How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

This.
And loneliness eats away at you in ways I do not have words for.
It isin’t got dumped, now I’m sad kind of way, but it is heartbreak.

Honestly, I’m suprised that some people can’t get that, I thought it was an obvious thing.

@Jk987 Thank you :) Although I gave losing a child as an example there are circumstances surrounding the heartbreak of lost romantic love where wounds will never heal. My mother never recovered from the loss of my father and depending on how it comes about, heartbreak can also lead to further issues eg abandonment and trust issues to further complicate matters.

OP the problem is, you don't say why you will be single forever so noone can really help. You found my post offensive because I have now met someone but I felt exactly as you did. For 10 years. I'd never had a relationship. Just because I've met someone now, it doesn't mean I never felt how you felt. I told you things that helped me... planning to have a child alone was one of those things.
Our journeys are all different. That doesn't mean to say we haven't felt the same at some point.

You seem to want people in only your position right now but then go on to say that whatever you have that prevents you from having a relationship is specific to you only and that noone else has this same thing. It's hard to find people to comment in that case. * *

@Rupiduti you know what MN is like. If she disclosed why, it wouldn’t be good enough and she’d have unwanted advice about whatever the thing was … either we accept and help on the info given or we can’t.

Literally, right there in my thread title, read what I’m looking for.
And I’ve said, multiple times, how I’m not here for platitudes, or asking how to find a partner.
I’ve spelled it out, many times how I want to find a way to cope with this.

If people can read and comprehend and respect my wishes that much, how the hell could they possibly help me?

So many commenters have chosen to ignore everything I’ve said and asked, you included and try to force feed me something I didn’t ask for.

But many people have given suggestions on how to deal with it.

I threw in a comment about maybe clicking with someone at some point but most of what I've said is focused on finding ways 0f coping with it. I understand that those platitudes are not helpful

And I'm not alone in that.

You cope with it by realising your worth and your happiness does not lie in having a partner. You cope by creating a fulfilling life for yourself. You cope by finding the joy in the little things, appreciating what you have, practising self care.

I'm not saying that's easy and I'm not saying it will fill the void. But it is how you 'cope' with it and you hope that, at some point, you will feel more at ease with it and more at peace with it.

At the moment, you are stuck in a negative thought pattern that is preventing you from being able to do those things with any great effect. Because you're (understandably) angry and bitter about the whole situation. Your posts reads as though you think there is a single answer that you just haven't thought of yet - oh, you just need to dance sky clad around your garden during the third full moon of the year and lay lavender at your front door and you'll wake up tomorrow feeling at peace. Or some such solution. But there is no quick or sinple answer. It lies within you.

So how do you cope with it? You just do because there's not an alternative and you make the best of your situation otherwise.

I don’t think you really expected anyone to be able to answer your question because deep down you must surely know the answer lies within you and you only. Nevertheless you have been given some good advice from others’ sharing their personal experiences (and loneliness and heartache can affect us all whatever the circumstances, yours is no different from anyone else’s in that respect), so it’s now up to you whether or not to act on it.

With loneliness and heartbreak I find the only answer is to embrace it. To accept it and be kind to yourself around it. That's not wallowing, it's just allowing yourself to feel how you feel and to process that.

Talking yourself out of it won't work. Maybe further down the line but not right now. As the pain subsides it will be easier to do some of the things people are talking about but not when it feels so painful and overwhelming.

I don't quite understand why people are so effronted by you not leaping to take on board their suggestions that you made perfectly clear you weren't seeking and actively didn't want to hear!

I think our world is changing. An ever increasing of women are staying single and childless. But society hasn’t yet caught up

I'm sorry but where have I ignored you?

You have asked for ways to cope with this?
I told you my ways of coping with being single was to accept I was maybe going to save up to have a baby alone.
That is how I coped.

I'm fed up with you accusing everyone of not reading your comments when we all are. Im trying to help but you don't seem to want to listen.

And I haven't once told you how to find a partner.

You seem really angry and bitter and I'm sorry you're feeling that why but you seem to have hated every single response on this thread when we are all trying to help you..

Ways that helped me, as stated in my posts...

1. saving to have a baby alone / adoption.
2. keeping busy - joining gym and clubs etc...
3. having dinner / drinks with friends regularly
4. I saved to buy my own flat
5. spending time with family including nieces and nephews.

These things all helped me. As I've already said.

These things may help you but they may also not help you. This is because we are all unique and one persons tactics may not be helpful for another but you've posted on an anonymous forum where no 2 people's lives are the same so you liste to the helpful tips (I've read this whole thread and there's tonnes!) And take the advice that fits for you.

• *if you can't see that people are responding to what you're asking for then I'm really not sure how to help.

@Rupiduti

Well, anyone who goes throwing a word ’bitter’ around, obviously isin’t replying with good intentions.

But anyway…

” hated every single response ”

Clearly you haven’t even been reading my replies.
Multiple time I’ve thanked those who had something usefull to say, or how what they said resonated and wish other’s well.

Strange how you chose to ignore those and just want to see and call me ’angry and bitter’.

Funny how they didn’t start arguing or calling me names.

The more you write, the harder it is to believe that some who claims to know what I’m talking about, would be so rude.

All the best in your future op. I truly hope you find happiness in your life 🙂

I get where you are coming from OP. I too have never had a relationship - or any other kind of intimacy - and sometimes it's all I long for.

I started a thread too, asking the same question, how do I come to terms with knowing it will never happen for me. The thread took a turn, because there was someone, at the time, I really liked and I was spurred on to maybe do something about it. I became hopeful for a hot minute but nothing could happen and alas I'm back to realising it won't ever happen.

I also received the same advice - date yourself, do things for you etc. And it is good advice. But we can do all those things and at the wnd of the day still feel sad, and lonely. I know you're frustrated when people say it might happen, that you don't know for sure. Truth is, you do know. Just as I know it won't happen for me. But those people aren't being nasty, they aren't deliberately trying to make you feel like crap. They're trying to give you hope because they think it's the right thing to do.

I haven't come to terms with it myself yet, so I don’t have the answer for you. I just wanted to say, I get it. I get what you're going through.

Why do you think you'll be single forever?

I do think that is different though. I was single throughout my twenties and every one else seemed to be in a relationship. I get what the OP means about the intensity of the loneliness. I sometimes 'feel lonely' in my marriage because DH is autistic and doesn't do emotional conversations. But there is someone with whom to discuss what to have for dinner, or to watch TV with and comment on the action, someone who makes a cup of tea etc. I remember when I bought my first flat, the roof leaked and then the boiler broke twice and there was never ever anyone to share the mini crises with. I just had to cope alone. Not massive things but day in day out, that does get exhausting in a way that people who have never been involuntarily long term single don't understand.

This might be a reach, no offence meant to the OP, but it sounds like she has been perhaps strung along by someone who turned out to be unavailable?

Find a spiritual practice, there is comfort and nourishments to be found in this, also it might help you to manage any negative emotions.

May I suggest talking to the Samaritans or better yet, a therapist? Get on the nhs waiting list, it is very long, but you will eventually get to the top.

The reason I say this, is you do not want to drive the people who come into your life away with the over spillage of reactivity. I think you are a very sensitive person, this is not necessarily a bad thing, you just need to find help, tools, and skills, to use your sensitivity wisely and make it work for you.
Therapist can be excellent. Give it a whirl. Might be the answer you have been looking for… it has to be a therapist that matches your personality though…. If you can pay, interview a few ti get the right fit. Well worth it.

Totally agree with this.

Thing is, no one is saying that it's a magic cure, or that it will stop someome feeling lonely, but it is how you 'cope' with it.

There is no alternative, sadly, other than just living with the pain and never having any respite from it.

When I was at secondary school, I was told every day, many times, by many, many people that I as ugly, horrible, an absolute freak and that I would never, ever have a relationship because nobody could possibly want to be with someone like me. It was like a form of brainwashing and it went on solidly for 5 years, right at the time when people are generally getting to grips with their sexuality and starting to take an interest in sex and romance.

As a consequence, it wasn't until almost 20 years after I left school that I had a relationship with anyone, and that ended very, very badly. Until my late 40s, I'd been in a handful of relationships, none lasting more than 18 months. I was convinced that I'd always be single. These are some of the things I found helped:

Ultimately, none of it really matters. We are in an enormous, complex universe. Our lives are short. Whether I'm with someone or not is inconsequential.

Realising that it puts a huge burden on one person to fix my life and that no-one should have that put on them. If my life needs fixing, I need to be the one to do it. So I looked around at the aspects I didn't like, and fixed what I could.

Having been in a shit relationship, I realised that was the loneliest I would ever be. Being on your own is very different to being with somebody and somehow still feeling like you're on your own. There is a really deep-seated despair as you lie there, looking at this person, thinking 'this is supposed to be great, so why is it so shit?' At least being on my own, I knew the score.

Actually, I did then meet someone and we've been together for years. But I'm not going to say that will happen for you, OP. And I know that might seem cruel, but actually I'm very aware that I'm extremely lucky and holding out a false hope seems worse to me. I knew demographics were not on my side. So really, for me it was about accepting that this was it, and deciding to enjoy it. Life was precious, with or without someone.

I separated 5 years ago, and had convinced myself that I wouldn’t find anyone again, I have kids and did spend time with them and this made things a bit easier. But as most people they want someone in their life, but I realised that I needed to be happy on my own before I could get. I know it sounds cliche but, I had a few coffee dates and it just didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel like I was ready for a connection and yes there were times when I thought this is never going to happen, and I realised I wasn’t happy in myself and realised always worrying about what I can’t control will only make things worse. And whilst I do still overthink I have made efforts to change this, when thoughts hit yes think about something else but for me it was purely asking can I control it? If I couldn’t then I can’t change it and so I’d worry less. I have started to talk to someone and after initially thinking and worrying it was more than it was I have just let things happen. Sometimes people come along out of the blue, be it at work if you’re in a supermarket or just out in the street. So if I was going to say anything it would be get yourself in a place where you are happy being on your own, and then you can focus on a relationship.

Hello @ButtonBound 👋🏻!

I’m sorry you also in this predicament.
Thank you for your message.
And all the best to you.

This might be a reach, no offence meant to the OP, but it sounds like she has been perhaps strung along by someone who turned out to be unavailable?

Nope, this would have to mean there had been someone at least somewhat interested.

Few people what adviced to talk to a therapist, it’s a good advice and I have done that.
It was the first and only time I’ve talked about this, other than now here, with someone.
I actually wanted to talk through the same that I was asking right here, and it oretty much went like here.
That I can’t never know, get out of comfort zone, bla bla bla.
So that was that.

I don't have any answers and I'm not in your situation but wanted to wish you well. It's frustrating reading peoples comments completely off base (and they obviously mean well).

Just sending you some positive vibes and good wishes 💜

Perhaps you need to be clearer in what you do want to get from this thread, OP.

Because if you've had two threads and a therapist where you've overwhelmingly received similar responses, it suggests that the barrier to you finding peace doesn't lie in a flaw with everyone else's advice/personal experiences/reflections.

You've asked how people cope with the feelings. People have told you how they coped. You asked a therapist how do you cope and they gave the same response.

Even if you ignore any well intended "You don't know what the future holds" type responses that you don't want to hear, the advice you received on how to 'cope' with the feelings is sound.