How do you accept that you’re going to be single your whole life? How do you get used to the loneliness?

[Sonervousimgonnathrowup]

So, I did start this on aibu, but it literally went wrong with the very first reply and turned into a pile on. Pretty much the only (hopefully) good advice I got, was to ask for it to be deleted and start over here.

I could really use some advice before my mental health and all around wellness suffers too much.

I was looking for some single support threads, but most of them seem to be by people who love being single and the good points are basically happy no one is watching tv shows they don’t like or stinking up the bathroom.
And or by people who already have been married and have kids, so they are not actually alone.

Anyone else out there who had to made their peace that it’s never going to be them?
Spring time is here and this has always been the hardest time of the year for me when it seems every couple seems to pop-up into the world and just have to be so happy.

So to be clear, I’m asking if anyone else had to learn to be on their own, actually alone, not with kids or have many options and can’t be bothered or MN classic that relationships are bad and lonely etc.

I’m asking how you deal with the broken heart of being single.

Everyone is saying similar because it's the truth

@GreyCarpet i dint think there is such a thing as THE truth, esp. it for tte subject of this thread.

I don’t know if this will help or not…(also reading back it’s really long. Sorry.)

But. I am in my 40s. I’m single, and have always been single. I don’t have children.
I haven’t come to terms with it. You wouldn’t know it if you met me. I’ve got friends, I’m close to my family. I have a sociable hobby I do four or five times a week. I have a dog, who I take to training with our dog training friends. I get invited to birthday parties for my friend’s small children. I go on holiday with friends, or on my own, or on group trips. I go to cafes and restaurants and to the cinema and the theatre on my own. I enjoy spending time pottering around at home by myself. I have a fulfilling career doing something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child. I’ve had therapy. If people ask I say something like ‘oh, I’m so busy! I don’t have the time!’ Or ‘It would be lovely if something came along, but it’d have to be pretty good for me to give up what I’ve got now!’ (NB, don’t say this to your therapist. It’s a waste of money.)

I am so sad that I haven’t managed to form an intimate relationship with someone. I am so sad that I don’t have children. I don’t tend to share those feelings with people because it usually makes them uncomfortable and I find it very hard to talk about.

The only advice I have is to keep doing things that make you happy, not because that will magically lead to finding a partner, but because it is possible to be very sad about one thing while also enjoying something else and you might as well enjoy life. If you really don’t enjoy ANYTHING it’s worth considering if you might have depression. Also it’s OK to feel how you feel, just like it’s OK to be happily married, but really wish you had children, or to have children, but really wish you weren’t a single parent, or to have two children and really wish you had three. None of these things are more or less valid than the others; they are just different.

You keep missing and missing and missing the part that from the get-go I said no thank you to these types of comments.

No matter hiw much you want to twist it, all that those people have done is exactly what I’ve been saying, that you refuse to listen to.
It’s like if someone would say they are deaf and people would run over to tell hiw much they live hearing and are so happy to hear everything. It’s insensitive, if you can’t see that, I can’t help you, I’ve explained too many times now.

Is there no one else with the same thing you could speak too?

No, absolutely no one.

single is better than with the wrong person. there are many divorced people here

I’m over a decade single with no kids in my late 30s, I know a partner and kids will never happen for me now for a myriad of reasons. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with it, I think even though deep down I know it won’t happen because I suppose I’m technically not too old to have kids I still hold onto a thread of hope that maybe a miracle would happen. I think this kind of lets me keep going day to day. I don’t hate my life living alone, I fill it with TV and books and video games, it’s not how I’d want to fill my time I’d much rather be travelling and going to gigs and comedy nights etc but they at least keep my mind busy enough not to dwell. I hide friends and family on social media who are doing things I wish I was doing so as not to be confronted with my loneliness and avoid thinking about holidays or travel etc, my life probably looks very boring and it is but I just make sure I always have the TV or something on so I’m never alone with my thoughts. I do struggle with depression and self harm and an eating disorder too which I guess is how I cope when things get dark. I also think it will hit me harder once I’m over 40 and I guess the hope will have to go, I don’t imagine sticking around long after that point.

But you can be in a relationship and STILL be lonely. STILL never know if they truly love you. STILL never know if they'll be with you forever. STILL never know if they will ever cheat. The unknowingness will always be there. You can be utterly convinced and "know" as well that your darling dh would "never cheat!" etc never betray you, but you never, ever truly know a human, and so many do go on to cheat and leave you.

I think I get what OP means.

I've never had a proper long term relationship. I know from years of experience, and due to my various health issues, it's not going to happen.

I do loads of activities, volunteering etc etc. I think staying busy helps not think about it. In many ways my life is awesome, it's not like I'm sat around moping or waiting for someone to fulfil me. But it's difficult not to feel sad that I can never have a hug or have someone that really gets me. When OP talks about icing her heart that's the bit I think of - wishing I didn't care about that stuff.

I suppose i don't know how my single friends feel.
I don't ask them if they hace given up or are feeling sad as it just seems tactless. They can bring it up if they want. I do moan too much about boyfriend, particularly the annoyances during lockdown, as I am aware they were lonely.

So it's hard to see other people feeling exactly like you as people tend to keep it to themselves.

I used to wonder why I was single when I could see tons of people around me who were coupled up even if they appeared to be less than attractive or very stupid (yes I accept that's judgy). But also lots of lovely ladies who were single and that was "well if kylie or Jennifer Anniston is single, what hope for me"

so it's not "someone for everyone" but luck. And you can't control luck.

Anyway, I got a cat.

No one’s saying you can’t be lonely in a relationship. But it’s a different kind of loneliness.

If someone came on asking how to get through the demanding days with a newborn and the sleepless nights people wouldn’t be jumping on saying that you can be tired for other reasons than having a baby and just because you don’t have a newborn doesn’t mean you can’t be tired.

OP has asked for advice for dealing with the loneliness that arises from never having kids or a partner, which is a different kind of loneliness to being lonely in a relationship or lonely as a single parent. Nobody’s disputing those situations can be lonely, but they’re not what OP wants to talk about here.

What’s the issue with that? If you have kids or a partner just move on to a different thread and if you’re lonely in your life and want to talk about it by all means start your own thread, but there’s no need to respond to this one. It reeks of the ‘men can suffer domestic violence too’ or ‘All Lives matter’ brigades, nobody’s disputing that but it’s not what’s being discussed or asked for advice on here.

I think the way you feel about being alone & potentially being alone forever depends on many factors, not least how long you've already been alone for and how old you are, and the circumstances that have led to you being alone.

Some people find complete fulfilment being in a partnership with someone, others think they want to be in a partnership & then find it's not working, making them unhappy etc and they end up wanting to be alone again, and others never want to be with someone.

Also, your expectations of what a partnership can give you & provide for you can affect how successful it may or may not be. If you rely on a partner for your happiness, wellbeing & fulfilment then there is something fundamentally wrong with 'you', as that's an unfair expectation and not healthy. Before anyone can be properly happy & content, you need to understand how 'you' work and discover things about yourself and how you cope in certain situations etc.

People can be married and yet feel totally alone & unseen and then there are others who are alone who feel completely happy & fulfilled.

I understand that a lot of people who might suddenly find themselves alone can feel very scared about the future and not having anyone for company, support etc and that's completely understandable but, at the same time, you need to build up resilience and gain confidence in your own abilities.

Lastly, of course, you don't know that your being alone is forever - you could meet someone tomorrow!! It might last, it might not but nothing is promised forever.

I think it's totally normal to worry & feel scared & sad at being alone, especially in old age, but it shouldn't consume you. I hope you can find another way to deal with your loneliness without feeling so down about it. I hope you have friends & family for support.

It’s like if someone would say they are deaf and people would run over to tell hiw much they live hearing and are so happy to hear everything. It’s insensitive, if you can’t see that, I can’t help you

Gaaaaargh! OP it's not! I'm literally chuckling at my phone now, because it's not that but you can't see it. And that's ok.

Trying to use your deaf analogy.

It's like someone saying they are deaf. And someone who was deaf for 50yrs, running over to say "I know how you feel. I was the same. I have lived the same thing you are now. I have compassion for you. I have understanding of your emotions and feelings. I know where you are coming from. Then for no reason, I woke up one day and could hear. I can't tell you how, or why, but I just want you to know, keep going and don't ever give up hope"

But all you see is a person running over and saying "Ha! I can hear and it's brilliant, I'm sooooo happy, how d'ya like those apples"

Can you not distinguish between the two? You are very much not distinguishing between the two. And they are very very different indeed.

*Is there no one else with the same thing you could speak too?

No, absolutely no one*

This is where I think you will reach a stalemate. If you have a situation, so unique, that there is not another person in that situation to even contact, then asking for generic advice isn't going to help.

People are advising you on their life experiences. Yet you have a specific situation which means none of the general advice can apply, and you're getting snippy with people for advising in general, when you know you don't fall within that general category. It's the whole crux of why all the advice on here doesn't apply to you.
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Plus I wonder if there's something about avoiding comparing yourself with other people. I think I feel more lonely if I am somewhere where there are loads of couples, or at work where everybody talks about their families and I feel like an utter reject. As a PP said, I avoid social media. Finding activities I get absorbed in that aren't couply I think helps.

I've not read all comments, but just saw this on facebook by a Berliner named Ruby May and thought it might resonate.

Some time ago I woke up to the realisation that I was sort of treading water and waiting, accompanied by the sense that "life will begin when I'm in a partnership". Subtle, but it was my constant background story, and a rather limiting one.
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I've never really been in a partnership. It might never happen. And it might happen. But in the meantime, I made the decision to stop waiting and to commit to living the best and most magical possible life I could, so if I do ever align paths with another human, it will just be the cherry on the cake.
Being single for most of my life, although tough, has also brought me so many gifts. I have had no choice but to become my own best friend and lover. That's not one decision I made, but an ongoing one, day by day. It means I am not relying on anyone to read my needs or take care of me but that I am 100% responsible for that (I realise it's always like that, but in relationships I think it's easier to get lost around that one). And this doesn't mean I don't ask for help or support - self-care is most definitely learning to do that regularly.
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It means I need to romance myself on a regular basis - buying myself flowers, taking myself out for dinner, whisking myself off for romantic weekends, surrounding myself with beauty. I really am a queen at that these days!
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And then there's the gift of learning to expand my erotic and sensual identity, so that I remain nourished...taking pleasure wherever I can...through the slow and conscious eating of delicious foods, daily embodiment practices, sensual time in nature, self-pleasuring...
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Not that it's all roses and I don't struggle with it. But there is always a gift in the humility of challenge. Everyone has a weak spot of hardship in their life somewhere. For some people, this will be their relationship! Being without one is mine, and it could be a lot worse. It is an ongoing journey, which changes all the time... surfing waves of trust and surrender, resignation and grief, back to surrender. It keeps me awake. It keeps me thankful for everything I have, and the grief around what I don't have, keeps me soft.
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I'm not sure who needs to read this, but I felt to share about it, because I'm sure someone out there does! x

What a wonderful post

But the OP isn’t asking for hope that it might happen. It is insensitive if someone asks for help to deal with being deaf and someone comes up to them and says ‘Well don’t give up hope, I gained my hearing so maybe you won’t be deaf forever.’ That’s not learning to live with being deaf, and just because it happened for one person doesn’t mean it will happen for everybody. Not everybody gets a happy ending. It’s insensitive and invalidating to dismiss how somebody is feeling right now because there is a possibility it will change. It doesn’t really matter what the future holds, the OP is struggling with being single and childless and struggling because she feels like it’s probably not going to change. She wants help with coming to terms with that, not hopeful stories that it might happen to her. It won’t happen for everybody and it’s dismissive of the people here unwilling to acknowledge the very real possibility it won’t change and just offering platitudes when it’s not what OP has asked for at all. If you want to learn to live with being single forever the last thing you need are stories from people in relationships, regardless of how long they were single for prior to being in relationships.

you're getting snippy

• *No, you will not call me snippy @InceyWinceySpidy , I have been clear from the start, people not respecting that and me pointing out it, does not make me snippy.

I have no idea what you’re after or why you are so relentless, it’s clear you refuse to take in on anything I say, so I’ll end this conversation with you now, no point on going back and forth with someone who lacks basic human decancy.

Yes, I also avoid socail media, I’m carefull on who are very partner/family oriented and choose to spend time with people who have personalities outside of those two things.
I also avoid movies/tv/music that is very romance / relationship based.
These things makes it a little bit easier.

Sorry, haven't RTFT but looking to others for advice to help you out of a situation you hate is pointless. It's a bit like me asking why I should like raw tomatoes - no matter what anyone says it isn't ever going to make me like them. Figure out why you hate the situation and why you have decided you can not change.

Fixed vs flexible life view.

I absolutely see what you are saying.

The only thing I would add, is that no one is saying (again to use the deaf analogy) that OP should just go merrily skipping about her day, because one person who was deaf, miraculously regained their hearing, so the same can happen to OP. Case closed.

It's more, that OP is adamant something can never happen. And it's a bit misleading. Because she's let the majority of the thread run, just saying, "no, that can't ever happen for me" in quite an indignant manner. To which posters have naturally responded, "well it did, out of the blue for me, nothings impossible until the end of time you know". And OP snaps at them and repeats how it's impossible. And the posters get annoyed and repeat it's not because they are living proof it's not.

Much later, OP adds that there is also something specific, and unique about her, that completely prevents her from having a relationship. So unique that there is not even another person similar for her to ask advice from. Now, if she'd said that from the start, people would have known they weren't comparing apples with apples. And if it's so unique and preventative, then the generic advice on how people cope without relationships/may stumble across one later won't apply to OP at all.

Well, there's a lot of art out there about being alone. Not as much as there is about love. But still a lot.

Julian of Norwich lived alone all her life and wrote about the glory that came with that.

Half the poems in this are about being alone: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/42290/42290-h/42290-h.htm

MR James was alone, and so are most of his characters.

In Tokyo Diner the lead character is determinedly single and content to be so.

Why assume you’ll be lonely? There are plenty of people out there with a partner and kids who are desperately lonely. And there are plenty of single, childless people who’re very happy. Don’t talk yourself into misery. In any case, were you to meet the perfect partner, it would still be 50-50 that you’d end up alone anyway. One of you has to die first.

I'm perplexed by the relevance of raw tomatoes. It's not like they're a fundamental human need that is out of reach for you.

I'm great at growing in all sorts of ways - but my health conditions are permanent and I have to accept my limitations. For me it's totally valid to ask how others have come to terms with similar situations.

In defence of OP - she's set out her terms pretty clearly. She wants to be able to give up hope of finding love. She wants to be ok with giving up that hope. It's not an unreasonable demand - hope was the last thing out of Pandora's box.

People telling her to keep hope alive are doubtless trying to be kind, but it's like serving a bacon sandwich to a vegan and being surprised they won't eat it.

OP, anyone with a different view point to you, lacks "human decency" it seems.

The irony in saying you won't allow your responses to be called snippy, then immediately telling someone they lack basic human decency, is quite something.

Would you think it weird though, to know that a big part of your circumstance, is through limiting health conditions, but start a thread with no mention of them...then because posters are unaware, naturally advise you as though you were fit and healthy, only for you to get increasingly angry with them for doing so?

That's kind of what OP's doing here.