Wanting partner to get a vasectomy reversal

[Engineeringmum]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, I have one child aged 7 and he has 2 adult children, I am 40 he is 55.

When I was with my ex husband, we struggled to conceive naturally, had to go down the IVF route eventually I fell pregnant with my child, but then had a miscarriage just over 2 years ago (ex husbands child).
I have always wanted to be a mum, I’ve never truly gotten over the miscarriage I had, and I would love to have another baby, the problem is my partner had a vasectomy 15 years ago.

I’m trying to convince him to have a reversal, I love him so much and I think a baby would just complete our family, I don’t want my child to be an only child but he is saying he doesn’t want anymore children.

I don’t know what to do here. Does anyone know if a vasectomy after all that time can be reversed successfully?

Thank you.

He's too old

His body his choice.
Even if he did do it, at 40 you don't have much chance of getting pregnant.

Just want to point out that OP doesn't necessarily have a fertility problem as many on here have suggested. She struggled to conceive with her previous partner. It's incorrect to assume that she would have difficulties with a different partner (even at the age of 40)....many 40 year old women are still fertile.

There seems to be a strong tendency in society to assume that fertility is the female partners issue and this really irritates me.

many 40 year old women are still fertile

Some are, but as a whole, statistically they don’t look great on the bell curve. Put that together with a male over 55yo who needs a vasectomy reversal and it’s starting to get into fantasy land.

Irrespective of that, who would want to become a new parent in their late 50’s? It’s when you are enjoying your kids becoming independent and you get freedom back (not only time but also hands on caring duties but also somewhat financially). How many people in late 50’s want to be arm deep in dirty nappies and up several times a night, only to be followed by the toddler years? You are approaching more of a grandparent phase where you hand them back for the hard yards as you have already done it and are not really up for it at this point. Even if this were to occur, I wonder if OP would be back on AIBU complaining her DH isn’t pulling his weight looking after the baby/toddler and then drip feeding he is approaching 60yo.

I think after 15 years you're looking at something like a 30 percent chance of a reversal succeeding.

My Dad met his new partner at about 50. Never begrudged him as my Mom wanted the separation but by that point my brother and I were in out 20s. I'd have thought he was mad if he'd have been talking about more kids (wouldn't have happened as partner a similar age).

This! Some very harsh comments when OP is probably already feeling low and vulnerable. He’s not the first or the last guy to have a baby in his 50s! Ideal? Of course not, but life is often far from ideal. And OP would very likely be the one doing the majority of baby care and the nitty gritty bits of parenting anyway, let’s face it.
Of course the fact that he doesn’t want one is a different story so unfortunately doesn’t sound like it might happen with him. I’m sorry OP, it must be really hard. You might want to get counseling and talk it through with someone.

He's 55
he has adult children
he decided 15 years ago he doesn't want more children
In what way does any of that add up to him having this procedure done and trying for a baby with you?? Let it go, it's not happening. You are a mum, enjoy the child you have and the life you have. Don't pine for something that you can't have.

Not harsh just true

“Give your head a wobble”
”Leave the poor man alone”
”You’re being ridiculous”
”Grandad territory”

Really, not harsh?

@Jackienory this isn't true at all

1. He doesn't want another child 2. He has had the snip and reversal is not always successful 3. Time is not your side, if you've struggled previously now being over 40 with a partner who is snipped is only going to be more difficult.

You really need to manage your expectations here and be realistic.

A man of 55 isn't going to change his mind about wanting a baby. You must have realised when you got together with him that babies were off the table?

He's told you he doesn't want anymore children.
He's had a vasectomy.
If he had a baby he'd be exhausted by it, and not the best Dad he could be.

Please don't let your 'yearning' for a baby override the fact that it wouldn't be fair to bring a child in to your circumstances, even if you could convince or coerce your partner in to having one.

As no point has he ever given you reason to think he would want another child. He’s 55, he already has two adult children, he has literally had a vasectomy- that’s how much he doesn’t want children. He has told you to your face that he doesn’t want anymore children. You respect his choice and decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

I agree with @evuscha some harsh comments here but it seems to be an ongoing theme through MN so let's try and show empathy to women who bravely come here and share their stories and let's remember that we do not always get the full picture here, usually stories are shared very much in a nutshell and reality is often much more complicated. That aside as a woman same age as OP ( but no children of my own) with a DP of same age as OP's and also after vasectomy with his 2 adult DCs from his previous relationship, I would say - from my own experience - he will not have another child. When I met my DP I was very clear about wanting a family. My ex husband did not want children which he told me after nearly a decade of relationship. I met my DP and despite him being after vasectomy he promised me he will get a reversal. I believed him. Naive I was! I divorced my ex with whom I was at that point separated for a while and I was full of hope starting on my new path. Fast forward 7 years no child. I did all the tests that revealed I am still fertile despite my age but he did not make one appointment to explore his options. Instead there have been excuses after excuses often related to money. We are both high earners so money would not be a problem. As a result I now resent him and I am ready to leave. I am childfree, still young and can still embrace life. What I did learn from this experience is that actions speak louder than words. Always. No action is also action like silence is also an answer. With resentment comes sadness and anger and that awful feeling that you are committed to a man that (in my case) denied you motherhood specially when you were honest about it day one and you trusted him and his promise. Meaning I did. OP has her child and she can cherish the motherhood and focus on that. I understand her love for her DP and wanting to have a child with him. In my book a man that denies us a child together but has children with another woman is not worth me and my time and being part of my life. And even if a woman then remains childless at least she doesn't have to look at the man who caused her misery. In my case my DP promised me a child if we get properly together ie get a mortgage together (his view). He even proposed! I felt I was being blackmailed as my bio clock was ticking loud and I was being asked to take mortgage out first before a child. I remained still and watched what will happen, soon I realised that it was all about bigger property (and mortgage) to tie me in and the beneficiaries would only be DPs children. Our child was never on the cards. Account for age gap I would end up paying off the mortgage whilst DP retires and when he leaves this world I would end up in court with his DCs fighting over a roof over my head. No way. Relationships are complex. People have agendas. Men lie.

I’m sorry @karite about your experience, it’s absolutely horrible to promise you a future with no intention of fulfilling the promise and to trick you into a mortgage like that. Well done for spotting it and getting out. You still have time to find someone and have a baby, I know quite a few women who had healthy babies in their 40s! 💐

Presumably OP didn’t discuss it with her DP in the beginning and maybe didn’t even expect herself to want a baby until later in the relationship so it doesn’t sound like her DP did any future faking. It’s still difficult coming to terms with it so hopefully maybe through counseling you’ll find some peace, or at least make a decision if leaving the relationship in order to have a baby with someone else would be the right thing to do.