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Original poster

Moving abroad. Dh wants to cut MIL off

86 replies

spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 09:16

I feel so awkward. I really don't like MIL and over the years she has done so many mean things that I agree with dh but feel terrible cutting her off, he almost already has and if I wasn't in contact I imagine he just wouldn't speak to her again.

Nothing big but numerous minor nasty events over the years have made us question what family even is.
I think she can't help the way she is and am probably too soft, she expects constant praise and fawning over but never has much nice to say about anyone else.
She plays BIL and Dh off each other and has lied so much that BIL believes her lies and is resentful towards dh. I see why dh has almost gone nc with the occasional happy birthday, Christmas sort of texts now.

We are moving abroad to a tourist hot spot, he said that if we tell her where we're going she and BIL will magically want to be friends again for free holidays. He's right this will undoubtedly happen. He wants me to go nc and not tell them where we're going. Aibu? We have dc and I would hurt so much if they did this to me but at the same time I would never do what she's done to us.

OP posts:
SOMumm · 08/05/2023 12:41

This is your husband’s decision which you should support.

As you are moving to a Tourist Hot Spot perhaps you should
consider not telling anyone your new address !?
Acquaintances can be hard faced about appearing unannounced
unwelcome, on your new hard earned doorstep, usually 7/8pm.

billy1966 · 08/05/2023 12:42

I feel so sorry for your husband.

An awful mother and a wife more concerned with how she is perceived and spoken about, than him and his feelings.🙄

Your poor husband.

Your behaviour is all about yourself and how you feel, rather than your husbands feelings.

I cannot understand such disloyalty.

I bet privately your husbands feelings about you have changed, because you clearly don't respect or honour his truth.

Be very careful, marriages where there is such blatent disloyalty are weakened hugely by it.

I think a spouse remaining in contact with a parent despite their partner being NC is the height of passive aggressive disloyalty and shows a huge ego at play.

That they would think they know better, that they feel they should respond or cannot understand that some childhoods were difficult and some parents not good.

Either way it is a complete disrespect of the partner concerned and IMO they should protect themselves from YOU as much as their parents, as you clearly don't have their back.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/05/2023 12:43

Tell her you are moving abroad. don’t tell her where

tara66 · 08/05/2023 13:01

Just shut down and shut up. Simple.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/05/2023 13:04

I couldn't be married to someone who did this to his mother

BananaSpanner · 08/05/2023 13:11

I’d mute the group and stop replying if that is what DH wanted but I notice (unless I’ve missed it) that he hasn’t left the group. So maybe on some level, he likes that you are a link to her.

Whilst she sounds unpleasant, I couldn’t move country and not let a parent know. On a basic human level, I would let that person know that I had moved and was safe, no further contact or address sharing would have to be made.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/05/2023 13:12

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/05/2023 13:04

I couldn't be married to someone who did this to his mother

Have you ever been in the situation yourself though?

My Dad suffered years as the recipient of abuse from his father.

Though he didn't go NC , there were things that I wondered about but fell into place years later when I found out .

Violasaremyfavourite · 08/05/2023 13:14

I once didn't act very well towards one of my children about something and they were very hurt. I would have hated to be cut off. The difference is that I have tried very hard over the years to make up for my behaviour and never to repeat it. It sounds as if your MIL has been very toxic for a long time and if your husband is prepared to cut contact, then I think your loyalty must be to your long-suffering husband rather than his nasty mother. I think there are parent relationships which are extremely toxic and people who have a normal family can't even begin to grasp how bad these are and why people are driven to this.

BananaSpanner · 08/05/2023 13:15

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/05/2023 13:04

I couldn't be married to someone who did this to his mother

I agree. Nothing that the OP has described sounds like she deserves to be left not knowing whether her child and grandchildren were alive or dead. No contact fine but the trauma of just disappearing off the face of the earth is brutal.

MrsSquirrel · 08/05/2023 13:16

DogInATent · 08/05/2023 12:18

Respect your husband's wishes.
Stop letting her manipulate him through you.
You're her enabler when you should be his supporter.

^This

Ask him what he wants you to do, then do what he says. You will be protecting him.

Original poster
spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 13:18

Thanks for a the posts. Dh has not explicitly asked me to go nc until now. I didn't look at is as disloyal to him but I can see that from this thread that it would be.

I have always stayed in touch as I feel bad that she would no longer have any communication with her gc even though she has no real interest tbh. I'm actually realising I am in the wrong now. I don't argue with him about going nc just not feeling so good about cutting someone off that's all. But I get it I need to agree with dh. I do agree he has good reason to go nc as well. I'm quite sure if we said where were she would turn up!

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 08/05/2023 13:24

Annoyingwurringnoise · 08/05/2023 10:29

I am NC with my mother. I would consider it a huge betrayal if a partner kept in touch with her against my wishes.

Absolutely this. Don’t let this woman come between you and your DH. It’s his mother, his decision, and you need to support him - I would imagine it’s been hell, and he needs to know you have his back. Cut her off, block and ignore.

Original poster
spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 13:32

@Highlyflavouredgravy I am happy to stay with dh i genuinely think his reasons are fair. He has pulled her up before and she says well I'm sorry you feel that way. But in a tone that suggests it's his fault for having feelings that don't match hers and she carries on as if nothing happened.
There is no getting through to her, if there was I think we'd have managed to by now.

She lies a lot as well. Twists stories to suit the agenda.
I actually think I have been disloyal to him. This will be our chance to go now to cut ties, we can just tell BIL we are moving out the U.K. but not where to and let him tell her if he wants to.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/05/2023 13:35

spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 13:18

Thanks for a the posts. Dh has not explicitly asked me to go nc until now. I didn't look at is as disloyal to him but I can see that from this thread that it would be.

I have always stayed in touch as I feel bad that she would no longer have any communication with her gc even though she has no real interest tbh. I'm actually realising I am in the wrong now. I don't argue with him about going nc just not feeling so good about cutting someone off that's all. But I get it I need to agree with dh. I do agree he has good reason to go nc as well. I'm quite sure if we said where were she would turn up!

Tell him you will be guided by him.

I think it is perfectly reasonable that he doesn't want her and his brother knowing where he lives if it makes the move more peaceful and positive for him.

Thinking that toxic people will impose on you given half a chance is not a good beginning.

I have lived in 3 highly desirable hot spots pre and early marriage and we enjoyed ONLY having close family and friends to visit.

However we had friends that were massively imposed upon by relatives that they simply couldn't say No to.
It spoiled a wonderful posting abroad that should have been so memorable, because they were running a small hotel🙄.

Absolutely thankless.

Keep your location private, especially as you both believe they might force an unwanted visit.

Perhaps your husband can indeed send a card that you are moving and will no longer be keeping in touch.

Make sure your family are aware.

Its a sad situation but not one of his making.

MenoRageisReal · 08/05/2023 13:41

sweetgingercat · 08/05/2023 12:11

Your DH’s choice, which you need to respect, I think. But if I was you I’d maintain some low contact so that your children can see their grandmother. (If she is okay with them). Their relationship with her is part of their identity and history and that’s really important. Can you bring them back with you once a year to see her without him?

Worst Advice Ever

Seriously do NOT do this!

MenoRageisReal · 08/05/2023 13:42

@GoldenFarfalle respect has to be earned by being a reasonable and loving human being. She's not. She doesn't get a god given right to respect just because she pushed him out of her vag.

Genie321 · 08/05/2023 13:43

I have cut back contact too. I didn't want to but she really does not care about us at all. Shes done some nasty things to us and my DC and once told me i had given her nothing but pain all her life, which I haven't of course. Always looked out for her.

I have to make peace with it, for my own sake. Not to say I would ignore her if I see her but i refuse to go see her or phone her. Being a mum myself, I have come to understand that treating your own child like that is incomprehensible for me. She doesn't care about my kids too. Most hurtful thing is she has all the time in the world for her other grandkids.

Think about your DH, DC and yourself.

FlamingMadKatie · 08/05/2023 13:48

I read a lot of threads on here written by women who are unfortunate enough to have awful MILs and the resounding advice is that it is up to the DH to deal with her - his mother, his problem. So I'd follow that advice right now, and leave her to stew in her own juice. If others believe her, so what? I'll bet a lot of her friends and family know exactly what she's like. Your DH's feelings are valid too.

Oh and I say that as a MIL.

TheCatterall · 08/05/2023 13:50

Leave the group chat @spottydottylottie or mute it. Archive it. Ignore it.

you are just continuing to play her game by giving her any time or effort.

she isn’t interested in your children. Her behaviour is emotionally damaging your DH. Most folks that know her will see through her lies about you both.

support your DH. Stop the contact. Move on and have a much happier life without her added drama.

mindutopia · 08/05/2023 14:37

Best thing you can do is to support Dh’s choices. Moving away is a wonderful opportunity to start fresh.

I am nc with my mum (my only family) and when we moved, I never told her where and she’d have no idea how to find us. It’s wonderful. She can still harass me electronically (I refuse to block her because it’s what she wants so I just ignore), but I no longer get crazy stuff in the post and she can’t turn up at the house.

But if Dh was going behind my back with her and not supporting me, it would be the end of our marriage. That’s how damaging she has been to my life and our dc. Thankfully, Dh has always supported me 100% (despite being the most passive conflict avoidant person ever) and that’s made such a difference and made an incredibly difficult situation so much better than the alternative.

DogInATent · 08/05/2023 15:24

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/05/2023 13:04

I couldn't be married to someone who did this to his mother

There's nothing in the job description of 'mother' that says they can't be arseholes. Just like there's no automatic respect clause in the role of 'grandmother'.

forrestgreen · 08/05/2023 15:25

Depends what platform she uses to message you both.

'Just to let you know I'm coming off 'messenger' for a while, the notifications are becoming overwhelming'

Original poster
spottydottylottie · 08/05/2023 16:21

@DogInATent I agree with this. I have respected her as the mother of my dh as much as I can. I used to try very hard to gain her respect in the early days but after dc were born I could longer just put it down to her not liking me, it was just plain mean to ignore her gc as well imo especially as we have even tried to say she can see them with us or without us if it means she can have a relationship with them (in case it was us that was the problem) they're old enough now to see her if she wanted to as well.

I suppose I have less of a backbone and more forgiving (not necessarily a good attribute!) when it comes to not going nc.

Reading these thoughts here, I do not want to feel used because we live in a 'holiday' area and this will definitely happen. Time to listen to dh.

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 08/05/2023 16:39

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/05/2023 13:04

I couldn't be married to someone who did this to his mother

You don't know what she has done to him through his life to judge him this way
My Dh cut his mother off, it was a lifetime of abuse. He was 30 when he cut her off. She could be sweet s pie and then just as vile. It was the only thing he needed to do for his mental health, he's a better man for it and a better husband and father.

tribpot · 08/05/2023 17:06

I do think it's important the final message comes from DH, not you. Otherwise she is likely to believe that it's you trying to keep her away from DH - which will focus the attentions of the flying monkeys on you, and you've already shown that (like most people) you don't want to cause a fuss and will try to go along to get along. I suspect they will target you anyway as the weak link, but at least if DH has sent that initial message you can just keep referring them back to you.

Talk to DH about how he wants to go about this; he's never formally gone NC with his mother, hence this awkward situation where you're almost trying to fill the gaps in conversation because he won't respond.