Affairs can end up long term

[potatohead1]

As our current Queen proves. Contrary to many MN assertions. It is not rare for relationships that started out as affairs can indeed prove long lasting.
I'm not in an affair. I'm not condoning them. I'm just challenging typical MN rhetoric

@putalidonit Do you have personal experience of affairs?

if the end result is the relationship in the gutter then they very much compare. It's not down to the relationship or to the partner of a cheater - its down to them. Marriage, kids and years together literally mean nothing if someone cares so little about it they will throw it all out for an affair

people lie best when they lie to themselves - and i think that's why so many abandoned people so honestly believe their relationship was somehow better then their ex's new relationship, completely ignoring the fact that said ex obviously did not share this view

I think it extremely cruel to talk about a relationship being in the gutter and that their relationship means nothing. To the person who has been cheated on I mean.

to the person cheated on - yes, to the person who cheated - clearly it didn't mean as much. and i think part of this denial about people who do awful things coming out on top comes from this difference.

You can apply as much value to something as you want, but if the other person doesn't appreciate it then not only will they be able to disregard it easily, they may not carry any guilt or feel negative long term impact of it

basically what I am saying is that sometimes people do bad things and there is no karma because life is not a Dickens novel

So you're really going down the route of referencing the cheater's values, or lack of values. I think that's pertinent, and people change over the years. A person can be a devoted spouse for decades and then relatively quickly turn into a different person due to all sorts of life events. I get that. What I don't get is when women report being blindsided. The man must be a piece of work to maintain two relationships, with his wife not having a clue that the OW even exists!

Wasn't there a thread on here recently about a OW saying that she knew pretty much most of the time where the wife of her affair partner was, yet she said that the wife didn't even have a clue she (the OW) existed?
I cannot begin to understand what sort of effort that must take on the part of the man to maintain that sort of double existence.

to be honest I personally believe in wilful ignorance and don't buy the "we were so happy, why did he do it". People I know who were cheated on or, in a bit more fair scenario, left for another person before affair started, generally were not saints. Nobody is after all, and up until the point of relationship breakdown they'd have their own complaints about their now-ex and their relationship

its only after that the relationship suddenly becomes perfect and they dont know how it could have happened

I can absolutely understand people being so unhappy in a relationship that they no longer want to be in it. Ive been there. I can't understand why they have an affair as a way to leave the relationship. It's weak and cowardly imo.

I know of a few, both the one that left and the one that got left. I am late 50s so many relationships have come and gone around me in that time.
I haven't cheated and I haven't been cheated on as far as I know. Oh apart from once when I was about 20 but that was not very significant a relationship and meh, we broke up and everyone moved on. No idea where he is or what he is doing. Hope he's well.

Of the people I know:
1 is settled happily with his AP. Have been married for 10 ish years. They have 2 dc. The ex met someone new a couple of years after. They too seem very settled. Afaik no more dc. They get on with their exes - not as in they holiday together but they catch up when they see each other at events and there is no animosity.

1 was left by their partner who moved abroad with their AP. I know ex and AP are still together but no idea what the state of anything is. My friend is very happy with their current dh. They openly say they are much happier and they and their ex should have split years ago but it needed something to push them and the affair was it. It was not nice but they are almost grateful as they are in a much better place now.

Another couple split after an affair. The affair lasted a good few years but they drifted apart. The left partner dates occasionally but can't be arsed to be in anything serious. Says they prefer living on their own. Big social group. I'm pretty sure there isn't much contact between the exes but no negative slagging off. Just disinterest it seems.

I know a couple more but you get the idea. They are all different but most seem to view it as just part of life's journey and after the initial turmoil, are really very content and stable. And happy. I think that is the crux of it. That they are all really settled and content people tend not to harbour anger. They understand that people do shit but that doesn't make them shit and there were reasons. And they prefer their lives now so how can you regret something if you are happy now as you wouldn't be in your current position had it not happened.

That's why I started this thread as the people irl I know are not a reflection of the visceral hate I read here. They just seem grown up about things. But then maybe an online forum in more likely to attract people with strong negative opinions. They do say that people are far more likely to leave review on stars if they want to moan that to praise.

Married my affair partner 32 years ago.. still love of each others lives.. however will always regret causing others heartache.

Gayle (Kanga) Tryon, Susan George, Sabrina Guinness, Lady Jane Wessel (according to Town and Country magazine.

He never cheated again that you know of.

My dad married his affair partner and they were together until his death 40 years later! Turns out, he didn't get on with my mum. They married early twenties. I was born when they were both 40 (so a late, accidental baby) and they divorced when I was 8.

She was a difficult woman and I can sometimes see why.

Both are now passed.

A lot of affairs start because of issues in a marriage.

Agree

Myself and my partner both ended marriages to be together. We are blissfully happy together after two quite toxic marriages. I still feel extreme guilt and shame every day at the hurt we caused. I’d like to think I would never betray him, I love him too much. Do I worry he’ll cheat on me at some point in the future? I’d be a fool not too. Even though we are so happy together, I wish we had met under vastly different circumstances.

They can, but statistically, they don't often last. So it isn't just rhetoric. It's fact based.

"For couples who began a relationship through an affair, and later marry, the statistics aren’t positive. According to the studies that have been done, over 75% of those marriages will end in divorce after five years."

Just imagine how low the ten year survival rate must be.

https://www.leandiebuys.co.za/article/can-a-marriage-with-your-affair-partner-last#:~:text=For%20couples%20who%20began%20a,in%20divorce%20after%20five%20years.

No 🙄

Exactly. They feel the need to prove that all the pain they caused was worth it.

This thread is a year old! 🙄

Consider that such people may be inherently shallow, which is they are satisfied with a relationship built on a foundation of deceit. As long as it looks good from the outside, they are content.

Yes. It's also selfish and cruel. It's justified only if the other partner has broken his/her vows first, for example by being abusive. If the partner treats them well and they cheat instead of leaving in an ethical and considerate matter, they are not good people. They will bleat on and on about how they regret it and try to justify it every which way, but it's all bullshit.

Im not sure about the stats.

I do know that it’s incomprehensible to me that some are on here boasting that their affair lasted. If your current relationship isn’t working then leave. It really is that simple and there is no excuse to cheat.

I agree. Absolutely life ruining as I well know.