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Relationships

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Original poster

Moving abroad. Dh wants to cut MIL off

86 replies

spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 09:16

I feel so awkward. I really don't like MIL and over the years she has done so many mean things that I agree with dh but feel terrible cutting her off, he almost already has and if I wasn't in contact I imagine he just wouldn't speak to her again.

Nothing big but numerous minor nasty events over the years have made us question what family even is.
I think she can't help the way she is and am probably too soft, she expects constant praise and fawning over but never has much nice to say about anyone else.
She plays BIL and Dh off each other and has lied so much that BIL believes her lies and is resentful towards dh. I see why dh has almost gone nc with the occasional happy birthday, Christmas sort of texts now.

We are moving abroad to a tourist hot spot, he said that if we tell her where we're going she and BIL will magically want to be friends again for free holidays. He's right this will undoubtedly happen. He wants me to go nc and not tell them where we're going. Aibu? We have dc and I would hurt so much if they did this to me but at the same time I would never do what she's done to us.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 08/05/2023 17:11

Could you keep in touch by email and tell her you have moved somewhere nobody in their right minds would want to visit?

Original poster

spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 18:13

@tribpot I don't think my dh is strong enough to face her tirade if he says he's disappearing and won't be in touch. He is very down about it all and simply stopped contacting her one day. He said he'd rather never speak to her again. I think he's right. She has treated him badly.

I cannot believe she's still at it and she's awful to me too but I didn't want to be the one to stop all contact so kept being in communication. He has spoken to her already but she just brushes it all off.

I have been guilty of going along with the whole 'but it's your mum' thing too.
I think I've done the wrong thing staying in contact too now. I hate hurting people but as PP have said I think my loyalty has to stay with my dh here.

OP posts:

immergeradeaus · 08/05/2023 18:17

I set a lot of store in how men treat their mothers. Will he discard you like this when you’re old?

DogInATent · 08/05/2023 18:22

immergeradeaus · 08/05/2023 18:17

I set a lot of store in how men treat their mothers. Will he discard you like this when you’re old?

And none by how mothers treat their sons and daughters?

CaroleSinger · 08/05/2023 18:37

For god's sake the more you say about her the more I think why on earth is this even a dilemma for you? She's not your mum. Your loyalty has to be with DH.

Original poster

spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 18:37

@immergeradeaus she's in her 50's so hardly old imo?
I haven't seen him treat her badly. I have seen her lie over and over and destroy his relationship with his brother through the lies.

OP posts:

Original poster

spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 18:38

@CaroleSinger yes I agree. I am in the wrong.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 08/05/2023 18:58

Losingweightissohard · 08/05/2023 09:26

I think it is cruel to just cut her off with no word. Be honest with her and let her deal with it and process it. I’m not saying tell her where you are moving to but be honest that you are going nc and for what reason.

This is a choice for dh. If op tells them, it will put him in a terrible position. I would support my partner and do it his way.

Hbh17 · 08/05/2023 19:01

This is your husband's choice. Please respect his decision.

Oriunda · 08/05/2023 19:32

immergeradeaus · 08/05/2023 18:17

I set a lot of store in how men treat their mothers. Will he discard you like this when you’re old?

My DH treats his mother just fine. He had a happy, loving childhood and his mother totally deserves his love and respect.

I, on the other hand, had a terrible one. If I treated my son the way my mother treated me, I would completely merit the loss of his love; the only person to blame would be me.

I’m sick of this ‘she’s your mum’ crap. Giving birth does not make one a good mother. Love and respect need to be earned, not considered a right.

Katherine1985 · 08/05/2023 20:02

Oriunda · 08/05/2023 19:32

My DH treats his mother just fine. He had a happy, loving childhood and his mother totally deserves his love and respect.

I, on the other hand, had a terrible one. If I treated my son the way my mother treated me, I would completely merit the loss of his love; the only person to blame would be me.

I’m sick of this ‘she’s your mum’ crap. Giving birth does not make one a good mother. Love and respect need to be earned, not considered a right.

Show quote history

I’m sick of this ‘she’s your mum’ crap. Giving birth does not make one a good mother. Love and respect need to be earned, not considered a right.

Yes indeed! The answer to this is ‘but he’s her son’

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