How to end a long marriage in the nicest way?

[CannotDoThisAnymore]

Weve not been in a good place for a long time. A good few years. He drinks a lot (daily) and spends a lot of time and money (around £180 a month) on this. I dont drink and spend my time with the kids. Weve been together 23 years. We dont own a house at the moment and are temporarily renting. We do have savings which will be a great deposit for a house each. He wants to buy together, i dont. My gut tells me if i do ill be stuck in this forever and far too much time has been spent already. No sex life. who wants to have sex with someone whose been boozing all night? If i say that to him, he will stop drinking the next night in anticipation and then go on and on and on about sex the whole evening which is off putting. If we go on a night away, he gets drunk and shouted at me last time then still expected sex.

gets angry easily, slams doors, shouts at us all. Will play loud music when pissed/pissed off. Says im boring etc. we live in a terrace house at the moment and i dont want to upset neighbours. He Doesnt do much with the kids. I do school runs, default parent, give lifts, make decisions etc. play dates, activities.

we both work full time. Both have separate pensions.

i just want a clean break with no hassle. Buy own house and live in relative peace!

any ideas of how to broach the subject. Ive trued before but he just says no and argues im no saint etc (i never said i was). I just cant seem to break free. I imagine he wants to continue so he doesn’t have to face up to alcohol issues and have less money for pissing up the wall. Its easy for him currently and he wont want the status quo to change

why on earth would you want to end a marriage in the nicest way to someone like this?

How old are your children?

I think I’d organise everything up front so you are ready to go. Find somewhere to live, get your finances in order, maybe even find a solicitor. Then transfer your half of the money to you, tell him you’re moving with the kids and it’s a done deal and the marriage is over. Once you have prepared you’ll be far less likely to back out.
he sounds awful by the way.

My friend thought she could save her marriage and moved into a bigger house. The issues followed her and it was much harder to break free due to having a joint mortgage, joint equity etc. if you’re going to do it, now is the time when everything is relatively separate.

I think you’ve already told him as you say he says “no.”?
The next step is to get your ducks in a row/move out, get a solicitor and file for divorce.

He may not like it but you don't need his permission to leave him. There us no being nice about it. Tell him fairly and without emotion of your intentions, once you have all the facts about your rights and how to proceed at your hands. This will require you to do the legwork.

And if you're worried that he will get drunk and become violent, in response, then seek support and don't tell him until you have everything organised.

He is an alcoholic, alcoholics are very selfish. You are really wise to be thinking about your future before buying a house. Not sure there is a nice way to end a relationship with someone who might react in the way you describe but having everything in order will mean you feel organised about your decision.

I've been divorced three times (yes I know I'm Liz Taylor) not doing it again.
I'll be brutally honest there is no good way to end it especially with his nasty bullying behaviour and drinking.
You simply have to send him the divorce petition and bulldoze your way through the courts.
It's the only way you'll ever be free.
Tell him it's over and don't take no for an answer.
Make sure he knows you mean business. Get a solicitor.
And above all stop trying to be nice. He has treated you like shit. Find your anger.

Sounds horrible- don’t really understand the bit about kids. Your shared children?
Leave him, asap. Clean break.
if you leave it, you will be stuck with this man you do not love. Before you know it, this man will have a stroke or something and you will struggle to leave him then. Life is short, don’t waste any more of it.

I guess i want to “split up it nicely” as i dont want trouble/arguments for the children. Both kids are primary age. they are both our children.

i do worry about the amount he drinks and future health consequences of that. I do not want to spend my life caring for him. That sounds mean but if its self inflicted, then no.

i just simply love him as a family friend, not as a husband

i do feel its bullying behaviour. I feel like i walk on egg shells. He was serving dinner the other afternoon, i could tell he was drunk (5 cans in) and couldn’t follow instructions on who wanted what food. Then started shouting and going mardy. Slamming the serving spoon down and walked off with his dinner. I just hate all the bad feeling.

Prepare everything for yourself and the kids and go through with it. You don't need to give reasons about alcoholism, how he is when he drinks etc. Otherwise he can promise to change. I found it easier to say it's me, not you. They can't really argue with that because the change for that isn't in their control.

It sounds like ducks in a row time. The worst time is when you’ve decided what’s happening but still have to live under the same roof while you sort things out. You are half way there by being in rented, so make a start on your plans, then once you have it sorted for yourself and the children, tell him what is happening and when - ideally with not too long to drag it out.
You will be fine. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s manageable. Children like certainty, so it will help them if you present them with a solid plan too. Good luck.

I mean over the past few years i have detached. He hates that. I have just lived as a separate person with the kids, he just lives with us like a lodger. Its my name on the rental, all bills. I can afford it on my own. I save up all birthday/Christmas money as if hes not putting in.

i just cant seem to shake him off. We’ve conversations before. Ive been honest regarding our issues, his drinking. He says its all my fault we dont go out and do stuff together eg date nights- look at what’s happened previously! We dont have sex, I’ve explained why above. He says he doesn’t have issues with alcohol, i dont drink so wouldn’t know what is a normal amount to drink apparently. Last year we went on holiday. He had a free for all the whole week. Didnt come out with us for walks down the beach at night so he could stay home to drink. Sad

i definitely have changed. Ive grown up and he hasnt 😣

You’re in the perfect position - rented accommodation, money in the bank.

You can make it less ugly by making it quick and decisive. Make sure you have access to your fair share of the money, find somewhere to rent, go.

You are in a great position to split. Tell him the marriage is over and you will be looking for a divorce. Stop trying to justify it or argue with him. He knows he has a problem with alcohol, he just doesn't want to face it.

Just say, I wish you well but this marriage is over and you need to make plans for moving out by X date. I have seen a solicitor and the papers will be drawn up. There is no need for us to fight about anything - clean split. I'll continue on this rental for the immediate future.

Are your kids in their teens or early teens?

i just cant seem to shake him off.

That struck a chord with me, OP. I find it hard to end relationships. I’ve let bad relationships drag on for years, making occasional feeble efforts to leave but giving in because I didn’t want to be unkind. What a waste of life!

Please do as pp have advised. Just do it. Get organised, sort out separate finances, start divorce proceedings.

Picture yourself and DC in five years time. Still stuck where you are now? Or living happily in your new home without a drunken grump shouting at you? Your choice.

You will be ending the trouble/ arguments for the children not causing them. You may not think the kids are being affected by his horrible behaviour, but they are.

I wrote him a letter. I could explain everything without him interrupting, take time to word it just right and speak to him after he'd read it. It was the best way for me. I could never broach the subject face to face.

In short you cannot end a relationship of this duration without pain at the very least in his side. He has a great deal here behaves like a jacksss and still has a family to come home too. Focus on getting the practicalities sorted, prepare to move out, tell him it is over and then move immediately. You have already done the emotional work here. It sounds like hell.

Thank you for all responses

OP it’s to your immense credit that you want to end the relationship with decency and as much kindness as you can. It takes strength to be kind and gentle, even in the face of provocation. And you are doing the right thing by your kids.

Try to think of your plan in the same way, as a form of kindness. Your husband is probably deeply unhappy underneath it all. And he’s making you unhappy. And not enabling you to create a nice environment for your kids.

By calling time on the relationship, you are doing the right thing for you, for the children, and potentially for him - it may be what he needs to get a grip on his life. He won’t see it like that when you follow through, but maybe in time he will - and either way this seems like the only course open to you. Good luck.

Im planning to talk to him about this tonight. Whilst im fired up. Im going to do it in the way youve suggested.

we already have separate finances and pay into a joint account. Could never pool our money as he would blow it.
i have passports, birth certs
im sure hes just had a recent letter too re pension so ill take a copy of that. To be fair im not after anything, i just want a clean straight down the middle split. However, i will be default parent and he will have to pay child maintenance. With his working hours, he couldnt do 50:50.
like i say, rental in my name and all bills. He doesn’t technically live here. This has been coming for a long time.

I know, i just dont want to be the bad person and want it to be fair for all involved. When hes not drinking he can be a lovely person. Sadly thats not very often these days

How old are your kids?

OP, there's no getting away from the fact that your desire for a divorce (completely understandable and right imo) will cause your DH pain. You have to accept this. There is no dong this "nicely" or in a way that won't cause DH distress. Your DH won't help you with this. He won't say, after a calm, reasonable discussion about ending your marriage, "oh, okay then, I guess it's for the best and you deserve better because you're such a good person" and shake hands. He will not help you do this. And yes, you will have to be willing to be viewed as a "bad person" (you're not).

YOU have to do this, on your own. Again, he won't help you with this.

I think it's great that you want to be civilised about this, and aren't filled with bile and rage. But the kindest and most decent thing you can do, is as pp have suggested, get your legal and practical ducks in a row, and then inform him of your decision. Be calm and straightforward in talking to him, and fair in division of assets.

Good luck.