Affairs can end up long term

[potatohead1]

As our current Queen proves. Contrary to many MN assertions. It is not rare for relationships that started out as affairs can indeed prove long lasting.
I'm not in an affair. I'm not condoning them. I'm just challenging typical MN rhetoric

OP, a close family friend of ours had an affair and ended up divorced from his wife and married to the OW.

Four years into the marriage he apologized to his children saying that the greatest regret in his life is causing them pain. He has had at least 2 affairs in this second marriage , but he says that he is never going to go through another divorce as he has no desire to have his assets split yet again.

His current wife was a sales clerk prior to marrying him, and she stays with him because he provides a life style that she could never hope to experience on her own Maybe she even loves him. He is a charming man. To his friends, he makes it clear that this Is no love story or grand passion.

This affair turned into a marriage that will probably last. The husband has not stopped cheating, and the wife is trapped . He has put all of his assets in trust for his children. She has a very comfortable day to day life, but he has his assets and business sheltered for his kids.

He told my dad that he thinks "that all women are much the same" and if he had it to do all over again he would have stayed single after his first marriage ended. He does not seem happy nor unhappy; he just seems resigned and determined to maintain the status quo.

I've read that Camilla does like to unwind at her own place from time to time...to he fair who wouldn't in her shoes..less formality for a bit.
I feel fairly sure if it wasn't a love match neither of them would have put themselves through all the crap they have.

They always seem to be happy together and laugh a lot.

I believe this story as the majority of men wish to be taken back and not have their wives divorce them and not have their family unit crushed. An OW marriage is nothing in comparison to the real deal. For all men. Plus they lose so much in terms of assets maintenance and pension they are screwed rotten.

Husband and I started as an affair, we have been together 25 years, until last month when he had another affair and left me. For 25 years he told me he adored me pretty much daily, our kids and the kids from his first marriage who I love and who love me, have said they always thought he loved me more than I loved him and that he'll never survive without me.
He's had years of pretty bad mental health issues and he's now just done a runner rather than face them. He's already said he'll never be as happy with her as he was with me, as things with me have been amazing, but still doesn't want to come back as he wants to be with her. It's completely baffling. That said, I wouldn't have him back either. Plus I very much doubt it'll last with her, there's some big signs pointing that way. Men are weird and my husband has a self destruct button.

if it really was the "real deal" then why did they go looking for something else in the first place @Sittwritt?

i would not give these people so much credit - their first marriage obviously meant nothing to them either and they only start regretting their affair so much once their finances get hit. wife meant nothing, mistress mean nothing, these people are inherently selfish

I don’t think anyone on MN has ever said affairs never work out long term.

But also what does ‘work out’ mean? Plenty of people just refuse to divorce a second husband or wife. I know plenty of people, later in life, who aren’t happy but won’t get divorced due to finances and the damage it will do to their retirement and general finances.

Let’s take a look at Charles and Camilla. Who knows what goes on. They both could have had multiple affairs. They could be faithful and blissfully happy. They could be miserable but gone into the second marriage 100% knowing a divorce was simply not an option. Doesn’t Camilla have a house that she spends a lot of time at with her own kids and grandkids? It may work because they don’t live in eachothers pockets. Or they don’t live in eachothers pockets because they aren’t happy when together. They may have completely fallen out of love now it’s not so dramatic and clandestine. But remained good friends and understand they must stay together.

The point is that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. You can’t say the fact that they are still together definitely means that it’s ‘worked out’ or that’s, that’s is proof that affairs definitely will.

Some will result in long term happy relationships, some in long term unhappy ones, some short term but happy while it lasted, short term and a complete life ruining disaster. But what they tend to produce is hurting someone else more than you needed to.

Believe me it is. The real deal is the package of a family. You can never recreate a family once broken and you get a new partner. That’s a step family with conflicting interests. When they realise they are losing it most men will fight a fight they never anticipated at a time the affair was secret and supposedly exciting. Many and OW has been dropped at a moment such as this. A hit flush if feelings becoming a nothing overnight.

so they drop the family for sex, then drop one affair to get the family back and you know what happens then? they drop the family again :) there is no "real deal" for cheaters, dont kid yourself

also if your theory was true it would apply to all step families and most of these dont happen as a result of affair

You fail to realise that not all relationships are good or healthy or even safe. You are very naive.

There is a difference between someone who has affairs because they can and gets a kick out of it and people who are deeply unhappy in toxic and unloving relationships.

It it ideal? No. But neither are many relationships. Anyone who lives in a world of absolutes and judgement is not a good person. Ironic then that you are banging on about morality. Look within. You need to change yourself before you start growing barbs at others there is a lot of work you need to do in yourself

Some people who consider themselves as having higher standards are actually sanctimonious judgemental individuals who would be better devoting some time on self reflection.

There is a difference between someone who has affairs because they can and gets a kick out of it and people who are deeply unhappy in toxic and unloving relationships.

I don’t agree, duplicity is wrong and unjustifiable under any circumstance.
Work within? Well if you are in a toxic relationship then yr problem is boundaries and not the other person no matter how horrid they may be. There is nothing more important than to break free, work on yourself and then seek a healthy relationship.

Statistically men will hardly ever initiate a divorce it’s almost always the other way around. And majority don’t want one, as they don’t tend to have as many exit affairs as women do, as in lining someone up to be with and looking for a way or reason out. Just because I would never contemplate that does not make me sanctimonious rather, I happen to have clarity they there is no benefit in taking a chance with another married person as men seldom abandon their wife’s for an OW unless the latter does a big reveal in order to try and get the MM. But often, even then, it does not work out in favour of the OW as the wife may look more at benefit of her children.

My DF had an affair 20+ years ago and they are still together.

He has allowed his DW to control and ruin pretty much all of his relationships with his children and extended family and there have been many dramas over the years based on her simply not trusting him. He has had to sneak around to see family members, begged people not to share photos of him at family events etc.

Of course they can

Divorce stats for 2nd marriages are higher than first marruages and 3rd marriages is even higher.

Of course not all of these marriages ended by affairs but it does highlight the challenges

This sounds like the situation my ex husband is in. Didn't even go to his own brother's funeral. I do wonder what on Earth goes through their heads when the wreckage and damage is so vast. I'm sorry this happened to your family.

My FIL is married to his AP. However SMIL puts up with a lot of shit from him. I find it hard to believe he had no further affairs after he got together with SMIL. They didn’t come to light or SMIL is a lot more tolerant than MIL was.

He’s now at an age where there’s less opportunity to have an affair.

I don't think anyone, even on MN,would claim that affairs literally never become long-term relationships. Besides, Charles and Camilla aren't exactly a good example of this, are they? Given that the affair pre-dated the actual marriage, and the fact that he didn't really have free choice to marry who he wanted.

I'm no royalist, and I'm not defending their behaviour, but it wasn't a normal extra-marital affair in any way.

Affairs last as LT relationships when the AP is a better match than the primary partner was. It happens.
They tend not to last when the affair was just an aging man wanting a last hoorah with a younger woman, or when they're the latest in the line of a serial cheat.

A friend of mine has been having an affair for almost 19 years on and off. It is still an affair as both are married. I don’t know how they can keep up the deception for that long and not get caught.

@putalidonit I do judge people who destroy families for illicit sex and then bleat on about "soulmates " or "true love"
It's a relationship built on lies, deception and the destruction of others.
I will always judge the moral compass of people who do that!
I have always had to much self respect for myself and others to be part of anything so sordid that ruins other people's lives.
But hopefully those that do are very happy together and enjoy being judged quietly ( forever) by those that know them.

I honestly don't think that's how it works. I know of a fair few people who've had affairs, and for everyone in their circle, once the dust settles, its been a 9 day wonder. People may disapprove of cheating, but typically unless it impacts their lives, they have higher priorities than holding on to lifelong judgements of other people. In reality it's far more likely the cheat keeps their own friends and simply substitutes the AP for their spouse in the social group. There's maybe a little initial chuntering but the group adapts. People don't like to think of this, but its true. Especially if the cheat and AP are a good fit with each other and the social group.

@5128gap my friends daughter had an affair.
Her own parents judge her.
Her children judge her.
They don't go on about it all the time but they also don't say " I'm really glad you lied and helped destroy two families so you can live with this man"
They keep the peace and except how it is but it's never the same .
It can't ever be the same

Correlation is not causation. It is not a random selection. You are measuring divorce rates amongst people who have already shown they are willing to divorce vs people who haven't or won't divorce. So of course people who are already willing to divorce are more likely to end in divorce. That's not always a bad thing. Staying in a bad marriage is often worse

And for every story like yours there is another where people say 'XXXX is so much better off in the new relationship. Everyone is better off'. There are countless people who have moved on, have good working relationships with the new dynamic and in cases even the cheated on spouse gets on with the new spouse. I've even known people say it was a blessing as they are all now so much happier in their new relationships.