How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

I think there's a big difference between being unhappy with your life and being unhappy in yourself. You can be miserable due to circumstances and meet people who want to have a relationship with you, from rescuers to predators to normal people who fancy you even though you are clearly having a rough time. But if you fundamentally think there is something wrong with you and you are destined to be single, I think it's far harder to attract someone. If you radiate a deep inner joylessness about being you, that is off putting. Whereas it's perfectly possible to radiate a sexy, desirable presence even in the throws of a chaotic, mad, crisis-ridden life.

I don't think it's weird to not disclose things like health conditions - in my case I'm so deeply ashamed that almost nobody in real life knows about them.

But a lot of us aren't saying to keep hope alive.
we gave up. We got pets. We threw ourselves into being good aunt /uncles. Made friends with other people in same situation.

It just feels dishonest to not add that actually we met someone at some point later. But we didn't know that when we got on with life and assumed/accepted it was not for us.

Good grief Incy, leave the OP alone. You've made your point.

OP it's appalling that some people get a shit go at life. Whatever it is that means relationships are not going to happen for you, means you're going to miss out on so much of what humans need. I'm so sorry. Like, if humans have an urge and need to swim, but you will never swim yet the swimmers are all saying variants of "of swimming can be terrible! You're not missing much", or "I finally swam even after I'd given up", or, "why are you not making the most of being a non-swimmer? Being a non-swimmer needn't be bad." And few people are acknowledging the pain of wanting and needing to swim, as a human, and not being able to.

I totally get the urge to get rid of ("ice in the heart") the desire to swim, the awareness that you want and need to. Because then the pain will not be so acute. We all want to avoid pain.

I guess you could try mantras - "my heart is ice"?

The trouble with wanting to shut away any awareness of your human needs and wants, is it either ends up distorting and damaging you even more, or you do become icy and live a life encased in ice, thereby missing out on the other pleasures and sense of purpose in life.

Good luck to you. It sounds terribly painful and miserable.

I think there's a difference between disclosing personal private details, and just saying the words "health condition" so people can tailor their advice without getting their heads bitten off for not guessing the unmentioned circumstances.

It's like saying "it's impossible for me to meet anyone" then twenty posters pop up and say "Running group? Salsa class? Speed dating? Swimming? Single clubs? Quiz night?" .... For OP to shoot every single suggestion down, because she is, for example, housebound. Except she doesn't say this. Which is fine...but people would never have given that advice in the first place if they knew, and they'd never automatically guess someone is housebound, so it makes the thread a bit pointless. It's just a tonne of people being told their advice is no good, when in fact it's perfectly good advice, to what they assume the situation to be.

If you were to ask the more direct "how do I meet people if I can't leave the house" then there would be a lot more useful responses.

Good grief Incy, leave the OP alone. You've made your point.

Excuse me, I'm not attacking anyone. I'm trying to help. If there is such a fundamental difference to OP then general advice won't apply. There will be others in similar positions, perhaps not identical, but posing the same limitations. It's this that OP needs to tackle. Because she's not able to accept her fate so to speak, if she could, she wouldn't be posting for help. I think, of everything, that's a positive. It means she still has resolve and fire within.

There will be others with similar life circumstances. Similar enough that they can give OP real advice on how best to tackle things. That's the place to start.

I have kids so a different experience but when I was single for the first time in my adult life my eldest was already an adult and my youngest was spending a lot of time with her dad.... I tried dating, gave up hope and spent 6 1/2 years on my own. I rebuilt myself, focused on changing my career, running for fitness and my mental health, learnt who I truly was without the views or influence of others and to truly appreciate being alone vs being lonely.

Occasionally I felt lonely still, but I have never felt more lonely than I did in the awful relationship I was in before. At 40, after 2 1/2 years of being single, I just accepted that this was my life and I would probably remain single for the rest of my life as it was better than being in an awful relationship or compromising who I was. At 44 I met someone, completely out of the blue and it's completed what was already a pretty good life I'd built for myself. Stop looking, build the life you want and you might find the unexpected occurs.

I'm trying to help

No you're not. You're persistently goading OP.

You have freedom, peace. Trust Mr it can be a blessing.

💐 thinking of you, OP. It’s really hard, I’m in a similar situation and funnily enough made a similar thread just a few weeks ago

I still struggle with the loneliness too but just a few tips that have prevented me feeling even worse…

• Avoiding social media (insta, FB) which is full of couples and families
• living in a big, busy city. Being an outcast is easier in a city, and more likely to find other single, childless women for friendship
• Escapism - keep yourself busy/ occupied with work, hobbies, and friendship.

I’m embarrassed admitting this but honestly sometimes I even talk to myself when at home. Well, maybe talking out loud whilst alone is more accurate. I pretend I’m vlogging or on a podcast to an imaginary audience. I also quite like watching vlogs or listening to podcasts in my evenings so I feel less alone eating dinner.

Hi, @Rnc96 !
Sympathies from me.
I hope your thread went better.

I’m embarrassed admitting this but honestly sometimes I even talk to myself when at home.

Nothing to be embarrassed about.
That’s when I have the best conversations😃

Your post really resonates with me and to be honest many of my friends; we are all in similar positions such as you. I have married friends who find my life so exciting and there's posts on here from people who are talking about single friends that they know leading such great lives but not knowing really how those friends feel.
A few of my friends have children in their 20s who they holiday with, do things with, spend their birthdays with etc and I am envious of that too.

I will never accept it. There is always hope. Ngl, men on dating sites turning every conversation sexual after two interactions is pretty off putting but there are some decent ones out there. It’s sifting through the sleazes to find a good one. I could go out and get sex anytime bt holding out for a decent man.

Don’t give up OP. Don’t make your peace with it. I see all types of people in relationships snd it gives me hope that love is the stronger force. You will meet someone x

We are in a phase where there are many more single people than ever before- but, it’s a phase. Change will come and suddenly everyone will be coupled up again

Op, I completely understand what you’re saying. I’m in pretty much the same situation and have had people with children tell me that I’m better off than them and that they’re lonely, too.
While I understand that someone in a relationship or who has children can also be lonely, it isn’t the same situation as when one is completely alone and has no one in their life or home. Of course, their loneliness is real and valid, but it is different.

When you don’t have a partner or children, it’s just you at home. There’s no chatter or laughter in the house. There’s no one to watch TV with. There’s no one to have meals with. No one who might keep you company for a moment. No one to plan a day out with. No children who will grow up and possibly go on to have lives or new experiences that involve you in some way or that they tell you about.

I’m making a note of the good suggestions on here (and there are quite a few). The ones that aren’t relevant to you, might be relevant to someone else. Just focus on what is relevant to your situation and think about which of these suggestions might work for you.

From what I have read above, I feel I need to find a way to accept my life as it is, and, most importantly, find peace with that. I’m also grateful to the posters who have reminded us that our being alone might not be a permanent situation - that life can and does change. So I think being hopeful is another way to deal with the situation.

Op, maybe we accept how things are ‘for now’ while knowing and reminding ourselves that this can change for the better?

In the meantime, I think the advice to try to get out and do things even on one’s own (perhaps even join groups) is important. And what a wonderful thought to keep hold of this is: ‘And then maybe, just maybe, whilst you are out there, living your life and having fun, you meet someone with whom you just click.’

In your opinion.

If there's a particular, unique context to OP's situation, where all the "normal" advice doesn't apply, but posters aren't aware of this, they will just keep giving the advice that OP doesn't want, with zero idea why this advice which would normally apply, is so wrong.

None of these will be the "thing" because they are not particularly unique, but for example, there are particular groups for single parents trying to date, where they have limitations on when they can actually get out, and then thinking about how things impact their DC. There are groups for ADHD people trying to date, with people who understand the differences they personally face, supporting each other, with life experience of what helped them. There are groups for different communities, who may face different obstacles, full of people with the same experience, who can offer more relevant, helpful suggestions.

How do you think you're helping, @InceyWinceySpidy ?

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup the basis of your idea (how to find peace with loneliness) is off kilter.
We are social animals, we can’t fully function on our own. It’s a fundamental basis of our being.

What I am reading from your posts is: I’ve had my heart broken, how do I make sure I bury any romantic feelings forever more?
And your impulse is to do what I did, what most people do initially, shut it all in a box. Cause it’s easier. On top of that box you put another one, then another one, and at some point they will topple.

You most certainly can do that, waste a few years and then you’ll have to deal with the mess all those toppled boxes make in your head.

Or.
You could actually listen to people when they tell you: Vulnerability is not easy. Creating a wall, an armour works for a while, but then you realise that NOTHING goes through that wall, shutting off pain also shuts off hope, contentment, connection.
You wouldn’t cut off a limb because it hurts. You’d try and heal it.
Why bury the pain? It’ll still be burning in that box.
What you need is self compassion.
I wish you well.

The problem with the 'don't give up hope, don't bury romantic feelings' line is that not everyone ends up with someone. It's a bit like infertility. Yes, sometimes people think it'll never happen and then BAM! out of the blue it does.

But sometimes, quite often actually, it doesn't. The lovely man doesn't turn up. The miscarriages just keep on coming.

And you need to be able to live with that and make it a good life, because that's the one you've got. The trick - and God knows it must be a hard trick to pull off - is realising that your life is just as worthwhile, just as important as anyone else's.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup I think the medium of a public forum is tricky for this kind of question where there is clearly a lot of relevant context which you can't share here and people will go off-piste in terms of what you are hoping for.

I think you need to read books on the condition of human loneliness to try to find your way, or have some 1-2-1 counselling to have more targeted wise guidance.

Good luck OP, it's a cruel pain.

There's a lot of sense in this.

I think the difference with OP, is that whilst knowing, there is no guarantee of what she would ideally like...or perhaps even a likelihood of what she would even like, she has decided it's impossible. Not improbable, but categorically impossible.

Trying to come to terms with what you want, but never happens, when you are in the mindset of "never say never' and doing the best you can (with the many great suggestions on this thread) to keep you moving forward in the meantime, is a much more healthy way to live. "It" may never happen. But living with even the most trivial level of optimism, and not beating yourself up, just being kind to yourself is a good thing.

The alternative is to know what you want. Keep telling yourself that it's categorically impossible, and try and mask the terrible way it makes you feel, because you aren't dealing with the underlying issue.

I can't remember the poster, but there was someone a while back who was awful about themselves. Saying they were ugly and repulsive and going to be alone forever. It was really tough to read. No matter what anyone said, they just shot them down, because they would not accept that anyone could understand. They then said they also had something not dissimilar to a facial disfigurement, and posters were trying to say that looks are a factor, but not the only factor, and the OP wouldn't have it and just got madder and madder at them.

It really reminds me of this thread. People can offer ways to "mask" the unhappiness, but that's all it will ever be. It's the underlying causes from within the person that needs careful attention.

@Squirrel28 brilliant post. Thank you for sharing

Saying that being heartbroken is temporary as PP did way upthread, is just plain wrong. You might lose a child, that is heartbreak that you will carry with you to the grave, even though you might be able to build a new life day to day, your heart might be 'patched up' but it will never ever be the same again and the wounds will be there forever more.

I think they were talking about heartbreak in the context of a broken relationship.

I don't know about OP but for me the "heartbreak of being single" isn't about a broken relationship (I haven't had a break up) but the sadness that a relationship isn't a possibility. It's got nothing to do with taking a bit of time out to get over a break up and then suddenly you'll be capable of dating.