Wanting partner to get a vasectomy reversal

[Engineeringmum]

I have been with my partner for 2 years, I have one child aged 7 and he has 2 adult children, I am 40 he is 55.

When I was with my ex husband, we struggled to conceive naturally, had to go down the IVF route eventually I fell pregnant with my child, but then had a miscarriage just over 2 years ago (ex husbands child).
I have always wanted to be a mum, I’ve never truly gotten over the miscarriage I had, and I would love to have another baby, the problem is my partner had a vasectomy 15 years ago.

I’m trying to convince him to have a reversal, I love him so much and I think a baby would just complete our family, I don’t want my child to be an only child but he is saying he doesn’t want anymore children.

I don’t know what to do here. Does anyone know if a vasectomy after all that time can be reversed successfully?

Thank you.

This time 2 years ago you were pregnant with your ex’s child. This is moving very fast, especially As you have another child who presumably is also living with this very new partner? You can’t have been together long?

Ignoring all of that, he doesn’t want another child. He is moving into grandfather territory (and is more than old enough to be your child’s grandfather) and has his own adult children already.

I know this isn’t AIBU but you are BVU.

You’ve only been with this guy 2 years, you’ve already got a child and he doesn’t want one.

There’s no way I’d want a child at 55.

Find something else to occupy your time.

Please read and take in these sensible comments.

Seriously?
He's 55
You're 40 with prior fertility issues
He doesnt want a baby - leave it alone!!

You need counselling op to consider how you feeling about this

@Engineeringmum Your partner is 55, he'd be at least 57 before the baby was born. He'd be 75 before the child turned 18. The average life expectancy is 80 in the UK.

Why would you do this to a child? At over 60 when they started school, your DP would be the same age as some of the grandparents. The child could have half nieces and nephews older than them! Likely lose their dad before fully into adulthood. Grossly unfair to the child even if it was likely to be possible.

Sperm quality decreases with age, considering you are also over 40 with fertility issues a reversal would almost certainly not result in pregnancy.

I'm sorry OP, I totally get yearning for another child. But with a partner approaching their 60s by the time you get sorted, you must know that's not going to work.

As the adult child of a father who went on to have more kids in his 50's don't try to push him into this. His family is 'complete'.

@OP, he knew 15 years ago that he did not want anymore children , and 15 years later he still does not want anymore children. It is selfish and unfair to try to convince a man who is both older and certain the he does not want a child. His children are adults, and clearly he isn't interested in revisiting those early child rearing stages.

You say that you want another child, so you either need to go it alone or find a partner who wants to be a father.

He doesn’t want anymore children.

So whether or not it could be reversed is a totally irrelevant question anyway. You can't/shouldn't coerce or sway someone into having a child they don't want.

Plus at 55, even if he did, let's say he takes a bit of time to change his mind, then time to actually get referred and reverse the procedure, then time to fall pregnant, then the actual pregnancy. He will be fast pushing 60 and you will be mid forties. There are lower chances of successful pregnancies, higher rates of miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, pregnancy/birth complications etc.

If you want to stay with your partner, then I honestly would put your energies into focusing on the family you have and enjoy them.

You already are a mum. Your bf has already completed his family and made that certain 15 years ago.

I think you'll have to make peace with the baby days are over.

Age isn’t the issue here.

My father was in his 50s when we were born. He was an amazing father, and I wouldn’t exist if he hadn’t chosen to do that.

I’d have to be a complete moron to feel that a) exciting and b) having an amazing dad was ‘unfair’ to me.

What a golden life you’ve led if a slightly older parent is the big deal you’ve experienced.

People aren't being very nice, but I agree that you need to let this go. Even women who conceived at the drop of a hat in their 20s/ early 30s struggle to get pregnant and / or have successful ongoing pregnancies at 40. With your history of infertility it is unlikely that you'd be able to have another baby. In addition, your partner doesn't want one and can't have one without surgery which might anyway be unsuccessful. If you really wanted another baby and had a good chance of being able to have one you might consider leaving him and going it alone. In this situation, at 40, I can't see why that gamble would be worth it.

@Engineeringmum

I was just asking in the hope if he does change his mind and he starts to question this.

I think you have to let go of this dream. He's known for one and a half decades he doesn't want another child - he's done, and has made that very clear to you.

You already have a longed-for child - please continue to be grateful for them and for your relationship with your partner. Don't put that in jeopardy. 🌹

Why do your wishes trump his? He says he doesn't want any more children, so I think it's time you stopped pestering him. You have a child, be content.

I agree this is the main issue. It’s the fact he doesn’t want one rather than his age. Another issue is he has adult children who may be deeply unhappy about it which might be part of the reason why he doesn’t want to. I think -if that’s the case - that should be respected too.

If he wanted kids I’d say you both should go ahead irrespective of your age but he doesn’t. And it’s not fair to bring a child into the world with a reluctant father who doesn’t want it.

I have one child aged 7 and he has 2 adult children, I am 40 he is 55.

I would say you need to concentrate on your 7-year-old and give him his best life.

The chances of a successful reversal after 15 years are just about ZERO.

I have a friend becoming a father at 60.

He'll be asked at primary school picking up his kid if that's his grandad....

Even if he had a reversal & you got pregnant the miscarriage rate increases as you get older, the same with things like Down Syndrome & autism. If you were to have another child, could you cope on your own with two children if your relationship ended? One of my friends was persuaded by her new husband to adopt as she had a hysterectomy. They adopted two brothers who were diagnosed with additional needs after the adoption, then a year later he announced he didn't love her & left leaving her at 44 with two toddlers with additional needs. Her first children were at least 20 & she was saddled coping with sleepless nights, feeds & nappies at 44, as she said it should have been her time now but instead she now has two teenage boys to care for.

Thinking about trying to have a baby in this situation just isn’t rational.

op, you should perhaps reflect on the fact that your motivation for having another baby might not just be to have another child. sometimes When something is wrong within ourselves we can seek a distraction or even obsess over something unrealistic. Even if we obtain the object of that obsession, it won’t actually cure the real underlying problem.

given how unrealistic having a child is with your current life, I can’t help but wonder if seeking another baby is just a distraction for yourself.

Not one bit of this is realistic.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

My dad retired at 55.
He doesn't want another child his children see now adults

It is hard when you get to the point where you realise you won't be having another baby. No matter how many children you have, or financial or health problems, that tiny voice inside you of 'one more little baby' is tough to ignore.

Realistically, you're unlikely to conceive a healthy child again and you might be setting yourself up for a lot of heartache as well as seriously damaging your relationship with your husband.

Let your head rule your heart and put aside hopes of pregnancy. Maybe speak to a counsellor if it's too hard and is affecting you.

It sounds like you need help to go through your feelings about the miscarriage, which may well be exacerbated by being caught up in the breakdown of your previous relationship. That's hard and you've not got over it. You've moved on to a relationship with a much older man with a vasectomy and no wish to have children. This will exacerbate your longings even more. Which doesn't mean they need acting on but they can't just fester and make you feel bad. You have to get help to address them.

It isn't going to happen with this guy. If the longing for another child took precedence, you'd leave and find a younger man who wanted a family now. Or have a baby on your own with donor sperm. Neither of these are options with certain outcomes, especially with your fertility issues and age, but they have more hope for another child than being with a man who expressly doesn't want one. It says a lot that you went for him, and favour staying in the hopes he'll change, when he surely won't and can't. Perhaps that's ultimately for the best and when you move past this point of longing, you'll be glad it didn't happen.

It sounds like he is done with kids. You need to think about how much you want another child. You have the option of leaving the relationship and hopefully meet someone that’s wants children. Or look into using a donor. It really comes down to how much you want a child vs how much you want this particular relationship. It’s tricky when people want different things.