How to end a long marriage in the nicest way?

[CannotDoThisAnymore]

Weve not been in a good place for a long time. A good few years. He drinks a lot (daily) and spends a lot of time and money (around £180 a month) on this. I dont drink and spend my time with the kids. Weve been together 23 years. We dont own a house at the moment and are temporarily renting. We do have savings which will be a great deposit for a house each. He wants to buy together, i dont. My gut tells me if i do ill be stuck in this forever and far too much time has been spent already. No sex life. who wants to have sex with someone whose been boozing all night? If i say that to him, he will stop drinking the next night in anticipation and then go on and on and on about sex the whole evening which is off putting. If we go on a night away, he gets drunk and shouted at me last time then still expected sex.

gets angry easily, slams doors, shouts at us all. Will play loud music when pissed/pissed off. Says im boring etc. we live in a terrace house at the moment and i dont want to upset neighbours. He Doesnt do much with the kids. I do school runs, default parent, give lifts, make decisions etc. play dates, activities.

we both work full time. Both have separate pensions.

i just want a clean break with no hassle. Buy own house and live in relative peace!

any ideas of how to broach the subject. Ive trued before but he just says no and argues im no saint etc (i never said i was). I just cant seem to break free. I imagine he wants to continue so he doesn’t have to face up to alcohol issues and have less money for pissing up the wall. Its easy for him currently and he wont want the status quo to change

@middleager Primary age 9 & 11

@cingolimama you are absolutely right, there will be upset. I just hate being the bad person but its coming to the point now that i cannot stay in this situation much longer.

i just need to keep strong and not cave. I can see life on the other side of this and it looks fabulous. Its going to be a difficult 12 months in between 🙏

He isn't going to be nice and he isn't just going to leave. If you don't force the issue he will be there forever.
I'd tell him I don't want my kids growing up with a drunk.

You're going to be so much happier soon OP, that's no way to live and it will have taken it's toll on you. Although your children may be upset they may also see you become happier, you never know. If I was in your shoes as the one staying, on the day he moves out or the day after I would actually either take time off to deep clean or get cleaners in, get new bedding and towels and take the opportunity to get rid of any old stuff you don't want that he doesn't take with him. Go through fridge and pantry and do a proper clear out and get a shop in of things you three love. Basically make the place feel fresh and homey for you and your children.

You aren't being the bad person.

Your DH has real difficulties such that you can't even share money with him because he will blow it.

It just is not possible to conduct a marriage in those circumstances. You didn't do this. Your DH is doing it with the choices he makes and the way he behaves.

I do feel sorry for your DH as clearly he has real problems and it is going to be painful for him. Perhaps it was not ever possible for him to have a real marriage with you in the way most people would understand it. I don't think there is much point in blaming him for that.

For some reason unknown to us he is stuck developmentally suspended, a child in a adult body. He wants a mother, who will love him and stick by him no matter how much he drinks, how much he rants, how many family days he ruins, how much money he blows - and he does not want to have to account for or notice the impact on others of any of these behaviours. He doesn't want to face any painful feelings or that he might have done some harm - he just wants to keep drinking and blotting it all out. He certainly doesn't sound like he wants to start taking responsibility, viewing you as a separate person with your own needs, and being a real marriage partner.

I don't think it helps to say that your DH is "bad" - he is just too immature for marriage. But YOU are definitely not the bad guy either.

an update…. Its never been a good time to speak to him. Whether it be life issues happening or hes been drinking. Ive had two conversations about this with him now and he still doesn’t get it. Last night i told him i loved him but like a friend, think we need a break at the very least. He said he cannot afford to move out and he loves me and wants to stay together. Doesn’t agree to splitting up/wont move out. Ah how do i move forward?

@CannotDoThisAnymore I think you have two options.
You can try to have the conversation again with the hope that he actually moves out, or you quietly begin the process of finding alternative accommodation for and your children.
It sounds like he has checked out and the only reason he remains is financial.

Thats not fulfilling life for either of you.

OP he understands! He understands perfectly! He just is trying every possible approach to delay the inevitable.

You need to stop approaching this as a conversation, a negotiation, something he has a say in. It isn’t. The relationship is over because you say it is over. That is enough. The next conversation needs to be about the practicalities: when is he moving out? If he doesn’t move by x date you will have to end the tenancy and leave, you are transferring half of the deposit money and he should do the same etc.

Make a list. Explain to him, if he’ll listen, if he won’t the just push on without him. If you wait for him to agree and accept it you’ll wait forever. Just focus on getting him out or, failing that, getting yourself and the kids away. He is definitely going to be angry about this and most likely fall deeper into the bottle. You can’t control that.

Well done for having the conversation, first steps.

If the tenancy is just in your name, can't you just ring the police if he won't leave? Obviously give him some notice to leave, put it in writing that you want him to leave by x date. Give him one month, that's reasonable. It gives him time to find a room in a houseshare if he can't afford a flat. When he doesn't leave, you can call the police.

He doesn't need to agree @CannotDoThisAnymore - you can decide to do what you believe is the right thing for you and your DC, and if that's separating from him, then so be it.

This is not a matter for conversation. A conversation is a two way street of opinions. This is a decision.
You have made a decision.
And now you have to follow through.
See the solicitor.. get the no blame paperwork started.
Get the kids out of the house for the day.
Your name on the rental... tell him he is leaving... tell him...
If this is going to be bad, get somebody in the house with you.. preferably male, preferably bulky.
This is a process to be got through.. nobody is going to enjoy it... think abcess and the dentist..
Get a locksmith in .. having explained to the landlord..
Get the joint account closed.. having taken your half out..
Lots of life admin which you have been dealing with anyway.
You are the role model for the kids.. this is not a relationship you want to see them repeat in years to come... you deserve better... they deserve better..

You have MADE the decision.
Act on it.
The relief will be incredible... absolutely incredible....

Of course he doesn't agree with splitting up/him moving out - that would mean him getting his act together and having to rely on himself.

You've tried doing nice, now you just have to get on with it. As pp have said, you're in a good position, not being tied financially.

Why not give Women's Aid a call regarding housing situation to see what your options are.

Time to Just tell him to go...you don't want to be with him anymore. Give him half of the savings and change the locks on the doors and say goodbye
Easier said than done, but being nice and pussyfooting around isn't going to get rid if him.

He has everything to lose by splitting up, whereas you have everything to gain. It's no wonder he doesn't agree with you. I'm afraid he never will.

However, deep down he knows what you're saying is true. He just won't admit it, because he's selfish and would rather keep you in place, servicing his life.

Stop waiting for his consent. Stop worrying about being "the bad person." Stop letting him distract you with petty sulks about whose fault it might be. Fault and blame have nothing to do with the situation.

Keep it simple and clear. Just keep saying that this is not what you want and you have decided to split. And stick to that, even though it will sometimes feel as though you've just gone mad.

If you "fall off the wagon" e.g. by making wild promises about trying for a few more years, buying a house together to see what difference it might make, etc, treat such lapses the way you would if on a diet/fitness regimen: just pick yourself up the next day and start again. "This is not what I want and I have decided to split."

Eventually this nightmare will be over and then, later on, you will look back and be so proud of yourself for achieving freedom and the chance of true happiness.

good luck OP!

I know you are absolutely right. Thank you for responding. I guess I stupidly thought we could do this amicably. I dont really want to move rentals at the moment as ive got a really cheap deal on a house (well compared to other ridiculous rentals out there). I want to go from this house to buying but i guess i cant do that until weve divorced? Im desperate to get a house again so we can be settled. Were almost living in limbo. Ok, ive tried the nice way, im going to have to be the bad guy. This is just dragging on…

OP I've no experience here but in your shoes I'd make an appointment ASAP to talk to a lawyer. Then follow their advice?

You'd be well within your rights to change the locks but it might well lead to an upsetting scene in front of the kids which you want to avoid.

If there's enough in your savings for 50% to buy a house then start looking, you can then give notice on the rental and move you and the kids into a new home leaving him with his share of the cash...

It's not going to be easy but better to follow through now, whatever that looks like. Best of luck.

This is essential, OP, as is all the advice on this thread. You just have to summon up your strength and say “No more debate. It’s over”. And follow through, by packing his things if he won’t do it and giving him say a week to find somewhere else. And if he doesn’t, put his stuff outside and change the locks.

Oh dear, it’s easy for me to say. Soon after I finally told my ex- partner to leave and actually took back the keys and never let him in again, I met my lovely DH, who I’ve now been happy with for over 20 years.

Happiness is ahead for you too OP, because the very minimum is that you’ll be free of your present burden. I wish you all the best. Just grit your teeth and do it.

He doesn’t get to force you to stay in this shit relationship. You have to stop trying to be nice. He doesn’t deserve it, and he’s always going to be a prick about it. Currently he’s using it to manipulate you.

Just petition for divorce. He’s not your problem.

I think it's really tough, but you have to stop thinking of yourself, or indeed him, as the "bad guy."

Try to stay neutral and accept the fact that the relationship has run its course, for reasons neither of you can change.

When you start feeling evil and destructive, try to reframe yourself as the "good guy": you are facing your worst fears with enormous courage, making changes in the interests of a better life for yourself, him, and your children. You will be rewarded.

OP,

You and your children are being controlled and manipulated by an abusive alcoholic.

Your children at 9 and 11 know well that yours is a strange house, different from their friends, despite your best efforts.

I mean this kindly, but you are putting an abusive alcoholic ahead of your children.

Thatvis so so wrong.

Stop trying to be kind to a man that is doing irreparable damage to your children and has for years.

Stop thinking about him and how to be kind.

He couldn't care less about you and the children.

He cares only about alcohol, and his comforts being met.

He's a shit husband a shit father.

Stop protecting him and protect your children.

They will be fine.
So what if he is angry and nasty, your children have seen too much already.

Call the police and have HIM removed.

Stop waiting for it to be a nice experience.

It won't be.

Accept the reality that it is over and your children are more important than a controlling alcoholic who bullys you all.

I don't know if you can do this but I made life so "uncomfortable" for my ExH that he moved back to his parents house. I was the tenant who paid the rent, I did not allow him to sleep in the bed, did no cooking for him or laundry, life got uncomfortable when he had no clean pants and hot dinners so left!

You are not asking for his permission, or his blessing. You have to put your children's and your needs first. What do you want him to do, or what are you going to do? Write it down in bullet points, twice. Keep it super simple and time-bound. A copy for you, a copy for him - to read once he wakes up from his drunken stupor.

There is no universe in which your behaviour here can be classed as bad. It is his behaviour that is bad and disrespectful of you and the kids. No further discussion needed.

Hey, an update. Ive sat him down and weve had a conversation (mostly me talking and him not listening). It’s literally not going in. He just sweeps it under the carpet. Ive looked into divorce but do not want to apply until he, well i dont really….agrees? Understands? Maybe i should just go for it.

he just shys away from any conversation around it. Saying he cannot afford to live alone, puppy dog eyes etc. ive just budgeted for him today and looked at shared ownership houses and he can afford it (just). I know I shouldnt be doing that but it just gives me more acceptance if you like that HE WILL BE FINE! Just needs to stop pissing all his money away!

last month, he went away with the lads twice (once to another country) and the other within the uk. Left me £200 short on the bills. Luckily I’ve borrowed that out of my savings. Then when i asked him for it, low and behold hes skint, yet still comes walking in each day with beers 😡

Bizarrely just recently hes started hiding drinks. Like the other night, i was just going over to next doors to have a conversation. Probably gone 45 mins and he was cooking food. I clocked he had 4 cans of beer in his bag from work. Anyway, i got back, beer glass washed up on the side but all beers gone, no emptied in outside bins???? He cant have drank 4 beers in that time??

Yesterday, he got paid. First thing he does, gets home from work and plonks a 15 can box of beers down. No food for tea, just his booze! last night he was in a bad mood, all of us in the kitchen (hed had a drink at this point) and me and the kids were larking about and one of them made a joke to him about him, something silly. Well he went mental. F-ing and blinding, telling us all to f off etc. i asked whats his problem and why he has to be like that in front of the kids 🤦🏻‍♀️

i need to break free!

Ive booked an appointment with a mortgage advisor next week so hoping i can afford a house alone and will start to process the divorce.

i am planning to tell some people about it so it make things more real. Otherwise its just a secret between me and him