might think you've moved and been murdered or died in a car crash or something! Plus an explanation can help with closure, whereas just ghosting her she might cone and hunt you down/be constantly seeking an explanation through calls or letters or whatever.

People on Mumsnet always say don't ghost dates, it's so harsh etc etc, yet seemingly it's fine to cut out your own parent without a second thought?!

Your husband is being a bit cowardly imo. Do you have children? Surely they will ask if so.

It's difficult with him being almost NC already but you not. Logistically how is this to be managed, how much contact with her do you currently have? How much contact do the dc have with her? Does your DH imagine you can keep things normal right up to the day of departure and then just vanish? What if one of the dc gives away the destination?

It feels like maybe DH needs to write to his mother to say 'we've decided to end contact with you for the following reasons' prior to departure so the two issues are not conflated.

I don't understand why you put your MIL ahead of your husband. You say yourself she has done many mean things yet you have continued a relationship with her while she continues to abuse your husband.

Time to support your husband and put your own family first. Why would you allow your relationship with her to continue when your husband has asked you to go NC. It's cruel and hurtful

It’s cowardly and cruel to cut someone off with no explanation. It makes you almost as bad as them, in my opinion. The mature thing to would be to explain that you’re moving and that you won’t be accepting visits, and why.

Tell them where you're going but don't let them stay with you?

'I'm sorry, we won't be accepting guests at our new home, so if you're planning a trip to see us make sure you book accommodation early as it gets very pricey'
We'll just stay with you!
'Nope, remember I said we weren't having guests stay here and you needed to book accommodation?!'

Boundaries, I know some people don't tell family where they live. I don't have that life experience so I find it difficult to imagine. This might be a half way point?

I do not really contact her anymore but if she contacts I reply. Because she knows dh has basically cut her off, she then set up a group chat with me and him in it to basically 'force' him to communicate or acknowledge her. It is so awkward because she will say things like how are you all and only I will respond. I've tried leaving it but feel so awkward when days go by and she then texts again things like ???! Because she knows we're ignoring her.

She isn't interested in our dc. But she tells everyone else she is. She even told BIL she looked after our dc when they were younger This upset us because it was totally untrue despite us welcoming her to look after them if she wanted to with no expectations. She told us that she wasn't looking after anymore dc now she's raised her own.

She now looks after BIL dc despite showing no interest in ours from the day they were born. We always offered her to look after the dc anytime if she wanted them alone or with us as I was never sure if it was just that she didn't like me.
I do want to respect dh whilst doing the right thing. Whatever that is.

I am NC with my mother. I would consider it a huge betrayal if a partner kept in touch with her against my wishes.

^^ This. Leave the group and block her.

Your loyalty is to your dh. Never let her come between you. Suggest to dh you /he write her a letter with the basics on.
And agree to never mention her name again.

We are nc with my ils. We had one last rant about mil then forgot all about her..

@Annoyingwurringnoise thank you. Do you think I should tell her why I'm going nc. Or just ignore her?

Who says you have to host her if you move aboard? That would be a def noway from me.
I'm with dh on this, the fact you keep in any form of contact with her would be off imo considering what you have said about her.

I wonder if your husband would consider writing out his feelings in a latter that he may or may not send. Least then his feelings are out and not festering inside, she knows why he’s no longer talking to her and you can both move on.

Letter

@finallygotospeaktoSky I think it's because she bad mouths us to everyone I don't like that because we haven't done anything wrong and it's just another stick to beat us with if she isn't allowed to stay. But I think everyone is right here, I need to stop facilitating it and respect dh wish to go nc.

I think you tell her directly:
you will no longer be in contact
tell her why in a factual way
be prepared for her to send a defensive (or attempted conciliatory) response or flying monkey response via BIL
reiterate your boundaries (perhaps LC if she is genuinely sorry)
then NC/LC going forward shutting down your social media etc

Anything else is subjecting her to never having closure, grieving someone who hasn't died, no right to reply and is unnecessarily cruel.