How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

This might sound a bit weird OP but hear me out (and I've only read your posts, not the whole thread so apols if someone has already said this).

I think approaching this as grief might be helpful. So maybe on your own or with a grief counsellor? It seems to me that you want to get to a position of acceptance and to be content.

@Clymene

Yes, one other person also recommended grief counseler and I asked if they actually see people for this reason, but didn’t get an answer.
I thought it was just for death etc.
I googled, but anything that was about actually counselors didn’t really say who all are allowed to contact.
I donmt have much money, but I would be willing to give that ago.
As longs as it doesn’t turn into non-sense of course!

Yes you could absolutely see a grief counsellor

You are grieving a life you would love, but know you won't have

It is still a death - the death of your dreams

I would think a grief counsellor's skills would be massively appropriate. It seems to me you need a safe space to grieve the life you hoped you'd have. I'm very sorry you're hurting so much. I really hope you can move onto a better place.

This thread is very sad, I am so sorry you feel like this OP and really hope you can find a way through. I agree grief counselling does sound like a good idea, check out therapists registered with BACP to find someone suitable for you. You say you had a dog perviously and that helped with companionship, so l would urge you to get a rescue dog that really needs a home and some tlc. Having a pet to love and look after, and who loves you unconditionally can be such a comfort.

I've been single for almost 10 years. I still have a sex occasionally, have friends I enjoy spending a limited amount of time with, but I'm not built for a relationship. What was at first a practical situation (widow with 2 young kids and more than full time work) has turned into just necessity. I'm disabled and have a lot of health issues. My personal opinion is that it is totally unethical to go into a relationship with said health issues, because it's not like I got sick after we met. I'm sick now, I will never get better and it's my choice that this shouldn't negatively impact on someone else.

Lots of people will come out with the pithy response that there's someone out there for everyone, and you've just not met the right person, but I find those sentiments actually really insulting. It's like the person isn't listening to what you're saying. They are ignoring your feelings and assuming that they know better.

I would also suggest counselling, I found being able to discuss these feelings in a calm and practical way really helpful.

I'm in my early 40s, and life just isn't set up for long term single people, even from the sizes of food packets, and holiday costs etc. not to mention pension calculations.

However I have a lot of hobbies, and pets, and I find having a lovely active friend group helps too. I go wild swimming with some really nice ladies who are in a similar boat, and genuinely it's having that camaraderie without the hassle of someone always talking about dating and love and romance it helps. Finding other people with similar outlook is a big win in my book.

Yes it does get lonely, but that's why I have a few friends where if I'm in the mood I can safely indulge with no other expectations over splitting the cost of dinner or a hotel room.

Hope that you find a way forward!

Came across this just now OP:

"I think books are like people, in the sense that they’ll turn up in your life when you most need them. After my father died, the book that sort of saved my life was Gabriel García Márquez’s novel One Hundred Years of Solitude. Because of that experience, I firmly believe there are books whose greatness actually enables you to live, to do something. And sometimes, human beings need story and narrative more than they need nourishment and food.”
Emma Thompson in @oprah’s O Magazine.

I haven't read it myself but it chimed with this thread so thought I'd leave it here.

Though reading the synopsis I'm wondering how it moved her so and helped her through her grief!
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Wikipedia

There must be some amazing skill in the writing of it. 😂😂

@Antisocialfluffmonster , you are 100% certain that there is definitely nobody in the world you're compatible with, and you'd find it insulting if someone suggested there was? Have I got that right? You'd feel I wasn't listening to you if I said I was sure you were compatible with someone, somewhere?

Not at all, compatibility isn’t the issue. I’m just not well enough and I’m not going to be well enough to date irrespective of how compatible I am with someone.

I would be annoyed if I’d made that clear and someone totally disregarded what was a heartfelt and difficult decision because they think they knew better.

Right, so you choose to be single, then?

I mean it’s not exactly like I have a squad of people trying to beat down my door and ask me out, and I’m in bed and haven’t managed to have a wash in a while or brush my hair, so I have quite a lot going for me as you can imagine.

even if hypothetically there was someone that I was compatible with, they waited too long and now there isn’t enough left of the person they were compatible to date.

now my kindle library would say that you know, there must be some kind of dragon daddy shifter next door, but I think I might need new glasses as all I’ve managed to meet so far is the farmer in his 70s next door. He does have a cute dog though.

@GreyCarpet

Single older ladies are a lot more common than you would think. I’ve cared for a lot of people, a lot of their stories were about never having met anyone, or being stuck in a situation they couldn’t change I.e. caring for someone who they felt like they couldn’t leave and then ended up older and alone.

I think the key thing is finding purpose, even if you’re not living the life you would have chosen

OP, I have been thinking about your thread and the replies and I do think you haven;t been given the kind of answers you need. I agree that a lot of posters (self included) replied with 'You never know' responses and that must feel like you are just not being heard.

I am not single, but I was for a decade and felt like I always would be. A friend taught me the 9-box method of living well. Draw a big square and divide it into 9 equal smaller ones. Put a key aspect of life in each square. One might be work, another family, another friends, another fitness and health. One has to be community - giving back/contributing to the wider world in some way. And there's encouragement that one should be spiritual in some form - if you are not religious then this is usually to do with connecting with nature and the wild. You then write down ways in which you can improve your current level of engagement with each of these nine aspects of life, and aim to take one or two small actions every day, moving all nine squares closer to how they would be in an ideal world.

Eg. if your health issue has made you weak or made you lose or gain weight drastically, you look into exercises that can be done despite it - there's bed yoga, floor exercises for people who can't walk etc - all sorts of stuff online. You can research how to overhaul your diet on a budget etc etc.

Bit by bit you improve all nine areas of your life until they are equally important to you and all of them are buoying you up week by week. If you know life will be without a partner, you just don't add 'relationship' as one box. The idea behind this method is, that when one or more areas of your life collapse, as they inevitably do from time to time, the others keep you going. I have seen this with DC. Both heartbroken when they split with their first loves. But recovered quickly because they both have rich lives elsewhere.

Is this the sort of thing you were hoping to discuss on here? Happy to say more about it if you think it would be helpful.

Oh I totally agree!

Especially your last paragraph.

Most of the responses to the OP have been in that vein but she doesn't want to hear that either unfortunately.

Ok OP I think I understand you a bit better now.

my life is not yours, but I understand that loneliness and, because of circumstances in my own life, I am very unlikely to have a partner again too.
There are things I cannot ‘love myself’ enough to enjoy doing. I hate going for walks by myself as loneliness has a sound to me. It’s the sound of my own feet on the path as I have no-one to walk with, and talk to.

So I too eye roll at the ‘ you just need to love yourself’ people. It’s perfectly normal to long for a partner, we’ve evolved to have that need for obvious reasons. And as there is variation between people, some people will feel the need/ loss of that more painfully than others. That’s not a fault in them. It’s just a fact of human variation.

I agree with pp. I think accepting the loneliness and pain of this is important. And knowing it’s normal and okay to feel like that. it’s not a ‘fault’ in you.

Stress based mindfulness meditation is used with people with chronic conditions. It’s not about getting rid of pain. It’s a practice of accepting and observing the pain, and in doing so, in slightly detaching from it, lessening its intensity and power. It might be worth exploring.

I notice you say you avoid triggering things, and I wonder how far you are taking this? I know how you feel and I too sometimes avoid things like this. But generally I try not to. Because ultimately it’s impossible. Accepting, crying and carrying on. Sometimes it can hurt more to try to resist things that can’t really be avoided.

I also agree with pp that most therapists are crap. It might be worth finding one who is able to work with where you are really at.

OP, as for people saying ' find your community! Find your purpose!'. I heard a woman speak who was very embedded into the workings of her evangelical church. I have spent time in her family of churches and, believe me, if anyone knows how to do community and purpose, its her church. She had both these things yet she still spoke of the pain of being long term single.

I think, what is more realistic is a line I read for those who had suffered a great loss, the loss of a spouse or child, about life afterwards. It said, ' there are moments of joy, real joy, but always with a hole in my heart.'

That's what it is like for me. There is always that deep yearning and pain. I don't much like it, but, being as I can't change that, I strive to accept it. A life not pain free but unparalysed is what I aim for.

Sorry if I've missed this but it is being single & childless or single?

Because donor single Mum-hood is becoming more common, and Pollen Tree has seemingly plenty of men who'll donate (if the clinic, expensive route isn't viable).
(This is presuming no infertility issues that are unsurmountable, of course).

If the latter is the case, there are many single adopters too (not an easy route, I know, but ..).

Apologies if these aren't applicable due to your circumstances.

On the company front - I know it's not easy to find people who are not doing things in couples .... But joining a couple in their home for a movie night is ..... well, the opposite of what an unhappily single person should be doing.

I've been single off and on and I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that with another couple if single (and barely even comfortable if in a relationship).

I'd keep socialising to mixed company preferably outside the home.

Sports clubs etc are good for that. Running, hiking, tennis, kayaking etc.

Apologies again if none of these are possible due to your particular circumstances.

But there are groups for most people's circumstances.

I have a great deal of empathy for your situation - I think the problem is we are conditioned from childhood to think of it in a very simplistic way, meet a partner, have kids etc. I feel what many people crave is 'connections' and emotional closeness and yes purpose too. This can also be found with great friendships, good family and feeling part of something- be it church (and I'm not religious) , political groups, or volunteering or sometimes great colleagues. It's a lot easier to focus on the good aspects of being single without ties ' if ' you have a lot going on in life. You may or may not meet a romantic interest this way but at least you will be having an interesting time whilst out there and probably have more to offer too. It's no good saying to you that partners and children are not always the panacea to a non lonely and full life- because mumsnet posts quite clearly show it's a mixed bag !

This. ^ The OP really hasn't helped herself on this thread.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup I'm not sure what you expect people to say. Most things people have said have been poo-pooed by you.

I disagree. OP is under no compulsion to say why she can’t have a relationship. And it should be pretty obvious to anyone who’s spent more than a few visits to Mumsnet, that it can be wise to hide certain information to stop your thread getting completely detailed onto that.

And it’s perfectly valid to want to hear from people going through what you are right now. that empathetic support is hugely valuable.

OP has been clear now that she wants support IN her situation, not to move out of it. If people don’t have anything to say to that, fine. But it is a perfectly legitimate thing for OP to ask for.

Aaaargh.

The OP hasn't asked how to not be single. She's asked how to cope with never meeting someone. Different fucking question and a valid one.

Plenty of people never meet someone. It happens. It's, like, a real thing. And as a society (as evidenced by this thread) we're shit at dealing with it, not least because the 'there's always hope' narrative implies that if love never works out for you there must be something very wrong with you. Because if you weren't a weirdo, someone would have wanted you.

Which is odd, when you think that Fred and Rose West were happily married, while thousands upon thousands of blameless souls never meet anyone. And millions of us will end up alone, for all our smugness now:
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/loneliness-in-older-people/

Sorry OP. I have heard good things about Gateway Women from good people - more of an infertility angle, but I think includes infertility through singleness too.

Which is odd, when you think that Fred and Rose West were happily married, while thousands upon thousands of blameless souls never meet anyone

that’s a cheery thought 😬

but I know what you mean and have thought a variance of this