Moving abroad. Dh wants to cut MIL off

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I feel so awkward. I really don't like MIL and over the years she has done so many mean things that I agree with dh but feel terrible cutting her off, he almost already has and if I wasn't in contact I imagine he just wouldn't speak to her again.

Nothing big but numerous minor nasty events over the years have made us question what family even is.
I think she can't help the way she is and am probably too soft, she expects constant praise and fawning over but never has much nice to say about anyone else.
She plays BIL and Dh off each other and has lied so much that BIL believes her lies and is resentful towards dh. I see why dh has almost gone nc with the occasional happy birthday, Christmas sort of texts now.

We are moving abroad to a tourist hot spot, he said that if we tell her where we're going she and BIL will magically want to be friends again for free holidays. He's right this will undoubtedly happen. He wants me to go nc and not tell them where we're going. Aibu? We have dc and I would hurt so much if they did this to me but at the same time I would never do what she's done to us.

I think you have to be led by your DH in this, you have no idea what his feelings towards her during his childhood were (he probably finds it difficult now to describe those feelings) Be assured those feelings must run very deep if he wants to go NC with her.
You have seen some of the behaviour but you do not have his exprerience and remember neither does his brother, so perhaps don't judge him too harshly either.

She sounds like a manipulative cow. Don’t let her pit you against your husband the way you say she's done to the brothers. If she has no interest in your children, I definitely don't understand what your dilemma. It's OK to let go of shit people.

If you want to do the right thing, then you need to respect your DH's wishes on this one. He has suffered decades of abuse at her hands. He is now trying to protect both himself from further abuse. He is also doubtless worried that she will take any opportunity to abuse your dc as well. So please back off and let this be his decision.

She is your DH mother.
It’s his choice to not ge in touch with her anymore.

You should have his back and support his decision. Just like you would want him to have your back if she was being nasty to you.

Go NC.

And have a plan in place when they will learn where you live and come back to you all nice and friendly. (Or playing the guilt card etc….)

You need to seriously consider why you are prioritising your MIL over your DH, particularly as you don’t think he’s overreacting to her poor behaviour.

You know she is trouble. Abide with your husbands choice and go and live a lovely new life.

I don't like that because we haven't done anything wrong and it's just another stick to beat us with if she isn't allowed to stay.

What you are saying though is that you are happy to play HER game so people think well of you.
The issue here is you struggling to deal with the uneasiness of others judging you from hearsay.

If your dh wants to be free of his mother, then she was emotionally abusive.

Nobody (in sound mind) goes no contact with aa parent who is flawed but loving.

He doesn't need to tell her. He has been indirectly telling her the relationship is over for years with low/no contact. She hasn't tried to apologise, change or make amends in that time. He doesn't want to be emotionally abused any more.

Who would?

I’ve been NC with my mother for 3 years and I’ve had a hard time getting my DH to respect my wishes. He comes from a very mother-centric country where the mother is always right, no matter what her behaviour.

I deliberately didn’t pass on our address when we moved country; unfortunately my father gave it to her and now she sends cards. My DH always feels obliged to send her a message or video of my son (I’ve blocked her number) and now she will message him. I can’t make him understand that his being in contact with her undermines my wishes. I have very valid reasons for being NC.

Please, respect your DH’s feelings. It’s his relationship to manage, not yours. Just stay out of it entirely and leave it to him.

Look, I'm a MIL and obviously would be very distressed if part of my family cut me off. BUT: I am also a mother of sons and can't imagine playing the cruel games this horrible sounding woman does with hers. Not only does she treat your DH like dirt, including refusing to look after his children while happily looking after their cousins, but she is deliberately cutting him off from a relationship with his brother. Why does she even want to stay in touch with you? So she can continue to mete out abuse to the less favoured half of her brood?

I'm sure there are people around you saying "but she's his mother" etc, like being a mother is some kind of inoculation against being a bitch cow from hell. It isn't. Some people are biologically capable of becoming parents but psychologically unsuited to the role.

Your DH has been abominably treated by her his whole life. Trying to play the peacemaker between them is doomed to fail and worse, keeps his wounds open. Let him escape her; let him heal. His mother, his choice. This isn't some kind of once-off misunderstanding that can all be smoothed over by the right sort of mediation. A scorpion can't help being poisonous, but you don't pick it up and pet it anyway (repeatedly, after you've already been stung several times) - do you? It isn't going to behave any better the tenth time.

By all means tell them you're "moving", that you're no longer keeping in contact, and if you must, why (but she surely knows); that's only basic courtesy. Telling them where you're going is just asking for trouble.

Support your husband. And just leave the group with a breezy sorry mil life getting a bit hectic I need to drop out of the group

then it’s totally up to your dh

Tell mil you're moving to chernobyl. She won't want to visit😳

God she sounds like my MIL.

DH was low contact with them for a bit last year for similar reasons, but we got the same treatment. Constant question marks, explanation marks, calls. She'd often ignore anything that had been said, if she didn't like it or didn't want to talk about it, and carry on in her own little world.

I have no doubt at all that if DH had chosen to go NC and had told her why, we'd have had tears, then lies, and then she'd have ignored it and carried on as it was...

We have dc and I would hurt so much if they did this to me but at the same time I would never do what she's done to us

Your relationship with your own DC is poles apart from your MILs relationship with her two sons.

.

Just cut her off, dh had this dynamic with his M, he died last year and she made his last 5 months hell. Their is no nice side to people like that.

Brilliant. She doesn't deserve him. You need to respect your husbands wishes or this will come back to bite you .

Your DH’s choice, which you need to respect, I think. But if I was you I’d maintain some low contact so that your children can see their grandmother. (If she is okay with them). Their relationship with her is part of their identity and history and that’s really important. Can you bring them back with you once a year to see her without him?

Not your decision. It's his mother and he has probably been living this since he was a kid. Let him cut her off if he wants to.

Respect your husband's wishes.
Stop letting her manipulate him through you.
You're her enabler when you should be his supporter.

yes

Wow, no respect at all for your children's grandmother? You own her respect. I guess you don't respect your MIL and you won't mind when your child/children 's partner won't respect you at all.
Disgusting.

Ask your husband what he would prefer.

You've constantly put your mother in law ahead of your husband and it's time to stop.

You're her enabler when you should be his supporter.

This!

You don't sound very supportive of your husband. It must be hard enough for him to go NC without you enabling her.

By keeping in touch with her at all you have merely played into her hands. Indeed stop facilitating contact here and otherwise enabling her to bash your now husband with .